o.o Um. Yeah. Let's just say...I had a little too much sugar in one sitting? Ahem.

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Let us, dear readers, zoom in on the life of the infamous Uchiha Itachi. Sure, it may not have anything to do with the story, but hey! Itachi's hotness more than compensates, because, well...Itachi is hot. Am I right? Yes. Of course I am.

Anyways.

Uchiha Itachi was sitting in his homey little cave along with his good old buddy, Kisame. You know, I've always wondered why Kisame was blue, but then I just figured it was because he was a shark, and sharks are…grey. Which doesn't explain at all the phenomenon behind Kisame's blue skin, but that's alright. Because Kisame has a Mohawk. Notice the capital "M" I used to spell Mohawk, seeing as how very Mohawk-y his Mohawk is. It deserves a capital "M" because it's cool like that.

Anyhow.

What were they doing? Giving each other pedicures, of course. I mean, nails don't just magically paint themselves purple and make themselves all shiny and glossy! It takes hard work and painful labor, damn it! Honestly, the worth of healthy, seductive purple nails is so underrated these days.

"Bring me a mirror, Kisame," Itachi purred in his oh-so-fine voice. Kisame sort of looked up and blinked dumbly for a moment, then scratched his Mohawk.

"Uh, I don't think we have one, Itachi."

Itachi just sort of stared at Kisame for a moment, like what Kisame had just said was the most outlandish thing he had ever heard in his entire life. Which it probably was. I mean, the great Uchiha Itachi, lacking a MIRROR?

Unheard of, really.

"What did you say, Kisame?" he glared at his blue-skinned companion, his eyes unnaturally, bright red.

"Uh, I don't think we have one, Itachi?" Kisame repeated dumbly.

"And why not?"

The question left Kisame dumbfounded for a minute. He stroked his Mohawk.

"Um, I think it has something to do with the fact that we live in a cave…and uh, we don't get paid enough. So…yeah." He grinned smugly, proud that he had been able to come up with such a sophisticated answer.

"Is that so?" By now, Itachi had put down the bottle of purple nail polish with a tepid little clink.

"….um. Yeah."

"Kisame…"

"…Yes?" He scratched his Mohawk nervously.

"Pull out your tooth."

There was an awkward silence.

Omigosh! Another awkward silence! More time for spouting random nonsense! Now, behold! AGAIN!

Eggs are white and prickly and come in multiple sizes, from Jumbo to PEE-WEE! Millipede pee smells like dead corpses! I find moles deathly attractive! My brother, uh…

Has curly Italian nose hairs! And um…our toilet doesn't work.

BWAH. Hah. Har. :cough:

Anyways, back to Kisame, who has finally managed to think of a (lame) comeback.

"Um…why?"

"So I can see my reflection in it."

Kisame blinked. Oh wait…Kisame is a shark. Can sharks blink? I'm forgetting whether or not they have eyelids... Gah. Oh well, we'll just pretend for now that Kisame can blink. Keke.

"But, um…" Kisame trailed off. "Wouldn't that be painful?"

"No."

"Oh…but Itachi?"

"Yes?"

"I only have one tooth…and uh, I think it's beginning to have a cavity." Kisame felt tears begin to well up in his eyes at the mention of his partially decaying tooth. It wasn't his fault that he didn't floss every day like he was supposed to! He was too busy, um…doing sharky stuff. And fluffing his Mohawk.

Itachi arched an eyebrow. "Oh? Then how come when you smile so sadistically, I see a whole mouth full of shiny, twinkling teeth? HUH?"

Kisame coughed and began to twiddle his thumbs. "Well, um…I've never told anyone this before, but…" His voice lowered to a whisper. "They're all fake."

He suppressed a sudden, heart-wrenching sob and suddenly fled to a corner and began wailing hysterically and tearing at his Mohawk.

"Oh, Itachi! (sob)…I'm so sorry…(hiccup)…I never told you this before…(blowing of nose)…I'm just so ashamed...(weep)….MY WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE! A liieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! God, Itachi, I feel so depressed. I think I'm going to droooown in my misssserrrryyyyyy! Help me, Itachi! I think I'm turning emo or gothic or something….Lord, help me! This—this feeling! I think I'm going to CUT MYSELF! GAhhhhhhhh!"

Piercing screams of anguish resounded from Kisame's little corner as he contemplated using a particularly sharp rock to slit open his wrist.

Kisame sniffled and looked up with watery eyes as he felt Itachi tapping his shoulder.

"There, there, Kisame. Look at me." Itachi gingerly patted Kisame's Mohawk. "Don't ever let anyone tell you that your life has been a lie, or that you're stupid or that…um…blue skin is ugly. I mean, look at my life! I killed my whole family! Okay, maybe I left Sasuke alive…Anyways. Be proud of who you are. Kisame, hold your head up high and SMILE!"

Kisame felt tears of joy and adoration threatening to spill out of his (lidless?) eyes at Itachi's incredibly (cough) heartfelt speech. He managed a weak smile. Just as quickly, Itachi yanked out Kisame's one remaining tooth and pranced off with it, cackling wildly like a constipated eggplant (oO?), blood gushing out of Kisame's mouth.

"AHAHAHA! You FOOLISH…BLUE-SKINNED….SHARK-MUTANT THING! YOUR WHOLE LIFE HAS BEEN A LIE AND YOUR"E STUPID AND BLUE SKIN IS SO…UGLY! AHAHAH! YOU SYMPATHETIC FOOL! NOW CUT YOURSELF AS YOU DROWN IN YOUR PATHETIC MISERY! AHHAHAAHh…oh."

Itachi stopped abruptly, closely examining Kisame's tooth. Kisame waited in nervous silence.

"It's not shiny."

Kisame gulped. "Huh?"

"It's. Not. Shiny. OMIGAWD IT"S NOT SHINY. How am I supposed to admire my GLOSSY SEDUCTIVE NAILS WITH THIS UN-SHINY TOOTH! HUH? And it has an unsightly CAVITY. THIS IS SCANDALOUS!"

Itachi shrieked and threw the tooth into the air. Kisame scrambled to catch it.

"I'm going to KILL SASUKE NOW, because the sight of your horrid, un-shiny tooth has caused me to become extremely and for no apparent reason, very, very angry. Adieu."

And so, Itachi left in a puff of choking smoke, with the deadly intent to murder Sasuke. Leaving poor and hapless Kisame all alone, as he attempts to cut himself with his un-shiny, cavity-fied tooth. Ah, what happy endings!

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To be continued…the next time I have a random spazz attack. Ah.