Got nothing to say, enjoy the chapter!

Chapter 3- Retardaphobia

The hover sped through the desert. Cait Sith and Nhadala headed for the airport nearby the camp. "So you say you fell into a bed?"

"Yeah."

"And ended up here."

"Yep."

"That's pretty far-fetched, but... then again, you're a talking cat. So who's this Hilda person?"

"The thing is, I don't know. It sounds like Vincent known about this lady for awhile."So, why did everyone look at me funny when I said 'Angra Mainyu'?"

"Well, the thing is, the Angra Mainyu was already defeated."

"By who?"

"The Gullwings, of course."

"The Gullwings? Who are they? A bunch of birds?"

"You really are from far away, aren't you? The Gullwings are a group of sphere hunters who-?"

"Sphere hunters?"

"Yes. See, we have spheres that we record pictures on, sort of. But there are spheres hidden in ruins all over the place. Our world's history is pretty vague, and a sphere could have anything on it that might change history as we know it."

"So the Gullwings are-"

"They're special sphere hunters. See, there was this giant machina called Vegnagun built in the center of the world. It was big enough to destroy the whole world. But the Gullwings went down there and killed it. So, they're sort of famous. Ah, here's the airport."

"Thanks, Nhadala. Where is it that you said Vincent wanted to go?"

"He said he wanted to go to a place called the Calm Lands."

"Do you know where it is?"

"Yeah, just get on this airship here and tell the pilot you want to go to the Calm Lands. From there, you're on your own."

"Okay, thanks."

"Hope you find your friend."

(meanwhile under Gainsborough City)

"Barret, you're sweating everywhere. Is it really that bad?"

"No, it's... it's good, it's just a little... phew... little hot in here."

Tifa patted his shoulder. "I know this is your first time facing your fear but it's good for you."

"Whoa, did you feel that?"

"It justed rocked, Barret, all subways do that, it's nothing to worry about."

"Well, well, well, you've sure come a long way from saving the world," chuckled a man from behind a newspaper. "Who ever would've know the great Barret Wallace was afraid of subway trains."

"Hey buddy you wanna take this outside?"

"We can't, you idiot. We're on a subway."

Tifa stood up. "You got a lot of nerve, dude! Who are you, anyway?"

"Oh you mean you really don't recognize my voice, do you? It's me... Professor Hojo."

They both gasped. "Hojo?" Tifa snatched the newspaper, then they both stepped back in shock. "Sephiroth!"

"Haha, tricked you again." He pulled on his hair, taking off the mask and revealing that he was...

"Aeris!"

"That's right."

"You're voice has really gotten deeper since last time we saw you..."

"Wrong again, you nitwits." He pulled off the mask again.

"Bart Simpson?"

"Eat my shorts, you're wrong again." He pulled off this mask. "It's me, Tifa!"

"Oh for God's sake already!" Tifa pulled off the Tifa mask to reveal Reno.

"Who are you for real?"

"I'm Reno, can't you see?"

"No you're not." Barret grabbed the hair and pulled. And he pulled and he pulled until he ripped a lock of hair right off his head.

"You happy now, you psycho? Now you know it's me, all right!"

Just then the train came to an abrupt stop. "What the hell?"

The intercom rang. "Uh, folks, we're having minor setbacks, if you'll just sit back and relax we'll have this all taken care of in a matter of no time. OH MY GOD WE'RE GONNA DIE! WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE MY FAMILY EVER AGAIN! OH MY GOD! ...ahem, sorry folks, I seem to have forgotten to turn off the intercom." Click.

Tifa forced a laugh. "A heh, a heh, well Barret look at it this way. It can't get any worse, right?" Just as she finished that sentence, an earthquake shook the train, and the tunnel collapsed, trapping it under tons of rock and cement.

"Um..."

"Now do you know why I'm afraid of the subway? Do you? DO YOU! This is exactly what my dreams are like! If we don't get out of here soon... I'm gonna... go... CRAZY! YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" He waved his gun arm around, scaring the other people in the car.

"Easy there, big guy," Reno said. "Just keep your cool, all right?"

(meanwhile)

Red, Yuffie, Cid, and Elena were waiting in front of their inn when a brown-haired girl approached them. "Are you the Highwinds."

"I'm Cid Highwind."

"I'll be your new guide today. My name's Selphie."

"It's good to meet you Selphie."

Yuffie beamed, shaking her hand. "That other guy was really annoying, I didn't like him one bit."

"Yeah, Zell can be like that sometimes."

"And he said he had a wife... is she real? If she is she's probably really ugly, or has three ears or black rotting teeth or something."

"Hm, well I guess I'll have to check up on my brushing then."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well, I, I, uh, I mean, I, I, I, I... Red?"

"Don't look at me!"

"Elena?"

"I didn't mind Zell at all."

"Don't even try to pin this on me ninja girl." Cid sighed. "Yuffie didn't mean what she said, can we just go now?"

"Okay, but you have to leave him here," she said, scratching Red behind the ear. "No pets allowed."

"I'm not a pet."

Selphie's eyes widened with shock. "Okay... shall... shall we go then?"

For day 3, they were going to explore some Ancient ruins deep... deep... deep in the forest. In 40 minutes, they all got out of the jeep.

"Um, sorry if my driving was a little bad..." Selphie apologized.

Elena, sitting on the ground with her head down, shook her head. "Don't worry about it, dear."

"Oh I can't hold it anymore..." Yuffie threw up a Venus flytrap. They watched the flytrap eat the puke, turn purple, fall down, and die.

Cid was the only one who wasn't sick to his stomach, and was still a bit dizzy. "You done over there, poison puke? Where are we, anyway? I don't see any ruins."

"Sorry, we have to continue on foot, this is as far as the jeep can go." Selphie retrieved a large machete from the back of the jeep and started into the brush, slashing through. "Shall we go?"

About 15 minutes into the expedition, Cid asked, "Do you know where we are?"

"Oh yeah, I do, don't worry. It should only take much longer now. Give or take..."

Yuffie, taking the rear, caught up to Cid. "Don't you think this is a bit suspicious?"

"What is?"

Well, on Tuesday, when Elena asked Zell where he was from, he hesitated and then didn't even answer. And then this Selphie, she's taking us off the trail, deep off the trail."

"...so?"

Red XIII, nearby, overheard them and caught up.

"So isn't this supposed to be an accredited company that you booked your vacation to?"

"Yeah, why?"

Red put in, "I thought that was strange too, if this is a popular attraction, shouldn't they at least make a trail for it?"

"You guys think too much, you know that?"

Yuffie spoke up, copying Elena's question. "So Selphie, where are you from?"

Selphie was silent for a moment, and then said, "I'm from around here."

"See, she's a local."

Red shook his head. "I'm not sure, sounds like she just made that up just now."

Just about then, they came to a clearing. In the middle was a large grey stone temple. "Well, this is it," Selphie said. Near the temple, there were large stone pieces that had fallen and lay strewn around temple sight. They came to a spot near the wall of the massive building. "You guys wait here, I have to make a call." She retrieved a cell phone from her pocket, dialing a number, and walking away, stepping behind some large stone pieces.

Yuffie and Red looked at each other, and then to Cid. "What? What are you thinking?"

Yuffie walked towards the large stone piece that was about fifty yards away, that Selphie was behind. "I'm checking this out."

"Yuffie," Cid called after her. "Yuffie!"

Elena asked, "What's she doing?"

"Being a paranoid idiot." He sighed. "Let her go be a freak if she wants. Oh no not you too, Red!"

But sure enough Red followed her, bounding up to the rock slab that they were concealed behind. They heard Selphie talking.

"...not competely sure about it, though. Yeah... mhm... yeah, so where is it once we go inside? Okay. But are you sure he's the right one? He doesn't seem to me like the one you're thinking of... he's just a poor old guy now."

"Who are you calling old?"

Yuffie and Red both jumped as they turned around to see Cid and Elena behind them. "Shh!" Everything was silent.

"Okay Squall, if you say so. I'll talk to you later then... all right."

They all dashed back to the spot were Selphie told them to wait. As she approached them, they noticed that she did not seem to notice that they were spying on her.

"So, shall we enter?" She began to walk towards the corner. Suddenly, Cid came from behind and grabbed her wrists, immobilizing her. "You've got some explaining to do, little missy."

"What is this!" She thrashed wildly with no prevail. "We heard what you were saying on the phone," Yuffie said in an interrogative tone.

"Calling me old... pfft."

"What did you hear?"

"It sounds like you're planning to do something bad to Cid," Yuffie said, standing face-to-face with Selphie. "You know, I knew it'd come about sooner or later."

"What?"

"Shinra can and will never die. Even when we kill off their whole syndicate, I knew they would regroup somehow. You work for Shinra, don't you? You're an assassin, aren't you?"

"No, no, it's nothing like that!"

"Come to think about it, we got this vacation for free. I won it in a sweepstakes I didn't even know I entered."

"I can explain, I can explain! I have no idea what you're talking about, but I'll explain everything!"

(meanwhile)

The Calm Lands. Boy, was it calm. And the land... lots of land. Just plains and plains stretched as far as the eye could see. What a boring old countryside, Cait thought to himself. He studied the piece of paper the pilot gave him to get to the information booth. He was dropped off in a city called Bevelle. From there he was to go through the Macalania Gate and turn left onto a path. It would lead out onto a platform in the side of a massive cliff where the information booth was held. Of course, it was just a stand set up in the middle of nowhere. But it was Cait's only chance. He approached it. "Hi, I was wondering if you could answer some questions for me."

"Sure, what can I do you for?"

Ugh, it's a hick. "Did a man in a red cape come by here recently?"

"A man in a red cape... sounds like something you'd remember."

"Do you?"

"Not a clue."

"Do you know anyone named Hilda?"

"Hilda... Hilda Bouregarde?"

"I... I guess, why, do you know her?"

"Sorry, don't know anyone by that name."

"Oh... well, thanks anyway." You stupid hick. He began to walk away with no idea what to do next.

"Wait a second!" a voice from behind shouted. He turned around as a man bounded up to him. "I overheard you... this red cape man, what's his name?"

"Vincent, Vincent Valentine."

"I see. Come with me, then. By the way, my name's Clasko."

"Cait Sith. NIce to meet you."

Cait Sith followed him to a nook where a building was built into the cliff. He followed him into a door which opened up to what looked like a house. "He's a very quiet person," Clasko stated. "He seemed a bit suspicious to me at first, but then Lady Yuna came to meet him... rather a friend of Lady Yuna's."

"Lady Yuna? Oh... one of the Gullwings, right? The leader, isn't she?"

"Well, that's what lots of people think. Technically, the leader is her psycho cousin who has a crush on her."

"Her cousin has a crush on her?"

"Yeah, he's a weirdo. All those tattoos... actually he's really got only one tattoo technically, but it cover half his body. He's like a tattoo in himself. Anyway, Vincent said he'd be in the area for awhile, and there's really no place to sleep here, so I offered him a room in my house for free." Cait followed him to a door. He knocked on it. "Hey, someone's here to see you. The name's Cat Sith."

"That's Cait Sith."

Vincent opened the door. Cait's face cracked into a smile, shouting, "Vincy my man, long time no see!"

Vincent's expression was neutral. "How did you get here?" he questioned.

"Your bed ate me."

"What were you doing in the mansion?"

"The welcome mat."

"Yes, the welcome mat... I understand. Okay then, come in. Can you excuse us please, sir?"

Clasko, already scared by what little he had heard, nodded and left.

Inside the room sat two other people. One was a sort of young woman with blonde hair, an orange top, and a green skirt. She had a pair of goggles around her neck likes the ones at the desert camp. The other was a man a little older, with neat brown hair, black clothes, and an expression as cold and neutral as Vincent's. He sat in a chair with his head resting on the handle of a weird-looking sword. A chain attached to the bottom of the sword held a piece of metal that looked like a lion's head.

"Uh... Cait Sith, this is Squall and this is Rikku. Squall, Rikku, this is Cait Sith. Well, we're talking about something important so-"

"Hold on. I read your book about Hilda and the Angra Mainyu. You have some explaining to do."

Vincent thought. "Okay," he said finally. "I'll tell you."

Hope you enjoyed! I'd appreciate it deeply if you reviewed. Will our heroes learn a secret truth? Will Tifa and Barret get out of the subway car? Shouldn't you be asking me these questions? You'll just have to wait.