Chapter 16

She stared at his back. He was standing, facing the door. Clearly, he was battling to choose between going, or staying.

"Gil," She whispered.

He took an unsteady breath. "I don't know what has gotten into me." He breathed, confused. "I can't believe I tried to seduce you." Angry at himself, he clenched his fists, but refrained from punching the door. "I'm sorry."

"It's ok. I understand." She swallowed hard, not sure if she did.

He turned. "That's just it Sara. I don't. I don't understand what's going on." His voice broke. "I was thinking about you and then I remember Colorado." He looked through her distantly. "It's like I know what I'm doing, but I don't. It's like, I'm trying to rationalise everything I do and make excuses." His eyes focus on hers. "I saw this woman a few times since, and I knew, I knew it was wrong. But I couldn't stop myself. I used her Sara." He growled, angry and frustrated at himself.

"I used her. Just like I used you." He released a shaky breath, trying to gain some kind of control after his emotions seemed to explode in on him.

Sara's eyes misted when she saw his glisten in the flickering of her lamp light.

"I'm sorry." He whispered hoarsely. His head hung low and he heaved in a deep breath. "God I'm so sorry Sara."

"Shh." She shakily whispered as she walked to him.

"I'm sorry." He broke down.

Finally, he had given in to the loss he had been bottling up inside him. Everything that had happened since the explosion and before. It was all too heavy to hold alone anymore.

"I don't know who I am anymore." He whispers into her shoulder, holding on to her like a frightened child.

He cried for all the pain he had caused and all the pain he had endured. And she cried for him.

Taking it slowly, Sara had settled Grissom on the couch and left him there to make some tea. Coffee was the last thing they needed with their already frayed nerves.

When she entered the living with two cups five minutes later, Sara found Grissom on his side, stretched out on the couch, fast asleep.

Trying not to make a sound, she set the cups down on the coffee table. Reaching over him, she grasped the edges of the Afghan that was folded over the back of the couch. Pulling at the corners, she gently draped the blanket over him.

Stepping back, she watched him for a few silent minutes, unsure what to do. She looked at his loafers and sighed. Carefully, she cupped the heel of one shoe and pulled. With both shoes off, she placed them under the coffee table so he didn't trip up on them when he woke up.

Quietly turning out the lamp and the main lights in the living room and kitchen, she sat in the armchair, watching him sleep. Only making out an outline of his body, she could hear his steady breathing.

Drifting off to sleep without realising it, Sara's head dropped. The second it did, or so she thought, she jerked up. Seeing a faint strip of light rest on the Afghan, she checked the time and found it was almost five.

Without making a sound, Sara managed to reach the kitchen and put a new filter in the coffee maker and pour water into the reservoir. Once the machine was set, she retrieved the cold cups off tea to dispose of before standing in front of the fridge to stretch and yawn.

Feeling a tad better, and the coffee was filtering through, Sara opened the fridge and pushed her hair out of her eyes to see what looked edible. Grabbing a hair elastic from the pot on top of the fridge to tie her hair back, she reached into the cold and pulled out a bowl of left over sliced fruit and the milk.

Glancing over her shoulder to see Grissom still sleeping, she pulled open a draw to her right and retrieved a fork and spoon. Listening to the coffee maker bleep twice, she poured one cup and added a healthy dose of sugar and a measure of milk. Putting the milk away, Sara moved to her dining table and set out to finish marking some papers.

Marking a final paper, a groan from the couch registered to her ears. Sara looked up to see Grissom turn inward and bury his head into the couch cushion. Setting down her pen and pushing her empty bowl and cup back, she stood and moved to kneel on the carpet beside the couch.

"Grissom." She called softly, gently placing her hand on his shoulder.

"Hmm." He moaned, obviously responding to her voice.

Lowering her hand to the small of his back, she lightly rubbed. "Hey. Time to wake up." She checked her watch before returning her hand to massaging his back. "It's nine o'clock. You got places to be?" She asked, trying to push any thoughts that this was anything more than what friends did. The touching, the soft words and the seemingly intimate atmosphere.

"Not till one." He moaned sleepily.

"Ok." She sighed and moved her hand to push herself up. "You want some coffee?" She asked, turning and heading to the table to collect her dirty dishes.

"Yes please." He yawned and stretched, finally turning onto his back. He let out a low groan as he uncurled himself.

Sitting up, he rubbed his eyes. Listening to the noises outside the window, Grissom could hear some traffic from the road and a lawnmower being used. It was a bright Vegas day and the temperature was already reaching a stuffy climate, though it barely registered in Sara's apartment with the air conditioning.

"You hungry?" Sara called from the kitchen.

Sighing and dropping his head into his hands, he didn't answer. Nothing had changed. Sleeping off the emotions had done nothing to quell the urge to dull the pain he still felt. For months he had tried to find the one thing that would give him his life back.

He had found many things that quelled the pain, but it didn't last. No matter what he did, he couldn't find peace with himself. Since that night in Colorado, he had sparked a war between his brain and his heart. He had selfishly taken advantage of Sara in her time of need. And to top it off, she was hurting just as much as he was. He didn't know if he could forgive himself for what he'd done.

"Grissom?" Sara asked with a concerned tone.

Snapping out of his musings, he looked up to see her standing in the doorway with a dishtowel in her hand and concerned brown eyes.

Taking a quick breath he stood and nodded. Before she could turn, he sighed and shook his head, changing his mind. "I'm not sure. I. I don't think I could eat."

Sara stared at him for a moment. Blinking, she looked away. "Ok." And she turned back to the kitchen.

Something inside him snapped and it made him angry the way she was acting with him. She should be angry with him too. "Damnit Sara." He growled and marched into the kitchen.

"What? What is it?" She spun around, spilling some coffee onto the floor.

"Stop being so damned understanding." His voice rose as he spat out the words, his eye wild and his hands clenching at his sides, unsure what to do.

Staring again, she couldn't think quickly enough to catch up with the sudden argument.

Realising he was making a scene, Grissom groaned at himself and turned away.

"Hey." Sara called, grasping his arm. "What's going on?"

Sighing heavily and shoulders dropped in defeat. "Sara." He paused and turned when she released him. "Look, I'm a wreak right now and I'm confused. I can't even think straight…"

"No." She shook her head, stepping around the coffee on the floor. "Something set you off. Tell me."

He looked at her for a moment before looking away sharply. "It's nothing." God was he turning into a coward. He truly was lost if he couldn't talk to a friend anymore. But perhaps that was what was wrong. She was more than a friend and though it felt wrong to even think it, he couldn't help but remember the night they shared and the emotions that poured between them.

Not buying it, and getting ticked off by his avoidance, Sara placed her hands on her hips and glared at him. "All I asked was if you wanted something to eat. What's wrong with that?"

"Nothing." He replied curtly, only to sigh and continue more curiously. "How can you be so understanding? After what's happened? After what I did?"

"Oh." Sara's eyes fell to the floor and a moment later she moved to rinse a floor cloth to wipe up the coffee spill.

"If it was Cath, she'd have yelled at me by now." He murmured softly, not trying to sound accusatory.

Hiding the hurt expertly, she crouched to mop up the mess. After rinsing the cloth out and pouring more coffee into the cup, Sara sighed. She knew what he was getting at. It was hard not to. Catherine would have been up front and clear, but she wasn't Catherine, nor did she want to be. It was hard enough being seen as a temporary replacement in his eyes than it was seeing him lost and afraid.

"I messed things up, didn't I?" He put the question out there when he took the cup she held out to him. His eyes holding hers for a fraction of a second, because she turned away almost instantly.

"No harm done." She said casually, much more casually than she was feeling. In her head, she was telling herself to just make it out that nothing was wrong and everyone was going to be fine. It wouldn't do any good leaving this conversation open for discussion in the future.

Grissom followed her out of the kitchen and stood as she sat at the dining table. Waiting for her to settle, he moved to sit on the end chair, facing her. "Sara. There was plenty of harm done. Hurt and pain. For both of us and it was my fault." He looked into his coffee briefly. "I'm confused." He confessed.

"Nothing to be confused about." She sighed. "Griss, can we just not talk about it?" Her eyes pleaded with him. "It's in the past. I guess the only good thing that came out of this was…" Focusing her attention on the notepad on the table, she played with the handle of her cup. "The only good thing was, that we both got what was needed at the time. Nothing more, nothing less."

Looking up at him, she shook her head a little. "It was nothing."

Staring was beginning to be the common reaction.

Grissom rubbed his eyes and sipped his coffee slowly. Setting the cup back down, he frowned. "Was it?"

Both heads raised slightly to regard each other.

Slowly reaching for Sara's right hand, he stroked her long fingers. "At the time, it was too early. Too soon. But…" He stalled when her hand slipped from his.

"I've got class at eleven." She said hesitantly.

Not liking the hint or the halt in conversation, Grissom turned away and stood. "I guess I should go then."

"I think that would be best."

"Before someone says something they might not want to hear?" He looked back at her as he reached under the coffee table for his shoes.

"Something like that." She said quietly, her eyes still on the notepad.

After slipping his shoes on and standing, he located his coat and stood for a silent moment, just staring at the floor. "Who would have thought it would be like this."

Sara's eyes stung as she listened to him leave. Who would have thought that she would fall in love with her best friend, witness her best friend start a relationship and be there when his love lost her life. Who would have thought she would sleep with her love, only to be thrust away because of the circumstances and then have to live with only the memories of bliss of those short hours.

If she had done something wrong in this life or the past, she wished her punishment wasn't so painful and cruel.

Setting out the final paper, she returned to her desk and shuffled through a pile of folders to find the one she was looking for. While she was kneeling on the floor, trying to retrieve and fallen file, she heard the lecture room door open and several sets of footsteps enter.

"Can I help you?" She called, grabbing the file and swinging her arm to land the file on the desk above her head.

"Dr. Sidle?" A familiar voice asked.

Sara smiled and pulled herself up. "Not yet, but I'm working on it. Hello Jim."

Brass chuckled. "Sara. It's good to see you. It's been a few days."

"Funny, I was about to say the same thing. How are things in PD?"

"Good. What about school?" He teased, looking around the room.

"Busy." Her smile faded slightly when she finally noticed the other two people in the room.

Greg was serious faced and Sophia Curtis was sombre and professional.

Brass pivoted on his foot to look back at the others. "I'm guessing you've all met?"

Sara nodded. "We have. Hey Greggo."

Greg smiled a little. "Hey Sara. You look good."

"Thanks. Sophia." She nodded to the woman standing away from them all. Sara took in their blue CSI flack jackets and their badges that hung from around their necks. She turned to Brass with a slight worried expression. "Why are you here?"

Sophia stepped forward to answer. "We're here because we have some questions."

"About?" Sara asked.

"Two of your students." Brass answered, looking at Sophia pointedly. "Can you give me a minute? I'd like to ask Miss Sidle some questions."

"On behalf of the Police Department, I'm guess?" Snarked Sophia.

"Good guess."

When Greg and Sophia had left the room, Brass moved to sit down on a front row seat, where a student would be sitting in less than an hour. He had a troubled look about him.

"You're worrying me Jim. What's going on? Did one of my students end up a case or something?"

"I'm afraid so." He sighed.

Sitting down slowly at her desk, Sara stared at him. "How? What happened?"

Brass had explained the details and asked several questions about attendance and class schedules. Sophia and Greg didn't come back into the room until Brass called for them. They both stood there quietly for a few minutes.

"How can I help?" Sara finally asked. "That's obviously why the Crime Lab are here."

Greg was the first to speak, in a neutral tone. "Your name was found at the crime scene. We just need to ask some questions."

Sara stared at them. "My name?"

"Yes." Sophia pulled out a crime scene photo and held it at arms length. She continued to talk as Sara took the photo and examined it. "Among the textbooks in that photo is your card and your number." She watched Sara's reaction. "Your home number."

"My what?" Sara walked behind her desk and opened a drawer. She pulled out a magnifying glass and zeroed in on the card. Brass waited, but Sophia seemed to have her own agenda, which was puzzling Sara.

"I'd like to get a statement from you Miss Sidle. Preferably at the station." Sophia looked at Brass before looking back at Sara, waiting for the police officer to step in.

"She's not a flight risk." Brass intoned.

"Never the less, I'd like to get a statement."

Sara handed back the photo and nodded. "It's ok Jim." She pulled out her cell phone. "I just need to get some back up to cover my class."