Disclaimer : I do not own Bishoujo Sailor Moon or any of its characters except for Kazuki/Akira/strange people who I made up randomly on the spot. The original manga rightfully belongs to Takeuchi Naoko.
Windsong
Chapter 12: Wind Trapped
by Enchanted Ice Star
If I were to be a painter forever, I would paint things that weren't real, visions that only existed in my mind and mine only. I would paint stars sunken to the ground, flames licking them from the crimson sky above. I would make the moon an eerie violet and the water that reflected its pearl-like shape maroon like the darkest of blood. I would paint children sitting in large coffee mugs, sliding down silver spoons into an endless black pit, whip cream swirling and spiraling down in hues of white and gray.
If I were to be forever a violinist, I would play only melodies that pleased my ears and made my soul sing. Notes that I would form would create beautiful images in my listener's minds, evoking hidden emotions they once thought were nonexistent. Sadness, joy, grief, pain- I wanted to make them solid with the music I created. My songs would be like a painting, but this time my audience would have the paintbrush and my notes would only be a nudge, a guide for their tentative strokes. They would paint their own masterpiece.
I remember that day, when Haruka and I stood on the sidewalk overlooking the harbor and I played for her for the very first time. No, that would be a lie, because I don't remember...I just feel. I could still feel the way my heart ran, knowing Haruka was by my side and listening to me play. I felt like I was sharing a bit of my soul to her, letting her see a bit of me that I hid from everyone else. I remember the song I wove, inspired by her mere bold presence that came and went like the wind. She was my masterpiece. My perfect painting, one I had created out of C sharps and B flats, a wind song, Haruka, tangible by sound.
But my masterpiece is sort of like a sheet of water. One little grain of sand could land on its perfect surface and cause endless ripples to spread and spread...and then the song would change. The windsong would get a little bit faster, and then slower again. A rock, a rock could come tumbling in...and I would have to change the song once again, because it wouldn't suit anymore. But I liked it that way. It was what Haruka symbolized for me. An ever changing path, an always exciting new turn in life. An ever changing being, a soft breeze, a passionate hurricane...it was hard to capture...with just me and my violin.
What does that wind song sound like now? I'm not too sure...but I think it's sort of light and airy, slow in tempo but with a hidden fire. I think I ought to go and pick up my violin, let my bow carry me away and refresh my mind a little. That seemed like a good idea.
"Walk for me."
I stared at Setsuna in confusion. Her lips were slightly drooping in a sort of subconscious frown, her legs crossed tightly beneath the chair she had pulled up in front of the fireplace in the spacious living room we were currently in. She had a clipboard in one hand and a pencil in the other, her eyes slightly squinted in concentration as she uncrossed her legs again.
"Pardon?" I asked.
She bit her lip, not really hearing me as she tilted her head, garnet eyes squinting even more if that was even possible. "Could you maybe walk a bit and do a little turn in front of the coffee table?"
I didn't question what she was trying to do and decided to simply oblige and started walking, careful to hold up the smooth satin fabric of the dress I was currently wearing. Setsuna had designed and made the whole dress in a week and a half, wanting to bring it in to her office by tomorrow to show Hinshinuma. Her meeting with the top designer had gone wonderfully and she was going to bring her ideas and suggestions to the office and see if her designs would eventually have a chance on the runway. I stopped in front of the coffee table and did a careful turn, looking down at the dress I was wearing with an admiring glance.
"It really is a beautiful design Setsuna," I praised, doing another turn willingly just to see how the skirts would fan out around me. The dress was sort of mermaid style, with a clear waistline and hemming that made the dress fan out in layers on the bottom. The whole thing was made with soft shell pink satin that felt cool and smooth underneath my fingers.
"I don't know," Setsuna murmured more to herself than to anyone else. She scribbled something down on her clipboard. "I think...maybe if I made it slightly tighter around the waist..." she trailed off, doing whatever it was that she always did when it came to designing clothes. I placed a hand on my hip and glanced at the large clock hanging over the television. It was almost time for me to go with Haruka, but Setsuna seemed so deeply concentrated that I didn't want to step out of my shoes of being her personal model.
As if reading my mind, Haruka appeared at the doorway, an elbow propped against the wooden frame and smiled charmingly at the two of us. "Beautiful," she commented.
"The dress? Or Michiru?" Setsuna questioned absentmindedly, tapping a fingernail on her clipboard as she twirled her pencil around in one hand.
Haruka hesitated for a moment before answering, "Both." She shot me a quick wink that caused my lips to twitch into a soft smile. "Shouldn't we be leaving?" Haruka nodded towards the clock and looked at Setsuna expectantly.
The dark haired woman didn't seem to notice and I could only shrug somewhat helplessly at Haruka. She chuckled underneath her breath and came towards me, placing both her hands on my shoulders and started steering me towards the door. "Setsuna, I'm going to take Michiru away now or else we're both going to be late."
"I'll come back later if you still need me to wear this for you," I tugged at the dress and hurried upstairs to change. I heard Setsuna mumble something in reply and laughed at how deeply focused the woman was every time she was working on something new. I knew that Setsuna would make it someday and achieve her dreams of becoming a fashion designer...which made me pause in front of the mirror in the bedroom Haruka and I shared to stare at my own reflection. The dress really was beautiful...and I couldn't quite explain the sudden melancholy feeling I felt within me.
Haruka was working her way towards her dreams and Setsuna was climbing up the ladder to become a famous fashion designer. Yet, what was I trying to do to achieve my dreams? I stared at my reflection, at my eyes that were as blue as the sea and looked just as deep. What were my dreams anyway? I glanced away from the mirror to look at where I always left my violin, on the desk in the corner of the room. A violinist? That seemed so farfetched now. A painter? I laughed softly, wondering how that would ever work out. I felt so unmotivated all of a sudden. I thought I would simply feel absolutely fulfilled as long as Haruka was with me...
But...I was slowly coming to realize that Haruka wasn't going to hit pause and let her life stand still around her as she held me close. She wasn't going to bury her face in my hair forever and let the world rush around her and time fly around us and through our grasp. She could never live like that. Haruka was the wind. She couldn't stand there, be still, and simply let it be. Even...even if I wanted that...I couldn't hold the wind down. Even if I did prefer just being the waves, rolling in and out, crashing upon rocks and the shoreline and letting myself face whatever came and not making things happen for me. But Haruka was different. She had to get somewhere. She had to continue living. She liked seizing the day.
I changed into a casual pair of jeans and a beaded tank top, slipping into a pair of platform sandals before giving my hair a final quick brush.
But...I didn't want to be left behind in the rush of things. Life was picking up momentum again and I didn't even anticipate it happening. Yes, I taught art which filled up my time. But that was all it did. Fill up time. I wasn't getting anywhere. I wasn't becoming anything. I wasn't improving myself. I frowned at my thoughts. Why was I thinking such things? Wasn't happiness enough? Wasn't being with Haruka and a caring friend like Setsuna satisfying already? Why did I still feel like I was missing something? Lacking some sort of road in life?
"Michiru, we're going to be late if you don't hurry," Haruka's voice drifted from downstairs to my ears. I jumped slightly, unaware of how deeply I had let myself drown in my own thoughts as I quickly left the room and down the stairs.
Haruka was already waiting at the door when I let myself through, letting the usual daily routine envelope me once more. As we sped off to the city again, my thoughts fell still and one solid concrete thought surfaced in my mind and made my brow crease in frustration. Was I bored? Was I bored because all I did everyday was wake up, teach a bit of art, love Haruka, and continue living? But what else could I dream for? This was what I always wanted. This endless freedom...this endless...pathless...life?
Haruka glanced at me quickly. "You're quiet today."
"Maybe I should get another job," I suddenly piped up, the idea sounding quite inviting to me already even if it was rather spontaneous and out of the blue. I shifted around in my seat and nodded tentatively. "Maybe I'll start teaching violin too, or maybe a simple part-time job such as being a waitress."
Haruka brought the car to a sudden halt, tires screeching and causing us to lurch forwards in our seats. I sucked in a quick breath and turned to look at Haruka in surprise. "What's wrong?" I asked quickly.
"Nothing," Haruka replied just as hastily, though she looked slightly flustered nonetheless. "But...what's with the sudden urge to get another job? You're already teaching art for most of the day...aren't you going to tire yourself out?" Haruka regained her composure and we started off again. I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't quite understand why Haruka was reacting so peculiarly to my desire to simply do something about my life.
"Yes, I know, but...but I feel like I need to do more..." I let my voice trail off before I continued, "Maybe it's the workaholic in me, or maybe it's just because...you and Setsuna-chan are getting busier and busier lately...maybe I just want to do a little bit more, you know?" I heard the uncertainty in my tone even before it left my mouth and I cringed at how confused I was. Why was I even doubtful about what I was doing with my life? I was always so sure of everything...
"I'm not getting busy," Haruka let out a sort of anxious chuckle as we neared the community centre again. Strange...how my heart sort of sank at the thought of letting everyday life consume me again. "I'm just taking racing more seriously."
"I just want something to occupy myself with when you're too busy," I explained carefully, unbuckling my seatbelt yet not getting out of the car anyway. We were already in front of the familiar building and the high-pitched squeals of children could already be heard from where we were. I smiled, though it seemed somewhat forlorn as I looked at Haruka. "That's alright, right?"
Haruka stared back at me, and I could tell she was having some sort of a mental battle within herself. The teal shades in her eyes seemed darker, more serious, and as I glanced quickly at her hands which were clutching the steering wheel rather tightly did I realize she really was acting quite strangely. I reached out and touched her arm carefully. "Haruka?"
She looked away sharply and I knew she was struggling to keep her facial expression neutral and aloof. "I'm just worried," she confessed abruptly, turning to grab my hand in her own. Her grasp seemed rather tight, even desperate. My eyes widened ever so slightly at her sudden actions.
"Haruka..."
"You know what's been going on lately...with all those people out to hurt me and even you," her voice was strained as she tried to maintain her cool. "I don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to be out of my sight more then necessary because every time I let you go...I worry. What if something happens and I'm not there?"
I was touched, yet something flickered in my mind anyway. I pulled my hand gently out of hers and frowned. "We've talked about this before Haruka...and besides," I felt my throat constrict and I took a short breath and looked away, ashamed I was saying such a thing but I couldn't help it. "Besides," I repeated, "you're...you're going to go to America. What about then? Aren't you going to worry then? And what about all the times you're racing and I'm alone? Do you worry then? Or do you just stop worrying when you're racing? Does everything else just disappear? But what about me, Haruka? Have you ever thought about...about how I'd feel when you're gone? When I have nothing else to distract me or take away my worries?"
I took another breath, my eyes wide with disbelief that I was saying such things yet not quite able to stop them at the same time. "Well, Haruka? So you claim that you worry about me but you can still go off with your car? I just want to do something for myself Haruka..." I let my voice soften, daring myself to look at her again. She seemed startled, paler than usual.
"You think I'm being selfish," Haruka suddenly spoke up, her voice slightly accusing.
"No," I stressed, shaking my head. I didn't want her to think that. I didn't quite understand what was happening anymore. How had we gotten onto this topic anyway? My budding feeling of doing nothing? That I was wasting away while everyone around me continued living? I didn't know. I just couldn't suppress the anxiety I felt of just wanting to do something more. "I just don't understand why you seem so against me wanting to do more with my life...it's not like...it's not like you're...you're just stopping there," I whispered, "letting everyone walk by and away, living and making their dreams come true while you sit back and watch."
Why were we even having this conversation? We never even had a terse, tension filled talk ever and suddenly I was being ridiculous and causing us to almost disagree. We never disagreed. I bit my lip rather harshly and couldn't bring myself to look into Haruka's eyes anymore. I felt horrible. What was I doing? Maybe I was the one being selfish, making Haruka worry so much. But...but why shouldn't I try to make my life progress?
"I just don't understand why you can go and race away while I can't simply go get another job to occupy myself," I said casually, trying to loosen up the suddenly tight atmosphere around us. "It only seems...natural," I added quietly and got out of the car, going around the front and pausing by Haruka's side of the Ferrari, forcing myself to look at her. She was gazing at the steering wheel, her eyes intense, her bangs falling into her eyes. I cautiously placed a hand on her shoulder. "Never mind Haruka," I whispered. "If it makes you worry...I won't think about it."
I turned to go, walking deliberately slower to see if Haruka would stop me and run out of her seat, throw her arms around me and say that she was being silly and that everything was okay and I could go and get as many jobs as I wanted. But I heard only silence behind me and eventually the engine flaring to life as she drove away without another word. I didn't know what this feeling was, this horrible sinking feeling in my gut that made me feel sick and horrible.
I only knew that this was the closest Haruka and I had ever gotten to an argument.
And it made me feel terrible that I had started it.
I was usually a very open person, children constantly nagging and tugging at my hands never agitated me and yet I felt like I was constantly on the brink of yelling throughout the entire art class. I sat stiffly now, glancing occasionally as the children worked away on their projects, but that frustration didn't wash away. I had brought back the unfinished painting of the lonely looking girl with black hair, for I hadn't seen her since the last time I caught her pressed up against the window...but as I stared into the bottomless black eyes I had painted with my own hands, I could only see teal, teal, and endless teal.
Beautiful teal eyes. Happy teal eyes, with that perpetual dancing light in them that whispered only loving words and affectionate glances to me. Those eyes that only fell on me with such light, with such care and tenderness...those eyes, those eyes that had stared so intensely, with hidden anger and confusion, frustration...frustration that I had caused.
My thoughts were a muddle of confusion. I couldn't help but feel so utterly childish...and yet my thoughts refused to vanish. Haruka could do whatever she wanted. She could go chase her dreams, even if they were far, far away...and she'd still catch them. And what do I have to say? I say nothing. I sit back, watch, watch as she runs farther and farther into the distance to her dreams until finally, I can't see her anymore. She's gone, like the wind, and I'm left in its wake. But now, I want to chase after her, I want to go too. I stand up, I'm ready to take off...but suddenly, she turns around her from her point far away, looks back at me with those mesmerizing teal eyes and shakes her head.
No Michiru, you can't come. Stay. Stay where you are.
I was biting my lip again. It was becoming such a horrible habit, but those thoughts simply made me shake my head in anguish. I wanted Haruka to become everything she wanted to, but why couldn't she just be as open as I was to her dreams? I understood that she worried...worried that if I ran around too much that people would hurt me...people out there that wanted to hurt her would hurt me...but...but this was just like before. Just like all those years ago...in that cold, lonely mansion, just my violin and I, sitting in the huge empty living room.
Trapped. Unable to move.
...Was I incapable of really having freedom? Was I cursed to a trapped existence? Was I forever to live, only to fulfill other people's dreams and watch as my days fall away one by one until there's no more time left?
I paused. My thoughts halted. My lips curved into a thin frown.
I was being selfish.
Wasn't I?
Tap, tap.
I looked up instantly towards the source of the sudden noise that rose louder than the buzz of children whispering to one another. My eyes scanned the room until they landed on the windows, and strangely, I felt like I had known someone would be there and I knew it would be that little girl again. And there she was, standing there kicking a pebble at her feet, not noticing that the toes of her feet were hitting the glass window every now and then as she did so. I absentmindedly stood up from my stool, my eyes never leaving her form, wanting to catch her gaze.
But she was looking at her feet, at the pebble she was currently kicking at.
I decided this was a good time, so I slipped out of the classroom and out the backdoor of the community centre. Haruka. I could worry about Haruka later. Now I had to end this biting curiousity I had for this dark haired little girl. As I rounded the corner, around a row of bushes, I saw her, only a few feet away, still kicking at that pebble. I paused, wondering if I would scare her, but once again, the girl was acutely alert and spun around instantly when I took one more step closer.
Her violet eyes widened when she caught sight of me, her face seemingly going paler, making her look almost ghostly and sick. I looked at her with kind eyes, hoping she could see that I meant no harm. I smiled, a small smile, knowing that this girl seemed to understand the harsh realities of life and that if I smiled any bigger, she'd know it was forced and run away again. Funny, how I thought I knew this girl when I hadn't even spoken one word to her.
"Hello there," I started gently, searching her eyes for any sort of purpose. Why was she always here? Why was she alone? "I've started to notice that you always stand right there, watching my art class," I continued smiling, taking another step closer and bending down ever so slightly. "Do you like art?"
She blinked back at me with those wide eyes. She seemed to hesitate, her left foot twitched as if deciding whether to make a run for it or not, and then she paused, and stared back at me...then nodded. A quick motion of her head, bobbing raven hair and the sun danced in her dark locks. I made a mental note to myself how her hair seemed to be tinted purple. I needed to add a few touches to my painting.
"Would you like to come in and watch?" I offered softly.
She bit at her sleeve, a seemingly habitual motion since she seemed to have done it in such a practiced fashion. She paused in her biting and shook her head slowly to indicate the negative. I tilted my head. "No?"
She nodded.
"There's a much better view inside," I continued, not really knowing why I wanted to persuade her. She seemed so lost and yet so determined that she wasn't. Where was I getting such an impression? I didn't know, but I felt like I could feel what she wanted to hide, what she didn't want me to see. I reached towards her with one outstretched hand, slowly as to not frighten her off. "The other children are very nice. They won't mind."
She stood her ground and shook her head again with a hint of childlike stubbornness. My smile widened out of amusement and I pulled back my hand, clutching my side as I stood up again. "If you really don't want to..." I trailed off, making a slow turn and starting to walk back the way I had come. I paused with a knowing smile when I felt a tug on my leg- soft, unsure, but a tug nonetheless. I turned to look over my shoulder and gazed downwards into two wide eyes. "Yes?"
She nodded again, a shy hint of a smile on her lips. I smiled back at her and took her hand in mine. It felt so small, so utterly tiny with skin that was as soft as cotton. I held onto it gingerly, afraid I would crush her small fingers even if my grip was never strong anyway. We made our way into the classroom, the girl never making another sound except for the occasional noise of her feet shuffling across the floor. When we entered the classroom again, my students looked up from their artwork with curious blinking eyes.
Takashi immediately jumped up from his seat. "Sensei, sensei! Who's that? Is she your daughter?"
I automatically flushed at the comment, but shook my head. "No, Takashi, this little girl just wants to watch our class," I looked back at the dark haired girl and offered her another encouraging smile. "Go back to work, everyone."
They all reluctantly agreed, though I knew a few small pairs of eyes were still trailing after us as I took a seat by my easel again, patting an empty stool next to me to signal the girl to sit. She did so, but her gaze was not on me but on the canvas laid out before me. I followed her gaze and smiled at the surprised expression on her young face. Immediately she was off the stool and standing intently in front of the canvas, as if mesmerized.
"Me?" She whispered in a barely audible voice.
I nodded, "You."
She took in this short information with a look of awe on her face until suddenly, a wide smile lit her usually forlorn face and her eyes sparkled with childish delight. I felt an odd rising in my chest seeing such a transformation on her face as she giggled, a beautiful and pleasing sound to my ears. "Me!" She repeated, pointing a finger at the half finished painting. "But why am I missing some hair? And a foot? And I'm frowning," she added with a pout, her face suddenly looking quite comical.
I suddenly wondered if I had analyzed incorrectly. This girl didn't seem anything like the depressed, lonely little figure I had seen last time, fingers pressed against the window with a sort of silent fascination. Now, she seemed just like any other little girl, giddy at the slightest things and absolutely excited by the fact of seeing herself in a painting. But just as suddenly as her happiness had appeared, the smile fell and the spark died from her eyes. She turned to look at me with a sort of blank expression on her face and stuck a thumb in her mouth out of sheer nervousness. "Am I always frowning?" She asked innocently and looked back at the painting.
I looked at her in surprise but quickly covered the expression with a masked neutral expression. "I only painted you frowning because I saw you frowning the last time I saw you," I explained carefully, eyes never leaving her.
She frowned and turned to look at me again, a spark of stubbornness in her eyes again. "I am always frowning. My mama use to say I frown too much and that I look like I'm thinking a lot sometimes...but I don't think I think too much," she mumbled as if with annoyance and started fiddling with the sleeves of her grubby sweater.
"Your mama?" I echoed, once again surprised that she had a mother...for she looked like she had been on the streets for a while. "Where is your mother?"
She looked up at me and stared, eyes wide again, violet fading into a darker shade of colour that seemed almost like the darkness of her hair. She pouted again and replied, "She died."
"Oh," I bit my lip, wondering why I was saying so many wrongs things today. Perhaps I should just be silent for the entire day and nothing else would go wrong, but the question had already been asked and I had gotten my answer. I sighed lightly and placed a hand on the girl's shoulder. "Gomen..."
"Hotaru."
I blinked, "Pardon?"
"...Hotaru," the girl repeated again, her voice quiet. "That's my name...and you're Kaioh Michiru."
"How did you know, Hotaru?" I tested out her name, pleased by the way it rolled out of my tongue easily and as if I had spoken it a dozen times before already.
"Mommy brought me to one of your concerts a long time ago," she answered swiftly with an air that exuded an attitude of aloofness even if we were talking about her deceased mother. She nodded brightly, her lips curving into a naive smile again. "You were standing on this stage thing and there were lights all over the place...but I don't really remember," she admitted, looking quite adorable and oblivious as she said so.
I smiled kindly at her, dipping a paintbrush into a bucket of nearby water and holding the dripping bristles just above eye level. I paused, "Hotaru, would you model for me?"
She blinked those round, large eyes of hers and suddenly look much like the child she was. Though the air around her seemed to radiate a young person who had already seen all too much, the shocked expression on her face and the redness of her cheeks showed only an expression that looked very much innocent when expressed by a child. She kicked her feet timidly as she sat on the stool, her foot occasionally banging against its side. "Model? Model for...for you?"
I nodded, dabbing my paintbrush gently into a hue of green and mixing it to produce a more olive colour. "Actually," I glanced at my half finished painting of Hotaru with the frown on her face and quickly shifted my gaze to the solid, breathing, and very much alive Hotaru sitting just a few feet away. A thoughtful expression found its way onto my face and I found myself shaking my head. "Actually," I repeated slowly. "I'm going to start over," I bent down and swiftly changed the canvases sitting on the easel to a fresh, new blank one. "And now...you're going to smile," I decided and raised my paintbrush once again.
Hotaru simply stared at me in confusion, but when she finally realized that I was starting to paint her, she sat stalk still and became a most wonderful model- silent and unmoving. I glanced at her face, memorizing her features slowly, and then my eyes fell to her lips, currently flat and expressionless. I paused and tilted my head. "Hotaru, what makes you smile?"
She seemed to think over my question rather deeply before responding, "Um...pretty things...like, um...butterflies? And um," she stuck out her bottom lip thoughtfully, "Flowers! I kinda like...glowing things too...they make me smile...oh, right, and...you," she added with a blush.
I laughed lightly at her response, which caused her young childish face to smile with excitement. My laughter died quickly as I memorized that smile as quickly as it had appeared. I took a pencil and quickly sketched a brief idea on the canvas, marking a few spots. I turned to capture her gaze again and switched to a paintbrush. "Okay Hotaru, can you sit really still for me?"
She nodded, a spark of determination in her eyes.
I smiled, "If you really have to move, just tell me, alright?"
She nodded once again.
But throughout the rest of the class, as my other students filed to and fro, sometimes stopping by us to see what their sensei was doing, Hotaru never once flinched, never once twitched a foot or let her smile change. Even when Ayame-chan came up and made silly faces at her, she sat stubbornly still, determined not to let me down or go back on her words. As blacks and purples and blues blended into one, I couldn't help but look at Hotaru with an odd sort of fascination. She was such a strong child...
Such a strong, lonely, child.
It was a few minutes past four and I was already standing at my usual spot in the parking lot, waiting for that familiar yellow Ferrari to turn around the curb, driven by a certain handsome blonde. I had insisted that Hotaru stay with me and that Haruka and I could take her out for dinner since she had been such an exceptional little model for me, but her eyes had simply grown wide and she had ran off, saying that she would see me again some other day. I smiled at the silly memory and glanced at my wristwatch again.
A growing feeling of sadness was spreading inside of me. Was Haruka still angry? Was I still angry? Yet...I knew I was no longer angry at Haruka's sudden overly possessive attitude...I could never stay angry for long and especially if it concerned Haruka of all people. I knew she was only worried. I sighed lightly and shifted my weight from one foot to the other, trying to think of other things like what to do about dinner and what to teach tomorrow since everyone was done their teapots...
"Are you just going to stand there until the sun sets?"
I instantly looked up and caught those teal orbs that always looked at me with such indescribable affection. A gentle smile immediately broke out in my face and I slipped into the passenger's seat. "I thought you weren't coming," I confessed, suddenly feeling quite sheepish but melancholy nonetheless.
Haruka started driving again, the smallest of smirks on her lips. "Do you think I'm that heartless?" She chuckled. "Oh, but I was thinking about it."
I frowned, but Haruka laughed again and shook her head in disbelief. "Michiru, I'd come and pick you up anytime, any day, even if it's hailing or pouring rain."
I warmed at her words and a smile lighted my face again, but this morning's events still nagged at my already tired mind. I shifted in my seat and turned to look at Haruka who was trying to look serious and concentrated in her driving again. That was the biggest hint that she was also worrying about the same problems as myself. I laughed inwardly at both our feelings and spoke up, "About this morning-"
"I'm sorry," Haruka interrupted, her voice strangely tense and her gaze starting to waver as her eyes darted to and fro. She always got so flighty when she had to be absolutely serious with me. I reached out calmly and took one of her hands.
"It's alright," I whispered.
"No," Haruka muttered. "I always overreact, don't I? I always get swept up in the heat of things and I lose my common sense...and you're always so understanding," she trailed off, her brow furrowed as if with annoyance. "Sometimes I wonder why you even bother with me."
"Haruka," I gazed at her softly, eyes filled with worry.
She stopped the car. We were already on a road that stretched to the suburbs and was leading away from the bustling, busy city of Tokyo. Fields could already be seen and on either side of us was just endless, endless green grass that seemed to stretch out like the sea. Haruka threw her hands back and behind her head, leaning on them and looking skywards. "You're always so...selfless," she paused and smirked again, turning to look at me. Her gaze was wavering again, the smirk only another part of that mask that was suppose to make her look strong and unaffected. "I'm selfish. I know that. How can you stand it? You, so caring, so open, always thinking about others...not caring if what you sacrifice will hurt yourself," her eyes narrowed as she studied me. "How can you stand me?"
Her question was so blunt, so straightforward, and her eyes didn't hide that she meant every word she said. I stared at her in surprise, unbuckling my seatbelt just so I could lean closer, feeling the need to feel her breath nearby and the warmth from her body sooth me. "No, Haruka, chasing after your dreams isn't selfish--"
"And not letting you chase after your own isn't?" She cut in harshly, grabbing my lingering hand in her own. Her grasp tightened quite suddenly, causing me to let out a slight gasp of surprise. I stared at our hands, so tightly held, and looked back into her eyes, searching, searching...what are you thinking, Haruka? "I'm...I'm tying you back, aren't I?" She said in an almost inaudible tone, and yet I didn't need to strain to hear them. The wind seemed to carry them to me.
I started shaking my head. No. No, Haruka. What are you saying? You're being silly again. You're being foolish. You're thinking too much. Everything's fine. I love you. That's all that matters. But I was still shaking my head and Haruka was running one hand through my hair again, tenderly letting her hand linger on my cheek, a soft stroke, sending a chilling shiver up and down my spine. She gazed at me, her eyes softening again, losing that intense, hard and stubborn stare that had existed in them only a moment ago.
"Do you feel it again, Michiru? Do you feel trapped? I'm not stupid. I see it," she whispered hastily, never once pausing for breath. "I see it," she repeated, her eyes flittering back and forth, looking into mine as if prying for some hidden words, hidden emotions that I didn't want her to see. "You're falling again, aren't you? And this time, I'm not catching you because I'm the one pushing you down, aren't I?" Her words. Her words made no sense whatsoever. What pushing me down? What falling? I wasn't falling. I was flying. I was always flying when Haruka was by my side...
I was just...a little lost at the moment, that was all.
...And yet, all the same, I understood her words.
"Oh, Haruka, what are you saying?" I let out a small laugh, but it was so meek and feeble that it instantly faded. "Are you worrying unnecessarily again? I'm not falling...I'm right here," I plastered a smile on my face and let out another short laugh. It sounded horrid to my ears but I didn't care. "I'm always right here. I'll always be here."
"Will you?" Haruka questioned immediately, her gaze set and firm. She turned to look ahead. "My dream is to become Japan's top F1 racer. I'm a woman, but I know I can do it if I set my heart to it. Someday, I'll be faster than the wind. But then, the life of a racer is fast paced. Once you're in it, you get swept up in everything and it's almost impossible to turn back. When I go away to faraway places to race and let my own selfish dreams come true, will I come back here to find you still waiting? Will I always have you to come back to even when everything else slips away and life gets insane?"
I gazed into those deep, troubled teal eyes and felt my worry growing. "Haruka, what's wrong? Why are we saying such things?"
She looked away, letting go of my hand. I didn't realize she had been holding it, for our grasp had been too tight and my hand had already gone numb long ago. It was slightly pink from the pressure, but I could care less. "This morning...just...just everything," she muttered rather incoherently. "When you said you wanted to do more, get another job, worrying about your safety was my immediate thought. I immediately wondered why you even wanted to do such a thing. I worried enough already. Why did you want me to worry more? But then...after dropping you off, I couldn't get your face out of my mind," she traced a finger from my cheek to the corner of my lips. "That sadness. I've seen it before...the first time I ever set my eyes on you...it was the most evident...when you were still trapped in that life you hated...that perfect world as you called it. And to think that I had caused you it again...that pain," She shifted her gaze away again, looking into the distant endless fields. "I can't fucking believe I'm making you sad."
"We're only human," I insisted quietly. "Everyone has their down times...it's only natural..."
"But I'm not suppose to bring you sadness," she whispered back just as intensely. "Don't you understand how badly it hurts to know that I can make you frown? That I can make you shake your head in disappointment?"
"But you can make me smile, make me laugh, make me cry out loud in utter joy too," I cupped my hand against her cheek, bringing her close, gaze never leaving hers. "I don't care how many times I have to frown as long as you're here, as long as we're still together."
"You didn't promise me yet," she whispered into my ear, her hands holding me close in a desperate embrace. "Will you always be here? No matter how far I go, no matter where I am, will you always be here?" Her voice, it sounded so frightened, but if a bystander had heard her words, they would have thought them emotionless, but I could hear every bit of the sadness laced so obscurely in them. I could feel it from the way she held me so tightly in her strong arms. I could feel every bit of the desperate desire for some reassurance radiating off her form. She buried her head into the crook of my neck. Her breath was slightly ragged. I pulled back and rested my forehead on hers, looking into her eyes steadily.
"Haruka," I started, tone serious. "I promise. I'll always be here. I'll always be here waiting. You didn't even have to ask...because who else can I wait for?" I laughed gently and saw the slightest of smiles spread on her lips.
She chuckled, and strangely, I felt my eyes prickle with the sensation of tears. She brought her lips onto mine, gently at first, and then fierce, biting on my bottom lip, tongue searching and finding every hidden corner of my mouth. With every pause for breath, she would whisper just as fiercely, "We're alright. It's alright. Everything's alright."
This sense of sudden anxiety. This need to feel each other. It wasn't that we had grown apart because of our little argument this morning. It had only brought us closer, made us realize how much we needed each other, realize how much we treasured the most perfect love we had now. Now, being the present. Now, being here. Now, being us. I didn't want to lose this. I had so much now, but it only made me hold so much more to lose. I knew Haruka felt the same way. I knew the inner battle she was having now. She wanted to chase her dreams, but she didn't want to ruin this. This. Us. Love. But I was conflicted too. I wanted to be just as selfless as Haruka thought I was. I wanted her to run, go after that wonderful dream of hers...but I didn't want her to keep on running, keep on going away...
"Haruka," I paused, pulling my head back away from hers, my lips feeling slightly swollen. "But Haruka, promise me, promise me that however far you go, however many seas or countries or skies that end up between us...you'll always come back. Promise me that. Promise me that my promises to you are not in vain."
Haruka could only nod, looking quite breathless as she rested her forehead on mine again. Her breath tickled my nose and she smiled, that charming smile of hers. "Promise. I promise I'll always come back."
I let those words wash over me, let it seep into my soul and hold them in my heart forever. She would always come back and I would always wait. I shut my eyes, letting only the sounds of nature greet my ears and the soft sound of Haruka breathing beside me. Yes. No matter where racing would take Haruka, she would always come back to me. No matter how fast her life was going to get, I would always be here to slow her down. I felt something in front of my vision and cracked my eyes open. A box. Haruka was holding a box in her hand, waiting for me to see it.
I turned to look at her. "Haruka?"
"Take it," she insisted, waving the box gently in front of my vision again. It was a simple box with a ribbon of pink tied around it. I took it gingerly out of her palm and turned to look at her one more time before undoing the ribbon, letting it fall to my lap and slid the top of the box off with one hand. White cotton met my gaze first, then silver, and a chain, a necklace. I let one hand hold it up, admiring its soft shine and glanced at the pendant in the centre. A circle. A silver circle with a seashell design engraved on its smooth shiny surface. I traced one finger along the soft bumps of it and turned to look at Haruka again. "It's beautiful."
"It opens," Haruka explained, a nod of her head indicating that she was talking about the necklace.
I tentatively did as told and pride the circular locket pendant open. She spoke up as I was doing this, a soft, cautious sound to my ears. "Inside, it shows the person I love most. The person in that locket will always be the one in my heart."
The pendant clicked open and then I noticed there was nothing in it. No picture of us. No picture of me. No picture of anyone. I stared at her in confusion, but she simply smiled quite enigmatically. I glanced back quickly at the opened pendant and realized it was a mirror. A small circular mirror within the locket. I stared down at my own face as it was now, slightly surprised, confused, and I noticed my lipstick was slightly smudged. As her previous words echoed in my mind, my eyes watered again and I knew that my promise to her would never be broken.
Haruka, go and chase your dreams. Go and make them come true. Go, and I'll always be here waiting.
AN: Next chapter, Haruka goes off to America, and well, things start to turn (for the good? for the bad?). Hmm, we'll just have to see. I still don't know when this story is going to end. I have so many more ideas and problems set out that I might have to cancel a few cuz it just wouldn't be real. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed this chapter and reviews are once again welcomed!