Family Portrait
A/N: I know it's been a while but I just thought up this idea as to what's going to happen next. I promise the readers of 'Tale Untold' that I'll continue that story very, very soon. In fact I've already started the next chapter. So, never fear you will get more of that story soon.
Chapter 10 Wanting
Rory Gilmore was exhausted. In between stressing over leaving Jess with Liza and her classes Rory had to deal with Paris' incessant reminders of their presentation at the end of the day. She felt like she was back at high school, almost. Now, she stood at the front of her class as Paris finished their presentation. Rory's fellow students clapped politely before their hands began to rise up with arguments to their speech. This was something Rory loved most about. Everyone was always eager to share his or her serious opinion on subjects. But today Rory just wanted to go home and relieve Jess of his fatherly duties.
It wasn't that Jess had sounded distressed on the phone when she had checked up on him. Even if he had been Rory knew that Jess would never let on that he was. He was good at hiding his emotions. That was one thing Rory was sure hadn't changed about him. It was more the fact that Jess was in her apartment with her daughter that made Rory want to rush home.
Maybe she wanted to walk in and catch them in a father/daughter moment. That maybe if she walked into her apartment and saw them together she could pretend for one second that they were a family. She wanted to see Jess. See how he interacted with Liza after spending a whole day with her. Rory wanted to stand there in her apartment and for one-second make-believe that she was not a twenty-two year old single mother.
Paris Gellar nudged Rory then, making her forget for the moment about Jess and Liza and answer one of the student's questions about her section of the speech. The whole time she could feel Paris' eyes watching her, trying to see into her mind and figure out what she was thinking and feeling so she could run off and report to Lane and Lorelai. It was something that Rory had been noticing since she had woken up that morning. Paris was keeping a closer eye on her than Rory would've liked. They were waiting for her to break.
She knew it was coming too. The incident at Gas Station was nothing compared to what Rory knew could happen. She had had a melt down, yes. She had fallen to the floor of a Gas Station and allowed Tristan DuGray to comfort her, to drive her home. But that was just the beginning. Rory could feel what was coming. She dreaded what was coming. Jess was back in her life. He was the father of her child, her one true love and he was dating someone else. She would have to see him often now. See her. She could feel everything slowly unraveling. She was sad, hurt, but that was it. Rory was not depressed. She was happy with her life, she didn't need to see a psychiatrist or be on Prozac. She needed to move on.
So, as Paris looked after her, keeping her mother and best friend posted on her emotional state Rory began to prepare mentally for the worst. It wasn't that she wanted to break down. She just needed to. Get all the pain and hurt out of her system. As Jess took care of their daughter, Rory tried to pin point what had made her the way she was. Was it Jess' fault? Giving in so easily when she pushed him away. Was it that he had gone and never even tried to argue? Or was it her fault? Pushing him away. She couldn't remember when the sudden fits of unhappiness started.
She was not depressed.
She couldn't be. Depression was a chemical defect. Something than ran in the family. She had read Elizabeth Wurtzel's Prozac Nation. She knew the symptoms of Depression. She had even been to a psychiatrist without letting anyone else know. As far as any doctor could tell she was fine. Her family had no history of mental or emotional problems. It was just her. She was just unhappy with some aspects of her life. Her marital status being the main thing.
Rory loved her daughter to death. When she was with Liza the whole world seemed to brighten. During classes at Yale Rory felt at home, she was smart and had friends she loved everything about college. It was just in those moments when she crawled into her double bed and there was no one there next to her to keep her warm. Or the nights that Paris and Jamie went out on a date and Rory was left to sit alone on the couch and flick through the channels on television or watch a movie. It was the aspect of being alone that made Rory unhappy. The aspect of not having a boyfriend, a fiancé or a husband.
The dating scene wasn't really something Rory was able to be actively involved in. Men who she met in public places usually were scared off as soon as Liza came running to Rory calling her 'mommy' and the others she actually went out on a date with she was usually too preoccupied with her motherly duties to get to know. Either way, she hardly ever went out with the same guy twice. It was something about the responsibility that came with dating a single mother that no one seemed up to take.
Tristan did though. Tristan had given Rory his number after he had met Liza. He had surprised Rory in many ways since she had met up with him in the grocery store. Starting with how he had given her his number. How he had effortlessly allowed her to cry on his shoulder at the gas station and then taken her home. How he had spent the night and had been civil with Jess. Rory had known Tristan to be an insensitive jerk in high school. He had changed. Somewhat at least, Rory could tell that there was still a lot of the old Tristan there.
Yet the black void that was Jess would always prevent her from being anything more than friends with Tristan or any other guy for that matter. She was always comparing them to Jess. She wanted the banter, the discussions over books, the feeling she felt every time she was anywhere near him, and the feeling of his warm lips on own. No one seemed to be able to give her everything that Jess had. Not one guy could compare in Rory's mind.
Class was over. Rory had lost track of time and the class was slowly filing out of the room, Paris standing in front of her with a look of concern. Rory sighed and gathered up her things, ignoring Paris. But her roommate and one of her best friends would not let her go without some sort of explanation for her distant behavior throughout the class. "What?" Rory turned to Paris, who was still watching Rory's every movement.
"Where'd you go Gilmore?" Paris asked, "One minute you were answering a question and the next you were standing there like a zombie. I had to answer three other questions directed to your section of the speech."
"I'm sorry Paris," Rory grumbled, heading up the stairs of the lecture room and out into the hall. Her lap top bag slung over her shoulder and textbooks gripped in her arms.
"Sorry? Gilmore, you've been like this all day," Paris pointed out, "What is with you?"
"Nothing," Rory assured Paris, "You and Jamie are going to drop me off at the apartment right?"
"It's about Jess isn't it?" Paris accused, ignoring Rory's changing of subjects.
"It's nothing," Rory repeated, looking Paris straight in the eyes, "Now, can we just go meet Jamie now?"
"Fine," Paris relented, "But this isn't over."
"It is," Rory stated, "Nothing's wrong. I'm fine, okay! I just zoned out that's all." Paris shrugged, remaining silent but Rory could tell that she didn't believe a word she has just said.
Instead on continuing with the concerned friend act Paris just walked alongside Rory to Jamie's car. Jamie looked between the two, surprised that they were not arguing or even talking for that matter. For Paris and Rory to not be debating something, something big must've happened. "What's up with you two?" Jamie asked, as the two slid into the car.
"Nothing," Paris muttered, "How was the interview?"
"It was good," Jamie announced, "I'll hear from them by the end of the week on whether I got the job or not. I'm almost sure I got it."
"Congratulations," Rory commended, forcing a smile.
"Thanks," Jamie nodded, as he pulled away from Yale and headed towards their apartment.
The rest of the drive was silent and uneventful. Jamie glanced at Paris every few minutes, who in turn kept a constant watch on Rory through the rear view mirror. When they pulled into the front of the apartment Rory was more than eager to get out of the car. She thanked Jamie for the lift and waved goodbye to Paris and walked hurriedly into the apartment.
Nodding hello to her neighbor, Mrs. Aberman, Rory slid her apartment key into the lock and then opened the door. Stepping into the apartment Rory felt flooded with relief. Forgetting for a second that Jess somewhere in the apartment Rory dropped her bag and tossed her books onto the coffee table heading to the kitchen to grab a snack. It had been a long day.
Remembering why she had been stressed for most of the day Rory stopped and looked around the apartment from the kitchen while taking a bite of her chocolate bar. For a apartment that held two collegians, a college graduate and a four year old it was unusually silent. Jess and Liza were no where in sight. Rory furrowed her eyebrows and walked out of the kitchen and towards the bedroom, listening carefully for any noise in the apartment. Nothing. "Liza?" she called out, "Jess?"
No answer.
"Anybody home?" she tested.
There was no answer again.
Rory was beginning to worry slightly now. Could Jess have taken Liza out somewhere? She headed back to the living room and then the kitchen checking for a note indicating that Jess could've gone on a drive with Liza. There was nothing. Deciding that she would be better off checking the bedrooms Rory headed back to the hall she had just left. Upon opening the door to Liza's room what Rory saw made her miss a breath.
It was an image that Rory knew she would carry with her until the end of time. Jess, the cynical monosyllabic bad boy from New York she had met when he moved in with his uncle what seemed like centuries ago, was sleeping on Liza's bed with his daughter and a book by his side. The father/daughter duo looked so peaceful then. For a second you could forget what a dysfunctional family they actually were. Rory had gotten what she hoped for. A moment where she could stand in the entrance to her daughter's room and pretend that the past four years had been a dream. That she had told Jess she had been pregnant, that they had gotten married and were happily raising their daughter together.
Instead of making Rory happy at this picture, it filled her with sadness. She couldn't pretend. She didn't want to. Jess was the father of her child, yes. But in his mind he had only become a father two days before. Jess had a different life now. He lived in New York, went to college, and had a girlfriend who he seemed to truly care for. They were miles apart and the only thing that seemed to connect them still was Liza. Rory loved him with all her heart but she feared that what in making the choices she had she had prevented them from every really being a family.
They were still young. Jess and Kate could break up some day. But would they ever have the perfect timing again. When he had wanted her she had been with Dean, when she had wanted him he had been with Shane. Then, things had turned around for them. They had gotten together and had a relationship. And then? Then Rory had gotten pregnant. She had sabotaged her relationship with Jess for her child. For Jess and for herself as well. What good had that done for her? She was single and staring in at the love of her life knowing that she couldn't have him no matter how much she wanted him.
Rory sighed and walked over to the bed. She leaned over and nudged Jess with her hand. She was home now and there was no reason not to relieve Jess from babysitting. Jess' eyelids fluttered awake and he turned to see look at Rory. Managing a small smile Rory muttered a greeting, "Hey."
"Hey," Jess mimicked, slowly getting out of the bed without disturbing Liza.
"How'd it go?" Rory asked.
"Fine," Jess responded.
"Really?" Rory inquired, "Don't tell Luke. He usually has to spend the whole day trying to bribe her out of hiding."
"Huh," Jess grunted, "Well, it was fine."
"Good," Rory nodded, and then with a small smile added, "How'd you bribe her out?"
"Chocolate," Jess replied, "And a story."
"Thanks so much for this," Rory put in, as they walked towards the door, "I really appreciate it."
"Any time," Jess shrugged, "I think I might be getting the hang of it. Almost."
"I think I am too," Rory admitted, "Some days it's really hard, but others…"
Jess nodded and opened the door, leaving, "Uh, Ror, I want to tell Kate about all this…"
"Oh."
"Yeah, and I was wondering if maybe I could take her to Stars Hollow Saturday to tell her," Jess shifted in his place. This had obviously been hard for him to say.
"Oh," Rory began to shift uncomfortably as well, "Sure. Just let me know when."
"Alright," Jess nodded slowly, "Bye."
"Bye," Rory waved as she closed the door behind Jess. Then, Rory crumpled against the closed door. Just sitting there, not crying or screaming but sitting.
The telephone rang loudly through the apartment and Rory got up to retrieve it. "Hello?"
"Rory! Darling! How'd it go?" Lorelai chirped into the phone.
"He said it went fine," Rory told her mother, "I came in and they were both asleep. Liza still is. But, mom, he wants to take her Saturday to tell Kate about who she is."
"Oh, Rory," Lorelai cooed, "Honey, are you alright?"
"Yeah," Rory lied.
"Do you need to wallow?" Lorelai asked, "Cause I could be there in an hour with pizza, ice cream, and Love Story."
"I don't need to wallow mom," Rory sighed, "I'm fine."
"Do you have classes tomorrow?" Lorelai wanted to know.
"No," Rory replied, confused as to what that had to do with Jess and Liza.
"Okay, them promise me that you'll let Paris and Jamie take Liza for the day and you just have fun," Lorelai demanded, "Or wallow if you need to."
"Mom, we're not going through this again, I don't need to wallow," Rory assured her mother.
"Fine, fine," Lorelai relented, "Just a suggestion. I mean, remember what happened last time you didn't wallow?"
"Mom," Rory said warningly, "I'm fine! I'm not going to show up at you door at six in the morning with a list. And I'm not going to go to some party with Lane and kiss Tristan."
"Maybe you should," Lorelai suggested, "Kissing Tristan led you to wallowing."
"I'm not sixteen anymore," Rory reminded Lorelai, "I'm not dating Dean anymore, I don't go to Chilton and I have a four year old daughter to take care of."
"All the more reason to wallow and get it over with," Lorelai pointed out, "Come on Rory. I heard about what happened at the Gas Station. You need to wallow."
"Bye mom," Rory saluted, "I love you." Rory hung up the phone and leaned back on the couch. She reached over and grabbed the remote controller off the table and turned on the TV. She didn't flick the channels. She left the TV on whatever Soap Opera was on at that moment and dropped the remote on the couch next to her.
Liza got up then. Bouncing into the room and then into Rory's arms. Rory smiled at her daughter, "Hey there kid. Have a good day with Jess."
"Yes!" the four-year-old nodded enthusiastically. Liza slid off her mother's lap and onto the remote control. As the four-year-old pulled it out from underneath her she pressed the PLAY button and the characters on the screen changed into Rory, and Jess at New Years Eve four years ago.
"Geez Jess," she sighed, looking at him, "The Camera's not going to kill you." Jess muttered some comment under his breath but it was unheard but the camera. It was not unheard by Rory. "It's New Year's!" she exclaimed scolding, "It's the one day of the year you are allowed to not be a rebel."
"You said that about Christmas," Jess reminded her. Rory leaned in and kissed Jess lightly on the lips, to remind him why he was doing this. Jess wrapped his arms around Rory and deepened the kiss.
Rory quickly grabbed the remote and stopped the movie. Still staring in shock at the television. Jess had said he had watched a movie, but he hadn't said one thing to indicate that it had been this movie. A movie that Rory had kept hidden in the back of that drawer for the longest time, never putting it into the VCR.
"Mommy?" Liza looked up at her mother.
"Honey, did you and Jess watch this movie?" Rory asked.
"Yeah," Liza nodded, "Jess says dat when people are in love dey kiss like dat!"
"They do," Rory nodded.
"Den I asked him how come he doesn't kiss you like that," Liza told her mother, "Because doesn't he love you? And he said he didn't know. Mommy how can not know if you love someone? Mommy do you love Jess?"
"When you get older you'll understand," Rory sighed. And drew her daughter close to her, hugging her tightly as a tear finally escaped.
~*~*~*~*~*
(Meanwhile, at the Kim/Rygalski apartment.)
Lane got off the phone with Lorelai for the third time that day. Lorelai, Paris and Lane had been in constant contact with each other throughout the day; Paris giving them updates on Rory. Lane had finally caved and called Lorelai telling her about what had happened at the gas station with Rory. Lorelai hadn't taken it as Paris and Lane had thought she would.
The conversation that Lane and Lorelai had just finished had been about Rory as well. Paris had called to tell Lane about Rory's distant behavior throughout the day and then Lorelai had called Lane about a conversation she'd had with Rory. Things weren't looking good. Lane had been best friends with Rory since Kindergarten and other than Lorelai she knew Rory better than anyone. She had stood by Rory as she went through her relationship and break-up with Dean, her relationship with Jess and the pregnancy.
It's not that she doubted Rory's emotional state, or thought that she was clinically depressed. She just knew that her best friend had never fully gotten over Jess. Probably never would. Rory had had Jess' daughter. She had carried a piece of Jess inside of her for nine months and for the following four years had had to look at a constant reminder of what had happened to her life. Rory loved Liza more than anything else in the world. But at times Lane could see a flicker of sadness in her eyes when she looked at Liza's chocolate brown eyes that were the carbon copy of Jess' own.
And ever since she had seen Jess in Star's Hollow, had told him about his daughter things seemed to be worse for Rory. She had been happy before. She had smiled constantly around others, had been the Rory they had all known and loved. It was most likely the fact that Jess had moved on. Had gotten himself another life with another girlfriend that was making Rory like this. It was the fact that what little chance of ever having a family with him had vanished in front of her eyes.
Rory had told Lane about what had happened on the bridge between them, what had nearly happened. There had been something there, a spark of some sort and then they had nearly kissed. Rory had explained to her that in the moments before Jess pulled away that she had felt that that was the way things were supposed to be. That she and Jess would end up together after all. Then, all hope had been ripped away from her. Jess had a girlfriend and nothing could happen between them. Kate showed up the next day.
Lorelai had told Rory to wallow. Lane felt that she should as well. Lane and Lorelai remembered Rory's break-up with Dean as clear as day. The difference was that after Rory had pushed Jess out of her life she had just gone on with her life, her pregnancy, college and raising her child. She had never fully grasped the fact of that her and Jess were over. She had been too busy keeping her life together to openly morn. So, all that had been building up over the years was ready to come out with the sudden appearance of her ex-boyfriend and her child's father.
Lane cursed under her breath. She sounded like a psychiatrist. Of course that was probably her mother's fault, and Dave's as well. Her mother and boyfriend and formed a union to attack Lane on what she would be majoring in college. Her mother had been nagging her to become a doctor and Dave to choose a major. Dave and Mrs. Kim had found common ground on the subject of Lane's future. In the end they both won. Lane decided that she would major in Psychiatry with a minor in music. It was the one aspect of Lane's life that Mama Kim was ecstatic with.
So, Lane was on her way to becoming a Psychiatrist and sounding more and more like one each day. Analyzing ever detail of her friends' problems in her head. It was good practice for her. She didn't hate it, but she didn't love it. She was just doing to make her mother happy. The band was her life.
Dave entered the room then, a huge smile spread across his face. Lane looked up at her boyfriend, confused. Dave was up to something. She could tell from the sparkle in his eye. She didn't know what it could possibly be, but she had a feeling that she was about to find out. Dave approached her, leaning over and giving her a kiss.
"What are you up to?" Lane asked.
"I've been thinking," Dave began, "We've been together for five years now and I've never been happier in my entire life."
"Neither have I," Lane responded.
"Good, because I have something really important to ask you," Dave announced. He reached into his pocket and Lane held her breath. When Dave's hand reappeared again it held a small velvet box. Lane couldn't breathe or move as Dave slowly opened the box to reveal a beautiful engagement ring. Lane sat on the edge of her couch. "Lane Kim, will you marry me?"
"YES! YES! YES!" Lane shouted, wrapping her arms around Dave and kissing his face all over.
"Can I put the ring on?" Dave asked. Lane laughed and sat back down, holding her hand out for Dave as he slid the ring on her finger. Lane then immediately threw her arms around him again. Dave laughed, "I love you."
"I love you too," Lane smiled brightly, and then pulled away from him, "Oh my god! I have to call Rory and my mother and…oh my god! I'm getting married!"
Dave shook his head and sat back on the floor laughing as his fiancé jumped grabbed the phone and jumped around the apartment purely glowing in happiness. She never looked more beautiful than she did at that very moment, ever ounce of her purely happy.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~
(Back at Rory's apartment in New Haven.)
The phone rang menacingly as Rory took the oven-baked pizza out of the over. Liza sat coloring on the kitchen table, waiting for her dinner. Rory sighed and slid the hot pizza onto a plate and moved to grab the phone off the counter. "Hello?"
"RORY!" Lane Kim, her best friend, exclaimed excitedly.
"Lane!" Rory smiled upon hearing Lane's voice, Lane was always able to cheer her up, "What's going on?"
"You'll never believe what Dave just asked me!" Lane's voice was filled with happiness.
"That Elvis really isn't dead?" Rory tried.
"No," Lane responded, her happiness unfazed, "He asked me to marry him!"
"Oh my god!" Rory exclaimed, "Congratulations!"
"Thank you!" Lane squealed. Rory wished she could see Lane's face right now. Lane had been waiting for this day since she had Dave had gotten back together after their short break-up and moved into his apartment. Rory was happy for her best friend.
"Oh, god there's so much I have to do," Lane went on, "I mean, I have to call my mom and your mom and Dave and I have to talk about setting a date."
"Whoa, Lane, you just got engaged!" Rory tried to calm her friend down, "Forget about what you have to do and celebrate! You're getting married!"
"I know!" Lane squealed again, the happiness seeming only to rise in the perky Korean. "I'm getting married!"
"You should probably go and call Mama Kim to tell her the good news," Rory suggested.
"I don't know how good of news this'll be for her," Lane laughed, "I think she's still holding out that Dave and I break up and I marry a nice Korean boy."
"She likes Dave," Rory reminded her.
"No, she respects him," Lane corrected Rory.
"With Mama Kim it's the same thing," Rory sighed, "You better call my mom too. She'll be upset if you don't."
"I know," Lane replied, "Knowing Lorelai she'll probably insist I get to Stars Hallow so she could start on my dress."
"Momma!" Liza cried from the table, "I'm hungey!"
"I got to go Lane," Rory sighed, "Liza's hungry and my pizzas going to get cold soon. Congratulations!"
"Bye Rory!" Lane saluted before hanging up.
Rory turned back to her pizza, cutting the slices and bringing it to the table smiling. Lane, her best friend in the whole world, was going to get married to the love of her life. At least some things were going right in the world.