This was a oneshot written for my Bankotsu/Jakotsu claim on the community iy(underscore)no(underscore)kakera on LJ. Enjoy!
Title: The Fabulous Rescue (or We Gave Up on Finding the Grail)
Theme: Set #1, Theme #15: Golden Age
Genre: Humor/Parody/AU/Crossover with Slayers
Pairings: Bankotsu/Jakotsu, InuYasha/Kagome, Suikotsu/Kikyou, Naraku/Xelloss
Word Count: 2,182
Rating: PG-13
Summary: It was a very silly adventure, really it was. But wasn't that what golden ages were for?
Notes: Props to Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Monty Python's Spamalot and George of the Jungle.
Long ago, in the golden age of knights, princes, princesses and narrators who were very long-winded; there was fair land called… err, what's the translation of this again?
Are you sure about that? Going from Latin to German to French to Irish to English tends to mess up translations, you know. Oh well, if you really think that's what it's translated as, I'll continued.
Ahem. As I was saying, there was a fair land called Monkey. And in this land, their lived a fair Prince. It was a joyous day in the kingdom, as the King of Monkey announced that his son was to be wed to the princess of a neighboring kingdom.
But, alas, there was a problem. The Prince did not like this princess, and so, he was determined to escape his horrendous fate of marriage. Wanting the deal…err, marriage to go on as planned, the King tried to talk to his son…
"Come on Jakotsu, one day all of this will be yours!"
"The drapery?" The young prince remarked with a frown.
"No!" The King said with a sigh, readjusting his gesture to where he pointed out at the lands, "The land, my son, the land!"
"Oh. And I care because why?"
Naraku rubbed his temples and tried to put it in simpler terms.
"Look Jakotsu. We need this marriage. Her father is rich, her mother has… influence, and she's got those two…huge… huge…."
"Jewels, Father?"
"Yes…yes, jewels."
"But I still don't want to marry her, Father."
"Why? Because that whole gay thing? Didn't you grow out of that phase?"
"Father, you don't grow out of being gay."
"Oh. Well can't you be gay another time? Like say- after the wedding?"
"But Father, I'm waiting for my real, true love to come. In fact, perhaps they'll come faster if I sing about how…"
"No! No singing! What have I told you about that?"
"Sorry, Father."
"Ah never mind the gay thing, I have to go welcome the visitors. Just… stay here and, try not to be gay or something."
"Don't think that's going to work."
"Try. Try. I want those jewe- I mean, I want to see you happily married."
Turning to leave the room, the King quickly bolted it closed behind him as he exited.
"Crazy boy, refusing to marry the girl just because he's gay. What kind of ridiculous excuse is that?"
Meanwhile, out in a dark and rather foreboding forest, a knight and his squire chanced upon a clearing of light.
"Look, Suikotsu. We've chanced upon a clearing of light."
"That we sure have, Sir Bankotsu."
Having traveled for days through the forest, the young knight was finding himself more and more worried about the lack of damsels in distress.
"It seems like we've been traveling days through this forest, don'tcha think Suikotsu?"
"That's what the narrator just said, Sir."
"Oh. Well, there are still no damsels to be saved."
"The narrator said that as well, sire."
"Well damn, did they say I'm behind on my damsel-saving quota for the month?"
Suikotsu paused, "I think you beat them to the punch on that one, Sir."
"Good. So anyways, my loyal squire. What suggest ye we do?"
"Not use the word 'ye'?"
"Why not?"
"Because the rest of our sentences are in normal English."
Bankotsu frowned, "Well, bloody hell. They are. Okay, well what do you suggest we do then?"
"Wait for a chance message of distress to come?"
Sitting down on a nearby rock, Bankotsu tapped his chin.
"Well, I suppose that's all we can do for now."
Back at the castle, the young prince was desperately writing out a message of distress (just by chance, of course.)
Snatching a set of arrows and a bow (which just so happened to be conveniently sitting in his room near the window) Jakotsu fired the arrow out.
"There. My plea for help has been…."
He looked back at his desk where the parchment still laid.
"Well damnit."
Snatching up the actual message and tying it to another arrow, he made one more attempt to send out his plea for help.
"Fly swiftly into the bosom of the ones who will rescue me!"
As the knight and squire sat in the forest waiting for a chance message of distress, the very message of distress the Prince just sent- struck.
And quite literally at that.
The arrow (much like the prince had asked it to) did fly swiftly; and right into a bosom at that. Namely, into Suikotsu's upper chest.
"Argh! I've been shot!"
"Oh no, Suikotsu- my devoted squire, you've been shot!"
"I just said that, sire."
"Ah. Sorry. Care for me to remove the arrow?"
"Nah, I'm fine. It's just a minor wound really…."
The squire's noble comment was cut painfully short as the second arrow struck above the first.
"Suikotsu!"
"Why must injures cause so much…blood. Blood? I'm covered in blood!"
The squire promptly fainted and Sir Bankotsu cradled his fallen comrade in his arms.
"Oh noble Suikotsu, I did know thee well. But, you are gone….gone!"
"I'm still alive, sire."
"Oh, okay."
"And you have a message," Suikotsu remarked, pulling the second arrow out and handing it over, "Too bad it's covered in…blood. Blood!"
Fainting once more, Bankotsu stood nobly and nobly looked in the direction the arrows came from.
"Fear not, my loyal squire. I will go forth and rescue the fair maiden who sent this message. It will be my tribute to your noble sacrifice."
"I'm not dead yet," He piped up, propping himself upright against the rock.
"Oh. Would you like to come with me then? They might have a Band-Aid or something."
"I'll be all right. I'll catch up in a bit. Just need to sleep this little graze off."
Looking to the blood pouring out of Suikotsu's chest, Bankotsu shrugged.
"Well, if you do insist."
"I do."
And so, Sir Bankotsu rode forth towards the unnamed castle. The sacrifice of his not-yet-dead squire not to be in vain, the brave knight was determined to take out anyone who got in his way and rescue the fair maiden.
As the noble knight nobly arrived at the castle, he noticed that it seemed to be guarded by a large amount of….guards. Drawing his blade, he gallantly charged forward- prepared to take down anyone who held the poor maiden against her will.
But since this whole killing thing is all rather gory, and we'd like to keep this at a rating that will accept without problem, we will now show you cute and adorable footage instead.
"Kagome, why are we in this stupid story?" InuYasha grumbled, turning towards the dark-haired girl.
"Um…I'm not sure InuYasha."
"Keh. Well, I think this is stupid. I mean, what if Jakotsu tries to," He swallowed hard and whispered it to her in hopes that Jakotsu wouldn't perchance overhear and get any ideas, "What if he tries to hit on me?"
"InuYasha, I'm sure Jakotsu's too busy being one of the co-stars of this story to hit on you."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive."
Edging closer to her, he snatched up her hand with a blush.
"You see this, you stupid butt-thing? See, I'm straight! S-T-R-A-I-G…uh…"
"H, T. InuYasha."
"Yah- what she said!"
And since we still need some more "cute" and "adorable" footage to stall while Bankotsu decimates the castle guards, we also treat you with this.
InuYasha leaned down and tenderly kissed Kagome to once more assert his heterosexuality.
"I…I…w-what!" InuYasha stammered, blush staining his cheeks.
Just do it so we can move on, okay? I'll keep Jakotsu away from you for the rest of the story if you do…
And finding that bribe enough, the boy sucked up his nerves and followed his narration. The audience then reacted with awe.
"Oooooh."
Awe. A-W-E. Can't you people understand what I'm saying?
"Awwwwww."
That's better.
Back to our story…
Having literally cut his way through the guards, Sir Bankotsu knocked in the door to the tower. But on seeing Jakotsu, he paused and looked around.
"I'm sorry to be such a bother, but I'm looking for the poor soul being held in this tower against their will and forced to marry someone they don't love," Bankotsu said, casually wiping the bloody sword off on the drapes.
"That would be me," Jakotsu replied; his eyes already drinking in the sight of the knight before him.
"But…you're a guy."
Jakotsu shrugged, "Did you really think that that handwriting was from a girl?"
"You have a point there but…wait- then I just took out half the castle to save a guy?"
"Looks like it, hot-stuff."
"But…what does that mean?"
Edging closer to the young knight, Jakotsu mischievously tapped on the front of his armor.
"Would you like me to…un-straighten things for you?"
Before the knight could reply, or even think about replying, the Prince had pulled him into a rather deep lip lock. The yaoi fangirls then promptly swooned and fainted.
"Oh my god! Two hot guys kissing! We'll faint now- 'kay, thanks, bye!"
And ignoring the mass piles of unconscious fangirls at their feet, Jakotsu and Bankotsu looked deeply into each other's eyes.
"Do…you, always kiss like that?" The knight asked, eyebrow quirked in intrigue.
Toying with the end of Bankotsu's braid, Jakotsu smirked, "Would you like to keep me around and find out?"
Sweeping Jakotsu up off his feet (yes, literally) the brave Sir Bankotsu prepared to carry Jakotsu to safety. That is, until they reached the main hall where King Naraku waited.
"You! Who are you?" He demanded.
"I'm your son," Jakotsu replied from where he was nuzzled against Bankotsu's neck.
"Not you, him."
"I'm the brave knight here to rescue this poor soul from a marriage without love."
"That's a rather long name, don't you think?"
"Oh. My name is Bankotsu."
"Ah, okay. Wait- you can't rescue my son."
Bankotsu blinked in confusion, "I can't?"
"And you killed all my guards, and even injured some of the wedding party."
"Oh…sorry about that. Are your guards going to be okay?"
"You put a sword through their heads."
"They might want to see a doctor about that," He replied, jumping a bit as Jakotsu began to kiss his neck.
"What about the Princess? She came all this way."
"It seems she's fallen in love with an injured squire who staggered into the courtyard, m'lord," A voice called out.
"And who are you?" Naraku asked, turning towards the crowd of people.
"I'm just a random voice to help move the plot along, m'lord."
"Ah- well, carry on then."
Then, the crowd of people parted as the very injured squire they'd just spoken of staggered his way forward with the help of the princess.
"Thank you very much, Princess Kikyou. How can I ever repay you?"
"Well, I've always wanted to become a nurse but I haven't had a doctor to apprentice with."
The brown-haired man smiled, "Then I shall become a doctor so you can become a nurse."
"Would you really do that? For me?"
"You did stop my bleeding after all."
And so, the squire and the Princess left together on their quest for modern medicine and badly scrawled signatures. Meanwhile, the knight and the prince made plans for their future.
"So Jakotsu…"
"Hmm?"
"What should we do?"
Pausing a moment to think, the knight gave his reply.
"Well I've always kind of liked singing…"
"We could go into musical theater!"
And so, the two love-birds went off in search of a lyricist, a composer and a producer crazy enough to try and get them on Broadway.
This, of course, left the poor King of Monkey all alone.
"Great. Now I'm all alone."
Perhaps I have a solution, King Naraku.
"Aren't you the narrator?"
That would be me.
"Then what's this solution? Spit it out!"
If you can't beat them, join them.
"Join who?" Looking up as the narrator mysteriously walked into the story, Naraku paused, "Wait…wait a second- aren't you from another anime series?"
Now that is a secret.
"Then if you can't tell me, what am I supposed to…"
A loud collective scream echoed throughout the castle as the yaoi fangirls regained their consciousness and went forth in search of things to slash.
"Bloody hell, what was that?"
Fangirls.
Eying the purple-haired narrator, who might I add is rather sexy for an asexual being; Naraku crossed the space between them.
"Your name?"
That is…oh well, secret's out anyways. It's Xelloss.
"A crossover isn't exactly in my contract, but- what the hell! It'll bring in fangirls, right?"
The narrator and the king shared a passionate kiss, attracting the attention of the yaoi fangirls in the process. Many strings were pulled to rush in another narrator at the last minute, and finally, the story made its way to the conclusion.
And as the second narrator stepped in, they spoke the last lines of the tale.
Ahem.
And so, the prince and the knight, the knight's squire and the princess and the king and the other narrator all lived happily ever after.
The End.