Disclaimer: I do not own Bishoujo Sailor Moon or any of its characters except for Kazuki/Akira/strange people who I made up randomly on the spot. The original manga rightfully belongs to Takeuchi Naoko.
Chapter 5: Breaking Point
by Enchanted Ice Star
A sound, so loud and penetrating in the darkness of the night, was rising in a rhythmic pattern to my ears. It sounded like the ocean, the same ocean I saw when I walked by the beach by myself, or with one of the many set bodyguards my parents assigned to watch me. The swishing and crashing definitely sounded like the ocean.
But my home was no where near it. I did not understand, and I was petrified. Perhaps we were in the middle of a flood? The idea seemed rather comforting. I wouldn't have to go to the school the next morning then. Maybe we could all get in little canoes and paddle around. That sounded interesting. But still, the crashing and swishing was perpetual.
Finally, curiousity was too much for me and I tiptoed towards the drawn window. I cautiously reached out to pull the blinds back, expecting to see roaring waves crashing below the mansion walls. And yet, as I pulled back, all I saw was the night sky, the stars, and the black shadows of houses and trees swaying in the wind.
The wind.
I blinked and slowly it dawned on me. The wind had sounded like the ocean. Distant and far, the wind made the leaves shuffle, the tree branches dance, the grass lay back in wonder. The sounds mimicked the cry of the sea and I was immediately drawn. How could it be, that two completely different elements, created such similar songs of nature?
It puzzled me, and I wanted to know.
I stepped out- someway or the other. The window was no longer there and my balcony dissolved. I had walked right beyond its boundaries and into the air. I did not fall, I was simply standing there unable to look anywhere else but ahead. The night sky darkened and the horizon melted away into one big pool of rolling water beneath my bare feet. I could not see my own feet, but I knew they were bare. I felt the cool sensation of water brushing against my sensitive skin.
"Michiru."
I listened again. That voice.
"Michiru, you're so silly."
I turned around and looked over my shoulder in a daze. My eyes widened slightly as a familiar silhouette emerged from the misty land beyond. I reached out to brush strands of hair away from my eyes as the figure approached again, blonde hair swaying, wind swirling. The figure stopped in front of me, and I knew who it was. Immediately I discarded my confusion. I wanted to know something. What did I want to know?
"I'm not silly," I found my lips moving on their own.
A gentle warm hand came and tucked a strand of loose hair behind my ear. I automatically reached up and took the hand in my own, recognizing the touch, remembering the warmth. I looked up, but I couldn't see...and yet I could. A face, a beautiful mesmerizing face. Why couldn't I see clearly?
"No, you're not," the voice answered as if in mock defeat. The hand fell away and the figure merely stood in front of me. "That wasn't a very nice trick."
"...I don't understand," my voice echoed soundly in my own mind.
"Leaving me behind like that," the voice sounded slightly hurt, but I could almost feel some sort of unknown satisfaction within. "I don't appreciate it Michiru," I felt the figure pull me in for a gentle embrace. It was not fierce, it was not passionate, it was simply...beautiful, welcoming, and I felt like I could continue falling into these arms again and again if I were allowed to.
"Promise me you'll take me with you next time?"
"Where to?" I asked.
"To where you always go," the voice answered as if it were quite obvious. "Your world. You don't expect to leave me alone forever, right?"
"Of course not," my voice was suddenly a bit higher than usual.
"I'm glad," the figure's arms tightened and I felt a strange emotion stir in the depths of my mind. What was it? I had a sudden yearn to wash away this person's insecurities and fears, even though I felt like there was something pulling me back, nagging at the back of my mind.
"Are you coming then?" The figure was retreating, farther, but I felt like it was still waiting for me. Somewhere.
"...Where?"
I heard a wonderful laugh, soothing my worries ever so slightly. "Silly, anywhere you want."
But that nagging feeling. It was being so persistent, so prevalent in the situation that I felt myself stumble backwards, away from the figure I so longed to be close to. I frowned inwardly. Why wasn't I moving in the right direction? I couldn't control it, I was tumbling faster and faster and farther and farther away from my desired location. I saw the figure reach out, I felt the sadness radiating from it and I could only stare on helplessly.
I reached out in desperation, fingers outstretched painfully to reach the beautiful teal eyes that suddenly formed before my eyes.
I finally lurched forward, eyes wide, sweat forming in pearl-like beads until I felt my hands enclose and warp around themselves.
Nothing. Nothing there.
And I found myself sitting stark upright in bed, the sun shining brightly and almost tauntingly through my pulled-back curtains. The birds chirped and the sound of distant cars driving by finally set into my muddled mind. My shoulders sagged almost instantly as I brushed away strands of plastered aqua hair.
Morning had come again.
Waking up after a very vague and almost mentally shaking dream did not suit well for the rest of the day. I had gone to school, hair tied up in a ponytail by a thin blue ribbon and looking somewhat more tired than usual. My back ached for having slept in almost a twisted position and I could not help but feel the constant pounding ache of my head as I copied down history notes.
"Kaioh-san."
I looked up, frazzled. Sensei was standing in front of my desk, ruler in hand and an expectant look in his eyes. I blinked and glanced quickly at my notes before automatically saying, "1941." I didn't even know what I was doing, but my mind seemed to have been incautiously listening to Sensei's droning voice simultaneously as I worried about...certain issues.
"Correct," then he walked away and my mind was once again pounded by his relentlessly monotone voice. I took a deep breath and placed my pen down. I couldn't do this. I couldn't just sit here when my mind was elsewhere, far away and out in the expanse of another world. I had never felt so detached, mentally, physically...I bit my lip. Why did I even care? Why did I even care if Haruka was...was...or wasn't what I expected to be? It didn't matter, did it?
We were friends. Interesting friends. Haruka had been...so distant yet so close.
It didn't matter.
I picked up my pen almost out of desperation, for my hands were starting to fidget and I needed something to do. I glanced up at the chalkboard, determined to keep my head straight for I knew that somewhere on my left, a certain being was sitting there looking quite dashing in a boy's uniform.
Who was I trying to trick?
It mattered.
The pen went down again and my hands found their way to my lap, clutching at the thin material of my school skirt. Yes, it mattered. It mattered because I...I had felt something. I couldn't -didn't- want to believe it. I, Kaioh Michiru, flustered because of someone...someone...else. Someone who had a power to affect me so...I could not help it then. I looked towards my left.
I nearly flinched.
For Haruka was looking my way too.
He smiled, his pen tucked behind his ear and looking like his usual dashing and mysterious self. I could not smile back for my mind was reeling again.
She smiled. Her pen was tucked behind her ear and she was looking quite beautiful.
No, no, no. I would not let my mother's words get to me. Perhaps my mother had decided to be completely irrational and was resorting to desperate measures to get me away from Haruka. Yes, that was highly likely. It was just like my mother to use some sort of a tactic to get things to go her way. I could not believe such thoughts were crossing my mind.
I suddenly felt so utterly childish.
"You really like to daydream, don't you? You never hear the bell."
If I could have jumped fifty metres into the air, I would have done so. But I was never the athletic type and I could only make a sort of strange noise before looking up to meet the same teal eyes that had graced my dream world. Now that he...she...he was just a breathe away, things seemed so surreal. Almost comical. Haruka Tenou couldn't be...couldn't be...
But my father's image swam hazily in my mind, and my mother's taunting and knowing gaze was clear in my visions. Now that someone had informed me, his face did seem a little bit too...pointed and small for a man. His eyes held this perpetual grace and softness that was so unique and different...never there for the average male. The air around him was so...I couldn't place a finger on it.
He...she...god, I knew I would go mental soon.
I stood up from my seat and hastily packed my books before looking him straight in the eye. I could not be flustered. I was never flustered. I would remain eerily calm even if my insides felt like troubled waters.
"Haruka," I was surprised that my voice had sounded so steady.
I saw that he suddenly looked uneasy. Sensei had walked out and the classroom was empty again. He...she...he ran a hand through his mass of golden blonde hair before trying to look indifferent. But strangely, I felt like I could see inside of him all of a sudden. I felt a brief sense of uneasiness pass through his form.
"Something wrong?" He asked. "It isn't your parents is it? About last night? Were they angry that you were back so late? I could go and apologize if you want."
I smiled. I smiled. A small one hinting amusement, but everything was make-believe. Was I acting? One of the small talents I had picked up from my overly dramatic mother. "It's alright," I continued talking in that voice again. I didn't quite recognize it as my own. "I told them that I was out for some fresh air."
"And the great Kaioh Michiru lies," his voice followed smoothly.
I flinched inwardly, raising one delicate eyebrow and wondering if his words were coming from a hypocrite. "A little white lie," I pursued, leaning over the desk towards him. "Do you agree that it is perfectly alright to lie...when it is only...a minor lie?"
I almost caught a look of frenzy in his eyes. He had looked away for a millisecond, yet I had caught the fleeting movement and something fluttered in my chest. Worry? I could not tell. I was too focused on reading his expression, noticing his movements.
"I believe it is okay to lie if it does not come to...harm other people," he finished awkwardly, "or if it's for the greater good."
"Then I guess my lie was acceptable," I replied, "or else the both of us would be in deep, deep trouble, do you not agree?" Where was this playful tone coming from? It scared me ever so slightly that I could speak as if nothing were bothering me at all. Haruka did not seem to notice the thoughts running through my mind for he was still looking quite oblivious to where I was poking at.
"Of course," he mimicked a bow. "Should I be thanking you for getting me out of deep, deep trouble?"
"A mere thanks?" I decided to play along. "I don't quite think that's enough for all the trouble I went through. I did, after all, lie to my very own father for you, Tenou Haruka."
He smirked, a small quirk of his lips. "Right, you really are a tricky one aren't you?"
I tilted my head, "I wouldn't put it that way."
"Then would you like to come watch me race? I don't normally invite people to watch because I think it's sort of an intrusion on my personal space," he shrugged lightly. "The race track is my home, and I'm willing to let you come. That is, if you would like to be in such an environment. I don't think it quite suits you."
"I'd love to," I answered almost immediately, gently, quietly.
"Next week, 7:00PM," he answered just as softly.
"But before I agree one hundred percent..."
Where was I getting this unknown courage? I did not know. I had skirted around my desk and stopped right in front of Haruka's taller form. My eyes flickered upwards, outlining his face with my gaze. His eyes held so much. His nose so prominent. His lips...they were so soft, so lush for a measly teenage boy...my fears were not ebbing and I felt turbulent waves of foreboding crashing in the pits of my mind.
Without further ado, I leaned into him and wrapped my arms around his form. I shut my eyes.
For this moment, I would relish in the fact that I was still quite oblivious to anything. Tenou Haruka was sixteen and a fellow male student. He was handsome, charming, and knew how to faze me. Yes, that would be him now, and me; Kaioh Michiru, also sixteen, his classmate and perhaps idiot of the century.
"Hey, what's wrong?" His voice was slightly confused. It was cute.
His voice. I always loved his voice. It was so different. So soothing. More touching than any music I could play.
I opened my eyes again. What was this feeling? I tilted my head up to catch his gaze. I felt my arms recoil ever so slightly as I placed them purposefully near his stomach. He was wearing the school blazer again. I had never felt so daring. My heart was pounding. I wondered if I was red in the face. I wondered if I was even conscious of my surroundings.
I only knew that I wanted to know what I had set out to know.
Without warning my hands danced and slipped beneath the last button of his maroon blazer, beneath the white school blouse until I felt smooth skin. I did not think about anything else, did not relish in the touch and did not even bother to linger. I never looked at my hands, keeping my gaze on his eyes as every millisecond felt like an eternity. My hands finally found their destination and everything...
Everything...
My breath caught ever so slightly.
Tenou Haruka was sixteen, handsome, charming, and knew how to faze me.
Kaioh Michiru, also sixteen and perhaps...no, -was-, the biggest idiot in the entire millennium.
Who was I trying to lie to? Of course everything mattered. Of course Tenou Haruka mattered. Of course I cared if he...if she...if he were female or male or human or anything real! And why? Why did I care so much?
"Michiru!" I heard Haruka gasp in utter surprise. I had never heard it so off guard, so surprised and utterly filled with fear. But then again, I had just touched a sacred area.
I had pulled back my hand, my gaze had never unlocked from its position with Haruka's. I had seen it all. The emotion passing through those teal gems. Confusion...shock...surprise...fear...then a dawning realization. I decided that my eyes had probably mirrored the same emotions. Suddenly I felt like my fingers were burning, my hand stinging, or maybe it was my eyes...
"Michiru..."
"It really...shouldn't...matter," my voice sounded so strange...so distant...I stepped back on instinct but I felt Haruka step forward in response. Hands were suddenly gripped at my shoulders, holding me in place. I saw the expression on Haruka's face. Haruka wanted to explain. Haruka wanted to say something. Haruka wanted to continue ruining the dream I had created for myself. Haruka wanted to bring me back into reality.
"Michiru, look--"
"Of course it matters," I roughly pushed the hands away with surprising strength. I crossed my arms, almost hugging myself as I suddenly felt so...so stupid...so self-cautious...so...so naive. I had always thought I was intelligent, and yes, musically talented and artistically skilled. I thought I had a mind that could get me through life fine. I thought I had common sense, that I knew not to cross the road when the light was red.
But...but was I really? Was I really as sensible as I thought I was?
Emotions, feelings that were so harsh, so sharp in my heart as I felt each and every pull of disbelief. Why was I caring so badly? Why did it even weigh so heavily on my shoulders now that I knew? Knew everything. Everything. Everything...but I knew why. I knew why it mattered. I could not believe it. I could not comprehend it. But I could not deny it. I could not discard it. I could not.
"It matters!" I nearly shouted, but I found no strength to. "It matters. I really would have loved to see you race..."
"Michiru, calm down, it's not--"
"Do you know why it matters?" My eyes widened almost wildly. I was having a epiphany. This sudden crashing realization. This mocking reality that twisted my world into an ugly, unconceivable fate.
"I think...I think I was...falling..." It was so hard to say. So difficult. So difficult to come to terms with. And then, almost suddenly I felt that surge of courage again. I looked Haruka in the eye and decided that it would be the last time I would face these teal eyes so honestly, so stupidly, so naively. "I was falling in love with you, Tenou Haruka."
I was glad she knew not to follow me then. I was glad she somehow knew my unsaid words of desperate desired privacy. I was glad that I had met no one in the hallway and I was glad that I could now sit almost pitifully at the base of a large oak tree, the trunk digging into my back but I could care less.
Tenou Haruka was sixteen and a fellow female student. She was handsome, charming, and knew how to faze me. Edit. She was beautiful, stunning, enrapturing and knew how to play with Kaioh Michiru's emotions. I suddenly wondered what a game it must have been for her. She knew everything from start to end. She made no hint of truth during all our time together. I wondered then what a stupid fool I was.
But still, the last words I had said to Tenou Haruka did not echo the reality of my heart.
"I was falling in love with you?" I nearly smirked, but found it so tiring to do so. I shut my eyes, taking my hair out of its ponytail and letting aqua tresses fall around me.
"I have fallen in love with you."
Home was dark when I entered. Home was quiet when I shut the door gently behind me. Home was eerily still as the afternoon light shone obliviously on the grand chandelier in the main entryway. Iridescent colours sparkled daintily, casting beautiful patterns of light on the clean white walls. The prismatic colours were pretty, but I was feeling in no mood to appreciate it. The soft teal glow on a patch of wall to my right reminded me depressingly of someone I no longer felt I knew. I slipped out of my leather black school shoes and automatically floated towards the music room.
Strangely, I was not surprised that my parents were in there. My mother was playing the cello and my father was sitting at the piano. Yes, both my parents, though business people, had once been musicians too. I knew my father did not play because he wanted to play. It had been out of etiquette, a normal aspect of upper class society to be able to weave music.
I listened as they ended their song. The finish was clean.
"Michiru," my mother greeted, eyes fluttering open.
"We have something for you," my father stood up from the bench and picked up a violin case resting beside one of the bench legs. My gaze flickered towards the case and I felt a sudden sense of longing to feel the comforting weight of a violin under my chin.
"It isn't quite the same one," my mother explained softly, "but it is a very good violin."
My father gave me the case and I gently opened it, marveling the smooth polished wood and the untouched strings. I thanked them, but everything was quite surreal. The atmosphere was cold, distant, and almost dream-like. We were simply family in the music room together, but it felt anything but. I felt like I did not know the people watching me, my own father and mother. Then again, someone I had felt so close had not been what they had seemed to be. I sighed mentally. Why could I not bare to think of her name anymore?
"We decided that you would be needing one immediately," my father offered a smile, as if trying lamely to bring some humanity into this family.
"It's lovely," I managed to say.
My mother beamed, her snow white teeth shining. "And we have more great news! Don't we?"
"Yes," my father grinned.
The atmosphere was definitely odd.
"I think we should talk about this in the family room," my father continued and started out of the room.
I followed, not really there, for I felt it again. That foreboding feeling that slowly crept up to me as I followed the tall silhouette of my father down the hall and into the family room. Hm, it was just a little bit funny, my house that is. Everything was just a name, a thin bare nothingness. The family room was a room that was starting to collect dust. The television, flat screen and all, had not been turned on for a while. I did not watch television, and my parents did not have the time. It was another illusion. A mere mirage to trick guests and family friends that we were of course, a very loving family that spent Saturday nights watching television together.
I found myself smirking hollowly as I sat myself down on one of the many couches in the room. They were stiff from lack of use and I could not help but look disdainfully at the thin film of dust on a certain pillow next to me. The maids had definitely decided that the family room was not a room needed to be cleaned. After all, no one went in it.
Except now.
Which of course, heightened my uneasiness.
"Michiru honey," my mother sat across from me, but I saw her eyes noticing the dust on the remote control and instantly saw the momentary distaste crossing her eyes. "Michiru," she repeated, trying to bring her concentration solely on me. "We have received wonderful news."
I decided to display excitement. "Oh?"
My father clapped his hands together, "You're going to England!"
What?
"We just received a call this morning," my mother rambled on as if gushing over a new article of clothing to add to her already teeming collection. "The Royal Academy was thrilled by your interest in studying music there and decided that they simply had to accept you!"
"My interest in studying music there?" I found myself repeating out loud in a bare whisper.
Neither my father nor my mother heard, for my father was also speaking in a flurry. "It is only the best school for music in Europe--"
"Why Europe?" I suddenly spoke up, my voice loud.
They fill silent, if only for a moment. I found it suddenly difficult to breath. Why, why, why was this happening? Why was everything happening? Why was everything so wrong? Just as I thought my life was turning and changing for the better, Haruka had come and gone like a ghost and here I was, being sent off to some foreign land because of my 'own' interests to study music?
Lies. Lies. Lies.
My parents lied.
Haruka lied.
I lied.
Everyone lies.
"We decided that you should learn to become more independent," my mother answered as if she had rehearsed that line already.
I immediately knew exactly what was going on.
The bare reality of it all was ugly, flat, and cold. I stood up from the horrendously frilly couch, sending a fluff of dust airborne due to my sudden movement. I suddenly did not know where my anger was coming from, but it burned and burned and burned and I could feel Haruka's bare skin underneath my hands, I could remember that sudden dawning realization, that moment of epiphany, and then this.
My beloved my parents. My sweet, caring parents...
"You are doing this because of Tenou Haruka, aren't you?" My voice was strangely high.
My father visibly stiffened and my mother paled. Why were they suddenly so predictable? Why were they suddenly so...so horrible?
"Michiru, what makes you think that Tenou Haruka has to do with this?" My mother's eyes were narrowed, she was visibly annoyed at my assumption. My correct assumption, might I stress.
"Because, it is written all over your face," I answered steadily, surprised at the spite behind my tone.
My father's enthusiastic demeanor instantly faded and I saw the looming anger in his features again. "This is why, Michiru! If you must ask why, this is why!" He waved a hand at me. "We're loosing you Michiru. You're changing into this...this creature that we don't even know anymore! Over in England, you'll be safe from whatever negative influences that are affecting you- Tenou Haruka being one of them! You are obviously not listening to us and you most certainly have been hypnotized silly by that woman who thinks of herself as a man!"
"How can you say that?" I felt the anguish in my voice, the pain rampant in my heart. This was terrible. Everything was terrible. I could not be strong anymore. I could not be indifferent, perpetually calm and utterly perfect anymore.
"Michiru, just think of it as a trip," my mother attempted to ease the sudden tension in the air. "A quick break from all this activity back here at home," my mother even smiled. "When you come back--"
"I'll be your perfect little doll again," I finished for her.
She looked surprised.
My father looked deranged. "Young lady! That tone of voice! You don't speak back to your mother like that!"
Not this again. It was just a replay of last night. That horrible night where I had disappointed my parents. But this time, it was so much harder. I had no more Haruka to run to. I had no more Haruka to fall into. For he...for she, I corrected myself solemnly, had lied to me. Had made no intention to tell me...had she not? Why was I always so...stupid? Why did things always fall around me? Was I doomed to eternal misery? For eternal aloneness in my own little world where I was suppose to be perfect?
"And that is why you must go! If you stay here, who knows what you'll become!"
"Oh, Michiru," my mother was stroking my hair. I was shuddering at her touch and wanted to desperately recoil. No one understood. No one would save me.
"Someday you will thank us," my mother whispered gently. "You'll remember how we pulled you away from the lion's den and saved you from ruin."
Lion's den? Of course, they meant Haruka.
Oh irony. How funny you are. They did not know that Haruka was no more. Haruka would no longer be there for me, for I had run and she had lied and we were simply a tangled mess. Everything we ever shared, everything we ever held had been...nothing. For anything based on a lie was...nothing.
"You'll be leaving next week. Your flight is at seven in the evening."
Oh irony. How cruel you are.
I had never felt so torn.
My new violin felt stiff and foreign in my grasp, the music I played as hollow as the emptiness I felt inside. There was no motivation for sweet romantic music, no hope to inspire life into the gentle tones as I pulled almost violently at a string with my bow. Even sadness, so prevalent in my life recently, I could not bring to life...nothing was quite worthwhile and nothing deserved to be given life by my miserable hands.
I stopped playing.
England. England. Some unknown land. A beautiful place, I was sure, but when everything in your life was a mass of gray hues, nothing would look beautiful. Perhaps it was not the mere prospect of going to England...it was just the simple why. Why I was to go so far away. Why.
Because I had lost my parents' trust. Because I had disappointed them greatly. Because I had ruined their perfect wondrous reputation. Or only...because I was learning to become real. I wasn't going to be another one of mother's accessories anymore. I wasn't going to be just another diamond ring on her delicate finger, nor was I simply going to be a pestering wrinkle in one of my father's pressed crisp white blouses.
And who had made me realize all this?
My mind refused to think of her name, but the image of her tall form instantly formed in my head. So clear, so tangible, I could almost run my fingers through those sandy locks of hair...oh Michiru, you're such a fool. Tenou Haruka...there, I thought of her name. But when I did, that weird ache scratched at my raw heart. I had so many questions to ask her, so many answers I desired, yet at the same time I was so frightened of even hearing them.
I had this uncontrollable desire to squeeze something. Just anything to relieve me of this inner anger, fright, sadness, all the negative emotions eating away at my soul. Why was I so affected by the bare, naked truth before me? Why could I not simply face it, head high and back straight? Why was I relenting, bending over in anguish and sadness? Why was I becoming so weak?
I thought I was stronger than that. A bitter sensation swept through my barren mind. Who would have thought that confident, accomplished, mysterious, beautiful Kaioh Michiru with a touch of arrogance was in actual fact just another falling human being with a tortured mind and soul?
I glanced hollowly at the new violin my parents had given me. Suddenly it didn't look like a beautiful instrument anymore. Suddenly, it merely looked like a ball and chain tying me down to my parents again, stopping my flight to freedom. And Haruka would not free me anymore...Haruka...
What was I going to do?
But then, I was leaving. To England.
I laughed. Out loud. I listened to the almost alien sound as my quiet room seemed to absorb the noise and silence fell again. I was going far away, far, far away...it suddenly didn't seem like such a bad idea. There, mother and father's disappointment would not faze me. There, I would be far, far away from Tenou Haruka...
How silly of me to think I could bare being so far away from her!
Just the mere thought of it sent a tremor through my petite form, racking my body in a irrepressible sob. Sob? No, I was crying? Impossible. Utterly impossible. I could not cry. I was not a stupid, silly girl who was going to break at a mere obstacle that had appeared in life. But sometimes...one can only take so much. My sanctuary, my heaven...had fallen.
My shoulders sagged in utter defeat.
I could not deny if anymore. Though I had tried to think of anything but those enrapturing teal eyes, they were a constant plague and seemed to follow me like a shadow. Why? Why couldn't I simply turn away?
Because this time...this time I had fallen. Fallen for somebody...somebody so free, spirited and different. Finally, Kaioh Michiru had given in to emotions. And what did she get in return? Haruka...Haruka...were you ever going to tell me? Were you ever going to be honest with me? Did you ever take me seriously? Was this all a game to you? A play? A mere dance to see who would fall first and trip over their own feet? Or was it just my outright stupidity? Should I not blame you for the pain I feel now?
Did I ever really...know you?
The sun had already fled the sky, the blue tinged with bloody crimson streaked like blood across the heavens. The wind was howling again as if in sorrow, a soulful song of longing as it fluttered through the dusk air. I fell backwards onto my bed, desperate for sleep to claim me. No more thoughts, no more worries, anything to stop the pounding flood of emotion storming through me.
One hand rummaged through a nearby drawer, fingers circling a small white plastic container. I rolled over onto my stomach, blue eyes wide and at the brink of breakdown. The sound of sleeping pills sloshing in the container managed to calm my senses ever so slightly as I took one, two, three...why couldn't I stop? My fingers were shaking, the sky was still so red, why was it so bloody red?
Four, five, six.
I rolled over again, my eyes slowly rolling towards the window. The curtains were not drawn, giving me a beautiful pulsing view of the crimson sky.
Seven, eight, ten.
The strings of my violin seemed to be glinting, twinkling, shimmering. But still, the sky was a pulsing red and drew my attention away. Why was everything so red? The sky was all around me now. Just beautiful hues of red, pink, and yellow. My brow furrowed as I desperately remembered something. Those teal eyes again, so filled with worry and compassion...lies, lies, lies.
Those feelings had all been veiled, unreal, a chimera.
But those beautiful eyes.
So real. So truthful. So honest and sincere.
Haruka...
I can't love you.
Eleven, twelve, thirteen.
How can I love you anymore? The thought was so unbearable, but I was suddenly feeling so light headed, so serene and calm and all the while the sky was still a beautiful ruby. A beautiful painting of colours. Maybe I would draw the sky tomorrow...but tomorrow I would feel the sadness again. The utter grief and the simple fact that I was doomed to be alone...alone, distant, but always perfect...
But if I were to love you Haruka...I wouldn't be perfect anymore.
You're a woman.
Fourteen...fifteen...
Laugh. I wanted to laugh. I wanted to giggle, but I felt so weary and tired...and suddenly, I didn't feel it anymore. I didn't feel that ache tearing me to pieces...I didn't feel that horrible pounding in my head anymore...and I didn't hear those constant voices telling me to be prim and proper, graceful and beautiful, simply perfect. They were gone. The voices, the weight on my shoulders...my fingers tingled ever so slightly.
Sixteen, seventeen, eighteen...
Haruka, I'm not mad at you...how can I be mad at you?
...I guess I'm just not worth saving, Haruka. I think it's written in the stars; my eternal doom...my downfall...my perpetual spiral to nothingness. But you tried, you tried Haruka. Thank you. Thank you for trying. Thank you for being the one and only real human being I ever met...thank you for prying my eyes open...thank you...
But I couldn't thank her anymore, because suddenly everything was a nice, empty, whiteness.
Nineteen.
The ceiling looked so high. I wanted to touch it, but my arms felt so heavy. The sky. I wanted to see it again. I wanted to turn towards it, to see the beautiful streaks of colours like fingers spreading outwards as if trying to reach some invisible object of desire. But my body would not turn, and the ceiling still looked so high...was the wind rustling? What was that sound?
Was I falling asleep? I wanted to sleep. Sleep would be nice. No more worries. No more expectations. Sleep. Sleep would be bliss. Pure bliss.
Twenty.
That sound again. The wind. Was it the wind? It was the ocean. It was the wind. I could not tell. I did not care. But another sound made my dazed and muddled mind flinch. A scream? A high-pitched siren? I could not tell. I did not care. Something was near me. Something warm. Something alive. Something took something out of my hand.
But I could not tell.
And I did not care.
Sleep would be nice.
No more worries. No more expectations.
Haruka...maybe...maybe we'll talk tomorrow...and you can tell me...
Everything.
I don't know why but I have this uncontrollable will for you to find meaning in your life because you deserve it. Promise me you'll try.
...I'll try...I'll try...
But it's not that...easy.
AN: Does anyone understand what happened? I did a bit of research to see how this whole sleeping pill thing worked and what the side effects would be, and basically any pills you get over the counter are suicide-proof so...I hope you all won't come screaming at me saying I just killed Michiru. Because technically...well, we'll see, won't we? I'll let you all make your own conclusions for now. Talk about weird writer's block...I rewrote this chapter so many times. The first time Haruka was sending paper airplanes into Michiru's bedroom, then the second time she was throwing rocks at her window...and then this time...well, this time, we get this. Hope you guys were somewhat entertained by this chapter and reviews are greatly appreciated!
Oh right! I'm not a crazy music freak so I have no idea whatsoever if there IS a Royal Academy of Music in England. I just made it up on the spot, and if there is or isn't, please bear with me and my lack of knowledge P Heh.