hunter007: Thank you for the extensive and encouraging review. Now, it kinda worries me that you were CHUCKLING in my last chapter! Strange, strange behavior. I'm glad you liked some of the expressions I used and I'm sorry that the chapter made you sad :( Heh, don't worry, I think Chapter 7 will actually be a happy chapter for once.
Haruka-Michiru: Go! Go update your story now! -sniff- I want to read more of it, lol P Okay, okay, I won't pressure you, since you do sound real busy with that 5 days a week job. Eyack! Oooh, did you win the doujinshi? $85? Errrk, that's quite a lot. For me. That oh-so-broke-one sitting here typing this chapter up at the moment. Hurumpth.
Sei-So: Okay, I had to giggle at your review about the whole "Haruka is walking sex" thing. Hmm, really now? How so? I'm not sure you're going to think that way after this chapter...but maybe you will. I'm not sure ;) We'll see how you interpret my strange characterization of Haruka in this chapter. Thanks so much for the review!
j-belle: Oh-ho, aren't you demanding? Heh, well I really don't think I'm a crazy pro H/M writer. I write for the fun of it. I've seen a bunch of excellent H/M writers, just that most of them aren't updating anymore ( And since I should listen to your review, I shall be going to slave away for you now at this fic P
apl85: Well, yes I do put a lot of myself into my fics. When I sit here typing it up, I actually go kinda crazy and if someone watches me write a chapter, they're going to think I'm insane. I actually get all emotional and sometimes I start tearing just to get my inspiration and words flowing. It really helps when you can "feel the parts of the characters". Heh. Thank you for your lovely review!
Fade9wayz: Sadly, I think Michiru's parents are going down the blind road. Well, we'll see in this chapter won't we? And Michiru...in this fic, she's just not use to being able to take freedom as it is so rarely offered to her. But of course, maybe if its offered by our dear ol' Haruka, things might differ, yes? No?
Syaoranfan1: Hehe, thank you for that enthusiastic review! I think I remember you from somewhere...like back when I was writing CCS fics instead of SM.
Alsike: Thank you! Erk, I feel awfully flattered and thank you for being so considerately un-pressuring. Lol, I don't normally read AUs and yet I end up writing them myself. Oi.
Knight-of-the-wolf: Thank you so much for sticking with this fic since Ch.1 ) Yeah, I kind of put my own emotions at stake for this fic. If someone needs to feel bitter in this story, I try to make myself feel bitter so I can write ugly, cruel words. And if someone's feeling depressingly sad, well, I get all worked up too so its kind of scary if you watch me type a chapter. Hm. Anyhoo, thank you again for the support!
viximon: Ohohoh, no happiness in their lives yet! But don't worry, I'm going to try my best to make Ch.7 a -happy- chapter. That is, if I -can- because this fic is quite angsty at the moment...
Fata Morgana: Oh my, thank you so much for that link to that music school! It's simply bang-on, except that I've already called the random school Michiru's going to as the Royal Academy of yadadadada. And sadly, I'm such a lazy arse that I'm too lazy to change it and re-upload everything. But I'm definitely looking into it more and perhaps I'll use the info for further chapters or future fics ;) Thank you so much for the help and info though!
SHiiN: Hehe, -is- Haruka going to say I Love You in this chapter? Well, look at the chapter title. It looks kinda depressing doesn't it? Welpz, thank you so much for the review and I hope Michiru won't be too confusing in this chapter!
Haruka's Knight: Ehehe, that's okay! At least you've taken the time to comment in chapter 5 or else I would never know that you were reading this out there somewhere. You should definitely sleep more. Erk, can't keep your eyes open? That's a definite worry, but I'm kind of feeling heavy-lidded right now because I've been typing up review responses for the past ten minutes. Gah.
KyaniteD: Lol! I'm glad I er...saved and ruined your weekend all at once! I hope I don't do it again ;) I'm glad you're "diving" into my tale and I really appreciate the fact that people out there actually bother to read my stuff. I think I am leaving spaces between the author's notes and the actual story, but I guess my computer is just going wonky on me. Strange...
Disclaimer: I do not own Bishoujo Sailor Moon or any of its characters except for Kazuki/Akira/strange people who I made up randomly on the spot. The original manga rightfully belongs to Takeuchi Naoko.
Windsong
Chapter 6: Stop My Bleeding
by Enchanted Ice Star
"Michiru."
That voice. It was awfully familiar and made me squint against the blinding whiteness. White. White, everything was white. Was this heaven? No, I did not deserve to go there. I would rather be thrown into the pits of hell then be thrown into a place I did not deserve to be in. But still, everything was just blindingly white. A strange perpetual pounding was reverberating in my head uncomfortably.
Wasn't there suppose to be no more pain?
"Michiru..."
Suddenly someone was grabbing at my wrist as if impatient. I stopped short, unaware that I had been even moving in the first place. Where had I been going? Why won't this person let go? Didn't they know they were hurting me?
"You're not suppose to lie about things like this."
I turned around, eyes wide in surprise. "What?"
"You promised me you'd find meaning in life...you promised ."
I promised...I promised...? I promised who? When? What? Why? How? But something in the back of my already pounding head told me that this voice was absolutely correct. I had forgotten something vital, something important. I could not forget something that I held so dearly, but my head simply felt like I was carrying a ton of bricks and I could not think straight. With the added pain of the tight grasp on my wrist, I could only shake my head in futility.
The grasp tightened around my small wrist as a sudden gust of cold chilling air blew past the figure and I, a sweep of cheery blossom petals surrounding us in a swirl of soothing pink. My hair blew around me and into my face as I raised my other free hand to brush away a strand away from my eyes. I looked upwards at the taller figure who was holding me so tightly, almost desperately.
Then we were in a field, the cherry blossom petals falling incessantly from the sky and onto the soft green grass beneath our feet. I felt suddenly calm, my heart rate slowing as I attempted to pull away but failed.
"You also...left me alone again."
Oh, such sadness in their voice! My gaze softened as I twisted my fingers around to take hold of this mysterious figure's hand. I held their long and strong fingers in my own as I shook my head sadly.
"I didn't mean to..."
"Michiru."
"I didn't mean to," I repeated harshly and finally allowed myself to dare look upwards and into the accuser's face...
Only to find a pair of unfamiliar eyes staring down at me, shining a light into my eyes. Distant sounds of rushing feet and the white painted walls around me were alien and confusing. I blinked frantically, looking upwards as if expecting to see those petals falling, the sky blue and clear...but only saw the dull white ceiling of the room I was suddenly in.
"Yes, she's stable."
"Should we call her parents?"
Where did you go...? That voice. That grasp. That warmth. That coldness. Everything.
"Yes, line 2."
"Get Doctor Shizuka."
"I think she's trying to talk."
Why were there so many people? Who were they? What on earth...why was I...I could not think anymore as suddenly a strange sensation swept through me and I immediately rolled onto my side and vomited over the side of the bed, causing a few feet nearby to jump in surprise. Someone was easing me back again, placing me gently back onto the pillow and pushing a glass of water towards my parched lips.
Why could I not see clearly? I could not focus. Why were there so many lights? Why did my stomach ache so badly? Why...why was I still here? What happened to the flowers? The voice? But...but the voice hadn't been happy. They had sounded sad, angered, pained. Did I forget something important? But my head pulsed immediately and I knew I did not want to think about anything at all.
"Mr. Kaioh! Mrs. Kaioh! Your daughter will be fine."
...Father? Mother?
I closed my eyes and attempted to open them once again, only to see blurry figures leaning over to look at me. I could not make out their features, but I could still hear quite clearly the strangled sob of my mother as she fell to the floor in despair.
Mother...?
Why are you so sad?
I wanted to get up, to do something to make her smile again. But then again, her smiles were never sincere, never real. I could never reach her. I was not important enough. I could never rain money on her- the blood of her life. My head pounded. My throat screamed for more water, and my stomach continued to throb with pain. Before I could quite register the voices surrounding me again, I shut my eyes once more.
Just for a little longer.
But then everything was quite peacefully black.
"Do you believe you have nothing to live for?"
Of course I did have some things to live for, but why would I tell an absolutely intimidating stranger like the woman sitting across from me? The constant ticking of her wristwatch was most distracting and I swore that the ticking was in rhythm with my pulsing headache. I was keeping utmost attention at a spot on her forehead, refusing to meet her gaze and refusing to look away either.
"No," I dismissed my conflicting thoughts and decided to go for the blunt answer. I was in no shape or form to come up with anything intellectual to say and 'no's and 'yes's suited my fatigued mind very well. I crossed my legs neatly and subconsciously smoothed out the thin fabric of the sky blue summer dress I was wearing. I didn't remember I had this dress. I wondered where it was from.
"I see," the scratching on the clipboard of the bothersome interrogator made my eyes narrow out of discomfort. The woman in front of me with her sharp square glasses and frizzy brown hair was eyeing me intently again as if I were a china doll instead of human flesh and bones. "Let's be honest here, Michiru."
Your glasses are awfully strange.
"You are an intelligent girl...I am sure you know so many things," she raised an arm out of desperation to think of something. Finally, her eyes brightened and she started rambling on, "Like things about history, music, arts, languages and what two plus two equals," she paused and I did not feel the least bit intelligent after her long list of 'intellectual knowledge'. "So, I am almost certain that you know not to play games with life."
My head pulsed and my throat was still awfully dry. It had always been dry for a while since five days ago. I instantly bit my lip and forced myself to think faster. Think about other things. I concentrated on my summer dress again. Had my mother given me this? Perhaps...or maybe even Ami-chan. I inwardly groaned. I was trying so desperately hard to will my mind elsewhere. Anywhere but in the stuffy psychiatrist's office and the wide eyes peering at me through unfashionable glasses. Yes, think trivial matters.
Silly, unimportant matters so I would not think about anything I did not want to think of.
"No," I repeated listlessly.
I saw an eyebrow twitch and the prodding woman sat back in her forest green armchair as if contemplating over an elaborate answer when I had simply replied the opposite of yes. I could stare at her no longer and shifted my gaze towards the numerous qualification certificates on the wall and pondered over their authentic value. But of course, since my wonderful and dear parents had sent me here to 'fix me up', I guessed this woman must have some sort of experience.
"Miss. Kaioh."
"Michiru."
"Michiru," she leaned over the table towards me and sighed. "I won't beat around the bush then if you're simply going to not cooperate."
I stiffened ever so slightly but met my gaze with her's evenly. Okay, I'd think of this like any other day and masked the frustration ebbing in the depths of my mind. Oh, how I wanted to stand up abruptly from my uncomfortably rickety chair and simply storm out of here. But once again, I concentrated on trivial matters and decided that if I did run out of the office, it would be so utterly inelegant nor ladylike.
"Do you enjoy your life, Michiru?"
If she was going to be so blunt, I might as well say 'no' again. Yet I decided that I had been rude enough and finally placed a hand to my chin as if pondering my answer. I tilted my head and smiled nonchalantly, "Yes."
She sighed again. "You are most difficult."
"Or perhaps there is simply nothing wrong with me," I spoke up quietly.
She stared at me as if she were an owl of sorts. I merely stared back calmly and placed my hands on the desk, one hand over the other and tapped a finger on the wooden surface. "I really don't appreciate this sort of...of questioning," I took a breath and continued, "If my parents think that they can simply pay somebody high sums of money to 'fix me up', as they put it, I would like to politely shake my head and saw that they are being utterly foolish."
I stood up, my gaze never shaking. "I am not a broken doll that needs mending, not that you would know how to mend dolls in the first place, would you?" I bowed ever so slightly and started exiting the room, relief already flooding through me.
As I was turning the knob, her voice called out again causing me to stop abruptly in my tracks.
"Wait!"
I did not bother to turn around to look at her.
"I have one last question."
I merely nodded to indicate that I had heard her.
I listened to the rustling of fabric and paper before she spoke up again.
"Have you found meaning in your life, Michiru? Or are you going to continue as you are now? Pathless, lost, confused, but with so much potential to do something great?"
If I was a woman who swore, I would have sworn because I simply felt intruded upon. What did that woman know? She had simply been prodding at me for the past four days ever since I had been released from the hospital after having my stomach pumped. How could she dare imply that I was...that I was pathless, lost, confused and whatever else she had said?
"Thank you for your concern," I managed and looked briefly over my shoulder, "but I'm fine." I sighed and finally decided to do something a little more humane and gave her a feeble smile. "I think that if I had succeeded in killing myself..." I looked away and towards the hand touching the door knob, "the only thing I would have regretted is not keeping my word for finding meaning in my life." I laughed lightly and turned the knob. "I once promised someone to do so."
With that, I slipped out of the room. Yet before I could shut the door completely behind me, I heard the psychiatrist's brief response.
"Then keep it Michiru. Keep that promise."
I had slipped into the pool immediately after my daily appointment. The cool water embraced me as I simply floated there with my eyes closed, relishing in the sweet moment of utter bliss and peace. But of course, I was alone now. And being alone was no longer a pleasure for me. When I was alone, I would think too much. My thoughts would run to places I wished they would not.
I propelled myself forwards, trying to focus on my pattern of breath and nothing else but that.
Yet it was depressingly difficult.
I had not gone to school ever since...ever since then and I did not even want to think about the pile of assignments accumulating on my desk brought to me everyday by Ami-chan. I stopped swimming and broke the surface of the water with a hollow smile on my face. Of course, Ami-chan simply thought I had come down with the flu. Yes, a very bad flu and I was just a sniffling mess.
I shook my head, droplets of water scattering around me only to land back into the pool. I could not think of this anymore. I could not.
I ran a hand through my damp hair just as that awful headache came back again. I knew I was simply trying much too hard to think of normal things. Everyday things. Common worries of the everyday teenage girl...well, maybe not so typical. Oh yes. I knew what I could think of! England. Yes, England. I wondered what it would be like. I wondered if it was cold, or warm, or rainy, or anything. I wondered if the people there were kind. I wondered if their architecture was really that impressive. And then I wondered, not voluntarily, if I would find some sort of inspiration to life there.
But then I felt a cold pang in my heart.
Of course, that would be impossible.
For I had already found the only thing that would ever inspire me to continue breathing, to inspire me to continue fighting my endless battle of misery and disappointment.
But, I could not accept it.
There it was again, that throbbing pain that was not from my head this time. It was somewhere inside me, all over me, it was consuming me. This pain every time I thought about...about...
"Michiru?"
It was my father.
My father...another pang. My mother...an even greater pang. I turned myself around and saw my father standing by the glass doors that led upstairs. Seeing them only reminded me of my failures. Seeing them told me the reality of everything. My mistakes, my utter stupidity, everything. No, Michiru, think unimportant things. I instantly decided that the tie my father was wearing was the one my mother had given him last Christmas.
"Ami is upstairs with some of your homework," he explained.
I tried to hide the surprise on my face. It wasn't the fact that Ami-chan was here. It was the fact that it was my father of all people who had come to tell me this 'irrelevant' information to his busy life. But then again, my parents had not been the same ever since then. My father seemed over cautious, as if I would do something stupid again. Just yesterday he had come running into the basement pool to see if I had drowned myself or not.
His actions did not help me in feeling any better.
And my mother?
I got out of the pool in a muddled daze. My mother...poor mother. I had frightened her. I had ruined her perfect image of her perfect daughter. I had destroyed her hopes and dreams of me ever being the prized little girl she wished for. I had disappointed her. I had broken her heart. I had done everything horrible to her and I could not help but feel empty because of it. She was now constantly hidden in the master bedroom, probably sobbing over her failure of a daughter. And now, I was merely a burden to her for she could not even bare to look at me anymore.
But of course, I myself could not stand looking at my very reflection.
Those blue eyes told me too much of the reality I was in. My own two eyes told me the emotions I was running from. The hands I saw were the very hands that I had tried to use to end everything. I had been so illogical, so irrational, so utterly stupid...
No, no, don't think Michiru.
I thanked my father for informing me and quickly changed, heading upstairs without bothering to dry my hair. Ami-chan was sitting in one of the many couches in the living room, admiring the paintings on the wall that I had painted.
"Michiru-chan!"
"Hello," I greeted, plastering a smile on my face.
Her eyes instantly widened in disapproval. "You're running around with your hair all wet when you have the flu? If my mother was here, she'd definitely scold you silly you know!"
"I think just her daughter is bad enough," I answered and received a frustrated but amused look from the blue haired girl. I patted myself on the back for my normal performance of being blissfully happy but secretly thanked Ami for providing me with some sort of distraction from my own harmful mind.
"Anyway Michiru," Ami pointed towards the pile of papers on the glass coffee table. "Just another essay and seminar prep for next Tuesday."
I secretly knew that I would not physically be here next Tuesday, but nonetheless gave Ami a thankful smile. "Thank you," I pretended to cough but ended up actually sneezing.
Ami shook her head again. "Really now, how are you going to go see him in the state you're in?"
"I don't know," I answered automatically but paused, confusion written all over my face. "Pardon?"
Ami's eyes were dancing with a mischievous twinkle before she giggled into her hand and nodded her heads towards the front door. "You know, I'm not the only one here to visit!"
Confusion was still running through my mind but somewhere, my sixth sense kicked in and I had a sudden idea of who this mystery visitor was. Instantly I felt that cold slap in the face again when my thoughts started running in the direction I had forced it not to run in for the pass few days. No, no, I had to stop. Unnoticed to myself, I had started shaking and Ami was now looking at me with concern evident in her kind eyes.
"Daijoubu Michiru-chan? You're shaking all over!"
"I'm fine," I answered shakily and quickly composed myself. "This...this person...is..."
"Is very concerned about you," Ami continued for me, now smiling again. "He's a lot sweeter than I thought he would be. From a distance he kind of seems cold and reserved, but oh, he's such a flirt!" Ami was turning slightly pink now and I graced myself with a little bit of amusement by her expression. "I told him that he should come over and visit you himself but he told me he wasn't sure if you'd want to see him!"
I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. I took another breath. Why was it so difficult to even listen about her? And maybe I was just being highly delusional and it wasn't even the person I was thinking about!
"Then I wondered why you wouldn't see him," she flushed again. "Not that I'm implying anything!" Ami hurried on and nervously clasped her hands in front of herself. "He even bought me roses."
"Ah," I raised an eyebrow. "I never knew Ami-chan could be so easily persuaded, by roses to say the least!"
"Oh no! He bought me roses," she paused and went around the couch she had been sitting on previously only to reveal a bouquet of the most beautiful pink roses I had ever seen. "He bought roses," Ami repeated, "for me to give to you."
"Oh."
I could not produce anything else coherent for my mind was already reeling with trauma. Maybe I was being overly cautious and completely irrational. Maybe I did not need to worry as I was worrying now but I could not help it. What was I to do? I stared at the lush pink petals but knew that my instincts had to be correct. They had to be from...from...but then...but then...but then what?
"No wonder he was worried about seeing you directly," Ami mumbled. "You're reaction is as expressive as a dead log in the forest."
"Oh," I said with more emotion and took the bouquet of roses from her, cradling them gently in my arms. I glanced at them, eyes unfocused as the roses almost blended and molded into the shape of entrancing teal eyes and tempting lips...god, I looked away quickly from the taunting roses. What on earth was I thinking? I could not. I could not feel this way. It was absolutely absurd. Absolutely unacceptable!
My mother would simply be even more heartbroken...
I couldn't disappoint them anymore. I couldn't disappoint myself anymore.
...But was this really being right to myself? Was this frantic attempt to forget and think of nothing but her normal? Was it healthy?
No, no, I could not be selfish any longer! I had decided that very moment, when I had wrapped my arms around her one last time, that once I had confirmed all lies and truths...that I would let go. That I would no longer cling to selfish desires of happiness and dreams of freedom because they were utterly unrealistic fantasies. My life wasn't...wasn't suppose to be so wonderful. I had decided that I would simply give in...be that perfect puppet of my parents and nod when I was suppose to and dance when I was suppose to and smile when I was suppose to.
It would be so much easier to just...conform. To give up. To be Kaioh Michiru, the one I was suppose to be.
But not the one I...wanted to be...
"Michiru?"
"Ami-chan..."
"Michiru-chan?"
"Should I go out there? Is...is he really out there?" I was watching her tentatively, bracing my expression, hoping I was not revealing all the inner turmoil I was feeling. Oh, Ami-chan, if only you knew. If only you knew about her, and me, and my stupidity and all my weaknesses...
"Of course he's really out there!" Ami exclaimed. "Do I ever lie?"
"But how," I murmured.
"I think he watches you," Ami lowered her voice for the fun of it. "He knew that I was your closest friend and everything. Strange, don't you think? I've never seen you two talk before..."
I tilted my head, "One more question."
"Yes?"
"Who are we even talking about?" I asked heavily, prepared to once again be slapped in the face by my own doomed fate.
Ami blinked and then laughed, her eyes nearly tearing with mirth. "Oh, who else could it be?"
Of course. Who else could it be?
"Tenou Haruka of course! He offered to drive me here with that motorcycle of his but I declined," Ami continued, but my mind was already elsewhere and my gaze was already towards the window. "A motorcycle! It's so awfully dangerous..."
The bouquet of roses dropped gracefully to my feet, noiselessly and gently as I ran to the front door and pulled them wide open, feeling the afternoon sun on my face and damp aqua hair. I felt Ami's gaze following me out, but my mind was set and I was determined. My heart was tearing, crying, waning, but I felt the firm bitter grasp of fate around my chest and knew that I had made enough mistakes in the past week to suffice for life.
I could not make anymore. I could not make my parents hang their heads in shame anymore.
They did not understand me, but maybe because I was simply too difficult to understand.
I unlatched the gate doors and nearly flung them aside, the steel painted white clanging against the fence and causing a couple birds resting on a nearby tree branch to take flight in sheer fear. I did not have time to take notice though for someone else had captured all the attention possible.
There she was; windswept blonde locks falling into a pair of expressive teal eyes. She was still dressed in the Mugen maroon blazer and plaid pants, never looking so handsome as the sunlight played along the natural highlights of her hair. It seemed like eternity until she turned her gaze on me from their previous focus on the ground, and noticing me for the first time, I saw her visibly stiffen.
Seeing her there before me sent a shiver up and down my small form. It made it so much harder...so much more difficult to turn away and pretend that I was not running away from something. What that something was, I dared not place a finger on. And that twinge in my heart...had I missed her familiar tall form during the past few days? I thought I had done a reasonable job in forgetting about her. But who was I kidding? Forget her? Leave her out of my thoughts?
No. It was impossible
Finally, with one hand in her pocket and another to awkwardly greet me, she said a simple, "Hey."
Oh, how I had missed that voice, longing for its deep rich tones to caress my sensitive hearing. How was I going to turn away now? How was I going to set things right? Why were my feelings running rampant? I knew I probably looked quite out of it, but I could not help it. I could not make anymore mistakes, but my head was reeling and that dark cold grip of loneliness was already spreading in my heart.
Taking a deep breath, I took long strides towards her. I stopped in front of her, taking in that familiar musky scent of cologne and dared myself to meet those teal eyes. Michiru, do not think. Michiru, stay focused. Michiru, do not lose your mind. "Hello," I greeted tentatively.
"Are you feeling better?"
"Yes."
"I'm glad," she answered.
"Thank you."
Silence.
"Did you like the roses?"
"They're lovely."
"Not as lovely as y--"
I silenced her with one finger, my brow furrowing immediately out of sheer agitation as I backed away. I did not understand her behavior. I did not understand at all. Was she still going to play this awful game with me? Was she not going to take me seriously? I stared at her nearly in anger as I held my hands stiffly by my side, unable to comprehend her actions and look of indifference.
"How can you act as if nothing has happened?" I hissed.
Her expression fell and her eyes instantly dimmed as she looked away as if ashamed. Finally, she shifted her weight and turned to capture my gaze once more. This time her eyes held an unreadable expression, a strange hardness to those teal orbs that I was not use to. She took a breath and leaned back into the shade of the small poplar tree planted by the sidewalk. "What has happened, Michiru?"
Don't say my name. Don't say my name. I inwardly crumbled at the mere sound of my name coming from her defined lips, but her question stunned me into disbelief as my eyes widened automatically.
"What has happened?" I repeated lowly. "Everything, Haruka, everything!" I shook again, unable to contain days of anguished torment inside my own feeble body. How many times had Haruka graced my dreams, only to laugh at me, to shove my own stupidity into my face? How many times had I wished everything would magically be okay? But I knew it was awfully silly because nothing had been okay in the beginning! Nothing at all. I never had a sanctuary to go back to, never a home to embrace me, never someone to run to when I needed someone to catch me.
And this one time, when I had strangely opened myself and let this person be my savior...I had been pushed away, lied to, and now I simply felt like a fool. A fool to have believed her. A fool to have even felt anything for her! A fool to have...to have tried to take my own life away. What is happening to me, I wondered despairingly as I traced her strong face with my eyes, wondering if she knew how much I was dieing. Already dead, already gone, withered away.
Haruka's gaze was still set, a strange strength radiating form the depths of them as she stood boldly, tall, unafraid. I wished I could do that.
"I didn't mean for you to find out the way you did."
I scowled despite myself. "And that changes everything." My tone dripped with sarcasm as my eyes narrowed. My arms unconsciously wrapped around my stomach as I remembered that dull aching pain, the delirious images I had seen in my moment of utter comatose.
She sighed, as if impatient. "I don't know what to say..." she admitted ruefully, and finally her gaze wavered and that strength ebbed away to reveal an almost vulnerable Tenou Haruka before me. I was slightly surprised at the compassion I saw in her eyes, but I could not help but feel slightly guarded. What was next? Was she going to reveal that she was actually not human? Something bizarre and out of this world?
"I'm sorry...?" She added as an afterthought, looking awfully confused.
I stiffened and could not help but keep the coldness in my voice. "If you are not going to mean what you say, please do not say anything at all."
She looked slightly appalled, but quickly regained her composure as she crossed her arms over her chest as if in self-defense. "I warned you. I told you that sometimes things aren't what they seem to be."
"Oh? Oh?" I raised one eyebrow, that flare of anger rising in my usually calm self. "Well, thank you then, Miss . Tenou. Thank you for that most obvious clue! Of course I should have picked it up! Oh, but wait," I paused dramatically. "I didn't. So now what should we decide on, Miss. Tenou? That I am simply too stupid for my own good or that your messages are much too cryptic?"
She seemed suddenly arrogant, satisfied as she leaned forward ever so slightly, a small smirk on her features. I wanted to rub it off her face, tell her to not look at me like that, but I could not. Even then, she looked so different, so handsome with a unique aura around her. How could she hold such air around herself so guiltlessly? Did she not care how much I was hurting? Did she not care about my inner turmoil?
"Can I pick the first option?" Her voice sounded impossibly playful. "You know, the one with 'you're too stupid for your own good' kind of thing?"
I knew I was turning pink out of annoyance, my fists clenched as I continued to watch her aloof behavior in disbelief. Was she trying to spite me? Then why did she even bother coming to see me? Why did she even bother bugging Ami to bring me roses? If only...if only to make me angry? I felt a wave of sadness along with the spite I suddenly felt and my fists started trembling.
"Tenou Haruka! How dare you!"
"I'm a daring guy," she coughed uncomfortably and shrugged. "I mean girl, if you prefer it that way."
I managed to keep my temper in check as I closed my eyes and took three deep breaths. My eyelids fluttered open again as I let my gaze fall unguarded, willing her to see the pain I was feeling, the hurt I was enduring, the things I did not want to do anymore, the things I could not believe in anymore. I let my fingers relax, unraveling from their tight grasp and realized I was bleeding from the areas my nails had dug into my palm in crescent like shapes. I watched her teal eyes wander down to my hands and instantly widen in surprise.
"You're bleeding!" She exclaimed.
She made a move to step forward but I backed away, never letting my gaze leave her.
"What are you playing at, Tenou Haruka?" I wanted so badly for my voice to keep steady. I could not look weak now. Not when I wanted some answers, not when I wanted to finish things. "Do you take pleasure in making a silly, naive girl fall heels over head for you only to slap them coldly back in the face by the harsh reality that you were only playing games? Are you really that cruel?" My voice shook. I kicked myself mentally. "So I bleed," I raised one hand and watched as a trickle of blood ran down my palm and slivered down my wrist.
"But I bleed more where you hurt me."
Suddenly, her whole demeanor changed and her eyes fell and her shoulders sagged. She looked defeated, and I felt slightly pained that I had caused her such a change in deposition, but my anger was not fading and my emotions filled with throbbing betrayal was not ebbing. I could only watch her, looking externally calm as my insides wrenched and churned.
"I didn't mean to Michiru," she answered, her voice so soft now. So different then that almost arrogant tone she had used only moments ago. She looked away. "Does it feel any better?"
"...What?" I let my raised arm drop to my side, dismissing the stinging pain of my palms.
"Does it feel any better," she repeated, giving me an almost stubborn stare. "It does, doesn't it? To feel angry at me...rather then to feel sad, hurt, or betrayed?" She smirked, but this time, it was bitter and her eyes held a distant look in them. "I'm no god or supernatural force. I can't wash the pain away or make it magically disappear. The pain that I have given you...but if I can make you forget it, I would do it. To see you angry at me...it is better, is it not? In a way, am I washing away the sadness? Am I?" Her tone was suddenly harsh, filled with some inner anger I had never seen in her usually mysterious demeanor.
I felt myself shrinking back, as if afraid, but I did not understand why.
She punched the tree trunk, the branches shaking and the leaves raining down upon us. "Be angry Michiru, be angry," she nearly demanded and cursed under her breath. "That way it won't hurt as much."
I found myself losing it. I tried desperately to cling onto those last strands of sanity, those last strands of my redemption, but I found them weaving away from my grasp as I fell again. Mistakes. Mistakes I could not correct. Things I could not rewind time to undo. The disappointment I had bestowed my parents with. They would never go away. And the pain Haruka had given me? Would it ever go away?
I found myself shaking my head fervently. "How can you say that? How can you?" My voice was so soft, so unsteady that I wanted to stop talking and yet I could not. "You expect me to cover the disbelief you have given me by some other emotion? Anger?"
"Then pick another emotion," Haruka replied swiftly, her gaze hard. "What do you want Michiru? Do you want me to frustrate you now? I can call you silly names, poke fun at your hair. I agree," she ran a hand through her hair. "Anger doesn't suit you."
I felt my feet taking me towards her as I stopped abruptly in front of her form and stood myself at my tallest height. I stared at her, my eyes running with fury as I pounded my small fists against her chest, the release of tears in my eyes so foreign and alien as I threw my hands feebly at her.
"Stop it, Haruka. Stop it!" I choked on my own tears and paused to catch a shaky breath. "You can't play with my emotions like this. What are you trying to do, Haruka? What are you trying to do?" I dared to catch her gaze and noticed she looked uncharacteristically frightened by my sudden overpowering stance. I shook my head once more. "Are you trying to run away? Are you trying to run away from the person you have broken?"
She stiffened and I knew I had hit a button somewhere.
"Are-" I hit her shoulder again and with each word I spoke. "You-not-going-to-take-responsibility-over-your-horrible-actions!" I panted and found myself much too weak to pound at her anymore. She looked the least bit unaffected, but strangely I felt oddly enlightened by the sudden release of force. I took another shaky breath and stumbled back a few steps, only to find her reach out and steady me with her own two hands.
"Odd," she murmured, gazing at me gently. "I came here to make you feel better," I scoffed but she continued, "but I did not expect you to read me so clearly." She took her hands away as she chuckled bitterly. "Yes. I like to run. I like to leave things behind when things get too messy. That's what I'm good at," she smirked coldly. "Call me irresponsible. Call me a jerk. I don't care, because that's the way I am. You're an excellent violinist, but I'm a good runner. Well," she paused sheepishly, "I think I'm a pretty good punching bag too." She pretended to rub her shoulder as if I had inflicted any pain.
My shoulders sagged at her words. I did not understand, but I suddenly sensed such loneliness from the woman standing before me. She was everything powerful, strong, well-built and talented. But something suddenly came into realization inside of me. She was everything on the outside...and so empty on the inside. I gasped gently under my breath, feeling a renewed wave of longing as I yearned out to this being that was so much like me.
Alone. Lost. Pathless.
"You do feel better, right?" She asked tentatively. "Letting out all that force...geeze, you have quite a punch--"
"Gomen."
She fell silent.
"I'm sorry," I repeated and glanced away shamefully. "Everything isn't your fault. I shouldn't blame you for everything-"
"Stop," she cut in, her eyes hard again. "Just stop," she shut her eyes briefly before looking at me again. "If you're going to feel all sad again, I'm going to have to make you angry again to release all that pent up emotion you have inside," she laughed, though it sounded rather forced. "You really shouldn't hide everything inside."
"Look who's talking," I shot back, but I could not help the tug of a small smile on my lips.
She shrugged, trying to look innocent but was failing miserably. "Okay, right, so I completely lied," she could not meet my gaze now. "But I really didn't mean to--"
"Look at me please," I whispered.
She did so.
"Now speak," I prompted.
Her eyes widened slightly as she bit her lip most uncomfortably. "Are you trying to make this even more difficult for me?"
"Yes," I tilted my head, slightly amused. "You deserve all the discomfort in the world for upsetting me so much."
She growled, "I hate confessing things you know, and you're being unnecessarily cruel."
"I know."
"You do?"
"Stop trying to buy time," I could not keep the amusement out of my tone as my eyes shone with suppressed mirth. "Well? You were saying?"
She sighed. "Okay, okay," she crossed her arms again. "I really...I really didn't mean to...I really didn't mean to lie to you," she looked away briefly before locking her gaze with me, her gaze not hard anymore, not strong nor confident- merely confused. I felt my heart soften drastically as the embracing side of me swept over. "I was just so scared to tell you..." she took a deep breath. "You were so different. So mysterious...the first time I saw you, you were my savior, my guardian angel...you found me and saved me. I could have died...and then the next day, I saw you again, and the way you walked, the air around you, the way you made people turn their heads...I could not help but do so too."
She chuckled uncomfortably. "You were just so different, Kaioh Michiru. So captivating...I did not know how to approach you...and when you did not edge away from me...I felt relieved. So thankful...I did not want to break the spell with the truth...I only wanted a few moments with you," she sighed and finally looked away. "But those moments...turned into something else. I found myself in places you were in, found myself watching you, found myself wondering about you. It was strange...and I was confused. Hell, I still am. But I didn't want to say anything. I think I just wanted to dream a little bit longer."
Somehow, I did not want to forgive her for lying so horribly to me. And yet, I could not help but feel the overwhelming sense of understanding towards the young woman before me. I understood everything she was saying to me. I understood her conflicts, her worries, her desires- for they merely mirrored my very own. I felt myself even more drawn, but that little pestering voice in the back of mind screamed.
I couldn't. I couldn't give in.
I had to...I had to give up. I had to give up my endless fight for freedom, for life, for myself. My mother...my father...
No one would understand.
I felt a sudden wave of tenderness towards the blonde, and I couldn't help it. I just couldn't. Never had I been so uncontrolled with my own feelings and emotions, but I did not understand them. I didn't want to understand them. I was frightened out of my own skin. The way her gaze made my heart flutter, the way her voice made my cheeks flush. I did not want to accept it.
"What's with the...the," I waved a hand towards her awkwardly, unsure of how to string my words together.
Haruka looked sheepish for a moment before scratching the back of her head. "The guy's uniform? It's just...so much more comfortable compared to the girl's uniform. Look at the silly heavy skirts you guys have to wear and those tight ass blouses."
"Language!" I scolded and Haruka simply looked flustered. But I pondered over her answer and strangely I seemed to understand. And yet...that tone in her voice. It sounded so...so close, so very warm and welcoming and it made me wonder...it made me wonder...
But I was much too frightened to ask. Instead, I found myself asking, "And you were trying to anger me because..."
"Uh," once again Haruka looked awfully sheepish and ended up blinking rather widely back at me. I thought it looked quite adorable, but decided that I was trying to soothe my worries here, not treat my eyes to some sort of a dessert. "Well, I rather you be angry than sad at me--"
"Shh," I was so close to her now. What are you doing Michiru? What happened to going back to conformity? What ever happened to mending your parents' broken hopes of you? What ever happened to returning to your usual, daily, boring and absolutely bland life? I suddenly wanted to look away but Haruka seemed to sense my sudden desire to run and gently grabbed my chin.
I jumped out of surprise at the sudden contact, but her touch was so gentle and calming that my desire to run away vanished as she raised tilted my chin towards her.
She smiled calmly. "So am I forgiven?"
"I don't know," I answered just as placidly.
"Fine," she replied with a hint of laughter in her eyes. "Then are you going to grace me with your presence on Friday?"
"Friday?"
"I have a race...at Suzuka Circuit...7:00PM, remember?" She grinned wonderfully and continued, "If you come, then I'll take it that you've forgiven me, alright?"
I instantly heard warning bells ringing in my head, alerting me of a sudden conflict again. I pulled away, thinking rapidly and suddenly remembered that Friday...this coming Friday...two days from now...Friday...I was going...I was going to...
"Michiru!"
I spun around on my heels and instantly wished I hadn't. There stood father, his tall silhouette standing by the open gates. He seemed to look at me in confusion until his gaze went by me and towards Haruka. I instantly panicked inside, but strangely I stood stalk still beside the tall blonde, but I could feel her tense along with me. My father's eyes went from confused to utter fury as he stormed over towards us.
I instinctively went forward. "Father..."
He took my hand and nearly pulled me away and behind him, his gaze never leaving that of Haruka's who was trying to match my father's intense gaze with her own. I swallowed thickly and watched the whole ordeal happen as if in slow motion. No, no, not when I was just starting to throw things away, just when I was daring myself to fly again. I was being pulled back again. That chain would forever bind me here.
I would never be able to fly like the wind...
Or roll in waves like the sea...
Haruka...
"Get away from my daughter," my father's voice was so stern, so hard. "Immediately."
Haruka seemed to be observing my father, deciding whether she was going to challenge him or not. I silently prayed that she would not, and that she would just turn around and leave. I caught her gaze, trying to convey my unsaid words to her as she nodded ever so slightly towards me. The tension in the air broke when Haruka smiled, that beautiful smile, and waved.
"See you," she said lightly and turned to go on her way as if she had some secret inspiration within herself.
But of course, I knew she thought I would be there. That I would be there to watch her race. That I would go and everything would be forgiven. She would never know the truth though, for father was already pulling me back towards the mansion, his grip tight and his face set tightly on his stern features. I did not get to tell Haruka. I did not get to tell her everything.
That I would no longer be here. That I was going away, across the world from her.
But that was the least of my deepest turmoil.
I did not get to tell her...things that should never be left unsaid.
And as we entered the cold interior of my so-called home, my father could only stare at me sadly and shake his head. He placed a hand on my shoulder, trying to comfort me as he spoke in a kind voice, "Michiru, princess, you don't have to worry about Tenou anymore. You're going to have a bright future and England will pave a new road in life for you." He beamed at me, though I could see that a strange sort of veil was over his eyes. I knew he was hiding the feelings of disappointment I had created days ago. I knew they would forever be weary with me, unsure if I would ever be able to live up to their standards. "I believe in you. You'll do wonderfully at the academy. We can just think of Tenou Haruka as a minor...glitch in life. Nothing more." He gave one last squeeze. "I'll be in the den room if you need me."
Yes, father seemed to care. Yes, he really did seem to genuinely care. But as I placed one hand over the area where his larger palms had been, I felt the sticky substance of blood and realized I was staining my own shirt with the small cuts I had inflicted on myself.
But then again, father, if you love me so...why can you not see that I am bleeding?
...Inside and out.
AN: Oh goodness. I hated this chapter with a passion because I had no time this week to just sit down and write in a two hour session or something of that sort. I had to break up my writing periods into half hour sittings and I ended up having a really ugly, non-flowing chapter that simply irked the heck out of me! You don't know how many times I've changed this chapter. I'm sitting here, and I'm not 100 satisfied, but this will have to do. Michiru and Haruka have not confessed yet, but both are quite unsure about their feelings. Of course, Michiru is still rather conflicted whether she should accept them or not, since if she does...well, let's just say she'll be in an even bigger mess with her parents than before. I hope you guys understood Haruka's brief 'jerk-ish' behavior. In a way I saw that Haruka might deal with such situations like that because I don't see her as a big apologizer or someone who gets on her knees to beg for forgiveness. I hope you guys likes this chapter and I have simply adored all your reviews. I hope you all know that I take your comments to heart and they really keep me going ;)