Chapter Sixteen: Maggie

6/30

Do we hold our destinies? (fate?)
Life can't be this random.
Is it all our choice?
Or are we spinning out of control?

I don't know what I've been told,
but I can't make my fate (destiny)
It's all worked out It's fine right now I need something to break out

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. I can't seem to get my thoughts together. Everything is so strange. I don't know what I'm thinking or what I'm all confused. It shouldn't even matter now. I just feel like it's my fault.

On the brighter side, I got a call from Tyler. He'll be back from New York on Friday. Which means he'll be here for the Bash and get to hear us play. I hadn't even told him about it, because I didn't want him to think it was that big of a deal. But when he told me he would be here in two days, it just came pouring out.

Maybe now I can stop thinking about Justin.

I just wrote that.

Damn it.

I guess if I can admit it anywhere, it's my own journal. I've been thinking about Justin a lot. Not that I'm into him again. I'm over that. But I've been seeing so much of him lately, what with daily Vanish practices.

He'd been so distant. He wouldn't even ride in the same car with us. He suddenly kept to himself. He's sort of faded into the background, until we got that visit from James.

I still can't believe what that... thing did to Justin. Amalia has been really sympathetic to him. She knows what it's like. I guess I can't conceive it. I'm a rich white girl. Who's going to spit on me? It has to be worse for Justin, though. It was someone he knew. Someone he used to count as a friend.

I thought that after what happened with James, Justin would slip even further into his shell, but it happened just the opposite. Today he seemed so happy. He was joking around and acting like he had been before he came out. In fact, he seemed even happier.

I'm glad to see him so happy. All of this shying away, I was afraid that... and it comes back down to it that I need to look outside myself, it was my fault. That Justin wouldn't have considered dating guys if I had been a better girl. Or at least made an effort.

Anorexia wasn't just ruining my life, it was ruining the lives of the people around me.

But it seems that he's fine. I hope he's fine. I'm tired of feeling guilty.

So. Tyler. I want to do something special, but I'm not going to have time until after the Bash. I know that on the fifth there's a premiere that I'm stuck going to. I'm sure that Tyler is going as well. But do I want my face splashed all over Yahoo Movies labeled as "Hayden Blume's daughter, Tyler Kendall's girlfriend"? I don't think my name would even count.

I asked Tyler how he can always smile for the cameras.

"I knew that I would have to when I started acting," he replied. "You were born into it. It's all right if you're sick of smiling. You didn't chose to do it."

As much as I hate Hollywood, we really do sometimes seem like a great match. A Hollywood ying and yang. Ugh, sounds like a bad plot to a bad movie.

I need to get some sleep. Another practice tomorrow. Amalia won't be there, she has work, but she said that it's not a reason for us to slack off. I have to work tomorrow as well. In the morning, though.

I can't believe we have three days until we'll be playing in front of all Palo City. I think I'll go crazy before then.

I don't know how much time I'm going to have for journal writing. I hope I can make some time. I need to sleep. And I don't need Dad telling me about how I don't know how to budget my time.

He seemed excited about the band getting into the Bash. I just hope he doesn't try to hook us up with some connection-manager he knows. Amalia is a great manager. She got us this far. I don't see why she can't take us further.

Dad, however, probably won't see it that way, though. He wants to make us something we're not. He wants to make ME something I'M not. Just the way he sacrificed himself to be something that's he's not. He's always trying to punish me for his mistakes. When it comes to the band, I'm not going to let him.

Hollywood lies
and bullshit disguises,
can't be honest anymore
Never knew anyone
to trust because
it's a fraud and nothing more

Wonderful times
and happy rhymes
aren't relevant here today
Can't find myself
in all this mess
I've been lost along the way

It's time to lose yourself
You can't be you, not now
It's hard when you're so busy
working at being someone else.

Thought you'd win
with a turn and a spin
and a shotgun ready to go
But it seems you lost
what mattered most
as you staggered to and fro

A perfect life
and a trophy wife
is all that matters now
but you don't see
the pain that bleeds
all over your damn house

It's time to lose yourself
You can't be you, not now, no, no.
It's hard when you're so busy
looking at something else.

Lost along the way, yeah, yeah, no, no.
Thought you'd win, it's over now
Can't find myself this way...
you don't see the pain that bleeds.

It's time to lose yourself
You can't be you, not now, no, no
It's hard when you're so busy
being someone else, a stranger.
That's all you are, a stranger.

I guess I'm feeling ultra creative today. Before I'm all worn out. Too bad it sucks.

7/1

I don't know why I brought my computer to practice. Oh, wait, I do. I was writing a report. Yes, it's July, and I'm writing reports for school already. Patti was making fun of me because I was already doing schoolwork. Well, I can't help it. I have to keep my GPA up. I'm actually going into high school now, this is where grades really start to count. How am I going to have college options if I let myself slack?

I pointed out to Sunny that having spare book reports around come in handy when you forget that you had one, and it's due the next day. Not that it's ever happened to me, but it seemed like a good point when she's poking fun at me.

Yeah, Sunny was at practice today. She and Ducky came out to practice. So had Claudia, but she was seeming like a regular anymore.

"I'm here to keep you in line because Amalia's not," Ducky said.

"Oh, did she hire you?" I asked, smiling. I do love Ducky.

We were playing, and while we were in between songs, and the guys were tuning their guitars, Rico looked up at me.

"Maggie, I was thinking. I didn't put this past Amalia, but I was thinking that we should do a new song for the Bash."

"But that's just a couple days away! There's no way we could learn a new song in a few days," I said.

"Sure we could. We've done it before. Do you think you could write us something?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I haven't written much in a long while."

"What about this one?" Sunny said, pointing to my open computer, at the song I wrote last night about Dad. "This sounds good."

"That's my journal!" I snapped, running over to her. I slammed the top down. "You have no right digging around in my computer.

"Sorry, sorry. But the song looks good. I liked it." Sunny had no right.

"Um, Maggie," Rico said, "can we see it?"

"What? No, it's... it's personal."

"So was Hey, Down There," Sunny hissed. I blushed.

"Can we hear it?" Patti asked. "Just sing it for us?"

I sighed. They were going to bug me about it, and then practice couldn't go on. I figured they'd hear it, hate it, and we could go on.

I started singing it, the little tune in my head, and as I went on, Patti began drumming a beat. It was weird. It actually being a song. It was just something I wrote because I was mad at Dad.

When I was done, they were all looking at me.

"It's dark," Bruce said.

I shrugged.

"I like it," Patti said. "I think it's one of your best, Maggie."

"It's totally you," Rico said, "and totally us."

"It's great," Justin said. "Bruce is right, it's dark, but it's fantastic."

"I told you!" Sunny squealed.

Ducky was looking at me. I think he knew what it was about. I gave him a smile, and he smiled back.

"Write down the lyrics," Rico was saying, "and I'll come up with some solid music for it. It's your tune, but you know."

I nodded. "I feel strange about. It's so personal."

"That's why it's good," Bruce said.

"Yeah," Patti said. "People don't want something superficial. And we're not superficial. It's real, and raw, and all you. And you represent us. That's why we love using your songs. They're good."

Well, I felt so boosted by that, I said sure, and wrote down the lyrics. Rico'll be calling me tomorrow morning about it. And I need to call Amalia about it.