Revan was shocked to see Carth standing outside her room. He looked like he hadn't slept much, dark rings shadowed eyes that were filled with desperation.
"I told you this wasn't over."
"Fine, but not here, let's go get some caffa." She quickly shut the door, blocking out his view of the interior with her body.
"Okay fine" he replied, grabbing her hand, he pulled her down the corridor. She felt her stomach do flips as the reality that his hand was in hers swept through her mind. His fingers moved to lace together with hers and she felt her face flush with excitement.
She stopped in her tracks, pulling her hand back. Carth appeared to have been anticipating the move. Their hands didn't slip apart, instead his whole body pulled back, pinning her against the cold wall. He brought his other hand up, sweeping it through her hair as he leaned in to kiss her.
She felt a shiver course through her body and didn't know if it was from pleasure or simply the metal wall. She stood frozen, savoring his touch, feeling the closeness of his body, anticipating the kiss that was filling her with desire.
As much as she wanted to receive and return that kiss, she knew she couldn't. She turned her head away, wrestling to break free of his grasp.
She spat out in a whisper, "Don't you ever try something like that again." Shooting him an icy stare to drive home her remark, she walked down the corridor not bothering to see if he followed.
When they reached the kitchen Revan quickly moved to begin brewing a pot of caffa.
"What the hell is wrong with you? What happened to you?" Carth asked in exasperation.
"Four years happened Carth. Seems there was this note, left on a pillow, told you to keep the Republic strong. I don't remember it saying anything about pining around, waiting for me. Obviously I wasn't clear enough so I'll be clear now." She gathered up all her strength and turned to face him.
"It's over Carth, it was over four years ago, only, you just chose not to believe it." She was amazed at how even and cold her words sounded.
"It seems you prefer life when you have something you're searching for, something you've made 'your cause'. First, the Wars, then Saul and now me. Well, it's time to find a new cause. I can't be the reason for your sad pathetic life any longer." She turned back around, waiting for the caffa to finish brewing.
She tried to tell herself she was only protecting him, she needed him to believe her words and knew this would be the only way. But it still did not lessen the pain caused by speaking them to him. She couldn't stop the guilt she felt nor could she bear to see his face. She had watched the growing shock and sadness that had come over it while she spoke.
Carth sat in stunned silence. He couldn't believe what he had just heard. He replayed each word in his head as the caffa slowly brewed. Revan had still not turned around.
He should have been angry but he only felt pain. Pain at her words and in the cruel delivery of them. Most importantly, pain as the realization hit that Revan didn't love him any more. His world was spiraling out of control once again.
"Why?" he finally asked.
Minutes passed before Revan finally turned around, placing two mugs on the table.
Appearing stronger then she actually felt, especially after delivering such a crushing blow to the man she loved, she began her explanation.
"I am a Jedi Carth. I cannot just ignore that and pretend I am like others. My life is different. It was only a matter of time before we would have both realized that things would not work out with us. I simply sped up the process. We were just fooling ourselves." Keep saying it Revan, maybe you can convince yourself, she thought
"We were caught in a moment, in a mission, that took us from one emotional upheaval to another. I'm surprised we're both as stable as we are after all that. The Jedi need me, my missions would have taken me further away, for longer periods of time. That wasn't fair to either of us. I've been on this mission for almost four years. I needed to concentrate on things, I couldn't be distracted. We're different, you and I, we both have a different path."
Calm Onasi, you need to remain calm. He repeated it in his head a few times before answering, immediately forgetting his vow.
"Revan, you are giving me a load of bantha dung. I want answers. If you felt the relationship was moving too fast we could have slowed down. You are right, we went through hell on that mission which is why I can't believe you just up and left. No discussion, no plan, almost as if it were temporary, now you speak as if it was final."
"I'm sorry" was the only pathetic response she could muster.
"Did you ever mean to come back or were you planning to avoid me forever?"
"I wasn't avoiding you" regretting the words before she even said them, she knew they were false and he knew it too. She had given him an opportunity to doubt her previous words and could only hope he hadn't picked up on it.
"You know, it seems you could check up on me whenever you wanted, but I didn't know anything. I didn't know where you were, if you were safe. Force, I don't even know if this encounter was pre-arranged on your part."
He was fishing for information and she could tell he was trying to remain calm. The grip he held on the mug made her fearful that it might shatter at any moment.
"Believe me Carth, I didn't know you would be here. It's not what I wanted. And I certainly didn't want to be ripped apart by a Rancor just to try and convince you otherwise."
"So I'm supposed to believe that? Can you tell me, did you ever want to see me again?"
"Seeing you is the last thing I wanted" she cried.
She noticed him wince and tried to soften her words, "I'm sorry Carth, I didn't mean it like that."
He pressed on and she began to tire of his interrogation. She knew it would only get worse.
"So you thought our relationship might be holding you back, from the Jedi?"
Exasperated, she cried out, "Can you possibly wrap your thick skull around the fact that there may be more important things then us. Then what you or I want?"
He seemed to be ignoring anything she was trying to say. He had his own agenda.
"Can we rebuild? Is there any chance for us?" He began to get angry, slamming his mug down on the table, "Dammit, I trusted you!"
The meaning behind those words hit her like a force push. Trust, and the betrayal that usually followed, had always been his biggest foe. Revan hung her head in shame, holding back the tears that were welling up inside. She couldn't look at him anymore and rose to leave, staring at the grey plates on the floor.
"No, don't leave." He sighed, rubbing his face with his palms. "I know I don't own you or control you. I'm sorry if I ever came across that way."
"Carth, you would have done the same in my situation."
He rose from the table himself now, "How can you say that? How dare you assume to know what I would have done!"
His fist hammered down on the table, making his mug shake. "Did you think I valued my position more than you! Have you forgotten that I left my command for you, for US? Dammit woman, look at me!"
She held her head up but her gaze was looking past him, "I am a JEDI, Carth."
"You can't keep running Rev, you can't hide behind your Jedi excuses while denying it at the same time."
Confusion spread across her face so he continued, "If you believe so strongly in your Jedi teachings, then how can you deny this chance encounter, if that's what it is. Continue denying that the force has brought us together again?"
"I don't have all the answers Carth, I haven't had time to think. Things have happened so fast. I … I … think maybe I'm supposed to give you closure, so you can move on."
"I don't want to move on! I want to be with you. There are more important things than being a Jedi!" he voice rose as he spoke, control leaving him.
"But you have to move on" she pleaded, looking directly at him now.
"Why? To what?"
"To your destiny Carth, to help the Republic."
"I don't fracking care about the Republic! YOU are what's important to me!"
Her mouth dropped, "You are a career soldier, how can you say that!"
"I've been a career soldier long enough!" he shot out.
She couldn't believe what she was hearing. Immediately she began to speak,
"This is why the Jedi frown on love. You are forgetting what is important. We are both too important to the cause to hold our relationship above anything else. These self indulging thoughts weaken the Republic and allow Jedi to fall to the Dark side."
His fury rose as he took three steps towards her, "Stop it with that banthashit. I mean that's, that's … the cause," he scoffed. "I fought for the cause once and lost everything I had! I'm not going to make that same mistake again."
Tears began streaming down her face, "It's not just your decision alone to make Carth."
"So this has all been about some mission? Why couldn't you just have told me!"
She was having an all out battle with her emotions and couldn't stop the tears, they were flowing freely now. She was sobbing and her body was ready to start convulsing as she tried to regain control. "Carth, there are some things …"
Her words were cut short by a small voice, "Ma'ma are you okay?"