Chapter Four: Ducky

Early June 20th
The Subliminal World of Ducky Crashes

It's really weird. One thing changes everything. Like that time Sunny kissed you, it seemed to change you whole relationship. But things worked out. Maybe this will work out too. Let's hope so.

Back up, McCrae. Start over.

You drive Dawn to the airport and pick up her friends. Another bunch of thirteen and fourteen year olds, all of whom were just as cool as Dawn and our friends here. They gabbed, you gabbed, the gossip about people you didn't know, and you comment on it anyway.

"He's not like most guys, is he?" You hear Claudia mutter to Dawn. Dawn just smiles.

We had a lot of fun, and you help them take their bags into Dawn's house, and we go to the Vanish rehearsal. The Vanish rehearsal to end all Vanish rehearsals. Okay, so you've only been to like three of them. This wasn't normal.

So it was normal. Except for one thing.

You're eating pizza, joking with Amalia, Dawn, and Stacey, when everything goes quiet.

Justin looks around and says, "Guys, I have an announcement to make."

"Don't say you're leaving the band!" Amalia shouts. Everyone laughs.

Justin says, "No. I want to tell my friends and friends of friends that I'm bisexual."

Everyone goes silent and everyone starts talking, and it turns out Justin's girlfriend dumped him over it, and everything's cool, but you're feeling unsettled.

When Justin made his announcement, he was looking directly at you.

The Rico started cracking jokes, and everything went back to the way it was, but now you're still feeling weird about it.

What does it mean? Does... does...

You can't even write it. Not even in your private journal that no one is going to see. It's too weird. It's too weird to think that Justin Randall, the most popular guy at Vista likes... you.

You're seeing things. You're reading too much into it. That's what you do. You over analyze everything. He was just looking at you.

But he wasn't. He wasn't simply looking at you. You could tell. You know that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach when a girl you like is around you? Well, you don't. But you'd heard people talk about it, and when Justin looked at you, you got that.

Not that you like Justin. Because that's obviously not the case.

But... have you liked anyone? Like girls?

This is all too weird to think about.

Good night.

1:23

PM that is. You're sitting at a bench in Disneyland. Everyone else is in line for Space Mountain, but you actually needed a break.

Who brings their personal journal to DISNEYLAND?

You don't know, but it somehow made its way into your inside jacket pocket.

Dawn calls you at eight this morning.

Dawn: Good Morning, Ducky!
Ducky: Hrumphmumphpump?
Dn: What?
Dky: Merrr?
Dn: Are you still in bed?
Dky: Yahhh... yeah.
Dn: My friends are awake and they're jet-lagged.
Dky, starting to become coherent: I was up past midnight.
Dn: Nevermind, then. I can get Dad to take us to Disneyland. I just thought it would be fun if you came with us. We called Sunny, but she's got some beach date, Maggie and Amalia have work, and Sunny told me that you don't have work today.
Dky: Disneyland?
Dn: Yeah. We'd pay for your gas.

Well, a free drive to Disneyland. How could you pass it up?

So you get out of bed, crawl into the shower, and go to Dawn's. You pick up her peppy friends that you are very quickly becoming to love, gab and chat the whole way there, go in and hang around.

The last time you were at Disneyland, you went with your parents and brother to recapture some sort of family youth. This trip is twenty times more fun, because you're there to create new memories, not just try to recreate the old ones.

Everyone except Mary Anne wants to go on the roller coasters right away. You convince them to start out slow, and we ride a few ride-y rides, then Dawn insists we ride the Haunted Mansion, but Mary Anne sits it out, and you join her so she doesn't have to sit alone.

Mary Anne: Where did you meet Dawn?Ducky: She didn't tell you?
MA: Nope.
D: We met at a party. Well, leaving a party. A bad party.
MA: Oh.
D: Sunny was drunk and they were lost, and-
MA: What?
D: I think I said too much.
MA: We were sort of worried, well, I was sort of worried that Dawn had changed since she moved here.
D: She has, and she was really worried about what you guys would think.
MA: You're a good friend, Ducky.
D: I guess.
MA: No, you are. I know that Dawn and Sunny and everyone really looks up to you and respects you.
D: I can't figure out why.

The conversation ends there as everyone comes out from the Haunted Mansion. Somehow, Kristy convinces Mary Anne onto Space Mountain and this is now.

And now you're sitting here by yourself, because you convinced them that Space Mountain makes you sick, when it doesn't really, but you prefer Thunder Mountain Railroad and you needed a moment to yourself.

On sleeping, you realize that you're crazy and that Justin Randall was looking at you because you were the only guy that he didn't have to turn to look at and wanted to see what other guys thought. But then again, when have you been like other guys?

Justin could say it: Bisexual. He announced it to his friends, and people he didn't even know. It means he likes guys and girls the same, right? What about you? Have you even thought about girls? You're friends with girls, your best friend is a girl after your other best friends became Cro-Mags and tried to commit suicide and moved to Chicago respectively. (Which Alex's suicide attempt bothers you more, even now, than you'd like to admit)

But what about you? Bisexual? Is that you? Could you call you that? Would that make it better?

Better than what? Better than... gay? Better than... "I don't like boys or girls, but when guys look at me, no matter the context I get a weird feeling in my stomach"? Does that have a compact word?

It's all too complicated. Why can't you just like who you like and not put big labels on things? Because that's not how this life, namely high school, works. Everything needs a label. You're that lame guy who hangs out with the 8th graders (well, freshmen now) and doesn't have any friends your own age. Unless.