Chapter 10

Getting comfortable, Sara flipped another page of her book. She had gone straight back to her room after Grissom left her in the lobby. She didn't feel that hungry anyway. All the people and the fact that she was still unsure about the seminar, was making her nervous as hell.

Turning another page, her eyes fell from the page she was reading to her right hand. She flexed her fingers, staring at the scaring. Though it had been 9 weeks since everything happened, sometimes she still felt like her arm was burning.

When this happened she would close her eyes and try to relax, telling her body to calm down. She had only had one or two panic attack since she left the hospital and she felt she now had everything under control, though it would feel like that control was slipping lately.

Noise from outside her door got her attention and before she could listen further, a knock on the door meant someone was behind it.

Scurrying to cover herself, she banged her elbow on her nightstand. "Shit." She whispered a curse before rubbing the sting as she slid to her feet. When she opened her door to the person that knocked, her eyes had fallen to what they were holding.

"Hi." Grissom raised the foil package that he held in his hand. "I thought we could eat and talk about tomorrow."

Sara looked up at him as blankly as possible. She was trying so hard to hold herself together and with him doing these nice things and being nice to her, she felt that tightly held together control, slipping quickly.

"Uh, sure."

Grissom sat on the bed as there was no other seating, and unwrapped two plates full of salad and salmon steaks. Both of which looked utterly delicious. He pulled out two sets of knives and forks from his jacket pocket and placed them on the bedding.

Sara stood by her nightstand and looked down at the plates. If she sat down, he'd see her hand and her neck. When he was standing at the door, it was easy to conceal them, but she only had a terrycloth dressing gown on. It was something she had purchased after the accident. Usually she didn't need one, she never went anywhere nor had anyone over to use one. She was wearing sweats and a t-shirt underneath, hiding most of her skin from sight. But her neck and hand were still visible.

"Come on, it'll get cold." He encouraged, kicking off his shoes to bend one leg and stretch out the other on the bed so he was more comfortable.

His relaxed state confused her to a degree to think he might have been drinking. Trying to push the thought from her mind, Sara sucked in a breath and lowered herself onto her bed, trying to keep her hand in her pocket and her hair strategically hiding her neck. "Weren't you talking to your friend?" She asked, trying to shift her uneasiness as she ate her newly arrived food.

"He's drunk. I walked him to a taxi and left him there." Grissom chuckled, stabbing some lettuce and eating it.

"You talked about the seminar, right?" She asked, wondering why he was being so uncharacteristic. Where was Grissom; the Grissom that was too closed off to emotions that it took an ex-stripper turned CSI, long time friend turned girlfriend to open him up a little? Only he didn't open up to anyone but Catherine and a few times during shift to other's in the lab.

He nodded as he swallowed a baby tomato. "I did. It's going to be in the afternoon, around 2 o'clock. Gives us time to run through any last minute changes, if that happens."

Sara tentatively pulled some salmon from the bone with her fork. "Anything I should know about?" If she can just keep the conversation tuned into the conference, then nothing can go wrong.

"Well," He started as he cut up his fish. "Jared thinks that you should go first. As in, you start the lecture." Noticing that she had barely touched her fish and was just pulling at it, he leaned forward with his knife and fork in hand and cut it up for her as he continued, like it was the most natural thing in the world. "I was thinking that we could do the introductions and start together, setting up the slides and alternating at first. Then I start my creepy crawly talk while you prep for the scene intro; walkthroughs, pictures, witnesses… and so on." He sat back and started eating his salad again.

Sara stared at his plate for a moment before focusing her eyes on her own meal, shocked at what he had just done. Feeling vulnerable and utterly embarrassed, she silently ate her fish.

Grissom glanced up at her before going back to his food. "You don't have to be embarrassed Sara."

"Huh?" Her head snapped up, shocked he had noticed. "I'm not."

"No?" He questioned, looking up at her. "You don't have to hide in front of me."

She swallowed hard and abandoned eating, to push her food around her plate, this wasn't quite the 'tuned in' she was thinking about. "I don't know what you're talking about."

Grissom wiped his mouth on his jacket sleeve, something a child would do and something that sparked something in her that she was trying to erase, for everyone's sake.

"Sara, listen," He titled his head slightly down so he could see her and still eat his fish and salad. "I know you must be feeling really alone, right now, but you're not. I'm here, whenever you want to talk."

Sara shook her head and pushed her plate away so she could stand up without spilling it. "I don't want to talk about anything." She sighed heavily and walked a few steps away from the bed. This wasn't what was supposed to happen. He was her boss, a friend in terms of just a colleague, he wasn't comfortable asking anything remotely personal, but something didn't sit right and it made her on the defensive.

"You have no idea what I'm feeling. I don't expect anyone to."

"You're not in this alone Sara." He insisted, watching her. "Let me help you. Maybe if you talk about it, then the claustrophobia and whatever else is happening will go away."

She knew it was going to happen sooner or later and the sooner was a damned inconvenience. Tears threatened to slowly trickle down her cheeks, but she took a deep breath to hold them back. It was his kind voice that was reaching inside her and her flicker of anger faded.

"You don't understand Grissom." She whispered. "None of this would have happened if I wasn't there. Nothing would have changed; everything would be as it was. I ruined that. I messed up and I got a person killed." She clamped her mouth shut and looked up mortified that she had even spoken.

"Sara." His voice was concerned and strong as he called her name.

She quelled the whirlwind of emotions inside her to a shaky breeze, trying to silence herself, but what came out next was a shock too, as she couldn't seem to shut up. "If I didn't respond to the call that night, we'd all be at work right now, none the wiser. Nick and Warrick would be playing games on their playstation in the break room. I'd be working on a case or helping out Greg in his lab. And you and Catherine would be away…would be…" She stumbled. "Here." Sara's face was wet with tears and her voice was shaking.

The silence was deafening and she wondered if he'd left. She wouldn't blame him if he did. He didn't want to, or had to listen to her. He had more important things to think about. He was still mourning the loss of his girlfriend and all she could do was pour out her pity.

"I'm sorry Grissom. I shouldn't have said that." She hurriedly tried to wipe her eyes and any traces of her crying. "I guess I'm messed up." She dropped her hands and dropped her shoulders in defeat. "Maybe you should do the seminar like you originally planned. I'll just go home."

Sara was so closed off that she didn't notice Grissom standing behind her, his face full of sadness and pain. Blame had no place here. She was not responsible for anything, especially not Catherine's death. It struck his heart that she even thought it.

His hand reached out and closed around her arm to turn her. He moved too until they were looking at each other. He was about to speak when she turned her head away.

He's going to confirm all her thoughts, that it was her fault. Her mind was racing with guilt. She'd taken a mother from her daughter and she'd taken a loved one from Grissom's life. And that was one thing she never wanted, not to Grissom, not to anyone.

All the time she had wanted him, all the moments she'd thought they'd shared… she had learnt the hard way that they were nothing but co-workers working closely together and that it was unavoidable. He was with Catherine and the very thought plagued her because she knew she'd lost to someone who was everything she wasn't and everything he wanted.

"I'm so sorry Grissom." She hiccupped, tears now pouring out with her painful memories. "I never meant to take that away from you."

His heart was now broken beyond repair as he watched her break under the pressure of guilt. He hadn't realised all that was rushing around inside her. He had no idea.

At the sight of her breaking down, he gently wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her. Nothing but tears and heavy ragged breathing was heard for some time. Even Grissom's eyes had misted over at the strong emotions emanating from her tense body and his own pain.

After the sobs and heavy emotions had subsided slightly, he turned his head into her neck and sighed before placing the lightest of kisses against her warm skin, trying to comfort both of them, but obviously it was the wrong thing to do.

"Don't." Sara whispered, pulling away. She turned and reached up with one hand to cover the invisible mark of his kiss.

"Sara." He stepped toward her and reached out slowly. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

She nodded. "S'ok."

He covered the hand on her neck and gently pulled it away as his chest touched her back, his emotions so strong he couldn't think of anything more to do but hold her, to help ease her pain. "No, I mean… I don't want you to hide from me. Not this." He ran the back of his hand down the side of her neck softly, making it tingle under his touch.

"Griss-" She whispered desperately, his name sticking in her throat as she tried to pull away from him.

His hands travelled down her arms to wrap around her waist. "Don't hide from me Sara. You've got nothing to be afraid of and you damn well have nothing to apologise for." He needed comfort too, and even though his brain was telling him this wasn't right, his heart was aching for her.

She shook her head and tried to move away from him, but he held her tightly against his body, trying to storm her attempts to close off.

"Whatever you're thinking, it's not as bad as you think." He whispered. "I've seen you hiding from the others. I've watched you try with all your might to hide the scars, but…" He breathed out a rush of air close to her ear. "God Sara! You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You were nearly killed; you are bound to have scars, both mentally and physically."

He ran one hand over her stomach to her hip to slide down and capture her hand in his. "Best friends don't hide things from each other." He told her in the softest voice she had ever heard as his hand gently stroked the scarring on her palm.

Sara's breathe hitched in her throat as she processed everything, but was still having trouble believing him. He was mourning and it was his way of reaching out in a stressful time, though she knew he wasn't like this and that she was the only one here for him to talk to. If there were someone else, like his incapacitated friend, he'd talk to them instead.

But it didn't stop her from selfishly taking something from him in his time of need. She turned and buried herself into his very core, trying to hide from the world and ease the pain that was camping out in her heart.

Grissom wrapped his arms around her shoulders and held her as she cried silently into his chest. His fingers weaving through her silky hair and down her neck, trying to soothe her with his presence.