When Life Seems Too Hard
Kara leans wearily against the side of her battered ship. A couple more hits and it was sure to fall apart around her. She feels the same, a collection of spare parts only held together by grit and blood. With a twelve hour shift behind her and the prospect of six hours solid sleep in front, she's exhausted but tranquil. For once, life was looking up. They hadn't seen the Cylons for almost a month and the civilians were settling into a routine. For the pilots, the quiet was un-nerving- everyone was wondering when the Cylons were going to show up.
Giving the Viper that serves her so well a farewell pat, Kara pushes herself away from the hull and makes for the showers. Her stomach is growling and for once, she's looking forward to eating the slop that the canteen calls food. In one hand, she carries her helmet and gloves, and with the other she starts unzipping the flight suit she wears like a second skin. The vest top underneath it is soaked in perspiration and she can't wait to take it off. Even a cold shower sounds good to her.
She doesn't get far before the alert sirens sound. She tenses while pilot names are called out and as she expected, hers is one of them. The exhaustion which had weighed her down mere seconds ago was spirited away on a wave of adrenaline. Lee came sprinting into the bay and she waved a hand carelessly at him. There had been a bug running rampant on the ship and they were running on a skeleton crew. He looked as exhausted as she felt, with dark shadows etched under his eyes and hollows carved into the planes of his cheeks.
It meant pilots were having to cover double shifts and take on duties in other parts of the ship. Everyone was running on empty. When she sat back in the cockpit, she would be clocking on to her third shift of the day. It was an exhausting thought and before it had time to take hold, she clambered back into the Viper. Gloves and helmet were slipped on quickly and efficiently as she readies herself for battle.
"Know what's up?" Kara calls to him across the bay. He shrugged in reply, busy hauling himself into the cockpit. Once inside, he can talk to her through the radio. She copies him, slipping into the cockpit with practiced ease. The ship came to life around her with a flick of her wrist. She was ready and waiting to go.
"You okay to fly?" Lee asked, already knowing what her answer would be.
"I'm good to go." And she was- adrenaline had chased the fatigue away.
"So, you know what's going on?" She asks again.
"Trouble with one of the civilian ships." He answers her, sounding tired of his job for once. Trouble with a civilian ship was almost always mechanical, which meant that there was nothing that the Viper pilots could do to help.
The deck crew moves the ship to the launch tubes. The launch is as brutal as it is exhilarating. The Viper makes her feel alive in a way she never could feel anywhere else. She made it out of the launch tube and the engines kicked in, snapping her back into the seat. Her keen blue eyes scan the expanse around her, searching for trouble. She finds none and turns her ship to face Lee's.
"Which one, Apollo?" she asks over the radio.
He tells her the name and they fly over to it. Immediately, she can see what the problem is and is genuinely shocked for the first time in memory. The ship had a hole the size of her fist in the cockpit window. She didn't have to look too closely to know that the dark red liquid splashed all over the seats was blood.
"Oh, frak." she breaths, not wanting to believe what she is seeing. In her earpiece, she could hear Lee echoing her sentiments. Chills race along her spine and she spins her Viper around to scan the space around her. She had known those pilots. Some small movement catches her strained attention, and she snaps her head around to see it fully. A Cylon raider hangs mere feet away from her Viper.
For once in her life as a combat pilot, her mind freezes. She's heard of this happening to other pilots, but always believed it would never happen to her. Some of those pilots she heard about made it through- most didn't. She always believed that she was too damn good to freeze on the job. She can't move, doesn't breathe. If she doesn't move, it won't get her. A child's belief and one that is about to get her killed. An unknown feeling is building inside her chest. She cannot name it.
A second slips past before she reacts to the threat. Her hand tightens on the firing control. Her index finger caresses the button and the raider explodes into pieces in front of her. The explosion is much too close to her and she knows that she didn't cause it. Shrapnel flies past her Viper at a lethal rate. She should move the Viper out of the way, but she does nothing. If she doesn't move, it can't hurt her… she realizes that the un-named emotion is fear.
"Starbuck- are you alright?" Apollo's tight voice gets through to her finally, over the barrier she had built up so quickly.
The simple answer is no, she is not alright. She thinks she has lost her nerve. It just can't be true. The great Starbuck cannot lose her nerve. It defies the laws of nature. She feels sick, to hot and too cold at the same time.
"Kara! Answer me!" He sounds worried about her. With a jolt, she realises that she still hasn't replied to Lee's question.
"I'm… I'm not sure." she chokes out. Beads of perspiration slid down her face and she itches to wipe them away. Her hands were shaking so such she could barely keep the Viper still.
Movement startled her again, and she snapped her head rounds, only to relax when she realised it was only Lee's Viper coming up next to hers. He nudges his around until they were nose to nose. She hears the radio link chirp as he transfers it over to a secure line.
"What's wrong?" He asks, in full CAG mode. His reasoning is simple- had it been a mechanical problem, she would have spoken up straight away. That meant it was a problem with her, and he was willing to bet that she didn't want it broadcast to the control centre.
"I can't do this Lee." There was a hitch in her voice which she hated. "I think… I think I've lost it. I think I've lost my nerve." Saying those words out loud cost her immeasurably. She closes her eyes as she waits for him to laugh.
He doesn't think it's funny. The mere thought of Kara losing her nerve sets his head spinning. Her love of flying and combat is one of the great constants in his life. He tries to say something reassuring, but can't finds the words. Instead, he opts for getting them both back to the ship as quickly as possible.
There's nothing that they can do for the civilian ship and with Kara scared, it seems to be the most prudent thing to do.
"Okay, Kara, just follow me in. We'll take it nice and slow." Lee says, before switching over to Galactica Actual. "Dee, this is Apollo…" he concisely describes the situation with the civilian ship and explains about the Cylon raider. He leaves out the part about Kara.
They don't need to know yet and he suspects that they'll be trouble enough when they both land. Lee turns his Viper slowly, giving her time to copy him. She does, but with none of her normal grace. She looks like she's flying a Viper for the first time. He can hear her breathing through the radio link and realizes how serious the situation is. He is flying wing to someone who is deathly afraid. Had it been the other way around, he knew she'd have known what to say. But he didn't have her years as a flight instructor to fall back on for inspiration.
Knowing she'll hear him, he keys in a code to link him directly to his Father. The older man answers it immediately.
Lee is the first one to speak. "Dad, we have a problem." He can imagine his father rubbing at the spot between his eyebrows as if he could rub away the tension. "I think… I think Kara's lost her nerve." The words parted reluctantly from his lips like a uneasy lovers.
For a second, his father seems as lost for words as Lee had been. It was hard to believe that someone like her could suddenly become afraid of the thing she once lived for.
"What happened?" Commander Adama is in full leadership mode.
"I'm not sure." Lee wonders if he should have added a sir onto the end of his sentence. "We were patrolling as ordered and a Raider got the drop on us. Kara… The problems began then."
Kara has seen something the men cannot. A lone Raider is slipping silently through the tangle of ships. It's heading towards them. Some part of her reacts to the threat, but she can't make her body move. For the longest second, she sits frozen in the cockpit while the enemy draws ever closer. She couldn't even shout to let Lee know of the threat. She feels like a rabbit before a freight train. Her pulse is racing, breath coming in short pants as fear and the need for action fought for dominance.
Frustrated with herself, her grip on the controls was so tight that her knuckles were almost transparent. She had a second, perhaps two before the Cylon was on top of them. She knew what decision she had to make, and made it reluctantly. With a yell of pure fear, she wrenched the ship away for the illusion of safety Lee's ship provided her with and flew off towards the enemy. Her hands weren't as steady on the controls as she would have liked. The thumb the hovered about the fire button shook more than the rest of her body.
She engages with the Cylon, flying by thought, not instinct like she normally did. Suddenly, flying had become hard work. She fires a burst of gunfire at the Raider, but they miss. Swearing, she tries another burst and clips the wing of the Raider. A tiny feeling of victory washes over her and she realises that she is okay. She's still scared, but she can cope. Gods, she thinks, was this how other pilots felt? Is this how Lee feels? She knew that she could fly with that feeling.
Again, she aims and fires at the Raider. This time she scores a direct hit and the Cylon ship blows to pieces in front of her. They harmlessly pass by her Viper as she flies through the debris. There is no rush of victory this time. All she feels is relief that the fight is over. Space is known for silence, but she's never known it to be so deep as it was now. No-one speaks for a moment, and she rushes to break the silence.
"Lee?" She asks, hating the way her voice sounds. Weak, and shaky. She still sounds scared.
"I'm here Kara." For some reason, using callsigns seems inappropriate. "Are you okay?"
"I… I don't know." It is the honest truth. Raising a gloved hand, she can see her fingers are shaking still. She clenches her fist to hide the fact, even though no-one can see her.
"Follow me in." It is more of a request than an order, but she obeys him without thinking. If he hadn't been so worried about her, he would call her on it. She never followed his orders without at least a little fight.
The two ships wind their way through the fleet. Without knowing it, they have an audience in everyone of the ships. It's unusual for dogfights to take place within the fleet and when they do they attract attention. The Galactica had never seemed so far away before. At last, the landing bay came into sight and Lee sighed with relief. It was nearly over. The landing went smoothly, for which Kara was immensely grateful. She couldn't take any more stress. For once, all she wanted was to get out of the Viper.
The lift took them to the bay where finally, she could get away from the Viper. She waited impatiently while the deck crew opened the canopy and removed her helmet. The feeling of relief that washes over her as her feet hit the Galactica's deck was profound. Lee walks over to her and touches her shoulder with concern.
Again, he asks "You okay?"
Again, she answers him truthfully "I don't know."
"You'll be fine." He assures her, turning to come face to face with his Father.
"Dad." He says by way of a greeting, before stepping around the older man to give him and Kara some privacy.
"Lee!" Kara calls, waiting until he turns before continuing "Thank you… For what you did, Thank you."
"You'd do the same for me."
"Anytime," She agreed with a smile, though it was a fraction of her normal brilliant one.
"Sir." She said to Commander Adama. Clearly, he wants to say something to her, but decides against it. They stand in silence for a few minutes before he speaks his mind.
"Being scared is nothing to be ashamed about. It's being so scared that you can't act, can't think that you should be worried about. You acted, Kara, to the raider. You didn't let fear beat you down. No matter what you think, you didn't lose." He touches the same shoulder that Lee did. "You still won Kara, regardless of what you felt. I'm proud of you." With that, he leaves her standing alone with the Viper that she nearly lost her life in. She knows it wasn't the first time and that it won't be the last. She reaches out and touches the Viper, whispering "I didn't lose."