July 10th
Luck isn't my friend. I got stuck in the middle of the back seat. I'm on this like... hump in the seat. My butt fell asleep half an hour ago. We flipped a coin and I lost. Mary Anne is on my left (also writing in her journal) and Claudia is on my right (staring out the window.) In front of me in the middle of the seat is Kristy (talking to Justin) and Dawn is on her right (journal writing as well).
Yeah, it's just us on the trip. Sunny, Amalia, Ducky, and Maggie all had to work. Mary Anne wanted to invite Derek, but we decided that it was girls only. Besides, Justin didn't have enough room for a seventh person.
I like Justin. He's not as much of "one of the girls" as Ducky is, and he gets more flirting from girls than Ducky does, but he's as much of a nice guy. I mean, he's willing to drive five teenage girls three hours, spend three days with them, and go drive them back to Palo City. Would a creep do that? No, I don't think so.
I think Dawn really had a good idea in this trip. After watching Claudia and Rico fight like that (Claud and I have had some doozies of a fight, but no screaming at each other in public types of fight. I've never seen my best friend scream like that before), it's good for her to get away.
I tried to talk to her about it last night, but she was closed off as usual. But this morning she was acting like nothing had happened between her and Rico.
"I'm going to miss Rico while we're gone," she said.
I gave her a funny look. "I thought you two were fighting."
"What? Oh, that. No, we made up." She looked away.
"Claudia, what's going on? Is something... I mean, with you and Rico?" I wasn't sure what I was expecting to hear. I can't be judgmental of anything Claudia and Rico have done, considering the things I've done.
At this point, I don't even want to tell her because she'll be hurt that I didn't tell her before. And I don't even know why I didn't tell her.
Well, the first time, with Sam, I felt ashamed. I felt like a slut. I can hardly even write it out. It was awkward and weird. It was a little better with Ethan. Ethan and I dated a lot longer than Sam and I did, and I had a better idea what I was doing.
I don't want to think about it. But I want Claudia to tell me. I guess that's one-sided and selfish.
July 10th 8:45
I love it here. I don't care what's going on, this place is so wonderful. The Stentson's live on this big farm which would normally not be my thing at all (Give me concrete and skyscrapers!), but it's so nice and relaxing. Sort of like that feeling I get in Stoneybrook, especially if I've just come home from New York.
We got to meet Dawn's step-cousin Lena. She and Mary Anne met her at a family reunion a week or so ago. She's twelve and really cute. Short and petite, with dark hair and eyes (she sort of reminds me of Charlotte).
Then we met Lena's 16 year old twin brother and sister that Dawn and Mary Anne hadn't met, Mac and Rita. Rita was short for Margaret (how you get Rita out of that, I don't know), and, well, Mac never told us what his name was short for. I got the feeling it was something embarrassing. I don't usually tell people what my name is short for.
Rita started flirting with Justin, and he was really nice about it and very gently said that he was in a relationship. I thought that was enough to leave it at, but Kristy (of course, Kristy, who else?) said, "With a guy."
Well, that made Rita feel even stupider, you could tell, but Justin was really nice about the whole thing. If he wasn't involved with Ducky, I'd probably be flirting with him too.
I went horseback riding, which I hadn't done since I was at Camp Mohawk, and I really didn't remember anything about riding. Mac helped me, though.
"I missed this," Claudia said, looking happy on the back of her horse. "For disliking anything sports related, this riding thing is really chilly. I haven't been since Camp Mohawk. I wish Rico could be here. That would have made this perfect."
This is where I made my big mistake. "Clauda, don't you think you're... going really fast with Rico?"
She gave me a VERY startled look. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"I mean, you spend all your time with him, you're out with him all day, and you come back and completely ignore everyone and close us out when you're with us. Anytime you talk, it's about Rico. That's... sort of, I mean..."
"What are you trying to say, Stacey?" Claudia asked. "Because I don't think anyone thought horrible things about you when you talked about nothing but Robert, Ethan, Sam, or whoever else you're dating at the time! Just because I don't date five guys in the course of a year doesn't mean that I can't have strong feelings for someone."
"I know that," I said. "I just don't want you to get in over your head."
"I'm not. I know exactly what I'm doing."
"What... what are you doing?"
Her face sort of crumpled, like she was going to cry, but she didn't. She didn't say anything, she just dug her heels in and her horse sped up and she left me in the dust.
I don't know what to do. I really don't want Claudia to make the same mistakes I have. But what if she already has? I guess I should have told her about everything when it happened. It's too late now.
For both of us.
July 11th
Last night sort of made up for the horseback riding trip. Afterwards, after we all got showers, we went out back and Mac, Rita, and Lena built a big bonfire out back and we roasted marshmallows (well, they roasted marshmallows. Dawn and I roasted apples and they were delish) and we swapped funny baby-sitting stories (all three of them baby-sit).
Claudia still wasn't talking to me, but it was easy to ignore when I was having such a good time. It wasn't easy to ignore the fact that Claudia was so obviously NOT having a good time. I guess the pain of not having Rico there was too much for her to bear.
This morning we went swimming in the Stentson's pool. I'm glad I remembered my bathing suit. I was the only one wearing a bikini and that made me feel self-conscious. No one mentioned it (though Mac did look a bit longer), so I felt a little bit better.
It's been a lot of fun to hang out with Dawn, almost like we used to back in Stoneybrook. We snacked on veggies and whole wheat crackers and joked about Ho-Ho's. The only difference is still that I would eat the Ho-Ho's if I could, and Dawn doesn't touch them because she doesn't want to. However, I'm still grateful to her because I'm not the only one who doesn't have treats.
Claudia went inside to call Rico on her cell phone. I sighed and turned to Dawn. "Do you think she's..."
"Spending way too much time with Rico?" she finished.
I nodded. "I'm really concerned that she's... you know, doing stuff with him." Stacey the sophisticated can't use the correct terms for anything.
"She's thirteen!" Mary Anne said, overhearing our conversation. "People our age don't... do things with boys. Not beyond kissing."
I felt my stomach lurch. "Well, some do..."
Dawn gave me a blank look, but Mary Anne caught on. The look on her face was horrified. She gasped, "Oh, Stacey! What? With... oh..."
"It's just that Claudia hardly knows Rico. They've only been together a few weeks," I said, trying to get the conversation off of myself. It wasn't working.
"Stacey," Mary Anne said very seriously, "what happened? Were you molested?"
I rolled my eyes. "Mary Anne, I wasn't molested. It was always perfectly consensual."
"Always? It happened more than once?"
Kristy lifted herself out of the pool and looked at me. "Stacey, are you going to tell them?"
I sighed and said in a hurried voice, "I had oral sex with Ethan. And Sam."
Kristy cringed. "I still don't want to think about that."
"You didn't tell anyone, did you, Stace?" Dawn asked.
I shook my head. "Kristy, Sunny, and Ducky got it out of me a couple weeks ago. Against my will, and, um, well, Kristy's."
Kristy giggled.
Mary Anne was horrified, and Dawn seemed mildly interested.
"But, really, it was a mistake," I said, mostly to Mary Anne. "And I'm worried that Claudia is going to do the same thing."
"If she hasn't already," Dawn said. "Would... if she was doing that with him, that may explain what's she's being so distant. Wouldn't it?"
"Yeah," I said, nodding. "I certainly didn't want to tell anyone."
"That's if she's doing anything," Mary Anne said. She was trying to think that Claudia hadn't gone beyond kissing.
"Should we confront her?" Dawn asked. "I mean, there's a chance she just wants to keep to herself. Like she's just... too involved with spending time with him."
"Which is confrontable anyway," I said.
"Since she's acting so weird," Kristy said.
"I don't know, if she wants to talk to us, she will," Mary Anne said.
"Either way," I said, "I'm worried about her.
Everyone nodded in agreement.
We still haven't done anything. I guess we're going with Mary Anne's idea of just waiting until she comes to us, but who knows when that will be. I guess if I get worried enough and my best friend will listen to me, we'll talk about it.
I hope it's soon.
July 11th 7:10PM
We're going home tomorrow morning, which is kind of sad. This evening has been spent hanging out by the pool with Lena. Rita and Mac had college classes they go to over the summer. And they're 16! They're cool and super smart.
Justin and Kristy were out in a field playing soccer. Lena, Dawn, and Mary Anne were inside making cookies (and some sugar free apple turnovers for Dawn and myself).
It was about then that I realized it was Claudia's birthday. I had this overwhelming guilt, but no one else had mentioned it, and Claudia hadn't mentioned it. So I looked over at her and said, "Happy birthday."
She paused and said, "You're right, it is my birthday. I'd completely forgotten." She sighed. "Fourteen is such a boring birthday. It'll be way cooler when I'm sixteen."
"Just two more years," I said, sighing happily. "Then we can drive."
"Spelling isn't on a driving test," Claudia said.
Good thing, too, I thought, but I wouldn't say that. Claudia was being civil for the first time all day.
"We'll throw you a party when we get back to Palo City," I said.
"I don't need a party, just a lot of presents." She grinned.
"What do you want?"
She waved a hand at me. "I'm kidding. You don't need to get me anything. Just being here with all of you and Rico, that's enough of a birthday for me."
"I'll get you some cool earrings," I said. "You can't have too many earrings."
"I need more belts. Then I can stop borrowing them from you."
I laughed. "I don't mind. It's not a vacation without us swapping clothes."
Notice how I made a point not to comment about Rico? I'm not looking to start another fight. How can I be Claudia's friend and try to, well, be a parent? I don't want her to get in trouble or go too far too fast like I did.
We were quiet for a while and finally I said, "Claudia, I have something to tell you."
She gave me a suspicious look. "It's not going to be about how I spend my time, is it?"
"No. It's how I used to spend my time. Remember when Sam and I used to fight? And when we broke up? When I was dating Sam, I uh... we did..." I swallowed and tried to organize my thoughts. "I, um, Sam and I, I, uh..." WHY WAS IT SO HARD? "I had oral sex. On Sam. And then again, on Ethan. And after both of them, I just... we fought all the time. It was like neither of us could do anything right."
Claudia stared at me. "Why are you telling me? I mean, why now? You went out with Sam ages ago."
"I know. I felt ashamed. I didn't tell anyone. Not until recently."
"Well, you're not dating them anymore. You can learn from those mistakes."
Sounds profound, right? Well, profound Claudia seemed to not get the point. Either that or she was hiding something. Still hiding something. I don't know if I can stand this much longer, getting the nearly silent treatment from my best friend.
I hope I find out soon.