Toshida Gaiden Chapter 7: Finding the Heart of A Child

Toshida sits curled up in the dugout he has created for their break under neath the shadow of a collapsed tree in a ditch dug roughly a meter into the ground. His heavy coat and scarf lay on top of him as his extra blankets from his supply bag guard his body from the cold earth beneath him. Kakashi sits across the outcropping the two have created on the other side of the small fire the two have created to keep them warm. Kakashi sits with his single uncovered eye staring at Toshida as he awaits the tale in which Toshida has promised.

"All right then Kakashi, I will tell you another bed time story then." Toshida says as he adjusts his coat and lays down in his dugout.

"Shut up and talk" Kakashi says sternly as he puts out the fire in front of him as to not attract any guards or patrols to their position, as they are still far behind enemy lines.

"All right relax. Geez you have no sense of humor. I suppose I will start with what I can remember . . ."

The scene changes to the village of sin when Toshida was only two years old. His father Kunashiro sits across the table from him as Toshida sits quietly and unusually focused for a child of his age. No expression on the young boy's face as he stares straight ahead, his back straightened against the back of his chair and his arms hanging in close to his body running parallel to his spine. The child's posture is perfect and his manners as equally impressive, reminiscent of a soldier more then 10 times his age.

His father begins eating away at the evenings meal of fish and mushrooms gathered from the bowels of the village of sins massive cave system. Kunashiro continues eating his food as Toshida's food sits in front of him, getting colder the longer that it sits in front of him. Toshida does not look at the food and does not flinch even as the loud grumbling of his stomach becomes deafening to his ears.

"You may eat Toshida." Kunashiro's words act as the password to Toshida's stomach and Toshida immediately devours the entire plate in front if him in a matter of minutes. Never once showing any reckless restraint in his eating habits as he maintains all proper etiquette that a civilized person would show when eating. "I see that you have developed quite the hunger Toshida. You will always remember that unless I tell or order you to do something, no matter what it is. You will do nothing. Is that understood?"

The young child nods as he wipes the last morsels of food from around his mouth. Kunashiro then stands up and begins cleaning the dishes from the meal as Toshida follows suit. As he walks, it becomes evident that he coordination is far more advanced than any child his age. He walks straight without stuttering or stopping and his posture while walking even resembles that of a soldier.

After the two have cleaned up from their dinner Kunashiro kneels before his son as he has some last words to tell his child before retiring for the night. "Toshida, I stand corrected. You will also listen to what your mother tells you. Never dispute her words and listen to what she tells you as well. Is that understood?"

Toshida nods once again as Kunashiro returns the gesture and the two retire for the night, Kunashiro to his bed where his wife Yuna lies beside him, and Toshida to his bedroom which lies in a separate room several meters away from his parents room.

My father had a method to all his words and actions. My posture was set to be perfect as to show respect to my superiors as well as keeping me ready at all times. My needing permission even to eat was to establish a hierarchy between me and my father as well as having me learn at an early age the importance of following orders and not acting on my own. Having my room separate and a distance away from my parent's bedroom, was implemented to make me more independent, and capable of surviving on my own. A small step of coarse but merely a beginning to what would become a life's worth of training. All of his methods were designed to have me seasoned into the perfect soldier, the perfect weapon.

Over the years while other kids my age would be just learning how to walk and learn how to read, I was learning how to throw a shuriken or how to attack with a kunai. And When other kids were learning nursery rhymes or playing outside in parks with the other kids, I was learning about anatomy and where the fatal spots were on a human body.

My training was rigorous and never ending. Most children, even those brought up in clans with a strong shinobi heritage, have training that leaves time for them to develop as people, whether allowing them to play with other children or teaching them simple things such as history or geography. My father believed that a weapon had no need for such futile things. When I was not physically training with him, then my time was spent studying anatomy or shuriken tactics, or reading about and practicing sword techniques. There was no time for a child's mind to develop. I was a machine . . . my fathers own personal pet in which he took every opportunity to take advantage of. By the time I was four years old, I had all the training that an academy student twice my age would have.

There was never any objection from other members of the colony. Not from my grandfather Keinea, or my godfather Shobu. No one had anything to object against my father . . . most likely because Kunashiro was feared throughout the colony even after he was accepted as an official resident by the people. My father's actions since I was born had become increasingly erratic. He was more irritable and seemingly sinister, the thoughts of his revenge had simply consumed his entire being, and his sanity some would say would soon be the next thing to start to decline. No one dared to oppose him though because of his instability. That is until one night I was woken up by the sounds of my father and mother locked in a heated argument . . .

"He is just a boy! There is no reason he should have to be put through all of this." Yuna's voice awakens Toshida from his slumber as her voice echoes through the small series of caves dedicated to the Akira family.

"He is a very special boy, and he is my son and I will raise him as I see fit." Kunashiro fires back with a voice much more calm then Yuna's. However, his voice contains a more sinister edge to it. His voice is hiding something . . . he does not wish Yuna to know what he has done to their son.

"Our son Kunashiro . . . Toshida is OUR SON!" Yuna screams in anger as her voice begins to crack and her sobs become enough to cause Toshida to investigate. He makes his way out of his room and down the hall to just outside his parent's bedroom where the argument is taking place. "He should have all the opportunities that any child his age should have, and you are stealing those opportunities from him!"

"What opportunities' Yuna? We are in a fucking prison colony for god sakes what the hell kind of opportunities do you think a child of his age has!" Kunashiro's voice towers of Yuna's as the argument continues to heat up. However Yuna does not back down from her husband and stands her ground showing no fear.

"I was his age once . . . and I lived in this place as well and I have turned out just fine. My father and I made due with what we had and managed to improvise to help me turn into a healthy young adult. But what you are doing, is turning our son into a pet . . . NO! You are turning him into a weapon to accomplish YOUR own goals . . . and without taking into consideration as to whether or not that is what Toshida wants!"

"He has shown no objection or a desire to do anything else so why are you making this an issue."

"There are no other children his age living in the colony at this point and you have been training him like a dog since he was old enough to understand what you were saying . . . how is he supposed to even know what else he could be doing?"

Kunashiro takes a deep breath as he tries to remain calm during the argument as he is at a loss for words and cannot figure out what to offer in retort to his wife's argument. "Yuna . . . I swore . . . that I would not rest until I had my revenge on the ones that did this to me." Kunashiro raises his left arm brandishing the metal cap still fixed on the end of his severed hand and forearm. "I am unable to do it by myself . . . and our son may be the key to helping me accomplish my goal. And if he can help me with that . . . then he can also help us and everyone in this colony to escape from this place."

Toshida sneaks his head around the corner to get a look at the two as they continue their argument. He can see Kunashiro with his back to Yuna as she tries desperately to get the stern shinobi to understand her point of view.

"Why would we need to escape from here Kunashiro?" Yuna asks, her voice starting to choke as tears begin rolling down her cheeks. "The storms in this place are gone now . . . in the last few years, grass, plants and flowers have started to grow. We may not need to leave this place. The other colonists are talking about starting our own REAL colony here. With agriculture and farming . . . starting families in a more hospitable atmosphere. Either way Kunashiro . . . the people here . . . don't want to leave. This is our home and we are content to stay here and make it the best possible home for all of us."

Yuna's words enrage Kunashiro as the thoughts of him being forced to remain in the village of sin, and the possibility of never tasting the revenge he has sought after for the last four years send him over the edge. He reals his right arm forward almost parallel with his left shoulder and swings it in anger striking Yuna across the face with a heavy backhanded blow. The blow shocks Yuna as she is sent to the ground holding her cheek, a bruise already starting to take form as the discoloring of her skin begins. Tears roll down her face as she looks up to her angered husband still towering over her in a rage seemingly ready to strike again.

At that moment, my eyes made eye contact with mothers'. She looked over from the ground she had been knocked down to and looked deep into my eyes. At that point in my life . . . I had never seen fear and that fear . . . frightened me in return. My mother did not dare to speak out against my father at this point. But when my father closed his eyes to remove the hair from his face, she mouthed the words . . .

"Help me." Yuna mouths the words to her son in the hopes that he will run to his grandfathers room and bring him to help. Or to grab one of the other villagers to come to her aid. However, Toshida's face changes from its shocked expression to its cold and stoic glare as he races into the room.

Then I did the only thing I could think of to do at that point. I used what my father had taught me . . . and I defended my mother.

"Zaigou Senpuu! (Sinful Whirlwind) Toshida screams, as he leaps into the air and using the first technique his father ever taught him, spins around in mid air and unleashes a thunderous spin kick, connected the side of his left foot to Kunashiro's temple, sending him staggering. Toshida readies himself for a counter strike from his father, readying his left arm in front of him ready to block as his right arm is hooked back and his fist clenched ready to strike at a moments notice.

As Kunashiro regains his composure, he looks to his son with a look of intense rage. He readies his right hand for a strike against his own son. "Such strength . . . I had no idea that the dragon would increase his strength so much . . . and at his age!" Kunashiro watches on in horror as his sons eyes change from their determined brown eyed glare to the eyes that have become known as those of the dragon's. The bright green glow is visible only to Kunashiro who can only look on in fear. "I cannot risk getting him angry enough to have him demonstrate what the dragon can do. I need to relax."

Kunashiro lowers his defenses and regains his composure. Toshida follows his father's example and he too lowers his guard. Meanwhile, his eyes change back into the stoic brown glare that his father has grown accustom to.

"We will talk about this tomorrow Toshida. Go back to bed." Kunashiro says in a calm and dignified voice as he points toward the boys' room.

Yuna looks up at her husband who lowers his head in shame at his actions. She stands to her feet with tears still in her eyes. She swings back and slaps Kunashiro across the face sending out a booming echo throughout the colony. Kunashiro lowers his head again after the blow and does not look his wife in the eyes. After a few moments of silence, Yuna leaves the room and heads toward the section dedicated to her father. Kunashiro would stay awake most of the night thinking about his actions . . . not getting any sleep until the early hours of the morning.

The next day Toshida awakens and goes about his normal routine, getting dressed for the day and gather whatever equipment he needs for his training regiment for the day. Today is a Tuesday, meaning its shuriken practice. He grabs a heavy sash from a rack located on his wall built out of hardened clay and slabs of rock. The sash is lined with a number of different throwing weapons such as kunai, shuriken, small polearms and several lengths of kurot wire. All of the throwing weapons are evidently homemade, consisting of any number of materials, tied together with yarn or old lengths of hair. Toshida makes his way out of the section of caves dedicated to his family and all the way outside the colony. He makes his way down from the hill side in which the caves lie to the spot where he and his father train every day.

The sun is out and shining bright as Toshida continues walking through the once barren wasteland of the village of sin. Instead of blackened rock and dirt underneath his sandal-clad feet, the dirt around him show signs of life as blades of grass have begun to grow in the area, as well as several kinds of plants and flowers. As Toshida reaches the area that he and his father use for training, he finds the area deserted. His father is no where to be found.

"Father is always here before me. I am here at this time every day, why isn't he here?" Toshida asks out loud, not expecting anyone to actually answer.

"Daddy has a lot to think about hunny." A voice comes from behind Kunashiro, just behind a large bunch of rocks several meters from the beginning of the mountains in which the village caves lie buried. As the voice comes closer to Toshida, he soon realizes that it is his mother Yuna. "He didn't sleep much last night, so he is going to sleep most of today. I will take over your training for today."

"I don't understand" Toshida says as he looks at his mother with a confused yet inquisitive look. "But it is shuriken practice today, are you going to help me with my technique mother?"

"No Toshida I'm not." Yuna says as she brushes her chestnut brown hair out of her face revealing the bruise left on her face from Kunashiros blow the previous night. "I am going to teach you about other things today. And if it is ok with you . . . I would like to keep teaching you those things until you chose not to learn them anymore. But I want it all to be your choice after today. Is that ok?"

"Yes mother." Toshida says, without showing the enthusiasm of a child his age, but showing the discipline shown by an experience soldier.

Toshida's mother show tears falling from her cheeks as the baby boy she nursed from birth has become the weapon his father wanted. The realization is one that breaks Yuna's heart as Toshida remains standing tall and straight like a soldier awaiting his next order.

"Toshida don't call me mother." Yuna says, getting a confused reaction out of her son. "I don't want you to be so uptight around me. When you are around your father, you can act however it is that he wants you to act . . . but don't act that way with me. You can call me mommy, you can laugh, you can smile. Whatever it is you want to do, I want you to do it. Do you understand?"

Toshida only shakes his head in confusion as his mothers words and requests don't make sense to young shinobi. Yuna simply grabs the young shinobi's hand and leads him to a small grouping of flowers several meters away from where to two once stood.

Yuna reaches down and plucks a bright red flower from the batch and gives it to Toshida. "Toshida, do you know what kind of flower this is?"

Of coarse I didn't know what kind of flower it was. I didn't even know what it was that my mother was trying to do at that time. She would later go on to explain what kind of flower it was, why it had a red colour, why it grows where it grows and what kind of flowers go good when arranged next to it. My mother would teach me all sorts of things about flower arranging, gardening and many other womanly things. As if she were trying to raise a daughter rather then a son. I was intrigued by the information that I received from her at the time. So when it came time for me to meet with her again, I jumped at the opportunity. She would teach me how to write in calligraphy, how to cook, how to clean . . . how to play shogi . . . everything that a kid my age should have begun to learn. For the first time in my life I was actually happy. I had never known what that felt like. To me before, my father made it out to seem like I had to keep a cold outlook on everything and to simply be content with what was happening, never showing happiness and never showing anger. That way I would always be ready to react to any situation. But when I was with my mother, I was having fun learning what she was teaching me . . . I was happy just being with her.

My mother would also sit me down one day and gave me something that I still carry with me at all times to this day . . .

"Hear Toshida, I brought something for you." Yuna reaches behind into a satchel she had been carrying on her back, unties the restraint and gives the satchel to Toshida. As Toshida opens the satchel he reaches inside and pulls out his mothers long wooden flute.

"Your flute? But this is yours mom. What am I going to do with it?"

"I have seen you watching me this last few weeks while I play my flute at night. Whenever you watch me do something, or your father do something during your training, I know that you have the uncanny ability to mimic what you see very well. You still need practice at whatever it is you are trying to learn, but you have always been a fast learner. I want you to have this flute and play it everyday. Do you understand?"

"I . . . I will try mom. But you're really good at it. I can't mimic your playing, you're too good."

"You don't have to be as good as me or play perfectly Toshida. I just want you to have a hobby like this. Play whenever you are sad . . . or you can play when you're happy. Just play when you are feeling something!" Yuna then grabs the flute from Toshida and brings it to her mouth. "No here Toshida, I am going to play you a song and I want you to watch me perfectly, listen to the notes, watch my fingering and learn this song. I want you to remember this no matter what. Do you understand?"

"Yes, mommy. I understand." Toshida says with a smile on his face.

My mother would then teach me the song that I still play every night before heading to bed for the night. I became accustom to playing that song whenever I felt unhappy, or when I was happy . . . in fact it is really one of the only songs I know how to play on that flute. Eventually . . . it would become the only lasting memory I have of my mother

We always met in secret away from my father for months. And I was never to tell anyone what it was that my mother had been teaching me, for fear that my father would be angered by such news. So I never told my father anything. Then one day my mother and I were sitting at our usual meeting place . . . and she seemed to have a lot on her mind. She seemed unusually upset . . . I would find out years later what it was that my mother was upset about . . .

"Toshida," Yuna says, getting the attention of her son. "Do you ever cry?"

"Do I ever cry?" Toshida begins to think as far back as he can remember, and no memory comes to mind of him ever shedding tears. "No mommy, I can't say that I ever have. Why are you asking?"

"I can't remember either. I can't remember you ever crying because you were hurt . . . or sad . . . even when you were a baby . . . you never cried.

"But why is that important mom?"

"Do you know what tears are Toshida?"

"Yes. They are another way for your body to release adrenaline to prevent . . ."

"I know that you know what they are literally, but do you know what tears symbolize in children?"

"Um . . . no mom . . . I don't" The question put before him has Toshida perplexed as he tries to understand the hidden meaning behind shedding tears.

"Tears Toshida . . . is a symbol of your innocence. Every child is born innocent Toshida. I was, you were, every child is born with a clean slate and a life that is white and blank. It's their life to control . . . their destiny to manipulate."

"Why are you telling me this mom?"

"I am telling you this because your father has been trying to steal your innocence since the day you were born. He has been trying to manipulate you into living the life that he wants you live to fulfill his own personal desires. And that's not right!" Tears begin to roll down Yuna's cheek as the knowledge she possesses has begun to tear away at the poor woman's heart.

(Music: Queue "Sadness and Sorrow" (Piano version only) from the Naruto OST)

"Mom . . . what's wrong . . . why are you crying?"

At the time I didn't know what it was that was tearing away at my mother . . . but I would later find out, that she had stumbled on my fathers records from the time in which he had sealed the dragon in himself. As if the thoughts of her husband, wishing to become the vessel for a being of such power and evil . . . but she had also read . . . that I had become the container for the beast. Her heart was slowly breaking as she trying to look at me as a normal boy . . . her son. But unfortunately . . . it was just too much for her heart to bare. After all . . . what mother would be able to handle the fact that her son was a monster . . .

"I . . . I'm just . . . I love you Toshida. I don't want you to ever forget that no matter what." Yuna's tear filled eyes look deep into Toshida's as she pours her heart out to the child. "Toshida, I don't want you ever to forget this . . ."

My mother would then tell me something that would eventually change my life forever . . . for better . . . or for worse . . .

" . . . never forget your innocence. No matter what your father tells you, you are a good boy. You are a child with a promising future . . . and nothing that he could ever do and ever will do, will change that. He wants you to take the life of his enemies for him . . . and by doing so . . . he would gladly have you lose your innocence for the pursuit of his own revenge. If you take a life Toshida . . . you have robbed someone of their innocence . . . and robbed yourself of your own. You have to do whatever you can in order maintain your innocence . . . if you lose it . . . there may be nothing you can do to redeem yourself. And if that happens . . . you may never be able to live the life you were promised at birth . . . one that you set for yourself."

Yuna then breaks down and cries, pulling her son close to her, clutching him tightly in her arms as she cries heavily on his shoulder.

"Mom . . . you're scaring me." Toshida says as a tear forms in his eye for the first time in his young life. He reaches a hand up to his eye and wipes the tear from the corner, and then examines the strange dew left on the side of his finger. "What . . . What is this feeling?"

I didn't know it at the time . . . but it wouldn't be long until I ever felt that feeling again . . . and again . . . and again.