Disclaimer : I do not own Bishoujo Sailor Moon or any of its characters except for Kazuki/Akira/strange people who I made up randomly on the spot. The original manga rightfully belongs to Takeuchi Naoko.
Chapter 13: Flying Solo
by Enchanted Ice Star
I looked down at my cell phone for the umpteenth time and forced my racing heart to calm and the frustration I felt to ebb away. I looked around me, at the many pedestrians on the streets of Tokyo, rushing to work, running to grab a quick breakfast or a coffee before disappearing off to their usual busy lives. I sighed and punched in Haruka's number once again, knowing that she shouldn't be racing at the moment and was probably hanging out in her hotel room. The ring tone droned on unpleasantly in my ear and after the sixth ring, I reluctantly hung up again just as the mechanical voice of a woman asking me to leave a message started.
Was she alright? She hadn't called at all yet and I was starting to worry. The last time I had heard her voice was when she had arrived in America and had quickly called at the airport, telling me how excited she was and that she had landed safely. She also said people understood her English quite nicely in that proud voice of hers. I had only laughed then, and now, I could only wonder why she wasn't picking up. It was the third day. Seven more days. It wasn't that long, was it?
I crossed the street and wished it wasn't the weekend. I had no art class to teach, nothing to busy myself with and was forlornly wandering the streets of Tokyo. I had driven Haruka's Ferrari out and I could only hope she wouldn't mind. I wasn't a reckless driver, so I was sure not to give it any scratches at all. Yet when it came to Haruka and her cars, it was a bit of a touchy matter.
Setsuna had called me silly when I had told her that Haruka hadn't called. I sighed and fingered the circular pendant with the seashell engraving hanging daintily on my neck. Setsuna had also insisted that it was Haruka's first time in America and that it must be overwhelmingly thrilling for her to be so close to her dreams that once seemed so distant. I decided that Setsuna's comments were very much rational, and such thoughts I should have already possessed without Setsuna telling me- but it was the longing I felt for Haruka to be by my side that made all my common sense jump out the window. I shook my head in annoyance. I was being so ridiculous.
So ridiculously yearning for the one I loved.
Are you safe? I wondered. Are you eating? I mused. Are you washing your own clothes?
...Are you thinking of me?
But as I walked down the street, I knew no one could tell I was so troubled. Even Setsuna didn't think I was worrying much until I couldn't bare it anymore and told her about the unanswered phone calls. She seemed surprised, because she said that I had been going on about life as I usually would, with a contained grace to everything. Funny, I guessed I hadn't lost those wonderful acting skills that I had obtained back when I lived with father and mother and had to face all their silly business friends with a smile and a nod of the head, as if I completely enjoyed their mindless company.
My phone beeped and did that silly little jingle it always did when someone left a voice message. I jumped in surprise and quickly flipped it open, a wash of indescribable relief flooding through me when I realized it was Haruka. But just as the feeling had passed, a sense of frustration filled me again. Hadn't I called her only minutes ago? Why hadn't she picked up? In fact, why hadn't she called instead of leaving a message? I bit my lip and shook those thoughts out of my mind. I was being stupid again.
I brought the phone to my ear and pressed the '1' key, listening as Haruka's deep, husky voice filled my ears. I missed it. I missed the emotion it could display that a simple voice message couldn't. I missed the warmth of it near me. But I listened to the message anyway, frowning when it ended abruptly, saying that her race was about to start and that she had to go down to the track. A loud beep told me it was over and the mechanical voice of a woman from my cell phone asked if I wanted to 1) Replay the message 2) Play the date and time the message was received 3) Reply to the message...I flipped the phone shut and forced myself to continue walking.
Hey Michiru, I hope you're doing okay. I'm doing fine here and it's great. Everyone's really enthusiastic and America has some really good food. Of course, I miss your cooking. A light laugh. That laugh I missed so badly. Don't worry, I'm taking care of myself. You better be too. I hope I won't be coming home to a bed straggled Michiru, okay? It's funny. I went to McDonald's the other day, okay, I know you're making a face, but anyway, I was so surprised when I realized they didn't serve Coke in a milk carton. I mean, isn't Coke always in a milk carton? Oh yeah, and...oh wait, I think Tachi is calling. Oh yeah, there he is. Damn, I gotta go. I'll call later, okay? Sorry that I haven't. It's been really busy. Miss you. My race is about to start, wish me luck.
Good luck, I thought sincerely and frowned when I felt another urge to sigh. Hearing her voice...maybe it wasn't such a good idea after all. It only made it worst. That feeling of loneliness. Since when did I depend on her so badly? I crossed my arms in front of me as I stopped in front of a clothing store, wondering if I wanted to do some shopping just for the heck of it. Haruka already thought I bought too many things...but Haruka wasn't here to tell me not to. I tilted my head thoughtfully before walking into the store. Her voice had sounded fine. She did seem like she was taking good care of herself...and I was glad...
Yet why was I so...melancholy all of a sudden?
I hated it. That flaring guilt of realization when I noticed that I was being so ridiculously selfish. I was sad because she was alright? What type of girlfriend was I? I rummaged through a rack of clothing, not really seeing the items on the hangers, just a blur of colour, a flash of sequins. No, I was sad because she could live so utterly fine without me while I seemed so listless without her. She was strong. I was weak. Wasn't I?
My hand paused on an item of clothing, a thin, pink cotton jacket that was short in its length and would seemingly look wonderful on top of a lacy tank top or something of that sort...but my mind really wasn't into fashion at the moment. As I looked up and through the large store windows, I was only half dazed when a blur of black whipped by and two large familiar eyes that caught my gaze for a fraction of a second rushed by.
Hotaru?
I felt my hand leave the rack and I was already starting out the door, the chimes hanging above it jingling in my wake as I stared after her running figure. Behind me, I heard a man shouting, cursing, before stopping a few feet in front of me with his face red and sweaty, his breathing coming in irregular pants. He cursed again, scowled, and screamed as if out of desperation, "If I catch you stealing from my store again, I'm going to call the damn police!"
He raised a fist and turned to go back the way he had come. I didn't let his words process in my mind for my feet were already trying to gain speed and catch up to the running girl. I could see her in the distance, squeezing her thin, little frame through people casually strolling along the sidewalk. I nearly crashed headlong into a little boy but finally managed to dart around him, muttering a hasty word of apology before running around the corner where Hotaru had disappeared.
Empty. The street was empty. I looked around and wondered if I had imagined the whole thing. Just as I was about to give up and really decide that my imagination was going wild, a tentative voice spoke out from behind me.
"Kaioh-san?"
I spun around and saw the little girl I had been chasing. There stood Hotaru, kicking at her own feet again and holding a bag of apples in one hand. Her cheeks were flushed and her chest was heaving from her recent running escapade. I breathed out a sigh of relief and walked towards her, peering at her in question. "Why were you running away from that man?" I asked gently, though the man's words finally hit me and I realized what had happened even before Hotaru looked away guiltily.
She made no reply and stubbornly kept her lips sealed.
I decided to take a different approach. "Didn't I tell you to call me Michiru, Hotaru?"
She finally looked at me and nodded slowly. "Hai, Michiru...I...I was running because," she looked away again and swung the bags of apples in her hand. "Because..."
"Were you hungry?" I offered softly.
She nodded fervently, catching my gaze again, her eyes wide as if surprised that I had guessed correctly. I felt my heart reach for her and I carefully took one of her hands in mine, not caring if they were slightly dirty from whatever it was she had been digging through. "You never did tell me...why you're not with your papa."
"I don't like him," she muttered loudly and squeezed my hand. "He's a big meanie. I rather stay with you."
"Really?" A small smile graced my lips as an idea started to form in my mind. We started walking down the street hand in hand, all the while not talking about the previous incident concerning the stolen apples and the red-faced man. I stopped walking suddenly, forcing Hotaru to stop short just beside me. She turned her dark head towards me with questioning eyes.
"Hotaru," I began carefully. "What would you say...if I asked you to come stay with me?"
She stared, her eyes widening again until she bit her sleeve. "Stay with you?" She echoed quietly.
I nodded, "I live with two very special people...well, one of them is away at the moment...but they're both very, very nice. We live in a very big mansion in the suburbs and there's a lot of trees and grass and endless fields...it's very nice there."
She seemed to contemplate over my words before a wide, childish smile lit her face and made her pale face glow. My heart warmed at the sight of her and she giggled soundly, "Can I really come with you, Michiru? Can I? Won't your two friends mind? What if they don't like me? What if I don't like them? Is it really big? Will I get lost?"
I giggled at her numerous questions and for the first time in a few days, all thoughts of Haruka left my mind as my thoughts ran full speed at the sudden difference Hotaru would make to our daily lives. There would be a child in the house...someone to care for...I always loved the idea of taking care of children. I could picture Setsuna staring critically at her if she were to scribble on the walls...and I could imagine Haruka laughing and teasing the little child senseless...but my mind quickly thought elsewhere. Haruka. I could think of her later. She already filled my dreams enough, I didn't need her to float around in my waking hours when she wasn't even in the same country.
"They'll adore you," I assured. "And you won't get lost, I'll be there to show you around...we can even prepare you your own room...and you won't have to eat apples all day," I nodded at her bag and she smiled wider.
"I...I use to live in a big, big house too," Hotaru added thoughtfully before her smile fell and her brow creased, giving her an awfully serious expression. "But I hated it. It was so big and empty...and really, really dark."
Something inside of me flickered at her words. They sounded almost too familiar, strangely as if those same words had left my very own mouth or something along those lines. I found myself nodding gravely in every bit of understanding I could possess. "I know what you mean. Big houses are always empty no matter how many people are in it, especially when they're uncaring and selfish. It's the heart of the people living in it...that counts. The feelings contained by everyone in it..." I plastered a smile onto my face. "Even though there are only three of us living in that mansion I just told you about, it's the warmest place I have ever lived in. The only place that ever felt like home...really, the people inside are what make things count..." I added thoughtfully, looking down at Hotaru who was blinking up at me with those beautiful violet eyes of hers.
The seriousness of the atmosphere around us was abruptly broken though, when a loud, prolonged growl issued from Hotaru's small, little form. I smiled understandingly while she blushed as if apples were on her cheeks. "Gomen," she mumbled.
"I almost forgot that you were hungry," I confessed and nodded towards a nearby diner. "Why don't we go for a bit of late lunch?"
"I don't have any money," Hotaru muttered glumly.
I laughed lightly, "Silly girl. It's on me."
She looked at me in surprise. "But that's not polite. I shouldn't...mama taught me before...that it's not nice..."
"It's perfectly normal," I insisted, "especially if you're coming to live with us. You'll be part of the family."
"...Part of the family," she repeated as if liking the sound of the words to her ears. Finally, she beamed and nodded, taking hold of my hand again and was now leading the way. "So that means I can call you Michiru-mama! Because we're like family, neh?"
It was my turn to look at her in surprise, but I couldn't resist the utter cuteness of the title and found my cheeks feeling slightly hot. Michiru-mama. I laughed mentally and could only nod, allowing her to address me so. I finally allowed my thoughts to run back to Haruka again and a smile spread on my face as I pictured her reaction. What would she say? She would probably tease me...saying that the maternal side of me was finally allowed to shine through.
"Michiru-mama! Hurry up!"
I laughed, this time out loud, as I hurried after Hotaru who had let go of my hand and was already running up towards the diner. She was already holding open the door for me when I got there and when I did, immediately took hold of my hand again. I smiled down at her and decided that this really could work out...Hotaru and I- I being Michiru-mama...and maybe I could even persuade Setsuna to take on a similar title...maybe even Haruka.
By the time I had driven us back home, Setsuna was already in the kitchen attempting to prepare dinner, though that was usually my chore when I wasn't running as late as I was today. As she heard us creeping through the door, she popped her dark head out and immediately nodded towards the telephone. My heart leapt involuntarily. Did Haruka call? Yet Setsuna seemed to read my mind and shook her head, somewhat apologetically.
"Some woman who didn't leave her name...she seemed a bit edgy when I told her you were out," Setsuna explained and finally, her ruby eyes landed on the tinier form of Hotaru who was standing shyly by my leg. "Oh, you must be Hotaru-chan, the little girl that models for Michiru," Setsuna realized out loud as she placed a kind smile on her face. "I'm just finishing off with dinner. Are you going to stay and eat with us?"
"She definitely is. In fact, she's going to stay for a very long time," I answered for the six-year-old and slipped out of my shoes, guiding Hotaru into the kitchen by her shoulders. Setsuna did not seem at all surprised by my words, knowing that I was very fond of Hotaru from all the times I had mentioned the girl's name at home. I still didn't know too much about her, except for the fact that she was homeless, or rather, refused to go home, and was an exceptional model and adorable little girl who had grown attached to me. "Mmm, I think I smell the distinct odor of TV dinners in the microwave."
Setsuna scowled and threw off her apron, slightly miffed by my words. "You know I only do coffee. Anything more complicated is simply unnecessary."
"That seems like something Haruka would say," I mused out loud and stowed my purse away in a corner and helped Setsuna set the table. I wasn't feeling particularly hungry and decided to leave Setsuna and Hotaru alone for some bonding time. I was more curious about the woman with the edgy voice who had called and proceeded to the telephone and checked the caller ID. The screen flared a distasteful green as the words "Unknown" flashed across the screen, followed by a set of numbers that looked distinctly familiar...
My eyes widened ever so slightly as my eyes darted across the tiny screen again. I had to be seeing things...but the number wasn't about to change anytime soon and I had already blinked enough times to confirm the fact that I was very much awake and focused. I placed my thumb numbly over the redial button and paused. Maybe...maybe this was just a mistake? But Setsuna had said that the woman had asked for me...so it couldn't have been a misdial. A million thoughts scampered through my mind as I finally scrounged up the courage to hit the button, the loud, jabbing sound of telephone numbers ringing sharply into my ear.
One ring.
Two rings.
Three rings--
"Hello?"
My breath caught slightly.
"Hello?" The voice repeated, slightly impatient now. The voice was a bit hoarse, not as smooth as my memories recalled but much more pleasant than the last time I had heard it.
I swallowed thickly and finally spoke up.
"Mother?'
Silence.
She was clearing her throat, I could almost see her raising her delicate eyebrow in confusion, wondering why her failure of a daughter was calling. But then again, she had called me first, hadn't she? Maybe it had been a miscall. "Michiru," she stated matter-of-factly, no affection, no feeling whatsoever behind her voice except for that general air of distaste again. I cringed as much as I could allow myself to and took a quick breath, scolding myself silly for acting so strangely when I was only talking to my own mother on the phone.
"Um, Setsuna-chan said you called?"
"Set- who?" My mother seemed thoroughly confused but immediately dismissed my words, a strange sound coming from the other end as I could almost feel her frown in annoyance. "Never mind, Michiru. I did call, and...and it's only because I have to tell you a few things that are necessary for you to know."
Such a business-like tone, nothing short of the mother I remembered. Always curt, always formal when it came to things she wanted done and over with. I felt my spirits sinking again. And I was her daughter, another thing, another bothersome being out there that she wanted to be done and over with. But her words confused me. What did she have to tell me? It wasn't like there was anything going on between us anymore...
"What is it?" I forced myself to ask, faking curiousity.
"It's about your father," she revealed, finally the slightest bit of feeling behind her voice. I could suddenly sense the weariness, an air of defeat in her usually superior and confident voice. My grip on the telephone tightened and I was suddenly worried. "Your father...your father passed away a month ago, Michiru," she paused, and decided to add, as if it were only out of formality, a quick, "I'm sorry."
I felt the air leave my lungs. My mind surfaced to a blank and I could only stare at the wall in front of me where a small painting of a rose garden that I had done last fall was hanging. My eyes didn't really focus on the petals, or the hues of red and pink, but only on some sort of object so I wouldn't go completely unfocused and delirious. Finally, my voice broke into a raspy, "What?"
Mother heaved a sigh over the phone. A short, hoarse sound to my ears. "Leukemia. It was leukemia. It runs in his side of the family anyway...it wasn't too much of a surprise," her voice trailed off, unfeeling, unfazed again, but I could somehow see through it anyway. It hadn't been expected, she had been thrown off her feet...I could tell. I could tell father's death had surprised her. Why was she trying to lie? And why...why hadn't she turned to me earlier? Was I that unacceptable as a daughter? As a relative? As someone part of the family? My knuckles turned white from my tight grip around the phone.
"Why didn't you call earlier?" I found myself asking, unable to mask the tone of accusation in my voice. "And what about...what about a service? His funeral? How come no one ever...I never knew...no one told me...I...I never said good-bye," I finally pieced together, suddenly at lost for words as realization sunk pitifully in my stomach. I opened my mouth again but no more words came out. I simply stared ahead.
"I...I forgot," my mother replied lamely.
I felt a pang to my heart and felt I could nearly stumble over at her words. She forgot. She forgot to tell her husband's only daughter about his death. She forgot. She forgot about her daughter, her once "prized pearl" and stunning little girl that she showed off like the latest Prada bag. I took a breath and felt it shake in my suddenly hollow insides.
"It was hectic back at home...no one to look after the office or the record company...it's difficult, trying to juggle both without your father," she trailed off again. I found myself frowning uncontrollably. Did I want to cry? I couldn't feel the prickle in my eyes though, and I could only listen to my mother's random and abundant excuses that would never make up for the fact that she simply neglected her daughter at such an important time. Then again, I wasn't really her daughter anymore. Her daughter was the little girl who sat at home all day, violin in hand, wearing pretty dresses with lace trimming. Her daughter was the little girl who nodded her head and said 'thank you' when told so, bowed her head respectfully to old people she didn't even know the names of.
"It got busy, that's what I mean," she continued, stuttering. "And by the time I finally managed to call...a month had already gone by..."
I couldn't reply.
Finally, she continued again, though this time, her voice slightly heavier, more certain, "But then again...you haven't been around much, Michiru...it's only natural that it simply slipped my mind--"
"Are you blaming me? For you simply...simply forgetting to tell me about father's death?" I cut in sharply, once again having difficulty keeping my voice polite and composed, though I felt like I was doing quite a good job of it. "Mother, I don't think there is any excuse other than the fact that you merely didn't want to tell me at all."
I could almost see the frown wrinkles deepening on my mother's usually smooth and youthful face as she replied quite sternly, "I don't know what you're trying to say, Michiru, but I only called to tell you what I thought necessary. And the point is that your father is gone--"
"Did he...did he ask to see me?" I interrupted out of the blue, mind already miles away from my current location in the living room, telephone propped to one ear and breath coming in irregular patterns.
A pause, that silence again. I swallowed once more and counted to six before mother answered a quick, "A few times. He wasn't really awake."
My shoulders sagged. What on earth was happening? It was all so surreal...father? Strong, domineering father? The one who was always the last to fall in my childhood memories? The one who was always so tall and strong, so magnificent to my little blue eyes when I was only five? The only one who had somewhat accepted Haruka and I? I bit my lip, keeping it from trembling even the slightest bit.
"Thank you for telling me," I responded mechanically, adopting mother's monotone voice.
She didn't answer, and I was glad. If she had said 'You're welcome', I would have felt sick. The conversation was much too simple, much too formal to have been a conversation between mother and daughter concerning a father's death. I felt myself mentally shuddering and decided that I was indeed feeling sick.
"Well, someone's trying to call in again. I think it might be Mrs. Etsuko."
"Oh...okay," I managed, still feeling quite dazed.
"Then...good-bye, Michiru."
"...Good-bye...okaa-san."
Silence, then a brief sound, as if she wanted to say more, but finally, silence again and the deafening 'click' of her hanging up. I slowly placed the phone back in its holder and turned to lean against the white painted wall, eyes stiff and unable to blink.
"Michiru?"
Setsuna had appeared in the doorway, a soapy sponge in one hand. I quickly assumed they had finished dinner and was onto dishes, but that all seemed awfully trivial. Father was gone. It was strange. In a way, my life didn't seem affected. I hadn't depended on father. Father hadn't been a part of my life. But still, as my life continued to speed by, the reality of it all was still there. Father was gone. I wasn't going to pick up the phone and press redial only to hear his voice on the other end. He wasn't going to pick up anymore.
Strange. That feeling of bottomless lost...it was difficult to grasp.
"Was that the woman who called earlier?"
I nodded shortly, leaving the comfort zone of the wall to walk into the kitchen. Hotaru had scampered out of her seat to play with the fridge magnets. I shifted my gaze to the fruit bowl and automatically grabbed an apple, running it under some tap water before taking a small bite out of it. I looked around the kitchen again, unable to focus on one spot only. Why was I so jumpy? So...so shaken?
"I think I'm going to go for a swim," my voice sounded alien to my own ears, but the idea seemed awfully appealing. I was probably annoying Setsuna out of her mind by not answering her question or telling her exactly who it was. Yet...I couldn't really figure out why my mind seemed quite senseless at the moment. I was already heading towards the back door until I felt Hotaru running after me. She tugged on my arm.
"I want to go too!"
"You don't have a bathing suit, Hotaru-chan," I reminded her gently.
She frowned in disappointment and my heart fluttered. "Well, we can go get you one tomorrow and you can swim all you want from then on. And maybe we'll even do more clothes shopping and buy some pretty clips for your hair. How does that sound?"
She beamed up at me and nodded, starting to turn back to the kitchen again. "Setsuna-mama says she's going to read a book about planets to me!" With that simple explanation, she disappeared again and I could only smile warily. Setsuna-mama. That sounded nice. I stopped at the edge of the pool and suddenly realized I wasn't exactly dressed for swimming.
I looked back at the house and sighed heavily. The thought of walking up stairs and entering a room that smelt half like Haruka suddenly didn't seem all that inviting. And only to get a flimsy piece of cloth that served to be a bathing suit. Pulling off my jacket, I looked down at my thin knee-length summer dress and could hardly care less if the chlorine did any harm to it. It simply seemed quite trivial to think about such things when I felt this uncontrollable urge to just submerge myself in water.
And so, I took a step off the edge and felt myself plunging in, the icy cool liquid freezing all thoughts and worries for one blissful moment before my body adjusted to the sudden change in temperature and everything came throttling back again. I stayed near the bottom of the pool for as long as my lungs could take before I surfaced, letting my aqua head bob out of the water reluctantly when my body screamed for air.
Maybe it wasn't just the fact that father was gone...maybe it was just because mother had seemed so detached, so uncaring...or maybe it was none of this and I was simply missing Haruka too much.
Or maybe it was all of that.
I didn't even know anymore.
I didn't have a home with mother anymore. Yet didn't I understand that long ago, when I had turned my back away from that large, empty mansion? And consequently, I suddenly didn't really have a home here either...because home was Haruka, and Haruka was far...far...far away. I smiled, a sad smile, as I floated on my back, the thin fabric of the summer dress coming out in wispy waves of cloth around me. I was being such an idiot.
The wind blew.
I opened my eyes abruptly, wide, and alert.
"Haruka?"
I looked around. No one.
I laughed, softly, under my breath. Perhaps I was losing it. Of course Haruka wasn't here. Haruka was in America, having the time of her life. Life. Life, something my father didn't have anymore. So brief...so sudden...it made me feel frightened. I swam towards the edge of the pool again to where I had discarded my jacket quite carelessly. A sleeve was dangling into the pool, soaked through, but I didn't care.
I reached into a pocket, rummaging for the familiar, small bulk of my cell phone. I didn't really care if I was dampening its smooth surface. I hit speed dial, wishing, hoping, yearning just to hear Haruka's voice...but somehow, when she didn't pick up, I wasn't all that surprised. There was no sinking feeling of disappointment. That had long passed. Only an unsettling feeling of acceptance spread throughout my tired body as I waited for the 'beep' to leave a message.
"Haruka? It's Michiru...again," I laughed softly into the phone. "What are you doing all day? I hope you realize that excessive flirting isn't really good for your health," I mumbled, not sure where I was going with all this rubbish and forced teasing. "I brought Hotaru home today. You know, the sad little girl, as you deem her? She's really sweet though...you'd love her. She calls us, being Setsuna and I, mama now. It's really adorable. And well..." I paused abruptly. I was almost going to mention my mother calling, but suddenly decided against it. What could Haruka do about it anyway? Even if she was here? I sighed softly, hoping the phone wouldn't pick it up. "Call me if you have time, okay? I'm keeping myself busy though, so don't worry. I'm not wasting away on the couch...well, I better go check on Hotaru now. I hope Setsuna isn't boring Hotaru-chan to death."
And suddenly, I didn't know how to end the silly message. Good-bye? Good-night? Love you? Miss you? Call me soon? Call me now ?
Everything just didn't seem to fit, for nothing, no words, nothing tangible, could describe the emotions strangling my soul as I sat here, alone and shivering, on the edge of the pool.
AN: I'm writing a lot slower than I thought I would be...grah, and it's summer too. I'm sorry everyone, I'm going to try and pick up the pace of this story A-SAP so you all don't get so bored reading this. Once again, reviews are loved and adored :)