Chapter 10:
"I've got an idea though… why don't you think about why you told the captain about all this before you told me."
Three hours later, Trip's words were still ringing in T'Pol's ears. She knew he had a valid point, she knew that her reasoning for this had been faulty. If she had told the captain for purely professional reasons, she would have done so much sooner. There had been something else that motivated her, she simply did not want to think about what it might have been.
"I did not bring it up myself," she insisted. "He inquired after my well-being, in light of certain things he had noticed in my demeanor. I was simply answering the questions he asked." She purposely ignored the fact that if she hadn't done things that made him wonder, he never would have asked, and her secret would still be safe.
"It was only to be expected that I would be upset at the loss of my captain," she reminded herself, trying to justify the emotional upheaval she had experienced at that time, the need to have something of his nearby that had driven him to ask what was wrong with her.
There was something to what Trip had said, but she simply did not want to admit it. A year ago, she had been on the verge of realizing the connection between herself and her captain, but now… so many things had happened. Trip had happened. She had never anticipated it, but it had been… mostly pleasant.
"As was the kiss you shared with Jonathan," her conscience reminded her, refusing to stay silent. "You cannot deny the rush of emotions you felt when your lips touched his," it said, taunting her with the memories it dredged up.
She shook them off, but she could not get easily rid herself of the questions they raised. Was there something still between Jonathan and herself? Is that why she had clung to his belongings when she had believed he was dead, and why she had willingly told him about the Trellium when the conversation arose?
More to the point, was that why she had kissed him? Were the emotions she had felt that evening of a romantic variety? Were they real, and did they still exist?
For three hours, these thoughts had been rotating through her head, and she was no closer to an answer now than she had been then. But one thing had become clear: no matter how much she might care for Jonathan, she was in no position to begin a relationship right now.
Her reaction when Trip had ended their romance embarrassed her, as she thought back on it. She had been so desperate to not be alone that she had actually begged him not to leave her. That was a sure sign that she needed to be alone, despite the advice her older self had given her.
The advice had been good, but her question had been equally valid. Her heart did not know what it wanted, and she could not follow it until that changed. Trying to do so had been folly. "Instead of trusting my own instincts, I turned to an easy outlet for my emotions. I will not make that mistake again," she vowed. She needed to know that she could heal, without using a romance as a crutch.
In the last six months, that was exactly what she had done. She remembered how Jonathan had urged her to find new ways to manage her emotions, to meld this new part of her into her Vulcan personality. Instead, she had taken the easy way out by allowing herself to simply be swept away by the feelings. She had not controlled them at all, they had controlled her—just as he had done when they had been in the Expanse.
She was ready now to take that control back. The emotional ride she had been on of late had been titillating, but in the end it had not been satisfying. She wanted to learn how to be both Vulcan and emotional, and she could not do that by simply allowing every emotion she felt to rush through her like an ocean wave.
"Then why are you standing in the corridor outside of the captain's quarters, prepared to tell him your relationship with Trip is over?" she questioned herself, doubting her own motives. "Are you perhaps here to suggest a relationship with him?"
But even as she asked herself that question, she knew it wasn't true. "I want him to know that I am attempting to repair the damage I have done, to all my relationships. In light of the emotional pain I caused him earlier, I believe he has a right to know that I am taking steps to overcome my weaknesses in this area."
Gathering her courage, she pressed the bell, leaning into it slightly.
"Come in," he said in response to the chime.
"Good evening Captain," she said quietly, stepping inside and crossing her arms behind her back.
"T'Pol," he said shortly, barely looking up from the book he was reading as he lay sprawled out on the couch.
"Some things have happened in the last few days which I thought I should inform you of… I remember you requesting that I not leave you out of the loop again."
He did look up at her then, worry overriding his desire to be aloof. "Are you sick?"
"No, I am well, thank you."
His concern alleviated, he quickly picked his coolness back up. "Then what did you want to tell me?"
"Commander Tucker and I have decided to end our relationship."
Of all the things he had expected her to say, that hadn't even been on the list. His mouth gaped open for a moment, as he was completely unsure how she expected him to respond to that. "I see…" he floundered, searching for something reassuring to say. "Well, I'm sure you'll be able to patch things up again. Third time's the charm after all," he told her, forcing a smile and a light tone.
"I do not believe that will be happening," she countered, and he couldn't help but notice that she did not seem upset by the thought. Ruthlessly squashing the hope he couldn't help but feel with that realization, he paid attention to the rest of her speech, and instantly wished he hadn't. "He was most distressed to learn that our initial coupling was affected by Trellium."
Jon couldn't keep himself from wincing when she said coupling. "Well hell T'Pol!" he exclaimed, tossing the book down on the bed and standing up quickly. "What did you expect, a bunch of flowers? Maybe for him to be grateful that you'd thought enough of him to go get drugged up enough to sleep with him? No man likes to think that the only reason a woman is attracted to him is because she's drunk or high. We want the real them to want the real us—or don't you Vulcans get that?" he asked sarcastically.
She listened to his short rant without blinking, willingly accepting his anger and understanding the reasons behind it. "I understand it, and after a little thought I have agreed with some other things he said," she replied evenly, refusing to give him more ammunition to use against her be railing back at him. "And all the things he is saying are true," she admitted to herself. "I deserve all he is giving, and more."
Rolling his eyes in disbelief, he came back with, "And what might those be, pray tell?"
"That there are some things I need to… figure out before being a part of any couple. I turned my life inside out in the last year, and I need to put it back together, by myself."
"Really?" he asked, arching a brow. The question was asked with heavy sarcasm, but in truth, he really wanted to know the answer. "Our relationship may have been dead in the water before it started, but I still want her to be happy… she needs to find the part of herself that she lost before that can happen."
"Yes. I believe that I was merely… using the relationship I enjoyed with Commander Tucker to avoid truly dealing with the fallout from my experiences with Trellium. It was unwise of me, but at the time, I did not see that there was another way."
Inwardly pleased, he still affected an aura of disinterest that bordered on derision. "I see… and was there anything else you wanted to share, or was it simply your version of substance abuse counseling?"
"That was all," she told him, shaming him with her calm acceptance of his negative attitude. "I will see you on the bridge tomorrow, as usual," she said, opening the door and stepping out of his quarters.
She was gone before he could say anything else, before he could tell her that he truly hoped she could put herself back together. Jon stared at the door, wondering at the encounter he'd just had. "Was I too harsh on her?" he questioned himself. "She finally seems willing to work through the emotional fallout from the Trellium, instead of expending it or wishing it away… maybe I should have been supportive of that."
After a moment though, he shook his head, his cynicism getting the better of him. "She didn't just come here to let me know that she actually realizes what she needs to do now," he told himself. "She came with the express purpose of telling me that her fling with Trip is over… and there's only one reason she'd want to do that," he thought. "Well T'Pol, if you're waiting for me decide I want you know, you'll have a long wait coming."
True, she had also said she wasn't ready for a relationship right now, but she was testing the waters, seeing if he was still interested… seeing if there was still a chance between them. "I just can't go down that road again," he told himself, ignoring the hope that flared up within him. "Whoever said that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all had clearly never lost. It hurts like hell, and I'll be damned if I'll let myself in for that kind of pain a second time. I'm not that idealistic anymore."
He laughed humorlessly as he picked up the book again, searching for the page he'd been on before he was interrupted. When he'd re-read the same paragraph for the fourth time, he tossed it down again and left his quarters, disgusted by his lack of concentration.
"I'm letting her get under my skin again," he realized in frustration, stalking the halls like a jealous lover. "She's not dating Trip anymore, and that's all I can think about… I'm like some lovesick teenager, and it's ridiculous! I know a relationship with her is out of the question; no matter how much I want it, it would just hurt too much. I've got to get her out of my mind," he concluded grimly, stepping into the dimly lit mess.
Though he had been hoping for a quiet, solitary drink, he wasn't surprised to see someone else already at the bar, with a bottle of scotch in front of him. "Single malt?" he asked Trip, sitting down next to him.
"You bet," his friend replied, pouring him a glass. "What're you in for?" he asked, sliding the glass down the bar as Jon sat down.
He tossed it back quickly, holding it out for another before answering. "Ah, just the usual…" he answered after drinking that one too. "Long day, too much to do tomorrow…"
"Women?" Trip guessed, eyeing Jon's reaction and pouring both of them another drink.
"Women?" Jon snorted. "Do you think I have time for women as a starship captain? Let me tell you Trip, if you want a normal life, with a wife and family, don't ask for your own command. It's more trouble than it's worth."
Trip smirked and said, "Yep, women troubles… me too."
"So I heard," Jon muttered, swallowing his scotch.
"Ah, she already came to tell you? That doesn't surprise me," Trip mused, taking a swig straight from the bottle.
"Yeah, it's part of our new "let's tell the captain the things he should know" policy," Jon explained, the alcohol already affecting him as it hit his empty stomach. "Funny how it works, I actually find out things about my crew now. For instance, did you know Crewman Walters' father died last week?"
"No… I guess we're too far for him to go home," Trip said in a lame attempt to add humor to the conversation.
Jon nodded sagely, pouring another glass of scotch and drinking it quickly. "Of course, but he was really torn up about it when he found out… I gave him the rest of the day off. Just the day… if we were on Earth, he would have gotten at least two days, enough time to go to the funeral… but I wanted to make sure he was capable of doing his job."
"Good point. I don't think that's why she told you though," Trip said mildly.
"Why who told me what?" Jon asked hazily, already losing his ability to hold a train of thought.
"Why T'Pol told you about our failed attempt at a relationship," Trip expounded, the alcohol making him maudlin.
"And why do you think she told me again?"
"There's something between the two of you," Trip said, gesturing at the air between himself and the captain. "It's like… just there," he added, fully expecting to be understood.
"Ah yes, the Captain and the Vulcan subplot. Because we all know she's madly in love with me," Jon said sarcastically, still sober enough to hide the truth behind the words. "Or rather the truth from the other perspective," he amended. "She doesn't love me, it's the other way around."
"Well, she did try her emotions out on you earlier, didn't she Jon?" Trip countered, upset enough about the things he'd learned not to hear the pain lurking in Jon's voice.
Jon sat up straight, surprised by the sudden confrontation. "Did she tell you that?" he asked, shifting uncomfortably. He couldn't think of anyone on the ship who he would less want to know about his abbreviated relationship with the Vulcan.
"Nah… I kinda figured it out for myself. And she told you about the Trellium first. She didn't tell me, and we were dating the whole time! Or whatever you want to call it… so now I'm sitting here wondering if any of our relationship was real, or if it was all just some delusion produced by her drugged up mind."
"Women. Can't live with 'em, can't shoot 'em out the torpedo tube," Jon said, grabbing the bottle and putting it away.
"Malcolm would love that," Trip said with a grin.
"That he would… Ah, can you picture it? Life on a starship with no women… millions of light-years away from any of the ones at home."
"We could wear the same uniform two, three days in a row."
"No one asking for girly movies at movie night."
"No backstabbing, cheating, betrayal…" Jon barely stopped himself before saying anything that would tell Trip how he felt about T'Pol. This was his night to be upset about being dumped, even though he had ended the relationship, not the other way around. It wasn't the time for him to learn that the whole time he'd been dating T'Pol, someone else had been in love with her.
"Come on my friend, we have work tomorrow," he said, walking toward the door a little unsteadily. "The all important job of running a starship, remember? Hearth and home, what are those? Instead we have hull plating and crew quarters."
"I'm sensing some bitterness there Captain," Trip jibed, walking beside his friend as they left the mess.
"Bitter? Me? Just because everyone else gets to have a life and I don't? Nah, why should I be bitter?"
"Well then old friend, you and me can be bitter together. You have no life and mine just got turned upside down."
"Women," Jon muttered.
"Yeah, they're just not worth it," Trip agreed.