This started as one thing and mutated into something else entirely. I hope you enjoy, and don't forget to review.
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, his parents, the other characters, the world, or basically anything you see in this story. It was all created by J. K. Rowling.
Chapter 1
Evans,
Rumour has it that Hogwarts is having a Yule Ball this year. Go with me to it?
Yrs sincerely,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
I told you once I'd rather date the Giant Squid than you. This time I asked—he's available, so you're out.
Leave me alone,
Lily Evans
Evans,
The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date. You're Head Girl, you ought to know better. You should be setting an example for the rest of the school.
Thinking of you,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Setting an example? Do you ever listen to yourself speak? Keep that in mind next time you set about doing something completely and utterly inappropriate for the Head Boy to be even thinking about.
Wondering how you even got to be Head Boy,
Lily Evans
Evans,
I set a very good example, thank you very much.
Wishing you were here,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
You're delusional
Working on her Charms homework,
Lily Evans
Evans,
Me? Delusional? I'll have you know that Pa—Sirius has almost entirely stopped giving Peeves water balloons to set loose on the ickle first years because of the example I set. Well, usually refrains from giving Peeves water balloons or other arsenal. All right, if you must know, he's cut back on it and that's the truth. In fact, he didn't give Peeves anything remotely bomb-like last Wednesday because I'd asked him not to, so that ought to count at the very least.
Besides, I'm not the one trying to take an aquatic animal to a school ball, which is the point we ought to be focusing on right now. How could he even breathe the air? Didn't you think of that? I asked McGonagall and she said that under no circumstances is any student allowed to bring a beast to the Ball.
Yrs very maturely,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Once again, you've proved my point. Delusional. Utterly, utterly delusional.
I'm not taking the Giant Squid to the Yule Ball. I never planned to in the first place. And now McGonagall thinks you fancy the Giant Squid.
Sod off,
Lily Evans
Evans,
I wasn't asking for my own sake, I was asking for yours!
Missing you,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Does she know that?
Decidedly not missing you,
Lily Evans
Evans,
Of course she does. What else could she think?
Yrs truly,
Jas. Potter
My Clueless Potter,
That you could even ask such a question proves to me that you really are a clueless berk. If a boy comes asking about the rules surrounding bringing an animal to a school dance as a date, a professor will naturally start locking up his or her sheep. Just in case.
The cluelessness part, believe it or not, is almost as bad as the berk part when it comes to potential boyfriend material. Though even if the cluelessness part could be overcome, the fact that you are you counts heavily against you.
Shaking my head,
Lily
Evans,
Ha! You called me yours! So you will go to the dance with me!
Happily yrs,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Did you even read my letter? Or did your brain block out any bad news? It must block out large part of our acquaintance, then, since it always turns into a disappointment for you.
Despairing,
Lily Evans
Evans,
Of course I read it! How else would I know that you think of me as yours?
Yrs lovingly,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Delusional.
Evans
Evans,
That's all you ever say. It doesn't win the argument, no matter how often you repeat it. Sirius does the same thing, and it doesn't win him the arguments either.
No it doesn't, Padfoot.
Just because you're calling me a wanker doesn't mean you win the argument.
Stop saying that, Padfoot.
You have to use more words if you want me to be convinced. It's not an argument otherwise.
No, I'm not a wanker.
Stop it.
Git.
Sorry, Evans, I was using a Quick Quotes and Sirius side-tracked me from this.
Yrs, &c.,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
If you insist on persisting in sending me these letters, at least have the decency to write a second copy instead of forcing me to read a one-sided argument between yourself and Black. I hear them often enough during class (which, might I add, is disruptive and a good example of the way that you don't set a good example as Head Boy) and have no wish for them to intrude upon my privacy, too.
Fed up,
Lily Evans
Evans,
You never answered my question. Will you go to the Ball with me?
Yr Jas. Potter
Not my Potter,
Firstly, I have answered already. Secondly, there is no Ball. The rumour was only that: a rumour. There's no Ball so therefore I cannot accompany you to this non-existent Ball.
Enough is enough,
Lily Evans
Evans,
But if there had been a Ball, would you have gone with me?
Wishing you were here,
Jas. Potter
Potter,
Yes. Yes I would have. Unfortunately, there is no Ball, so I'm afraid our date can never be.
Slightly intoxicated,
Lily Evans
Evans,
It isn't nice to tease the Head Berk so. Prongs has been dancing around the room and generally making an ass of himself all evening since he received your last letter. He actually believes you're willing to go out with him. If you thought he was bad before, just wait until you see him now.
Sirius Black
Black,
Please tell me you're kidding. Surely Potter has half an ounce of sense at the very least.
Evans
Evans,
Sorry, you're out of luck. Our dear Prongs Berk sincerely believes you . He is already planning the wedding, in fact. I would run while you still have the chance. I'll try to curse him into some sense, but I'm afraid that's not going to happen any time soon.
Curiously, what do you think of lilies for your wedding bouquet? Prongs seems to think he's cottoned on to something incredibly clever in remembering you share a name with a certain type of flower. Did you know he has identified over thirteen varieties of lilies so far? Do you know how boring it is to listen to Herbology lectures even in class, let alone late at night when a bloke is trying his hardest not to think about school at all.
Sirius Black
Black,
Kill me. Kill me now.
Evans
In the next chapter:
From the Desk of Jas. Potter
To Do:
Learn Carbon-Copy Charm in order to make multiple copies of Evans' acceptance letter. Need:
- one copy for prosperity;
- one for safekeeping (so she doesn't spontaneously forget, like last time);
- three copies to disprove those betting against me (four if Sirius spontaneously sets one on fire—again);
- four to post on notice boards in each house; plus
- one more to post on notice board in teacher's lounge.