It's Tuesday the 29th and I'm writing in this journal. It's after eleven at night.
I don't write in the journal a lot. Especially not in the summer when I don't have to. I haven't written since May. Early May.
But there's a lot going on. I guess I see why they makes us write in the journal. When you have to get all the shit out, here's something to help. Well, there's a lot of shit right now.
My last few entries were about guys. Guys at school, guys on sports teams, guys in general. Ducky.
Which still blows me away. Who would have thought? Ducky McCrae. He's a nice guy, friends with Maggie, but I don't know a lot about him. But I know that he's good-looking. I know that I've been thinking about kissing him. I know that I really want to.
I didn't even write about Nancy breaking up with me. Not that it was a big deal. We were kind of on the way out anyway. She started going on about how gay I was. I hardly had any time to tell her that I was still interested in girls too. I still liked going to the girls' gymnastics practice with the guys.
I don't even know if I'm really bi, though. Maybe it's just Ducky. Maybe it's not guys in general. Maybe it's just him. I don't know. But when Ducky showed up at the band practice, it was like a sign. It was like I suddenly had to tell everyone what I'd been thinking.
Well, not really. I didn't tell them the Ducky side of it. I couldn't help but stare at him when I was saying it. He stared back at me. Was he gay? Or bi or whatever? Did he like me? Could we... really?
But now, after what happened tonight... I don't know. I still like Ducky. I still want to kiss him. I still want to be with him. But I don't want him to have to go through what I did. He shouldn't have to be picked on by assholes like James. And James already picks on him. He already calls him gay slurs.
I don't even know if Ducky's really gay.
Getting spit on is the weirdest thing in the world. I just had the weirdest feeling. It was like I couldn't move. I couldn't feel. I couldn't do anything. I didn't want to hurt James anymore. At least not for that. I wanted to kill him for hurting Amalia.
(I sort of wanted to shake some sense into Amalia for going out there with him, but I would never act out on it. And if I did, it would be gentle.)
I just sort of... didn't want it to happen. I wanted to act like it hadn't happened. I wanted to pretend. I didn't want to move. I wanted to rewind.
Amalia came up to me and wiped my face.
Bruce was ready to kill James. Maggie had the weirdest look on her face. Like she was kind of glad it happened. Like if this happened, it meant that I wasn't bi anymore.
I don't know what the deal is. I liked Maggie for a long time. I was really into her. I thought she was into me too. And we went out on that one date, and she was so weird. I guess she wasn't interested at all.
Now I want to kill James.
It's Wednesday the 30th. It's noon.
I can't write long. Amazing. Two days in a row.
But I want to remember this moment. For a very, very long time.
I was going to the store because Mom hadn't been shopping in over a week. I figure I'd buy some food. Maybe I'd even fix dinner tonight. Not that she would notice. But it's better than a peanut butter sandwich or buying a pizza.
I was walking out the door, looking like shit, I might add, and who's pacing outside my house? Ducky.
What are you doing here?
He jumped. Nothing.
Then why are you outside my house?
No reason.
I had the feeling he wanted to say something. I had the feeling that I wanted to say something too.
Um, Justin, when you said - nothing, never mind.
Ducky, I like you.
It was out before I had a chance to stop it. It was like a weird fluke that Ducky was out there. But maybe it wasn't a fluke. Maybe it was fate or something. Not that I generally believe in fate.
He stared at me. Like he couldn't believe that I actually said that.
I think I like you too.
And he said it. Just like that.
I stared at him all slack-jawed. I couldn't believe it. I had no idea that he liked me. I wanted to believe.
Really?
Ducky looked like a scared deer, with those brown eyes. He seemed very tense. I wanted to reach out and give him a hug. More than I could think. I couldn't think. So I just went on instinct. I hugged him.
He hugged me back.
I could have died right there.
When we stopped hugging, He asked the question.
Are we like dating now? Or can we? His face was so red.
I thought about James. I thought about him spitting on me because I was bi. I thought about how I didn't want that to happen to Ducky. I thought about wanting to protect him. What better way to do it?
Yeah, we can. I'd like that.
I still have to go shopping.
What will Mom say? I don't even know what she thinks on the subject.
What will Dad say? Do I care?
Not really. But Mom will make a big deal of it. When am I going to see Dad next? Christmas? New Years. Next summer? Who knows when the hell that will be.
But I don't care. I want to be with Ducky. I want to kiss him.
How screwed up is all of this? Very.
I'm ready for it.
Real food. Now.