I saw RAW. All the women in the running are hos. The only one who showed any actual promise was the last one... Alexis, was it? And considering that Pyper and our cousin Juice said she 'looked like a man', I have no doubt those who actually vote for these things, not to mention the powers that be behind the scenes, will label her the first to go.
With that cheery little note, here's the second part. From the reviews, I'm glad to see that not only the women are fed up with this shite too! I failed to mention in the first part that suggestions are more than welcome. Oh, and for the fake website I used directly below, I had to replace the dot (.) with a dash seeing it wouldn't have come up otherwise. And Acey, I'll gladly take that moniker! Here's chapter two!
Date Uploaded: 30 June 2005
Part 2 - Setting Things in Motion
TheWrestlingStoolPigeon-com
Diva Wannabes Dropping Out?
With the 2005 RAW Diva Search just getting into full swing with preliminary judges Christy Hemme and Jonathan Coachman, it's a wonder exactly why the contestants have suddenly taken to dropping like flies.
It started two days ago when three women reportedly pulled out of the running due to unstated circumstances. Yesterday another followed and before the final eight could be announced, another two were said to have withdrawn themselves from the contest as well.
The reason for these events are still rather unclear, but a statement from an insider who prefers not to be known testified that the cause are fans. Fans? Well, not your average run-of-the-mill fans, however.
"I'm talking the obsessive, creepy, follow-you-around-with-a-camera type of deals," the insider said. "Somehow these head-cases swarmed in on the contestants and pretty much managed to scare a few of them off. We should look in on the matter, considering these fledgling stalkers appeared all at once in one big horde."
WWE management has confirmed that even in light of these incidences the Diva Search will continue. The last qualifying round will be held shortly to determine the final eight who will debut on RAW and fight for your vote.
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"It's just too weird," Jonathan Coachman was saying to Christy Hemme the next morning. The two of them were seated at the judge's table in a small auditorium, getting ready for the latest round in the Diva Search. "Five of the contestants drop out claiming harassment from the fans already? We haven't released any names or details to the public yet!"
"I know," Christy agreed as a hairdresser fiddled with her red locks. "I mean, last year when I was in the competition it took at least two live shows before I got my first peeping tom. I'd say the fans are getting more zealous over this whole thing."
Coach nodded in agreement and let out a sigh. "Well at least we still have more than enough who stuck around." He turned to the production manager for the segment. "So, are we about ready to start?"
"Almost," he answered, looking at some notes. "We're just waiting for the third judge to arrive and then we're good to go."
"Third judge?" Coach and Christy echoed in bewilderment.
The production manager nodded and gave them quizzical looks. "Weren't you informed? We got word from forces higher up this morning."
Coach scratched his head. "I never heard anything about adding another person to the panel. So who is this new judge anyway?"
"Right here!" a new voice promptly called. The two already at the table turned to see the smiling face of one miss Ivory. The former Women's champion headed over and slipped into the last seat, placing her stuff on the tabletop. "Good morning. Sorry I'm late, it took me a while to find the venue."
"Ivory?" Coach said in surprise, staring at her dumbly. "What are you doing here?"
"Apparently I'm part of the panel now," Ivory said, looking amused at having to state the obvious. She shuffled through the papers in front of her as she continued. "Stephanie McMahon called me out of the blue last night and asked me to fill in the position. I guess she figured three people at the table was a good, round number."
Christy frowned, not liking this sudden disruption. The contest had moved on with just her Coach all this time; what prompted this change? She was kept from saying anything, however, as the qualifying round started and the cameras began to roll.
Ivory watched with a complacent smile on her face as the hopefuls were brought out. All of them were buoyant and excited, supporting bright smiles and strutting in wearing possibly the tiniest bikinis they could find. Ivory checked her papers again; had this type of attire been mandatory? Oh yeah, there it was on page four. She stifled a sigh as the girls waved, cooed and pouted to attract attention to themselves. The production manager shouted directions as the girls paraded and filed past.
It was an understatement to say that Ivory had been surprised to receive that call from Stephanie the night before. "I wasn't aware the Diva Search needed another judge," she had said into the phone, her tone barely masking her distaste.
"Consider it a sudden change in plans," Stephanie answered from the Norman Manley International Airport in Jamaica. She had then proceeded to explain to Ivory the details of what was now becoming to be known as the Great Diva Sabotage.
Ivory listened, skeptical, before stating, "It will never work."
"I'm Stephanie McMahon, damnit, I'll MAKE it work!" Stephanie declared pompously, mimicking her father's often-said line. "Now are you in? Because I promise you that your role is going to be a lot of fun."
"Stephanie, you're not drunk, are you?" Ivory asked suspiciously. This didn't sound like the usual self-absorbed, head-elsewhere Stephanie that the creative department had had to put up with for the past few years.
"Give me some credit, Ivory, I just got on the plane. But Azrael's gone and ordered us a bottle of champagne for starters, so I may not be doing so well once I land." Her voice drifted towards the back. "Closing the door? Yes, yes, I know we have to turn off our cellphones, give me a second!" She turned her attention back to Ivory. "So what'll it be?"
Even debating whether Stephanie was under the influence of something or possessed, Ivory found herself accepting. Now she was here.
Snapping out of her reverie she noticed that they had started to bring in the contestants one by one. The first was a blonde who had tried to punk up her pink bikini by affecting a backwards baseball cap, fishnet stockings and a leather belt. She gave then a grin that mixed a bit of a smirk in it. This was Ashley.
"So, Ashley," Coach began, giving her a smile. "Tell us a little about yourself."
"Well I used to be a gymnast," Ashley said. "I have had some experience in front of a camera, like hosting shows and posing in magazines. I'm a huge fan of rock music and I'm also into motorcycles."
"Cool," Christy said, nodding her head. "How much do you want to be a diva?"
Ashley's smile widened. "More than I could possibly describe. I adore the business and I know it can benefit from me as much as I can benefit from it."
"Well, I got to tell you we love your overall look," Coach said, as Christy agreed with him with a few more bobs of her head. "You give off this spunky vibe and…" he trailed off as Ivory cleared her throat beside him. He had almost forgotten that it just wasn't him and Christy before. "Uh, you wanted to say something, Ivory?"
"So good of you to be so perceptive, Coach," Ivory said. She looked at Ashley. "I have a couple of questions for you, Ashley. Do you have any wrestling background? Training, experience?"
"Well, my dad and brother, as well as an uncle of mine, have all competed in the sport," Ashley offered.
"That's all well and good, but what about you?" Ivory followed up, her eyes hard.
"Not quite," Ashley said slowly, knowing that she had to give a good answer. "But I am more than willing to learn."
"Good," Ivory said, nodding her head. "So in the event you win this competition, you wouldn't be adverse to taking about a year off at OVW to train, now would you?"
"What?" Ashley looked stunned. "But I thought for sure training would coincide along with TV appearances. I mean Christy here appeared on almost every RAW following her win and…"
"So that's a no?" Ivory cut her off sharply.
Christy grabbed Coach's sleeve. "What is she doing?" she hissed.
"I don't know!" Coach hissed back frantically. He turned to the production manager. "Is she allowed to antagonize the contestants like that?"
"We were given orders to let her ask whatever questions she wants," he answered with a shrug. "Even if it's something as potentially embarrassing as how often one of the women shaves in a month or her bowel movement. As far as I'm concerned this is standard fare."
"Thank you, you may go," Ivory finally dismissed Ashley. The blonde, looking absolutely taken aback, trudged off the platform, pulling her cap off and scratching her head. "Next!"
Next up was Alexis, who proclaimed herself a big WWE fan and had appeared in a few movies as well as music videos. In response to Ivory's same question, she replied that she had had no professional training either. "Does backyard wrestling count, though?" she asked with a teasing smile.
Ivory's own smile had been frozen on her face, obviously not appreciating the joke. "No, I'm afraid it doesn't."
"Ivory, come on," Christy suddenly interrupted, although she tried to keep her tone light. "It was never specified in the qualifications that training or experience in the ring was necessary. It wasn't last year either."
Ivory couldn't help but snap back at her. "And do you sincerely think that was a good thing, Christy?"
Christy scowled immediately. "And what was that supposed to mean?"
"Ladies, ladies, please!" Coach said, looking distinctly uncomfortable between the two of them. "We do have a segment going on here that's being filmed! Let's finish this first!"
Meanwhile Alexis' brow furrowed in confusion. "Er, is that all?"
"Quite," Ivory answered before Christy could. It was suddenly becoming apparent now who was running the show. "Next!"
Christy seethed, Coach looked anxious. The next contestant stepped in. "Hello, I'm Summer," she greeted with a wave, clothed in something that was green and seemed to be held up only by means of dental floss, leaving little to the imagination. Off to the side a cameraman went for the impulsive, gratuitous ass shot.
Despite wincing at the scandalous getup of the blonde creature in front of her, Ivory's complacent smile had become wicked. Stephanie was right, this was fun. "So, I don't suppose you've had any wrestling background, hmm?"
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"I don't believe it; FIVE?" Pyper's angry voice rose over the blasting car stereo as she and O-Gee rolled down and came to a screeching stop at a red light.
O-Gee was at first too preoccupied to say anything, hands pressed in terror to her cheeks as she peeked out from between her fingers. Pyper, strangely enough, had managed to procure a driver's license and within two short weeks had proved that she was an even bigger menace to the roads than to Chris Jericho, if that was remotely possible. That morning, after learning she would have to get into a car with Pyper behind the wheel, O-Gee had clung to the doorframe of Azrael's pad and shrieked that she would rather push pins underneath her fingernails and bleed to death. It had taken Pyper ten minutes to pry her away and throw her into the car.
"Five!" Pyper continued her rant, flooring the gas pedal the minute the light turned green, narrowly missing an elderly woman who was just hobbling up to the relative safety of the curb. "I employ the worst nuts on my list to hound and stalk these chicks and they only scare off FIVE? Honestly!"
"Maybe the women really want to be divas that much," O-Gee suggested tentatively, still not taking her hands off from her face.
"Sure, but I figured that more than some of them would be spineless enough to bolt," Pyper sighed as she sped past a convertible whose driver flashed her the finger. "Good thing we have a Plan B. Not to mention a Plan C, D, E…" she grinned.
"So where are we going again?" O-Gee had been too terrified to remember if Pyper had told her.
"I told you!" Pyper said impatiently, taking her eyes off the road for a moment to fiddle with the radio controls and turn the volume down. "We're going to pose as chamber maids at the hotel those bimbos are staying at. We'll leave those chicks a couple of nasty surprises. Follow that up with what Ivory has in store for them tomorrow and they'll be easy picking."
"But I'm ten!" O-Gee argued, tentatively lowering her hands and then bringing them back up when Pyper careened around a left turn. "I won't be able to pass as a chamber maid!"
"Sure you will! We'll slap some shades on you and claim something's wrong with your eyes, plus a hat and say that you're having a bad hair day. Scurry along quietly and quickly and you'll pass for a really short camber maid."
"I have a better idea," O-Gee said, grabbing Pyper's mobile. "Can we just call Juice? She'd probably do it if you tell her what it's for."
"You know, that's just crazy enough to work," Pyper mused. She grabbed the phone and remained steering with her left hand, risking the clash of collision two fold. "Let's see, Juice, Juice…" she began to browse through the numbers.
"Pyper, pull up to a curb first! Pull up to a curb!" O-Gee pleaded in a shriek.
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TheWrestlingStoolPigeon-com
Women's Division Boosted by Two
It's been obvious to every fan save a rube who must have crawled out from under a rock two hours ago that the women's division has seemingly reached the end of a steep decline. With Trish Stratus on the injured list, Lita preoccupied with proclaiming herself the Slut of the Century and Victoria stuck in a dead end feud with Christy Hemme, the Women's Championship may find itself joining the European title and the Hardcore title in discarded belts heaven.
The tide may change soon enough, though. Just a couple of hours ago it was reported at Alexis Laree and Angel Williams, two women long recruited to the OVW register, had been unexpectedly moved up to the main roster. Laree and Williams, both well trained and talented in the ring, are expected to debut on RAW next week.
Considering the ongoing Diva Search, this move comes as a surprise. The fact that Stephanie McMahon, who is believed to have advocated the Diva Search, ordered them to be brought up personally is also a bit of a shock. This sudden change will hopefully bring a breath of fresh air to the crumbling women's division.
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»»»
Eric Bischoff was just relaxing with a cup of coffee in his office when the phone rang. Irritated, he nonetheless pressed the button for the speakerphone. "Yes, Bischoff here. What is it?"
"Eric, it's Coach," Jonathan Coachman's voice came through.
"Ah, Coach," Eric said with a grin, resuming his coffee, feet up on the desk. "Enjoying yourself at the Diva Search, I presume?"
"That's just it, Eric," Coach's voice sounded erratic. "You know that Ivory was instated as a third judge, right?"
"Vaguely. So? I didn't think that would bring about any problems," Bischoff grabbed a folder off his desk and began to idly shift through the lineup and bookings for the next show.
"I didn't either, until the round started," Coach said. "She started hitting these girls with questions about their wrestling prowess, drilling it in, demanding why they would join a WWE Diva Search if they had no experience in the ring, that sort of thing."
Bischoff frowned. "She does know that in-ring skills are optional, right?"
"Yeah, Christy reminded her, but I doubt she needed reminding. She was needling these girls on purpose. For God's sake, Eric, she made three of them cry! Add that to the fact that there's been a sudden extra round called for tomorrow, and I've heard it's going to involve a ring and Ivory at the helm. That's not going to be pleasant."
"Wait, an extra round?" Bischoff started. He shuffled through his papers some more and spotted a cleanly typed sheet, detailing the Diva Search variations in bullet points. The sheet right behind it highlighted the arrival of Alexis and Angel, as well as a segment involving them crashing the Diva Search while in the arena.
"What the fuck, I was never informed of these… who approved these anyway…?" Bischoff checked the signature and promptly spilt coffee on his shirt. On the line was the unmistakable John Hancock of Stephanie McMahon.
"Hey Eric, you still there?" Coach suddenly asked.
"It's Stephanie," he said in disbelief. "She's the one who's been sanctioning all these changes."
"I thought she was still vacationing in Paris."
"That was two months ago; last I heard she was in Jamaica," Bischoff said, frowning and setting his cup down. "I don't like this; even if Stephanie's around she never screws with the format that's already been lined up."
"So what do we do?"
"You stay on Ivory; make sure to control or minimize any damage she attempts to do," Bischoff ordered. "I'm going to find the writers and the bookers and see if I can't sort out this whole mess." Undermine my authority, will she? I don't think so!
"I'm on it, boss," Coach affirmed and then put down the phone.
Bischoff pressed the button to turn off the speakerphone and noticed the stain on his shirt. Grumbling, he dabbed at it with a napkin and thought frantically. Like he said, Stephanie never acted on anything. Somebody had to have pushed her into it. Now cursing, he got up and went into his private bathroom to hose the spot down.
Something fishy was going on here, and he was determined to find out what it was. Right after he got rid of this stupid stain.