Saturday July 17th 11:45 AM
I've just stared at the blank screen for about ten minutes thinking about what to write. I don't know how to put all of this into words.
When did I last write? A week ago? Two weeks ago? The Bash. Right after the Bash. Right after I sat in the back seat of Rico's car.
Rico and I are closer than ever. I've never had feelings like this before. I never new I could have feelings like this at all. I'm wishing I had my paint set. Then I could really show how I was feeling. This writing junk can only express so much.
I don't know how much sense this is going to make. I guess when I read it later (and delete this journal because Janine can NEVER see this) it'll make sense.
What's been happening?
Take Tuesday. We'd just gotten back from the vacation thing. I went out with Rico, and had dinner at his house.
Mr. and Mrs. Chavez are SO cool. They GIVE Rico condoms and tell him to have a good time. They don't mind that I brought 3 gallons of ice cream in their house and ate them all myself. (Though Mrs. Chavez did make sure I had a tooth brush after the ice cream and mentioned cavities. I guess they're still parents beneath it all) Really, though, their more like Rico's friends. And their my friends too.
Anyway, Tuesday. Dinner at the Chavez's. We had tacos and Rico dared me to put chocolate chips on it after I said that chocolate was good on anything. Then everyone laughed when I said that it tasted just fine. Which it did. Chocolate. You can't go wrong. Then we had this apple pie that Mr. Chavez had baked and I shared some of my ice cream so we could have it ALA MODE. After that Rico and I went up to his room.
Which, Rico has his room decorated really cool. His walls are painted a blue-gray and are covered in band posters. Then around the ceiling, he has chili pepper shaped Christmas lights (I want to make them into earrings). Then he's got normal stuff like a desk and a computer and a bed. His room isn't messy, but is cluttered, a lot like mine. But mine is art supplies and clothes. His are clothes, CD cases, and magazines.
I had plenty of time to study his room when he went back downstairs to get us sodas. I poked threw a stack of magazines. Rolling Stone, Blender, and then I found the PLAYBOY! I could hear him coming up the stairs so I sat back on the bed and opened it up to a random page (that did have a naked woman on it, surprise, surprise) and pretended to be reading it.
Rico nearly dropped the cans he was holding. "WHEREDIDYOUFINDTHAT?"
I waved it at him. "It's fiiiine."
His face was beat red. "Claudia!"
"Rico!"
He set the sodas on the desk and jumped on the bed with me. He grabbed the magazine from me and held it out so we could both see it. "Are you into this sort of stuff?"
I shrugged. "I've never looked at this sort of stuff before. I don't know if I'm into it."
He wrapped one arm around me and flipped pages with the other and we looked through the magazine together.
Maybe I'm bi, like Justin is. Because at first I thought looking at all those naked pictures would get boring, but it wasn't. By the time we were at the end of it, I was ready for SOMETHING. But then I didn't know what.
Rico noticed this, and he slid his hand onto my waist and undid my belt. "Is this okay?"
I was getting even more excited by this than the Playboy.
He pulled off my belt (Well, Stacey's belt) and undid the snaps on my pants (I was wearing the cool ones with the five snap buttons) and slid his hand beneath my underwear.
He gave me this sort of half a smile and said, "You're going to have to tell me what to do because I'm blind here."
I have no idea how to describe what Rico did, but it felt AWESOME. I had to do everything I could to keep from shouting out loud.
This was a great day. This was fantastic.
Then we went to that party and everyone was passing around drugs. Well, I had heard enough about drugs over the years to now that you don't do them. But when Rico used the words "Social drug" I asked him what that meant.
"It's just the sort of thing you do at a party," he explained. "Not the stuff you use on a daily basis, no one wants to do that, it's just sad. But at a party? A whole different story."
He accepted the joint handed to him and suckdin a lungful. He exhaled and nodded. He handed it to me.
I held it for a moment and then, with an encouraging look from Rico, took a hit. It tasted gross, smelled gross, and I coughed a whole bunch.
Rico got me a glass of water.
"Maybe that's not for me," I said. I didn't really feel that comfortable anyway.
"It's okay," he replied. "It's not for everyone."
I nodded. I drank a beer (gross the first few sips, but after a while, it tasted pretty good), but he didn't drink any, because he was driving.
It was a fun evening.
And then, when we were on the vacation, Stacey telling me about her oral sex experiences. I know she thought that's what Rico and I were doing. Not then we weren't. It was still innocent. Still just a game. It was second base. Rounding third.
Thursday night... Thursday night with Rico was fantastic. We were up in his room making out, touching, and, well, the orange tank top I was wearing? It spent the night on the floor. I spent the night in Rico's bed.
Then, not thinking about Stacey, I went down on Rico for the first time. We used one of the condoms his parents gave him. I didn't think about that either. I don't think I thought about anything. After I was done (well, after Rico was done), I curled up next to him and he said, "I love you, Claudia."
I sort of gave a gasp and replied, "I love you too, Rico."
Boys have told me they loved me before, but I don't think it meant as much. Not when there was everything else we had done together.
Then we fell asleep. I woke up late and Rico drove me to Dawn's as fast as possible.
Ugh, then everyone jumped all over me. What are they, my parents? And who the hell is Sunny to try and tell me about sex? At least what I'm doing is with someone I KNOW. Someone I LOVE. Not some stranger who bought me a couple drinks. And Mary Anne, who wouldn't even go past open mouth kissing. Dawn, good god, when was the last time Dawn had a DATE?
The only person who even had a right to talk to me about this was Stacey and all she was going to do is lecture me on how much time I'm spending with Rico. Well, it just so happens that I enjoy spending my time with Rico.
I'm a horrible friend and an awful person.
But then there was last night.
Rico and I bickered all night about stupid things. What movie to watch.
What pizza toppings to get. What scent of candle to light.
"You know what?" Rico said.
"What?"
"Let's get out of here. Let's go somewhere."
It was eight o'clock, I still had two hours before I needed to be back at the Schafer's. So I said, "Sure. Where do you want to go?"
"Let's just drive."
So we got in Rico's car and he drove us to this secluded little park.
He climbed over the seat into the back. "C'mon."
"Rico, I'm in a skirt," I said. The short black one (looked so cute with my leopard print tights).
He paused. "Um, just take it off."
I paused too. Then I kicked off my boots and wiggled my way out of the skirt. I stopped and peeled off the tights too. I looked up and Rico was smiling at me in the darkness.
I climbed over the seat and into his arms.
We moved around until I was lying across the backseat and he was on top of me. We were kissing and he unbuttoned my top with one hand and was undoing his belt with the other.
"Rico, where are we going with this?" I asked. My voice was all raspy.
"Wherever you want it too."
"I don't know. I don't..."
Rico kissed my forehead. "It's okay."
I felt so at ease. Despite the fact that there was a seat belt digging in my back, I was relaxed. I knew what he wanted to do. I could see it in his eyes (and in the buldge in his pants). I wasn't sure if I wanted it too. But I looked at him, and I felt overwhelmed with love toward him. And what surely had to be lust. I kissed him and ubuttoned his pants. "I want to."
Rico reached into the back pocket of his now loosely fitted jeans and pulled out a condom.