July 21st
Ugh. I don't want to or need to write about today.
In fact, I'd like to forget it ever happened.
Thank you and good-night.
July 22nd
Thinking back on it, it's not that bad. I mean, it's bad, but it's not that bad. It could have been worse. I just feel like a fool. I am a fool.
I'm a fool, and idiot, and... other horrible things. I didn't MEAN to try and steal Ducky's boyfriend. Not that I did. Not that I could. Or would.
Again, a horrible person. I am.
Justin is... a very nice guy. I don't think I've ever really met a guy like him before. Which is probably why I like him so much. I mean, if he wasn't living across the country and already with someone, I'd probably say it was a match made.
And how could you not think so? He's nice, he's good-looking, he doesn't treat you like you're dumb just because you're younger. Who wouldn't like him? What's there not to like? Of course, there's the fact that he has a boyfriend.
I've certainly never gone goopy like this over a guy before. I don't really want to ever again. I'm sort of making myself sick.
And not just because of my mushy thoughts.
Yesterday, I went over to Justin's to practice lacrosse. We hadn't the day before because Justin went to that party thing, but I didn't mind. I needed a break from the lacrosse. Really, I needed a break from Justin.
We had been out in the backyard playing for like two hours before we came in for a break. Justin got us bottles of water and we sat at the kitchen table. I love Justin's kitchen. It reminds me a lot of my own with the big long table with the benches on either side and matching chairs on the ends.
"So, what does your mom think about you and Ducky?" I asked.
"Wouldn't know," Justin replied. "Because she doesn't know. She doesn't care. I was gone for three days, I left a note. When I came back, the note hadn't moved. Neither had anything else in the house. She spent the entire time at work, sleeping on the couch in her office."
"Oh," I said.
"It's not a big deal. By the time she started this, when Mike moved out early last year, I was able to take care of myself."
"I'm sorry," I replied, not sure what to say.
"It has its upsides. Mom makes a crapload of money so I don't need to have a summer job. I guess I'm just a spoiled brat, but hey, I work hard all school year long, I make good grades, so why shouldn't I relax all summer?"
"You're not a spoiled brat," I said. "You're helping me out, so it's not all relaxation and fun."
"What do you mean? Bossing you around is a blast."
"Shut up!" I exclaimed, grinning. "You're not making me do anything, I just do them because I think they're... good ideas."
He nodded, obviously unconvinced. "Uh-huh, Kristy. That's exactly it, I'm sure."
I chewed on the inside of my mouth, trying not to say anything TOO mean, and Justin was looking terribly amused (it was infuriating and gorgeous. Did I just say "gorgeous"? I'm a sucker). He started laughing and I reached over and started hitting his shoulder.
"Stop that!" Justin said. He grabbed my wrist and I don't know what happened next. I don't know what made me do it. Or him. Or anything. I don't know who started it or if it was both of us or what. I keep replaying it in my mind, but it's like I blacked out or something.
We were kissing. It was somewhere between a movie kiss. You know, the open mouth kissing with a ton of tongue. Somewhere between that and a peck. It was kind of open, I guess. No tongue. It wasn't really sloppy or anything.
Again, I don't know who pulled away first. I think it was both of us at the same time. Like it clicked what we were doing.
I stood up and backed away. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I didn't want, I did, but I... I gotta go." I ran into the backyard where my stuff was sitting.
"Kristy, wait," Justin said, following me out.
"I've got to go," I said, trying to get around him without touching him. I think I was afraid that if I touched him I might end up kissing him again.
It turned out I didn't have a choice because Justin grabbed my arm. "Wait. Let's talk about this."
"There's nothing to talk about," I said. "I need to leave. I need to go back to Connecticut. In fact, I think I should just leave the planet."
He laughed. "You're overreacting."
"No, I'm not. I kissed you. And you have a boyfriend. And I'm an idiot."
"You're not an idiot," Justin said. "And I kissed you too."
I was a little stunned. "I - I know."
"Look, I'm not going to stand here and deny that I'm attracted to you."
I stared at him. "You are?"
"Kristy, you are more than any guy would want. You're smart and witty, athletic and sexy. Believe me, it hasn't been easy. But I'm with Chris, and... I've wanted to be with him for a while now, and-"
"It's not practical," I said. "I live on the other side of the country."
"Yeah," he agreed.
"And the fact that you totally love Ducky."
He paused, went a bit pink, and then smiled. "Yeah, well, kinda."
"I thought so. Um, are you going to tell him?" I asked. I think I was more nervous about Ducky knowing. He's been so good to all of us this trip, and here I was, not only having a huge crush on his boyfriend, but kissing him. I wasn't even planning on telling Sunny, considering she has a bigger mouth than me and she's Ducky's best friend.
"I don't know," Justin admitted. "I haven't gotten that far."
"I'm not going to tell anyone. I feel so..."
"I feel disappointed," he said.
I shrugged. "I'm a bad kisser, aren't I? And you're just the first guy who had the nerve to tell me."
"No, no, you're not. I'm just disappointed that this timing was all off. Maybe if we meet again at a better time."
I thought about Ducky, and I thought about how I would hate for things to not work out for him. He's a great guy. I wanted things to work out. I wanted things to work out for Justin too. I smiled and sighed. "Or maybe things are right just as they are."
Justin smiled the same sort of sad smile. "Maybe."
He knew what I was thinking. I think he even knew what I was feeling. But that doesn't stop the fact that he still had Ducky and I was still alone.
Maybe I'm just beginning to get what all my friends had put together last year. Maybe guys weren't so bad. Maybe, in fact, they were really great. At least some of them.
I hate to say it, but maybe I'm finally growing up. Catching up.
I'm going back to Justin's tomorrow for practice again. Ducky's going to be there. So is Stacey. I think it's going to be okay.
I 'll admit, I still like him. I really do.
And I think I'm sick of this journal.