7/19
I quit my job today. I tried to get time off, and they said because John (Brendan's mom, Dedree, told me that I can call them by their first names. It's sort of weird) isn't MY family, no matter what I had to say, I couldn't take off as much time as I wanted.
So I quit.
Papi isn't too happy, but Mami is able to see my side of things. She said I did the right thing. It's not up to my employers to decide what's important in my life. And is probably just as well.
Brendan's family has been really great about having me around. I keep telling them that it's a family thing and I don't have to be there. I feel like I'm intruding on their family business.
Dedree, when Brendan wasn't around, told me that she likes having me around for moral support for Brendan. That I keep his spirits up. She does want to cry in front Brendan or John, but especially John.
She's always coming out of his room crying.
He isn't doing very well.
I'm sort of worried about my friends. With the exception of Maggie, I'm sort of shutting them out, I think. I haven't seen Dawn, or Claudia, or any of the guys in the band in days. I call Maggie nearly every night. I hate putting this all on her. She says it fine, and she owed it to me after everything that happened with her mom.
I guess.
Last night I ended up spending the night at Brendan's, we got back from the hospital so late. Their guest bedroom is really nice. However, I was freaking out over the thought that Brendan was going to see me the next morning when I didn't have a change of clothes or a toothbrush.
However, Dedree got me a big t-shirt to sleep in and she had a new toothbrush that she had gotten for herself but hadn't opened yet that she gave to me. She told me to leave in the bathroom for if I came back.
I don't know if that was a good sign or not.
I'm sitting up in bed (I called Mami from the hospital telling her where I was staying) not really sleepy, but knowing that I should sleep.
There's a knock at the door.
"Come in," I say.
Brendan opens the door and comes in. "Hey."
"Hey."
He sits down on the chair next to the bed. "I just want to thank you for hanging out with us at the hospital. It really means a lot to my mom."
I reach over and grab his hand. "And to you?"
He nods. He looks down like he's going to cry.
He hasn't cried in front of me. I don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing. So I say, "It's okay to cry."
"I know," he says. "But I think if I cry, it's like... giving up on him. Like accepting... something. Something I don't want to accept."
"He's going to get better," I say, sounding much more confident than I was feeling.
"I'm telling myself that," he says. "I'm so afraid that... if I keep telling myself that and it... doesn't come to pass. I don't know." Then he starts crying. Sobbing.
I slide out of the bed and pull him into a hug and he sobs into my shoulder.
"I'm sorry, Amalia," he says. "I'm sorry."
"It's okay," I reply. "You earned a good cry."
"Amalia, I'm so scared," he said.
As far as I know, Brendan's parents never knew that Brendan ended up staying in the guest room with me. I know Mami and Papi would pass out if they never. Even if nothing happened, most people (parents) don't believe that.
I didn't get any sleep at all last night. I stayed up with Brendan the entire time. He fell asleep sometime around two in the morning. I was still up and looking like a zombie at seven this morning.
That's when I went to the Ice Cream Palace and I quit when they wouldn't let me have time off. It wasn't until last night that I realized how much Brendan needs me. It's not a needy thing, but he... oh, it makes sense in my head.
I just need to get some sleep.
Later 7/19
I'm at Dawn's house. Apparently, she called Maggie and demanded to know what going on. Out of her concern. Dawn grilled her until she told her what was going on.
I don't mind. I wasn't trying to hide it from them. It was just that they hadn't really told anyone outside their family, except for me. So I didn't want to tell anyone either. But my friends were so worried about me.
I tell Dawn what was happening with John, and she's terribly sympathetic.
"It's a family thing," I explain. "That's the only reason I didn't tell you guys. I told Maggie because, well, I had to tell someone."
Dawn nods. "I understand. We were just worried about you. You just suddenly dropped out of everything."
"Yeah, I'm sorry. I should have known I could trust you guys."
"I understand," Dawn says again. She pauses. "How's he doing?"
"Not very well," I reply heavily.
"Is there anything we can do?" she asks.
I think for a moment. "You know how you believe in all that positive thinking? Put it to John. He needs it."
"I will. Um, do you want to tell the others?"
"I think so. I know I can trust them. I know they're not going to spread it around."
"Um..." She pauses for a long moment "Do you want me to call Sunny?"
I think about it. "No, I will. It, maybe, won't be so... I mean... she's never even met him."
Dawn nods, but she doesn't look very convinced. I don't feel very convinced.
So after that, I tell Claudia and Stacey who were home. Dawn tells me that she'll let Mary Anne and Kristy know later. I promise to call Sunny and Ducky. I still haven't, but it's only seven-thirty.
I'm still nervous about calling Sunny. Just because I don't know how she'll react. Her mother died from lung cancer, and I'm going to lay on her that my boyfriend's dad has it too? She hasn't met him, so that may make a difference, but what if it doesn't? What if she freaks out? What if she goes back into that rebellion shell she had up for so long?
I'm starting to panic about what I'm going to do for money. Maybe Sunny's dad will give me a job? Maybe out of sympathy? Do I even want HIM to know?
I'm really confused. About everything.
7/20
I'm sitting at the hospital. Brendan and his mom are in seeing John. I actually saw him for the first time today. No wonder his mom comes out and cries. He's a pretty big guy, but lying there on that bed, he looks so tiny. His hair's already starting to fall out from the chemo, and he looks weak and peaky. He could hardly even lift a plastic cup full of water.
That alone nearly made me cry.
But he smiled and he seemed really glad to see me. He joked about the nurses coming in at three in the morning for urine samples, and I blushed and that made everyone laugh, even me. How could he joke? He could be... no, I'm not going to say it. He's sick. He's sick and he's laughing about normal things. His wife leaves and she cries. He has to know that Dedree does this.
I have no idea how I got through it without bursting into tears. I did that after I walked out of the room. Brendan held me, and I felt guilty because it's his dad, and he's comforting me.
I don't know how he stayed composed for so long.
"Want to get coffee or something?" Brendan asks.
"Okay," I say.
We go down to the room full of vending machines. You can get ANYTHING out of these vending machines. Coffee, sandwiches, cups of chili, candy, soda, whatever. I guess it's for people who are here a lot and need variety. I hope we don't become those people.
I get a soda and a sandwich. Brendan gets the same. Neither of us end up with coffee, but I guess it's easier to just ask to go out for coffee than anything else.
We sit in silence for a long time, and I mention that Dawn asked what was going on and that I'd told her. "They really wanted to know why I hadn't been around for a few days. I mean, no one had really heard from me at all."
He nods. "It's fine, Amalia. No one asked for it to be a secret. It's just that... we still don't know anyone here. All of our family is out in Massachusetts. I think that's why my parents have been okay with you being here. Why they want you here."
I smile a little bit. "I guess so."
"It's true," Brendan says, taking my hand in his. "Really, it is. We're glad you're here."
I'm glad they want me here, but I wish that I wasn't here. I wish that this wasn't the reason I was closer to Brendan and his family.
I'll keep you posted, Nbook.