Hey people. I'm sorry. You can kill me if you like…after all, after reading the sixth book, there's really no reason to live…I want everyone to know that I am still a vivid supporter of S/R, no matter what J.K. Rowling writes. I'll leave an Author's note at the bottom, which may contain some spoilers of the 6th book, so please, if you haven't already read the book, don't read what I've written.
I apologize for the wait. I'm currently in a mental state that's on the 'hiatus.'
I also want everyone to know that I appreciate beyond words your reviews, especially those with helpful advice. I have no beta, and having been stuck in a writer's block for a while now, it's a miracle I'm writing at all.
Review at you own will. Either way, I'll eventually finish.
Chapter 3: Painful Bliss
Remus' hand was extended, his long pianist-like fingers entwined with the soft black velvet of Sirius' cloak located at the shoulder. Wide, silver-gray eyes stared up at him; the owner seemingly becoming an ice sculpture in the instant recognition dawned in those fathomless eyes.
The violent shades of amber and cinnamon swirled together in a gentle melody, displaying pain and concern darkly contrasted when compared to the cold shock painted on his face.
Sirius came to his senses the fastest, his eyes quickly tracing Remus' build, searching for any visible wounds, only catching the white of bandages under his long sleeved shirt.
Garbed in his usual tasteful dark green and tan robes, his golden-brown hair now hung past the base of his neck, brushing his shoulders elegantly where he hadn't pulled it back in a low ponytail. His bangs now covered his smooth forehead, hanging like a curtain in front of those fiery eyes.
"Remus…?" Sirius murmured, his eyes locking back onto Moony's. Remus eyes widen, and within milliseconds, he yanked his hand back as though burned by some un-seeable silver object. Starring uncomfortably at each other, Remus slowly inched his way into the room, his back practically pressed to the glass door, out of Sirius' reach.
Taking the seat farthest from him, their gaze remained unbroken, each curiously and somewhat intensely observing the other. The door slid shut with a snap, and the train seemed to spasm and convulse as the engine roared to life. The rough vibration dimmed, the noise fading away and becoming part of the white noise of laughter and crying girls as they waved goodbye to parents.
Breaking the lasting eye contact, Remus finally looked out the window he was seated next to, his eyes falling on the mass of people, hundreds of faces, all nameless and meaningless. None of them would ever know him, or recognize the anonymous fact that he was the first werewolf to attend and graduate from Hogwarts.
They were all oblivious, and in that state, they would remain. Oblivious to the fact that their children had befriended one person considered even by the ministry to indeed be a monster.
He didn't bother searching for his parents either, knowing that they wouldn't be there even if they did care. All those people out there were pawns. All stuck in this game called life, where it doesn't matter who you are. We all lose in the end any way, don't we?
Though Remus had already fallen back into his routine from last semester, which consisted of acting as though Sirius Black didn't exist, he did not fail to notice that his 'former' friend continued to openly stare at him. Something about those eyes could make any person what to shiver…that uncomfortable itch that always settled in-between your shoulder blades present.
Yes, Sirius Black had a … well … strange effect on him to say the least. Those eyes, that misty silver, burned him as though they actually made out of the cursed metal.
It made him want to fidget, which to say the least, was 'not' a Remus trait.
Daring himself to look up and meet the unyielding gaze, he found himself instead starring at the floor.
'Pathetic…' He scolded himself silently, wishing that Peter or James; even one of Sirius' stupid Huffepuff admirers would pop in just to distract the steady, never-wavering stare.
The nervousness in his stomach suddenly made itself known, a wave of intense nausea sweeping through him, making his vision feel as though it had suddenly tripled.
It may have been if he hadn't shut his eyes, letting it pass.
Somehow…he knew it wouldn't be the first time he felt the 'butterflies' around Sirius Black.
-
The uncomfortable silence lasted ten more minutes, which to each of the teenage boys, felt like an eternity. But at last, their solitude was broken by the arrival of James Potter and Peter Pettigrew, the last two members of, 'The Marauders.'
James stopped curiously in the doorway, his face frozen between shock, and a strong urge to run fleeing from the compartment as he glanced nervously between the two of them, almost like a cornered mouse as he slid in. Peter was right behind him, also freezing momentarily in the doorway as he caught sight of who was occupying it.
"Moony, it's…ah…great to see you! How was your summer?" James tried, though it came out a standing octave higher then usual.
For a split second, Remus considered ignoring him, even though he knew it wasn't James fault. It wasn't James fault they had each in their own way, forgiven Sirius. Or that his parents were psychotic hysterics, raging between hot and cold in the war of wills, their only son caught between it. It wasn't James fault that he suddenly felt the biggest urge in the world to blush like a twelve year-old girl, because Padfoot's attention had returned to him.
"Could've been worse." His mouth seemed to fumble over it, as though he hadn't spoken much in the last few months, which was true, but it just hadn't occurred to him until he had attempted it.
James looked at him, concern filling those hazel eyes, peering through the slightly owlish glasses. "Your parents?" He murmured between his teeth, barely a whisper.
Remus looked away, out the window at the quickly darkening sky.
Life's fucked up.
Apparently he must of said that out loud, because suddenly, the usually proud, and daredevil monotone replied in a somewhat broken undertone, "Ain't that the truth."
And without meaning to, he looked up to meet the silver eyes, feeling the fastest flash of appreciation towards the other young man. Sirius, out of all of them, understood what he meant.
He couldn't stop starring.
He knew Remus knew he was starring.
And it just made him want to stare more.
It was almost like a sudden hunger. He couldn't touch him, or speak to him, or even run with him anymore at the full moon, but he could still watch him. And he did. The golden hair, softer, longer, fuller, just seemed to be begging to be touched and stroked, and despite his usual high attribution to control his urges around the other boy, he seriously thought he might loose it as the four of them clambered off the train, searching for an empty carriage.
James and Peter had started up a conversation about Quidditch, one he himself would have usually participated in.
Not now though, as he followed behind the marauders, watching as Remus' thin, and now strangely vulnerable form stood quietly apart from the rest.
Waiting of course.
He knew, that though he had forever changed their relationship as friends, Remus had in some ways, already forgiven him.
Wishful and folly thinking really.
The look of 'gratitude' and appreciation' earlier, as he made the simple response to Remus' own had showed him more. Remus was still very much a recluse, even though it was their sixth year now. This boy would not forgive until he was pushed, prodded, annoyed, exhausted, and completely and entirely at his wits end.
Remus Lupin, as he silently pulled himself up into a carriage, caught something that made his stomach tie in knots.
The ghost of that once very familiar smirk rose back to Sirius' face. Back in place, if not only for a mere instant.
The one he had watched his friend wear whenever he had thought up a very unique and if not downright dirty plot.
It meant Sirius Black was planning.
More so, that touching smile, though endearing, was directed at him…
What made Remus nervous was that the butterflies were back.
Review!
Okay, now my rant!
First off, I apologies again for the wait! This story has become a thorn in my side. I love to write first POV, but I realized I couldn't really do much with scene description or even other characters thoughts, so I'm going to try to stick with the way this one was written.
Updates will come, eventually! Working two jobs, and in school, taking seven courses and then having like, I don't even know, ten people in my family and a pregnant irate sister, is to say at the very least, incredibly distracting.
Dwighty can back me up!
Secondly, about the sixth book. Note: There are spoilers!
The whole Remus and Tonks thing, like I've read everywhere, is totally without a base. I have absolutely nothing wrong with those who ship them, that's fine, but there were more then a few places where it hinted greatly at the fact that Remus has none, if nothing more then platonic feeling for are fiery, pink haired character.
Chapter sixteen killed me. The whole time I was reading it, with the song playing in the background, and the description of Remus sitting alone in front of the fireplace…and I quote...'Meanwhile, Remus Lupin, who was thinner and more ragged-looking than ever, was sitting beside the fire, starring into its depths as though he could not hear Celestina's voice,' implies that perhaps Remus is still grieving. Note that if Sirius died at the end of Harry's fifth year, and it is now Christmas, it's been about six months.
There's also the comment that Remus makes to Molly about Tonks, 'She's got her own family to go to, hasn't she?'
Bored, uninterested, and uncaring. He drops the subject with little, if any concern for the other woman.
Molly's support for them, even at the end, was to put it bluntly, poorly implied in the beginning. You'll remember that Molly had wanted Tonks to date Bill.
McGonagall's support was also without much importance. She seemed to be simply commenting. Right before any of this, Molly had said, 'I've said all along you're taking a ridiculous line on this, Remus.'
Yeah, real ridiculous. I'd come up with any excuse if I were gay.
"You see Tonks, I can't date you because I'm to old, to poor, to dangerous…oh yeah and to gay,"
"And I had roxy sex with your male cousin who's dead."
Period. Alright…I imagined that was in there…
Another thing that I was displeased to find was Sirius' will. Do not remorse. If they were together, which they were I would have thought that they would've talked about it. If either of them died, it would have been a terrible burden to put on the other. Suspicion brought down because you were left a house or large sums of personal possessions would have been most unpleasant. I can see them making arrangements ahead of time.
And last but not least, the worst sign for us S/R shippers.
The funeral. The handholding. Tonks' pink hair… gag …Remus with someone with bright PINK hair…no, no this won't do at all. It was black hair, gray eyes, and a stars name to keep the moon company.
I take it as a gesture of friendship. If not, maybe Tonks wore Remus down enough so that he would stand by her… I don't know…doesn't have to mean anything more then friends.
Around this time, it's about a year after Sirius' death. Remus is single again, and there's no reason why he would have to stay that way. J.K. Rowling could have put this in the fifth book to destroy any chance of them ever being together. Note she put it at a time when Remus would need comfort and would perhaps be willing to start a relationship again. Either way, I'm going to read the seventh book, laugh at the dumb jokes, cry at the right scenes, and be upset at the opportune moments.
Either way, Sirius and Remus went through everything together, were compatible in a way Tonks could never be, and was absent when Remus' pack was made.
As a final note, I've read from many accomplished writers that they create the characters. As soon as they start writing, those characters become their own person. They come to life and start shaping a personality and will. Somewhere, Sirius and Remus are probably laughing their heads off at J.K. and Tonks.
Toodles.