Romance/Angst
Rating: pg-13 will be going up
Title: Painful Bliss haven't really decided yet. But I like how that sounds
Summary: "Why is that when I'm near you, I can't breathe? Why is it that when I wake up in the morning, and you're not by my side, I don't feel like living?"
Sirius Black is struggling to come to grips with his past, and when feelings for Remus come to a breaking point, will he find himself on the lonely road of celibacy or, in the most unlikely events, find a reason that he's worth being loved? Mild AU Rating will be going up. Note: This mainly is from Sirius' perspective, mostly because this story's about him dealing with a broken and abusive family. Remus will come in occasionally, and he's also dealing with a lot of crap at home, in a different form. Better stop now or there won't be any point in reading the story…
POV: Sirius
Dawn.
The only time in this wretched house hold that I find worthy my presence.
To see the early light of day, seeping into the night sky; like love seeping into the crevices of my broken mind and seemingly incomplete soul…
The empty feeling that for so long has occupied my mind, disappearing for those rare seconds when the first light of a new day caresses the sky with soft gentle brush strokes…
The way each petal of every flower glistens, honoring the sun goddess.
Or the way the dew on every blade of glass rolls gently away, like tears being dried by a loving hand. The way the moist earth yields into the sure footsteps that silently press into the caressing earth. The way the breeze tickles my ear, like the soft laugh of a lover…or the way that breeze can become a wind, seducing with its firm yet gentle whispers…
…I curse myself the most when I delve into the impossible, imagining that his soft-skinned fingers are playing gently against my cheek, loving…caring…
Is this love? I wonder idly, pondering the way my mind instantly withdraws from the very thought. I'm afraid to even say his name…afraid that it will make it that much more of a reality. But it doesn't matter how many times I think I'm over it…or how many times I look at myself in the mirror and say out loud, 'He's not worth it.'
Because he is…it is I who is unworthy. I, who feels ashamed to be in his very presence, to be graced with small smiles, those he reserves for James, Peter and myself. The smallest quirk of those ever so fine lips, that tells us more then any amount of words ever could. It was 'us,' who was the cause of those graceful smiles, though sometimes, in my most wistful moments, I imagined I was the sole reason. How I long to be…
Within the next few moments, my thoughts will cease…I will become imprisoned by my own barriers…to defend myself against from everyone around me…
All in desperation to preserve part of the person I know I really am. Something I can save for him. Something that hasn't been tainted, by the madness that is the very essence of the Black title; something clean, and pure, as he is.
What of today? Will they ignore, seeing me as nothing but the worthless being they so often inform me that I am?
Or is today meant for silence, what I've come to love best? Only in the silence, can I lose myself within my other life. Of James, the ever so longed for Remus, and even, yes little Peter. My dear friends…like no other, they have offered me hope through these hard times…I can still remember the first prank we ever played all those years ago…
Early morning, with everyone present, James Potter snuck over to the Slytherin table undetected, slipping dungbombs under the feet of some unsuspecting victims. Never will I forget that moment! I've never seen such a site in my life, though mainly because they kept an eye on us after that... And even though poor James was caught, with the ends of his hair singed, every one in Gryffinder congratulated him on such a welcoming prank to the Slytherins for a new year.
It had been less then a week before we had become fast friends, completely in love with the prospect at having someone to pull pranks with.
That's when I first noticed him.
Was he supposed to sit silently in the back, his eyes down; hands folded in his lap like a scolded child?
Was he trying to look as though he were a broken doll?
Were his eyes supposed to mesmerize me the way that they did? Was I supposed to feel the air in my lungs go stale as eyes of liquid gold, burning with an unknown passion seemingly caressed mine?
Was I supposed to walk up to him that day, sit down next to him, are eyes locked on each other as though we were each other's missing pieces.
Or was it fate? Fate who I had always declared as a fool's belief suddenly seemed like a truth amongst lies. Was I supposed to sit next to this beautiful tawny haired boy through the most boring class, though I faintly recall telling James it was my favorite?
That was before this though. Before I realized that the longer that I sat there starring in awe of the boy, the more I realized that I belonged with him.
It's not right that I long to touch him, with soft gentle caresses. Sharing the affectionate gestures only seen between two who are so very much in love. Oh, how I've suffered through the realization that all my feelings mean nothing. They are as important to him as they are to the pathetic pranks James and I pull.
Yes, I know he thinks lowly of us, but sometimes you just can't resist. They say temptation is the strongest emotion, and the only way to rid yourself of it is to yield to it. I will never yield to this feeling. Never. I, of all beings, do not deserve the love of such a pure and perfect person. It is evil to even think…oh sweet love; I cherish your name in only the dark recesses of my heart. And there you shall forever stay, tucked away as the selfishly guarded possession.
The only pure thing to remain untainted by my own misfortunes.
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