June 20th
I hate to be a drag, but I hope that the rest of this vacation isn't this active. All right, I wanted to go to Hollywood and shop in the Kodak Plaza and look for movie stars, but everyone else wanted to go to Disneyland. Disneyland was fun, though.
Which, speaking of movie stars, Dawn said that Maggie's boyfriend is Tyler Kendall. TYLER KENDALL! How could Dawn be so calm about one of her best friends dating one of the biggest movie stars in America? I have a Tyler Kendall poster up in my room, (about the only thing I have in this house - have I mentioned that I can't wait until the barn is remodeled?) and he's on the cover of about every magazine there is.
I asked Dawn if she knew any other movie stars, but she said that she really doesn't know Tyler let alone anyone else. He's not around a lot, and when he is, he mostly hangs out with Maggie. She said they go out with Amalia and Brendan (Amalia's boyfriend) a lot.
Anyway, Disneyland. I hung out with Ducky a lot of the time, because when I didn't want to go on a ride, he would always sit with me. He's SO sweet, but really down on himself. He doesn't like to talk about himself, and would much rather hear about how you're doing and how you're feeling than about how things are with him. No wonder Dawn loves him.
This evening, we went over to Maggie's (where Tyler Kendall was not) and she had pretty much any movie you could think of on dvd, the largest TV I'd ever seen in my life, and huge over-stuffed couches and comfy floor bean bags.
I was in awe, I think everyone else was too, but Maggie seemed bored. We ate wonderful catered food, and Maggie seemed annoyed.
"Is everything okay?" I asked her.
She smiled. "I just hate this. I can practically hear my dad giving Pilar orders to make sure we're fed, because we can't do anything ourselves. You'd think things would be better, but with my mom at the clinic, he's become even more controlling over Zeke and me."
I didn't know anything about clinics, Dawn hadn't mentioned that, but I had the feeling it wasn't great. I smiled anyway. "He's probably thinking he's protecting you."
Maggie sighed. "I know, but it's hard to appreciate when he's always lording over me, which he's been doing for years. Maybe you guys coming here wasn't a great idea. To my house, I mean, not California, because it's great to see you."
"Your house is great. My house burned down."
"Wow, oh my God, I'm sorry."
I sort of felt stupid for bringing it up, but Maggie was totally concerned. "It's all right. No one was hurt, and that's what matters, right?"
I tried to smile, but I felt those horrible tears coming up. "Thanks." I walked away, hoping I wasn't being rude. I found my way into a bathroom (which took forever, because I sort of got lost, which I would only admit to my journal) and sat down on the edge of the bathtub, that I think was really a Jacuzzi, and started to cry.
I really didn't feel bad about the house. I mean, I did, I lost all of my belongings, but that really wasn't bothering me. I just felt dumb. I'm in the coolest house in the world, and I just go and say the first thing that pops into my head. Which of course is horribly depressing, and it's not like Maggie doesn't seem to be depressed enough.
I wiped away my tears, tried to fix my makeup the best I could, and started to walk out the door when I ran right into Sunny, who also looked a little misty-eyed.
"Are you okay?" I asked.
She put on a huge smile, like the one from yesterday when we saw her getting out of that guy's car. "I'm great. Super party in there, right? Maggie knows how to put it on."
"Sunny," I said as gently as possible.
She gave me this friendly sort of glare. "I'm fine, Mary Anne. You can't solve all my problems." She winked. "So, how are things going with that boyfriend of yours? What was his name?"
"Logan," I said, knowing my voice was weird. "We, uh, broke up. He was sort of smothering me. So we broke up."
"Shit," Sunny said, smiling. "I know how it goes. I go out with one guy and he expects me to stay with him forever like we're going steady or something, but he can date other girls? I'm not dealing with that. Neither should you. Oh my God, Mary Anne, we need to hook you up this summer. I've met so many cool guys, tons of sophomores and juniors, well, juniors and seniors now, right? But we're freshman, we can take it."
"Sunny-"
"There are going to be parties all summer long, and you are going to be elbow deep in high school hotties, and the second that you get back to Stoneybrook, you'll know how to work a party and get any guy you want. I'm going to run you through Sunny's school of high school dating."
"Sunny-" I tried again.
"Mary Anne, you're going to be the hottest property of Palo City." Sunny laughed. "This is going to be so much fun, isn't it?"
I paused. "Okay."
Why I said okay, I don't know. Maybe I felt bad for Sunny. That had to be it, because there is no way that I do that sort of thing. I just always cave in. I hate that too.
Why do I always do these things?
June 21st 12:04
I had to stop writing because Dawn came in and we started talking. I moved out to the living room to keep writing because I wasn't tired. Not after what happened. I'd be surprised if Dawn is asleep.
"I saw you hanging out with Sunny at the party," Dawn said to me as she changed into her nightgown (an oversized t-shirt).
"Yeah," I replied.
"She's a lot to handle, huh?"
"She has a lot to say, and she says it all at once," I admitted. I didn't feel like telling Dawn that her best friend was annoying me all night and pressured me into going to a bunch of parties full of strangers all summer long.
"Was she annoying you all night and pressuring you to go to a bunch of parties full of strangers all summer?" Dawn asked.
Okay, she didn't really say that, but she did ask, "Was she bothering you? It kind of seemed like she was bothering you."
"Dawn," I said, all of a sudden, "why didn't you tell me you met Ducky coming from a party where Sunny got drunk, and apparently you were walking in the middle of nowhere?"
Dawn looked stunned. I felt pretty stunned. I don't blurt things out like that.
"Um, how did you find out?"
"Ducky told me. He didn't realize that my step-sister hadn't told me this before." I was feeling edgy from dealing with Sunny all night, and writing it hadn't helped, and I had the feeling that Dawn was leaving out a lot more than anything she had told me, or the things that Ducky had said at Disneyland. I don't use the phrase "step-sister" a lot when I refer to Dawn.
"I guess I should have told you, but I didn't know how you would react. Things are a lot different here than they are in Stoneybrook," Dawn said.
"So that's why Sunny's getting drunk and dating juniors and seniors? Because things are different? Are you drinking?" I wasn't really mad, just worried.
"No! But it's not something... it doesn't really bother me. Not like I knew it would you. Don't you see, Mary Anne? It's a lot different than before. Everyone acts different, things have changed."
"And that's an excuse to leave me out of your life?"
"I wasn't trying to leave you out of my life, I just... I didn't want you thinking less of me. Like I was changing in a bad way."
"So you lied to me to make yourself look good?"
"No! Well, sort of." Dawn was looking pained, but I wasn't feeling sorry for her.
"Why did you even ask us to come out here if you were so ashamed of your life?"
"I'm not ashamed!"
"It sure sounds like it." I grabbed my journal and I stormed into the living room. I still wasn't mad, but I was really defensive, and Dawn was defensive, and I hated that feeling. And I've been hating a lot of things lately.
And I started thinking about Sunny's offer. I didn't really want to meet guys, Logan and I have only been broken up since the end of the school year, but Sunny was confident. I don't know how much of that was a front, you know, covering up pain, but she had a spark about her, something that attracted people to her. I couldn't really put my finger on it, but if she could teach it to me.
Maybe then I wouldn't be hating things so much.