July 17th
Well. I don't know what to say. I'm at a loss for words.
I slept in late after spending another night awake waiting up for Claudia who didn't come in until two-thirty. She went to bed right away again. So did I.
I woke up late, took a shower and when I walked back into the rec room, Claudia was hunched over the computer, typing away. I couldn't see her face.
I sat down and brushed my hair and finally I looked at her.
"Claudia, why are you shutting me out?"
She turned and looked at me. "Because it's not any of your business."
"I'm your best friend, Claud. It may not be my business, but I'm worried, we all are. If you tell me, whatever it is, if you robbed a bank, I swear, I won't tell anyone." I slid off the chair and onto the floor next to her. She closed the screen on the laptop.
"I wouldn't try to read your journal," I said, a little testy.
"Stacey," Claud said in a very serious voice, "I've done something really stupid."
Of course I jumped to all sorts of horrible conclusions, one of them wondering if she HAD robbed a bank. However, what came out of my mouth was a very calm, non-conclusion jumping voice. "You can tell me."
She stared at her hands and avoided my eyes. "Rico and I... last night we had sex."
I was stunned. Oral sex I could understand. But all the way? I tried to not be stunned, I tried to not let my shock show on my face, but I'm sure that it did. "As in...?"
She nodded. "All the way."
I had a Mary Anne moment and said, "Claud, it was... you were okay with it right?"
"Yeah, well..." Claudia frowned deeper. "Sort of. I mean, I didn't say no. And I wanted it, but I don't know... now that I've done it... I wish that I hadn't."
Dad says this phrase "Hindsight is 20-20." I didn't feel like telling that to Claudia. She didn't need a quip of wisdom. She needed her best friend.
I gave Claudia a hug and held her for a long time.
"I'm so stupid!" Claud said, pulling away. "Why did I do it? Why couldn't I just be okay with what we were doing? Why did I have to take it further?"
"It goes both ways," I said, not asking what else they had done.
She started crying. "I lost my virginity in the backseat of a car five days after my fourteenth birthday with the seat belt digging into my back!"
If that quote was on TV, I would have laughed. But it was my best friend. "I'm so sorry, Claud. What did... Rico say?"
"It was his first time too. So he was pretty wowed and he came and I didn't and it wasn't amazing like I'd always thought. He wanted to do it again, but it hurt, and I didn't want to do it again. I don't think I ever want to do it again. Ever."
"Maybe you'll feel differently when you're more ready," I said. So I'd been the first to go down on a guy. Claudia was the first to go all the way. The difference was extreme.
"I don't know," she said. She looked at me for the first time. I don't know what my facial expression was, but she said, "Don't worry Stace, he didn't pressure me into it. I said I wanted to. He said it was okay if I didn't, but I did. I just realize now that it the wrong choice."
I believed her. I really didn't think that Rico had pressured her to do anything, but sometimes it seems like it could be the only reason. I guess that's why Mary Anne asked if I'd been molested when she found out I'd gone down on guys. She didn't want to believe that I'd done anything like that of my own will.
Claudia laid down and now I'm still stunned.
I can't tell anyone. I can't talk to anyone about this. I will not betray my best friend. I think I'm going to go do something that doesn't require a lot of thinking. I don't think I can think straight about anything right now.
July 18th
Today, a week after her actual birthday, we had Claudia's birthday present exchange. It was just us that were here at the Schafer-Olson house, Sunny, Rico, Ducky, and Justin. Maggie and Amalia kept turning down our offers for things. Sunny said that Brendan, Amalia's boyfriend, was back in town early, but she didn't know why. But that wouldn't explain why Maggie skipped too.
I noticed when Rico arrived, there wasn't that huge, excited greeting they'd been having. He and Claud hugged and he kissed her gently. It was sweet.
It was strange. At the beginning of this trip, we sort of broke off into groups. Me and Ducky and Justin, then Kristy joined up with us. I'd sort of drifted away from Claud until yesterday. Sunny and Mary Anne. Dawn with a little bit of everyone. Claudia hung out with Amalia and Maggie, through the band, I guess. Now, things were sort of mixed.
Claudia sat next to Rico, holding his hand. They looked like they gained some sort of new maturity. I was next to Claud and Ducky was on my other side. Justin sat next to him (more hand holding) and Mary Anne was next. Then Dawn, then Sunny who was talking intently with Kristy in a hushed voice.
"Presents!" I said in a slightly fake cheery voice. I grabbed one to hand to Claudia.
"Wait!" Carol said from the kitchen doorway. "I have a surprise!"
She hurried out of the room and came in with a huge chocolate frosted birthday cake with fourteen glowing candles. She set in front of Claudia. "Make a wish!"
Claudia looked as if she would cry at the prospect of making a wish. She blew out the candles and didn't say another word about it.
Mrs. Bruen started cutting the cake and Carol brought in a smaller cake that was just enough for two people. "Sugar free for Stacey and Dawn."
After the cake was cut (The sugar free cake was gone in a second, but the huge one hardly had a dent in it), the adults left and we piled our presents in front of Claud.
She loved the earrings I got her. Who else would want dangly earrings in the shape of the state of California? Mary Anne also got her earrings, little Oscar statuettes.
Everyone was strangely subdued. I knew why Claudia and Rico were being quiet. Even Claud's outfit was quiet. Brown courdory pants with brown converse sneakers. She wore a dark green tank top and simple silver hoops of varying sizes in her ears. Her hair was pulled back in a braid.
Kristy, who usually blabbed everything, hardly said a word. She seemed oddly stiff and not really like herself. She wasn't even dressed like herself. She was wearing nice pants and a cute tank top that was trimmed in lace. I had to ask her one thing, though.
"Kristy, where's the ugly sports bra straps?"
She smiled sheepishly. "Yesterday Sunny and I went out and got me a strapless."
"Oh, it was okay when you went out with Sunny to get a sexy bra," I teased.
"Shut up," she said, laughing. She stopped laughing abruptly when Justin came up behind her.
"Practice tomorrow?" he asked.
She looked up at him and nodded. "Sounds good."
"Great." He patted her shoulder and went over to where Ducky was sitting the couch with Dawn. Kristy looked a little pale (which was odd, since she's been sunburnt probably five times since we've been here), but she went on talking with me.
I was aware that something was up there, but I'm way too concerned about Claud to worry about Kristy. I know that seems mean, but she's been really close with Sunny lately so maybe Sunny can help. But who knows with Sunny. (I don't know about that, but I tried to be as supportive and understanding of Sunny, especially the night of the club.)
After the party, I talked to Claud alone. "So, how do you feel?"
She took a deep breath. "Better now that I've seen Rico again. I'd thought about breaking up with him. But we talked this morning before the party. On the phone. And he... he apologized for what happened, and we really talked about it."
She didn't give me any details, and I didn't press her for any. It was a very private thing that happened between her and Rico. But I'm glad that they're working things out.
Ducky invited me out to go shopping while Justin and Kristy were training. I told him that I wouldn't have enough money to last me out the trip if we kept going shopping. I told him we should go get our nails done, but he wasn't too keen on that idea. I thought he could use it, though, with those bitten down things he has.
So I suggested renting a movie and getting popcorn. He thought THAT was a good idea and we sort of fake-argured about movies.
I don't know what I should be thinking. I'm pretending that what's going on here is normal.
What's going on here is NOT normal.