AN: I'm sorry I've dragged this out so long. To be honest, I'm always a little hesitant posting an A/T story here at since I've received some really negative feedback. I was really nervous about this story, since it actually does explore the T/T relationship. I was afraid that when it started getting more strictly A/T, they would get upset. So... that's the reason.
Chapter 13:
Jon frowned, watching as his science officer/girlfriend fled the bridge at the end of their shift before he could catch up with her. "Maybe it's just my imagination, but I'd swear she's been avoiding me this week," he mused. "I wonder if something's wrong…"
For a moment, he was tempted to jump to a conclusion—maybe she'd decided she didn't want a relationship after all, or maybe something was wrong with her. Past experience though curtailed the impulse, and instead he resolved to simply enjoy a solitary dinner, just as he had every other night this week.
But when he entered the captain's mess and saw the steward clearing away dishes that had clearly contained Vulcan delicacies, things that could only be classified as T'Pol's comfort foods, he changed his mind. "I can't just let this go," he decided. "Something is bothering her. I can't let her just brood on it, she needs to talk to someone."
Skipping dinner, he went directly to her quarters, but she wasn't there. Turning around, he went to the other place onboard ship that she seemed to feel most comfortable.
He found here there ten minutes later, staring out at the stars. "Hey, I though I'd lost you on this ship," he said lightly.
She gave him a brief look of irritation instead of the humor he'd expected. "I did not expect you to find me here," she said shortly.
"T'Pol, what's wrong?" Jon asked, moving to place a hand gently on her shoulder.
She flinched away, saying, "Don't touch me!"
He took a step back and sat down on the couch, willing to give her the space she needed. Waiting for her to tell him what was going on, he watched her pace for a few minutes, noticing the agitation in her motions. "Something is really bothering her," he realized. "And whatever it is, it's big."
Unease built in his gut, and just when he didn't think he could handle waiting any longer to find out what was wrong, she spoke. "I am sorry," she said, her eyes clouded. "I did not mean to snap at you, but your touch was more than I could deal with at the moment."
"Want to tell me why?" he asked softly, not moving from his spot.
"Sometimes, when you touch me, I find I am… unable to think clearly," she admitted, not sure if she should tell him the whole truth.
"Well believe me, the feeling's mutual," he told her with a relieved grin. "But that brings me back to my original question, what's bothering you?"
She started to speak, and then stopped. "Will he understand what I am saying?" she wondered. "Or will he only hear the first half?"
"I am not sure this is working," she said finally, gesturing between them.
"What do you mean?" he asked tightly.
"Our relationship," she explained.
"I know, but what exactly about it isn't working for you?" he questioned, needing specifics.
"I find I am… unsettled when I am with you. I usually remain calm, but my emotions are not completely under my control, as they are at other times. I am not sure why, but I believe it has something to do with our relationship."
He smiled a little, starting to understand what her concern was, even if she didn't. "You mean, sometimes you feel like you know exactly what's happening, and then at other times your insides get all twisted up and you don't know if it's day or night?" he summarized.
"That is a decent explanation of it, yes," she agreed. "So you see why I am not sure that this will work. Clearly, things are not the way they ought to be."
"Oh, but they are," he told her, smiling broadly. "That's exactly what a romantic relationship does to you in the beginning."
"These emotions… it is not just the Trellium?" she questioned, needing to know if what she was feeling was real.
He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "T'Pol, you're going to have to accept that some things that may not have happened to you before will now. You can't say it's 'just the Trellium,' when the truth is, the Trellium is a part of you. That's never going away."
"I know," she agreed reluctantly. "Sometimes I wish it would though," she added, almost petulantly.
"Do you want our relationship to go away as well?" he asked.
"No… but I do not believe they go hand in hand as much as you seem to think," she told him, giving him an assessing look.
"What do you mean?" he asked.
"Jonathan, I was aware of a connection between us long before we entered the Expanse," she told him, taking in his shocked look. "Weren't you?"
"I knew there was something… yeah… but… wow," he said, never having imagined that she might have had feelings for him for that long, or that they might have started before her first encounter with Trellium. "So what you're saying is…"
"I am saying, Jonathan, that as long as you can believe this is real, I can do the same."
"I can do that," he said, feeling a weight lift that he hadn't known he'd been carrying. "I was fine with the thought that it was her new, open emotions that led to our relationship," he thought, dazed by the revelations. "But knowing that the old T'Pol, the one who would deny she even had emotions… that she felt something for me, when I was starting to fall for her…that's more than I ever hoped for."
"Jonathan?" she asked hesitantly.
"Hmm?"
"I was under the impression that it did not disturb you, knowing that without the Trellium, we likely would not have formed a relationship. Was I mistaken?"
He looked up at her then, both a little scared at how easily she had read him, and upset that she would jump to that conclusion. "T'Pol," he said gently, sitting down in a chair and pulling her down next to him, "I was no less excited about our relationship when I thought that the Trellium allowed you to have feelings you didn't have before."
"Then why did it mean so much to learn that I was drawn to you before?" she questioned, pulling her hand from his.
He sighed, wondering how he could explain this to her. "I don't know," he admitted, starting first with the basic truth. "I've never thought that what we had was less than real because of the outside influence, because I know that the Trellium itself is out of your system and has been for over a year. Maybe it's just…"
She waited for him to continue, and when he didn't, she said, "Because what?"
"Well, I don't know if this will make any sense or not, so bear with me a little bit," he instructed, taking her hand again and mindlessly playing with her fingers. "I think… perhaps… that it just feels good knowing that even if we hadn't been in this situation, we still might have gotten together. It takes away the what ifs, which is a good thing. I don't have to feel grateful to the Trellium for getting us together anymore…"
"You were grateful to an inanimate substance?" she asked, raising her eyebrows.
"Well, not exactly. Maybe more to the situation, and that made me feel guilty. I know that you still wish you could have all your control back, and yet here I was, glad that you didn't have it, because that was what had given me you. Now I don't have to think that anymore, because we might have found each other, even without the Trellium. Does that make sense?" he asked, his eyes searching hers.
"Not really," she said frankly, "but I am willing to accept that it does to you."
"That's good," he said, his eyes lighting up with humor. "At least you can trust me enough to know my own mind," he teased, picking up her hand again and tracing her fingers with his own.
"Jonathan, I simply conceded that it might be logical to you. I did not say I believe you know your own mind," she replied archly.
For a moment, he just gaped at her, the sudden show of Vulcan humor surprising him, as it always did. "We need to put you on the comedy circuit," he muttered. "You're a regular laugh a minute."
She paused, tilting her head to one side as if she were considering it. "I do not believe that would be as satisfying a profession as being a science officer on a starship, but I do appreciate the… vote of confidence?" she said, adding a hint of a question to the final phrase.
"Yeah, you got that one right," he said with a chuckle. "Where are you picking up all these patterns of speech, anyway?" he asked curiously.
"Commander Tucker has been more than happy to share a few of his more colorful phrases with me," she told him, unaware that she was stepping into a hornet's nest. "I have chosen a few that please me to incorporate into my own usage," she added.
"Commander Tucker?" he asked tightly, dropping her hand and placing his own on his knees. "Have you been spending a lot of time with Trip?" he questioned, the teasing glint in his eyes hardening.
"You have been busy many evenings lately, and unable to join me in the captain's mess for dinner," she reminded him. "Trip has been kind enough to see to it that I was not forced to eat a solitary meal."
"Solitary meals didn't seem to bother you before," he countered.
"That was before I grew accustomed to companionship," she explained, still not seeing the anger growing in him. "Now I have found that it is much more pleasant to eat with someone than alone."
"And is that why we're together?" he said hotly. "You just needed someone to eat with, and I was handy? Well gee, might as well make it a regular thing then, shouldn't we? Wouldn't want to have to eat alone, and the captain seems more than willing to…"
"Jonathan!" she cut in. "What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about you and me T'Pol. I'm talking about you spending time with your ex-boyfriend and not telling me about it. Where's the honesty I thought was so important to Vulcans? Or does that not matter when emotions are involved?" he sneered, his expression ugly.
"You are jealous," she realized, amazed.
"Damn right I'm jealous," he shouted, jumping to his feet. "You spent months in a relationship with him, and now I find out that you've been spending enough of your spare time with him that you're picking up his Trip-isms? Give me one good reason why I shouldn't be jealous," he demanded.
She rose to her feet slowly and moved to stand in front of him, observing his face the whole time. Anger was there, yes, but if she looked beyond the red face and frown, she could see something else—fear. This was not the time for recriminations, or to simply tell him that he should trust her. Despite the truth in those words, he needed something more. He needed reassurances, and she was finally ready to give them to him.
"Because, I do not love Commander Tucker," she told him softly, making sure he was looking at her when she did.
That way, she could watch the confusion flit across his expression and then clear, his eyes widening as the words sunk in. He took in every subtle nuance on her face, looking for any sign that she was not being completely honest with him, and when he found none, his eyes slid shut at the sheer pleasure of it all.
"I love you too," he whispered finally when he had his emotions under control.
"I know," she answered seriously. "Because of that, I trust that you when you say you are busy running the ship, you are not actually spending the evening with another woman. Can you extend the same trust to me, now you know my feelings mirror your own?"
Jon nodded somewhat guiltily. "I should have trusted you," he admitted, rubbing the back of his neck with his left hand.
"You should have," she agreed. "However, your emotions were speaking for you. I understood what was happening, and addressed you similarly."
The uniquely T'Pol way in which she couched her summary of their discussion made him smile. "Not many women would refer to an avowal of love as 'addressing you similarly'," he thought, suppressing a chuckle. "Just one of many reasons why I love her."