Chapter 22

Finding Henry Giles walking in her direction, Sara stopped him with a smile and held out a single blue file that had several finalised proposals inside. "I'm glad I caught you." She turned and both walked down the corridor as they talked. "I was just coming to find you in fact."

Henry chuckled and balanced his coffee mug as he flipped through the folder. "I'm very pleased you looked these over. I couldn't believe it when I was mobbed by half my class this morning, inquiring after your answer."

Sara sighed, but kept smiling. "It wasn't easy and I did nearly hand them back to you, but I was given a good pep talk and talked it out, so that helped change my mind."

"And who do I owe the thanks?" He asked, stopping when he came across the credited and funding name for all four proposals. "Ah. Now I'm impressed with him."

"How so?" Sara was puzzled.

Chuckling and pushing forward to get moving again, Henry closed the folder. Tucking it under his arm, he took a sip of his coffee. "The renowned Gil Grissom refused a few of my proposals."

Sara stared at the floor. "Oh."

Sensing her embarrassment, Henry looked at her. "Sara, I might be jealous of your connections, but this is a great move in the right direction. At this rate you'll be the professor that all the students want on their lecture lists."

Laughing self consciously, she looked around. "I doubt that, but I can get Doctor Grissom to reconsider-"

"About the proposals? Hell no." He barked a laugh.

"Well, that wasn't what I… never mind." She smiled. It wouldn't kill to use Grissom's popularity with the professors or his reputation as a CSI, just as long as she kept out of anything that would involve tarnishing his name further than association.

Holding open the courtyard door, Henry couldn't help but ask. "I don't mean to pry, but how on Earth did you get the renowned Doctor Gil Grissom to look over these and volunteer funding and his time to lecture?"

Sara sighed and continued to walk at his side across the yard. "It was actually his idea. I was apposed to the whole business."

"Cold feet?" He smiled at passing students.

"Yes." She answered bluntly and shot him an embarrassed look.

Henry sighed and chuckled. "It's ok Sara. First time is a lot to take on board. I know you CSI's like solitude or whatever you do on your downtime, but here, it's different. You've got professors who envy you and want your job and you've got students who want to be taught by you and then want to be you."

Sara stopped outside her classroom door and turned to him. "Guess that's one way of encouraging me. Thanks Henry."

Happy to receive sarcasm from the new young professor to be, Henry grinned and tapped the folder he held on her head playfully. "Go get 'em tiger."

"Oh, go away." She cracked with laughter, shooing him with her hands. "Go talk to those bugs of yours."

"I intend to. And thank you Sara." He held up the folder and headed off down the corridor.

Pleased with her new budding friendship with the elder Entomologist, Sara entered her classroom and prepped for morning class.

Sophia didn't like what she saw, but it was clear as day. Though she could have done with something good to brighten up her day, she would have to settle with going in to work early and getting on with a case she was beginning to despise.

Standing in the break room with the case evidence log open on the table, she poured herself a much needed cup of coffee before resigning herself to working over the paper evidence she had while waiting on DNA.

Warrick and Nick wouldn't be in for at least another hour, as shift was still belonging to swing. Grissom, the mighty nightshift supervisor, was someplace. Probably still at home, or off romancing soon-to-be-professor Sidle.

Scoffing at the thought, Sophia couldn't bring herself to look at either of them as a couple. Perhaps a couple of idiots, but not as a relationship. At the party a while back, meeting Sara for the first time, Sophia hadn't even seen a friendship between old boss and old employee, but maybe she had been wrong. They had left together after all.

Rumour was, well, there were a few, but this afternoon the rumour was that Gil Grissom was heartbroken after Catherine's death and had filed a negligence report on Sara for not securing the crime scene, which resulted in the death of a colleague. But this was old news. Almost a year late, so she didn't pay attention.

What she did believe from all the gossip, was that after questioning Sara, Grissom had followed her out to her car and they were seen talking. Grissom had been practically all over Sara, holding her hand, talking, doing what people do when in a relationship.

Whether it was true or not, he wasn't doing anything wrong. He wasn't involved in the 'frat' case and Sara was looking less like a suspect with every piece of evidence.

She didn't have to like any of it though.

The sound of the locking mechanism on his supervisors door caused him to flinch. Not really expecting his day to go from pretty much ok, to worrying about Sara, to some how inserting his foot into his mouth in front of his boss. Greg really hadn't wanted to bring up anything to do with what was going on between Grissom and Sara. It had to be difficult under the circumstances anyway.

Motioning for the young man to take a seat, Grissom rounded his desk, but didn't sit down. He was a little nervous and didn't want to be seen fidgeting or fiddling with anything in front of his CSI.

"Griss-" Greg started, thinking that it was bound to be painful one way or another, and decided he might as well say something first.

"It's ok Greg." Grissom surprised him. "I'm not angry or anything." Thinking that it might be better to be seated, he pulled back his chair and slowly lowered himself into it.

Greg was relieved, immensely. "Oh good!" He left out a rush of air and smiled a little, looking around the room. "I was worried for a second. I swear, I was just worried about Sara and this case and… stuff." He stalled when he looked back at his boss and saw the look of deep thought in the older mans eyes.

Taking a quiet breath when he opened his mouth, Grissom's brows furrowed further. "You really thought I'd labelled Sara a murderer?"

Greg was taken aback at the typical Grissom question, using 'labelled' like he was talking about a case. He guessed it was just his way of separating himself.

"I guess I did… At one time." Grissom pushed out with a surprised laugh, making Greg nervous.

"Er, Grissom, you ok?"

Shaking his head to clear his thoughts, Grissom focused on the young man. "What?"

Greg sat forward slightly. "You ok?"

Furrowing his brow in confusing this time, Grissom nodded. "Of course. I've been better, but… you know?"

Nodding slowly, Greg sat back and folded his hands in his lap. "Good. Good." Still nervous, he started to tap his right thumb against the back of his left hand.

Starting to gather things more clearly in his mind, Grissom leaned into the side of his chair with a thoughtful expression. "You actually thought that I'd think Sara was a murderer?" He asked again, clearly more shocked.

Not sure what to say, Greg said nothing. He soon knew that he really didn't have to say anything. Grissom seemed that he was about to have an epiphany or something.

"I blamed her." He confessed. "I even told her so."

Greg watched as his boss seemed to look straight though him, giving him a chilled feeling.

"We need to talk. But it's hard, you know?" He asked rhetorically. "We tried a few times. Even got down to the soul of it, but I guess we both clammed up. I clammed up. She clammed up." His voice faded out.

Deciding he had a good enough question to inject into this newfound trust that Grissom seemed to have 'entrusted' in him, Greg took a small breath. "Have either of you mentioned what you're going to do once all this is behind you both?"

Grissom seemed to think about it before shaking himself out of his own head and looked at Greg. "I don't know."

"Didn't think that far?" Greg asked.

"No."

Nodding, Greg pushed himself forward and stood. "You know what? I think hearing about her exclusion from the case from me would be pretty cool, but I think it would be cooler, if it came from you. I'll catch you later tonight boss. Say 'Hi' to Sara for me."

"… We've covered a lot this period. So I'm going to give you guys a break and let you go early." Sara announced and smiled as the room erupted into joy filled comments and cheers.

"Just remember that I'll want you all to consider your next paper really carefully, as it will determine if you will pass. Guys," She paused and grabbed their attention by tapping her board marker on the desk. "Before you think that you can just study for an hour and pass this 'piss easy' think again. You fail this paper and you 'will not' be accompanying the field trips for the entire semester. Do I make myself clear in your binge drinking, partying brains?"

A chorus of 'Yes Ma'am' echoed in the room, causing Sara's smile to grow.

"Go on, get out of here before the hall inspectors do the rounds for truancy." She chuckled and turned to start clearing away her desk. Not that they had a hall inspectors anymore, but it was all a bit of fun.

"Miss Sidle?" A voice called.

Stacking some of the books on the desk, Sara looked over her shoulder. "Yes Charlie?" Shuffling with a nervousness that reminded Sara of Greg asking her for a lunch break together, she turned and gave him her full attention. "A question?" She ventured with a soft smile.

Charlie nodded and cleared his throat. "I was wondering if it was true that you are a suspect in a murder?"

Several students one their way to the door stopped and looked back.

Sara shifted her stunned gaze from the young man standing in front of her to the other students staring back at her. "Well," She stumbled over what exactly she should say. "Yes, it's true."

"Did you murder-" Charlie's voice was interrupted by a knock on the door. He looked towards it and became more nervous.

"No, Miss Sidle didn't and isn't." Grissom's voice almost echoed in the empty room. He walked around the group of listening students and approached the stage. "I've just been informed by the police and the CSI's involved, that Miss Sidle has been excluded as a suspect in this murder. So, furthermore questioning on this matter is better keep to ones self." He informed Charlie with a pointed look.

"Oh, yes! Of course." Nodding frantically, Charlie grabbed his bag and shoved it onto his shoulder. "Sorry Miss Sidle. I was…"

"Just curious?" Sara smiled and reached out to pat his arm. "No problem Charlie. Now go on. Study for that paper or you'll be staying here for the rest of the term."

"I will ma'am. Doctor Grissom."

Watching and waiting for the room to completely clear, Grissom leaned back against the desk, his hands curling around the edges. "Little intense for a minute there." He commented.

Sara went about gathering up several pages of notes. "A little." Taking a deep breath, she paused and looked up, looking into his eyes as he turned his head towards her. "What are you doing here?"

He shrugged and picked up a book from the pile she had made moments before Charlie had asked the ever tense question. "I came to tell you officially that you have been excluded from the case. Brass is following some pretty strong leads and Sophia is doing the same. Greg was a little worried for a minute." He flipped through some pages without looking at the contents. "We had a chat."

Licking her lips nervously, Sara snapped her briefcase shut and took the book from his hands to place it and the others into a small file box. "That's nice."

"The chat?" He asked slowly, moving to stand. "It was pretty confusing, actually."

Shoving her case under her left arm, she grabbed the box by it's handle holes on either side. "Coffee? Or are you going home?" She twisted her right hand carefully and glanced at her watch. "It is well past you bedtime."

Grissom shuffled after her as she started to leave the room. "I was working late for Jim. He needed some evidence put through the lab."

"So?"

"So… Coffee would be nice. There's a diner around the corner." He held the door open for her.

"Actually, I was thinking we needed to talk."

He sighed. "Sara, I'm tired. I'd really like to share a coffee with you, but I'm not in any state to talk."

"Grissom." She shifted her arms to angle around the box more comfortably and hold onto her briefcase. "I'm worried about you now more than I was before everything messed up."

Not sure what she meant, he asked. "How do you mean?"

She released the box when he reached for it and held onto her briefcase with her now free hand so she could open the next set of doors. "I mean, you're not the person you once were, which is understandable, but-"

"But what?" He asked quickly, not sure if his brain was just not accepting the conversation or he just didn't understand what she was talking about. Which is doubted very much.

Snatching a quick glance at him, Sara continued. "You're scaring me Gil. And this isn't the place for this pending - whatever it is - conversation." She looked around before moving towards the parking lot.

Throwing out his defences, he slowed his pace so he walked behind her. "I'll meet you at the diner."

Sara sighed and stopped walking, waiting for him to catch up, knowing he was just trying to avoid talking about what they had been putting off for a long time now. "No. You know very well that this is a private 'hash it out'. My place is walking distance."

Grissom knew she was right and he did have a little swell of pride at how she was now trying to face what demons were haunting her, and him. He was just unsure what to say, and still afraid that he'd say the wrong things. It wasn't like he wanted to hurt her, he was just worried about his own temper.

Uncomfortable and on edge, both stood stock still in the apartment. Sara was stood behind the couch, while Grissom was located by the table. Neither had really said a word, other than an offer of coffee and a snack, but that was it. The silence had encased them and soon one broke the standstill with a deep breath.

"Where do we start?"

Sara looked up from her hand, her fingers pulling absently at the ruffles on the blanket covering the couch. Grissom turned his head towards her. "The beginning." She stated the obvious.

"That's a good place to start." He agreed, though with hesitation. "But not a very comfortable subject."

"That's the point." She murmured. Grasping the back of the couch, her voice returned to normal as she continued. "This is going to happen now because I can't take it anymore."

He watched her blink once. "You can't stand what? Anymore?"

"The guilt, Gil!" Growling in frustration, Sara threw her hands up in the air and stormed around the couch to sit down.

While trying not to react in several different ways, he forced himself to talk. "You're not the only one feeling the guilt, Sara." He said slowly.

"How can you carry the guilt? When it's my fault Catherine is dead?" She asked curiously, almost not fathoming why he didn't understand.

"Circumstance don't-"

"I don't give a damn Grissom." She snapped. "I showed up at a crime scene I wasn't assigned to. And yet, I turned up to process and failed to secure. My guilt is justified."

"The officer on duty was the one who failed to secure the crime scene. And you being there was your job." He said evenly, his supervisor tone coming in to play.

Sara stood up with a dark look in her eyes, her face red and her breathing rapid. "Stop rationalising my actions and yell at me already!" She sucked in a quick breath. "Blame me Gil! I know you do. I can see it in your eyes! Every time I think back to that night and watch it ALL over again, I see the hate and the blame and the PAIN, every time you look at me."

Her eyes blinked in quick succession with tears and her breathing became slightly laboured with shock and anger. "I want you to be relieved of that anger so you can get on with your life. To find someone else or just be content. I want to know you faced the object of all the pain you were caused, all the pain you still feel, and not let it stop you from moving on."

Grissom's eyes softened, then closed as he took a seat at the table. His head hurt and so did his heart.

"I will not stand by and let you ignore it and make a huge mistake by being present in my life when you clearly have more to live for than a burn victim whose scarred for life and with NO prospect of EVER being touched by another human being again."

Clearly shaken by the truth of her own words, Sara's face went from outrage and hot to wide-eyed and a sudden comprehension of how terrified she was at admitting the complete truth out loud and to the one person she was afraid of losing and scaring off.

Grissom sat, unblinking. His shoulders were already tense, but now more so. Shaking his head after gathering only a thread of his thoughts, he blinked and let out a slow rush of silent air.

"Okay." He sighed loudly after a second, then raised his hand to rub at his forehead.

Sara looked up slowly from the carpet, where her brow was furrowed at, her thoughts lost in a deep abyss of self loss and her ears awaiting the anger she deserved.

Feeling she was going to have to either provoke him into an argument for peace of minds sake or she was going to need to talk this out, and still have the same conclusion. At least if they argued, Grissom would eventually point the blame and get it off his chest. Holding it inside would only lead to explosion, but she couldn't wait any longer with the guilt she felt. Knowing it would never go away was something she would have to learn to live with, but she knew how he bottled up emotions and how it affects him. His outbursts in the lab with tough cases was always a good example of bottled up emotion. His lack of already anti-social behaviour with the higher-ups was another.

She didn't want him losing his job due to her. She had already taken from him and had vowed never to do it again. Getting him to talk was never easy. His anger towards her was always simmering on the surface, but he would ignore or forget about her.

They used to be best friends. She had tried to fake friendship as he sort a life with Catherine and Lindsey. Which was yet another heavy dose of painful guilt. A daughter lost her mother because she was too eager to please and do her job, when all it led to was death and destruction.

All of a sudden, she got it.

She was looking for forgiveness when she shouldn't be. She had taken a life. She had taken a loved one from their family and worst of all, she had finished whatever was left of the Gil Grissom she once knew.

With all her studies and advancement, she had always thought of her mentor as more than a friend. More than just her mentor. She had fallen in love with him and in her quest to find if her feelings where returned, she witnessed heartbreak, rejection and loss. Three combinations that led her to the place she is now.

Changing careers was the right thing to do. She once looked at her job as helping others and being close to the man who held her heart. But in the end she realised she couldn't move on as a CSI. Not after Catherine died. She wasn't going to run, but she couldn't stay knowing that being a CSI was what had eventually ended her career and her life as it once was.

Being a teacher and showing kids what it was really like, she hoped to prepare the next generation about both the heart and the mind. Hers burnt out in the end. Both literally and figuratively.

Grissom closed his eyes for just a second, recalling a very recent conversation with the young Greg Sanders. This was it. The waiting was over. What was said and done in this room at this time, would lighten or darken either one of their paths.

"I realised something today." He started, the low voice gradually strengthening, knowing the length of silence could startle her. "I was working in the lab when Greg came to me about something. He was worried he couldn't be objective in his case because you might be involved. Anyway," He cleared his throat. "In the end, he said something that took me back. It didn't even register at first, but when it did, it threw me." He stopped, getting his bearings and trying hard to keep his eyes from bouncing off anything but her. He did look her way when he caught her move in his peripheral vision.

"He said 'She's no murderer'." Not seeing a reaction in her eyes, Grissom stalled for a moment. "He then back-pedalled, because of course, he realised I was probably angry or upset. But I wasn't. Not those reasons." He looked her square in the eyes. "I don't think or believe what happened makes you a murderer."

His eyes crinkled a little when she looked down. "I believe you were the victim. And if it had been different, if things had turned out opposite, I'd still be in the same emotional state."

After a moment, Sara took a shaky breath. "I doubt that."

Emotions were now in full swing. Rushing high and volatile.

"I wish you wouldn't do this Sara." Grissom sighed. "You want me to blame you?" He stood and paced the carpet in front of the coffee table. "Ok." He stopped and stared down at her with anger in his eyes. "I blame you. It's your fault. The world is round, not flat." He snapped harshly, sucking in and blowing out air quickly.

The sarcasm mixed with the exasperation was too much. Grissom turned when Sara sniffed. He watched, frozen, as she wiped at her face.

Trying had not to give into the sudden onslaught of tears, Sara rubbed at her eyes, but nothing could stop the feelings from overflowing and the tears finally came.

Stricken by what he had just said and what it had caused, Grissom moved closer and crouched on the floor, taking her right hand in his and his left hand on her knee. "Sara, I'm sorry." He whispered softly, sincerely.

She shook her head. "No, you're right."

"Sara." He squeezed her hand. "I do harbour some of the guilt and I did, at one time, blame you, but as I've spent time with you, I've thought more about Catherine and how lucky you are to be alive. I can't see you as anything but the victim, who has survived a life threatening situation. You have to move on too, or I can't."