Chapter 8: A Time for Thought

By Wednesday, all the scars had faded to normal skin. Even where his left nipple should lay, was lovely soft unblemished skin. The word, "freak," that marked his chest was completely gone and no one could tell that it had ever been there. He was gaining weight and no longer looked like a skeleton but was still too thin. He was eating almost as much as the other students. His hair was healthier looking and the new skin was visible in the hair lines. Snape told him not to bother to come the next day because there was no need. Harry smiled shyly and did not come.

Outside of his personal rooms, he and Harry continued their old routine. He snarled and removed points for him being a spoiled brat with a glaring Harry that stood up to him to protect his fellow students. Also, he continues being prefect Potter for the rest of school including his friends. That annoyed Snape, he thought it was rather unhealthy. The boy was under some much pressure to be that false image that he would crack. He needed someplace just be Harry and he knew he didn't trust him enough to himself just yet around the potion master. He decided to do something about that.

Like clockwork. Just after dinner, a timid nock was heard on Snape's classroom door.

"Come in Potter."

Harry stepped in and smiled faintly.

"We're going to my rooms." Snape stated as he dropped his grading and left. When they arrived, he poured them both drinks. Harry took a sip and waited nervously, like a man that knew he was going to die in a moment. He pretended to be calm but was sweating and bouncing without ever having to move.

He was faintly amused at the brave fear coming form Harry and smiled in a way that no one could tell he was smiling at all. "Do you like Hogwarts?"

"What?" The boy blanched, he wasn't excepting that.

Snape brightly smiled and said. "I like Hogwarts. It's my home and has been since you were a baby. I am happy here."

"I love Hogwarts, too." Harry said very softly. He seemed suspicious of what was going on.

Snape nodded. "When I was your age, I didn't know I loved this place. You see, I was bullied and no one ever helped me because I was ugly, mean spirited, unpopular, and friendless. It was terrible to be alone. But the interesting part was, at the time I didn't realize that I was lonely and miserable."

"Is there somewhere, you're going with this?" He narrowed his eyes.

He laughed at the boy. "No, this isn't James Potter bashing. I was just thinking at this place today and wondering if you give me your view on it."

Harry looked confused and a bit angry. "Why would my opinion matter to you?"

"Why wouldn't it?" Snape took a sip. "Do you think I hate you? Do you think that I don't care what you think?"

He looked away and very quietly said. "I don't know."

"The world is not a simple place. I find it very amusing to think that I am very fond of my enemy's child. I think that James Potter would furious to say the least. He would probably kill me, as would your godfather for doing a phantom damage to you. Do you think it's funny?"

Harry thought this over. "No, I don't."

"Why is that?"

He finished his drink. "I don't like to see people get hurt. Even my slimy potion master."

Snape laughed. He wondered if he should feel insulted by this statement but did not feel annoyance by it or even fury. The he realized why, to the student body, he was the slimy potion master. He refilled both of their drinks. He noticed that Harry was watching him very carefully as if he was growing second head.

"I understand why, your life has been filled with much misery. The people you know, die."

"It's not that" .He rolled his eyes. "I just don't like people getting hurt."

He nodded. "I understand. Believe it or not, most everyone feels the same way."

Harry agreed and didn't say anything. They both were quiet for some time. Eventually the silence got on Snape's nerves and he said. "When I came to Hogwarts, I thought nothing in my life would be as magical, as marvelous. I realize that now. I thought, I would…hmm… I don't remember what I thought I would have but I thought it would be better than what I did have in my life. I didn't get that but this place, it is very comforting."

He frowned.

Snape continued. "I remember seeing Hagrid at the time. He was happy and jolly as he usually is. All the other students were nervous and excited at once."

Harry still didn't say anything.

"I remember standing in the entrance hallway, waiting for the sorting, thinking that I would be happy. I think that is what I was thinking. I remember getting my acceptance letter, thinking that my parents would be happy. They never did say anything to me about it, but I like to think that they were."

He snorted.

Snape sighed. "Then I grew up. I resented a lot of people. I wanted vengeance for something that wasn't in my control. Eventually, I got over it and I came back here to teach. I was just as nervous and excited, as I was when I was a first year. But mostly I was scared. I was afraid that it was going to be like it was before. I was going to be hated for nothing and I was. I was very unhappy for several years than something happened."

It was quiet again. Then Harry asked. "What happened?"

"I went down to the pub after the summer holidays started. I got very drunk and had a great time. Do you know why I had a great time? Because Hagrid was there. That man could make anyone feel good. We talked about everything under the sun. The next day, I wanted to hide because I was ashamed of how I acted. I had been very drunk, I laughed, was rude, said stupid things, and even sang a song with Hagrid. I was very embarrassed. Eventually, I talked myself into leaving my rooms. I was ready to be ridiculed but not like anything I had anticipated. Just good-humored jokes, nothing harsh or painful. At first, I was very insulted but then I remember watching Hagrid. The other staff teased him as well and he teased back. I remember thinking, why wasn't he mad, why wasn't he hurt. For weeks, I thought about that and I didn't understand. Then one day, I was walking through the hallways and I heard Hagrid laughing. Then I figured it out, he was loved by everyone and welcomed wherever he went. I became jealous of him."

"You're jealous of Hagrid?" Harry asked, clearly bewildered.

"No, I'm not. Not any more. It took me two more years to get over that. I had to realize that people cared about me too. Now, whenever I feel sad and hateful, and ready to explode. I take Hagrid with me to the pub and we get very, very drunk together. He makes me feel better, like the world is a great place and can only get better. Most people say that Dumbledore is a great man but to me no one is greater than Rubous Hagrid."

The boy looked confused but then nodded. "Why are you telling me this?"

"Good question. I was thinking about you and that made me think about me. I thought you would benefit from my story. I had to learn to trust. I need to know that I was cared about. I think you need to know the same. I will take care of you. I will protect you. I need you to understand that so you will let me help you. Do you understand?"

"No."

Snape sighed. "Then there is nothing more to say tonight. Think about it. I will see you next week."

The school was being prepared for the coming of Durmstrang and Beaubatons. Filch was threatening any student who halted his cleaning rampage with dismemberment. The armor was glistening and there wasn't a squeak to be found in their well oiled joints. The paintings were furious as they were vicious scrubbed like naughty children who played in the mud. Moaning Myrtle was threatened with expulsion if she didn't quit flooding the bathroom, which she abandoned in a huff for deeps unknown for a week. Years of grime had been swept away in a fury of mops and elbow grease. Poor old Filch looked ready to cry if anyone didn't wipe their feet when entering the castle. Snape spared him a talk and a tall bottle of Creamer's Calm Concoction. Filch left in a much better mood with a smile on his face but Snape thought that had to do mostly with him promising help with the cleaning due to a fondness of handing out detentions in his potion classroom.

Harry Potter seemed strangely sulky during this time. He was often seen staring out in space with a look of dreamy concentration on his face. His friends had a hard time trying to get his attention. Weasley took to poking him in the side to get him to answer his questions. On the other hand, Granger took to the library researching distraction hexes, thinking that the Slytherins had something to do with it. She was heard muttering about grades, exams, and evil Slytherins making people fail. The teachers were concerned for their little hero, much to Snape's annoyance but he didn't tell them that, as they bickered about the cause. Most of them thought it had to do with the cancellation of quidditch. Personally, Snape thought that Harry's behavior was for the best. It appeared to him that he was thinking about what he had said. He hoped that Harry would decide to trust him.

Come Monday, a timid knock was placed on his classroom door. Snape said. "Come in."

Harry walked in. "Good evening, Professor Snape."

"Good evening, Mr. Potter. Let's go to my quarters." He ushered them away from the classroom.

He poured them both drinks and sat down on his favorite chair. "Did you think about what I had to say?"

He nodded. "I've been thinking a lot about it. I've decided something. I'm just going to tell you everything I can, right now. I can't tell you everything, I'm just not ready to tell anyone everything just yet."

Snape took a sip and said. "No, that's not what I wanted. I want you to understand, you can be yourself here. You don't have to be Harry Potter, the-boy-who-lived, here. You have to be Harry here or I can't help you."

Harry thought about it and was clearly confused. "I am me."

"No, you're not and I think you know that. Out there, you act like everything is peachy keen, when you know its not. You don't have to brave or noble or whatever it is you fake here. I'll be strong and brave for you. Here you can cry and stumble and everything you are scared to do out there. I'll pick you up, dust you off, and fix you."

"Oh." Harry blinked.

"Oh, indeed." Snape sighed. "I have been saying this way too much and this is the last time. I want to help you."

"How can you help me?"

Snape grumbled. "Haven't I already."

He blushed and looked down. "Oh, yeah. Thank you. I think I want help."

"Good." Snape was delighted it had taken enough time but now he finally had it. He had earned Harry's trust. "Now take off you glamour charms."

"What!" He exclaimed.

He rolled his eyes. "I want you take off your glamour charms. For one, I want to see if you have gained anymore weight. Another reason, I want to study the marks of your head, so I can figure out the best way to rid you of the bald spots. I have a potion but I need to wait until you have gained more weight before I administer it because it causes lack of appetite as a side-effect. And the last and most important reason, I want to see Harry not Harry Potter. I don't care about Harry Potter, I care about Harry."

He removed them and the scrawny boy was there again. He still was very thin but a lot healthier. Snape told him. "Much better. In about two weeks, you will able to take the potion. You should have meat on your bones by then."

Harry smiled as if quit pleased with himself.

"Now to business. We are going to talk about one of the memories, I have seen. We are going to talk about your cousin, Dudley."

The boy went pale and looked down to the floor again. He thought this over and then nodded.

"How many of those scars were from your cousin?"

Harry swallowed and said low. "Most of them."

"Did he carve freak into your chest?" Snape asked.

"Yes."

"And the little lines?"

"Yes." He answered.

"Your back?" Snape inquired.

"Yes and no." Harry took a heavy drink from his glass. "Well, not all of them. Most were from Uncle Vernon."

"Was you back caused by a belt?"

Harry sighed and a fat tear fell from his left eye. "Most of them. Then a few years back, he got some whips. But he would only use them if I was bad."

Snape almost continued asking about the whips and the times that Harry was bad but decided to wait until the day they talked about Uncle Vernon. Today was about Dudley. "What did your cousin do to your back?"

"He cut it. He, he likes to cut." Harry stuttered then wiped his dripping eyes.

"Go on."

"He said it, it was pretty and liked it. He likes to cut me. He said, said I bleed pretty and he cuts, cuts me." He sobbed.

"When did it start?" Snape inquired.

"I, I, I was eight and he had a birthday, and, and he got a pen knife. He wanted-ted to try, try it. And he did." He throw his face in his hands and sobbed violently.

Snape went over to him. He pulled him into a hug. At first, he tried to pull away but then whole-heartily lunched himself into Snape's arms. He was mumbling. "He likes to slice me. He said one day he was going to cut me open and see my insides. He says its pretty. Going to slice me open. He thinks its pretty. It hurts, it hurts bad. Goes deeper now. Going to slice me open. Says its pretty."

Snape shushed him but he continued mumbling softly. He pulled him closer and kissed his head. He murmured soft assurances that everything was going to be alright and that he was safe. Harry eventually went quiet and he still didn't let go. He did let go after what seemed like hours. Harry was asleep and he gently placed him in his bed again. Snape thought about turning his extra storeroom into a guest bedroom, after all that was what that room originally was for. He changed into his nightshirt and looked into the mirror and was surprised to find tearstains on his face. He pretended that there was nothing there and joined Harry in his bed.

Snape woke up several times in the night. The first time was because Harry had moved; he tossed his leg between his legs and was nuzzling softly into his neck. He had to fight the urge to throw the boy off or rub his hard cock against his thigh. He closed his eyes and fell back asleep. The second time he woke up was because Harry was slowly humping his legs and licking his neck. He was about to yell at him when the boy started whimpering and Snape realized he was still asleep. Harry mumbled something like harder Uncle Vernon and turned away, curling into a ball. He wanted to reach out to the boy but decided against, he was still asleep and not in need. Nightmares were terrible as he knew but sleep was sleep and the boy needed all he could get. Healing could be very draining, emotionally or physically. Snape turned over away from him and fell back asleep. The last time, he awoke; he was annoyed and was going to lecture the boy about waking him again. He had almost turned around when he heard him get up.

Harry walked to the dressing mirror that hung on the wall and stared at his reflection. The light was very low and Snape could hardly see across the room. Harry turned around and looked at him but he pretended he was asleep. Curiosity had gotten him and he was curious to see what he would do. He knew if the boy would try anything harsh like another attempt at a memory charm, he could easy block it. Snape had a feeling that whatever the boy was about to do would assist him in figuring out the best approach on helping him with his problems.

Harry turned back to the mirror and stared hard at the reflection of tiny, skeletal child. He rubbed the mirror boy's lips and then his own. He seemed shocked at finding out they were his own. He touched his squashed nose and his lazy eye. He ran his fingers through the bald patches on his head. Big tears rolled down his face as he frantically threw off his clothes. He rubbed his ribs that still protruded from his body. He touched the unmarked skin were the word freak had been carved into his chest. He fearfully stroke the plain flesh were his left nipple used to be. He turned quickly and stared at his back, shocked not to find the missing scars. Furiously, he turned back and gradually touched his penis and balls. The he reached behind them and let go. Between his silent tears he mumbled a few words. "Dudley is going to be so mad."

He dropped to the floor and pulled his legs to his chest. He rocked himself back and forth. "He'll have to start all over again."

He started grabbing at his clothes and found his wand in his pocket. Still nude, he stood and approached Snape. "I should make you forget, it would be easier."

Harry pointed the wand at him. "I should. Uncle Vernon will be so mad if I told. He'll kill me. It's easier if I'm good. It doesn't hurt as much when I'm good."

He aimed his wand but never said the words. After what seemed like forever, his hand started shaking and he started sobbing heavy. He threw the wand away and fell to his knees. "I can't do it. I can't do it. What is wrong with me? I'm such a dirty little freak. Uncle Vernon is going to be so mad. He's going to kill me. Why can't I be good? I want to be good. Such a dirt freak."

Snape got up out of bed and gathered the bawling child into his arms. He hugged him and kissed the tears on his face. He placed him on the bed and encircled him in his arms. He rocked him back and forth, cuddling and rubbing him all over. He told him over and over again until his voice was hoarse. "You are good. You're not a freak. You are good. You're not a freak. You are good. You're not a freak..."

When Snape awoke, the clock said it was 5:36. He stretched and his muscles protested, leaving him crumpled in mild pain. He stretched again, this time more determined and his body let him move. He wondered why he hurt and then he remembered being wrapped around Harry Potter, giving him every ounce of reassurance that he had.

He looked around his bedroom and found that Harry was gone. He checked the bathroom and sitting room but he couldn't find him. He became frantic, and searched every inch of his quarters but Harry wasn't there.

Snape was worried. Would the little idiot try something stupid? He imagined him cutting his wrists in a forgotten hole in the castle. Then he imagined him jumping off the Astronomy Tower. He felt sick as he dressed hastily. Then he wondered, when the hell did he start caring about the boy. Sure, he wanted to help him but when did he start caring like a frantic mother.

He wasn't sure where he was going as he dashed about the castle. He had no idea until he arrived in front of the headmaster's office. He wondered if he would tell all of Harry's secrets as he spoke the password to be let in. Dumbledore was sitting at his desk when Snape demanded. "I need to know where Harry Potter is, right now."

The headmaster looked thoughtful for a second but then said. "Fawlkes, find Harry Potter."

The phoenix stretched then disappeared into a little ball of fire. Dumbledore turned back to Snape. "Severus, what is this about?"

"Harry spent the night with me. He was very upset. He was gone when I awoke this morning. I am concerned about his safety. I am afraid he may do something foolish." Snape stated.

"Is there a reason, that Harry might hurt himself?"

"Maybe." Snape sighed and sat in a chair opposite. "He was very upset."

The headmaster looked cross. "Severus."

"No." Snape cut him off. "I have just earned his trust; I can not risk telling you just yet."

He was about to speak again when the phoenix returned. The bird presented Dumbledore with a piece of cloth and returned to his roost, preening like he was proud. The headmaster studied the piece of cloth and simple stated. "It appears that young Harry has returned to Gryffindor tower."

"Is he alright?"

He nodded. "Yes, I think so or Fawlkes would have brought him here."

"Good. I'll see you at breakfast, headmaster." He got up and headed towards the door.

"Severus." He commanded.

Snape sighed and knew he wasn't getting out this without revealing some of Harry's secrets. He didn't even turn around to tell. He knew if he saw the headmaster's eyes, he would crumple and tell everything. "He's unhappy. He hates himself. He was never taught to have any self-worth. Those monsters, you left him with, hate him and are cruel to him. He's scared if anyone would find out how little he thinks of himself, how little he views himself, he would have no one. The Harry Potter you know is just a mask for the terrified little boy inside."

He didn't wait for the headmaster to say anything. He left without giving him a chance to.