Okay kids, here's the latest. I am SO sorry for the lack of timely updates, but my education got in the way! Let's just say these past few weeks have definitely earned me my diploma! At least I now can say I have a degree under my belt! Wahoo!
Thanks so much for all of your wonderful responses…I so dearly appreciate them!
I hope you like this one! Please Review…they always make my day!
Like the plague.
It ate away inside of her. No matter how hard Kirsten had tried to push her memories away, they found a way to creep inside of her
Even on her best day.
And it wasn't going away.
She felt foolish. The nightmare had caught up to her.
Sandy could feel the pressure of a headache approaching his temple. He tried to rub it away, but he knew it wouldn't be that easy.
He had just spent the past few hours holding his wife as she sobbed.
Last night had been the worst so far.
It started out okay. Sandy had brought her a glass of wine, against his better judgment.
The day had been perfect, she deserved it.
He never could say no to those eyes.
"I'm not really tired," was the first thing she spoke to him. He was sitting next to her and she turned to face him.
Sandy looked down at his wife with a smirk. For the first time in days, she didn't look completely exhausted.
"Well, baby what do you want to do?"
She hadn't wanted to do anything, just sit and watch a movie.
Or two.
Sandy let her pick them both out. Chick flicks. The two of them stretched out on the couch. Sandy had invited the boys to watch with them.
Both quickly declined.
"You and mom can do that on your own I think." Seth left, secretly hoping to walk in on his parents as they once were. Insanely and disgustingly close.
As the first film started playing, she began to snuggle in his arms. Her head fitting perfectly under his.
Sandy loved to see her relax.
He spent more time watching her then the movies.
As the second film one rounded down, Sandy looked to his wife for guidance.
"Another one?" He asked her.
Kirsten yawned. He took that as a queue. He gently helped her off of the couch, and led her to the guest room.
"No, lets go to our room."
Sandy was surprised by her suggestion. It would be the first night.
He stayed with her for awhile, she looked so peaceful, so natural.
He left her in the room to fall asleep, he himself wasn't tired. Sandy walked to the kitchen to pour a glass of water. The cold liquid felt soothing on his dry throat.
Sandy couldn't stop thinking about the previous night.
What she had told him. What he had said.
She had been through so much. Each thought made his heart beat faster, more aggressive. He could feel the anger rising within him.
Knuckles turning white, as each moment became more hostile.
Sandy tried to calm himself, but he couldn't just let it go. Not when it came to Kirsten.
He could see Ryan's lights were on. Sandy guessed Seth was in there as well. The two never left each other's side.
As Sandy continued to get lost in his thoughts, he noticed the moonlit sky was reflecting into the pool.
She loved to just stare out the window on nights like this.
Sandy walked out of the guest room bathroom just to check on her sleeping form. He had given her a sleeping aid just a few minutes before, hoping to give her some peace, even if only for a moment.
The scream cut through his thoughts. Shook him back into reality.
The glass he was holding slipped through his fingers and smashed into pieces.
He didn't hear it crash.
Seth and Ryan had been right at his feet, arriving into the room just moments after he scooped her into his arms.
Sandy quickly shooed them out of the room.
He knew she wouldn't want them to witness her tears.
"Sweetie, wake up. Kirsten. It's okay."
She continued to thrash around the sheets. Sandy gently shook her sweaty body. He could feel her clammy skin, her cold as ice fingers.
He kissed her on the forehead, "Come on baby."
Sandy's voice was patient, but he couldn't have been more afraid. He had tried so hard to protect her in the real world, but there was nothing that could keep her safe in her dreams.
She was alone.
And just the thought brought tears to his own eyes.
Kirsten's blue eyes flashed open. Taking a huge gasp of air she muttered,
"Sandy."
Her hair clung to her face, Kirsten gingerly pushed it away from her eyes.
She threw herself into his arms.
"I could…I could…feel their…his..." She stuttered into his chest.
A sob escaped her throat.
"I could…feel him…in me."
Sandy tried his best to keep her close, but for once in his life, he had no idea how to help her.
"It hurt Sandy, it was so real."
She trembled.
Even in his arms, she no longer felt safe.
"It wasn't baby. It was a nightmare. You're safe." He ached to take away her pain, her fear.
Kirsten sat up, her head falling to her hands. She shivered under the cotton sheets, they too were soaked in her sweat.
"Lets get you out of this nightgown."
As he helped her pull the wet silk nightie over her head, he heard her whisper,
"I don't want to be in here anymore."
Her voice was so lost, quiet. He could feel her internal fight.
This was her room, but they had stolen it away from her.
Sandy nodded his head, he quickly grabbed her a new outfit and pulled her to her feet. He pulled her close, as she continued to let silent tears fall.
"I hate this Sandy. I just want it to go away."
But he knew no matter how hard they tried to forget, this would never just disappear.
Her face etched her inward emotion. Sandy knew she was stressed. Normally, he would have woken her up, but not today. She needed rest.
Sandy pulled on his robe and walked to the kitchen. Ryan and Seth were waiting for him. They had seen him guide their mother back to the guest room.
He said nothing, and they asked nothing.
They all just knew.
"Dad, is Mom okay?" Seth finally asked. He played with the cereal in front of him. His eyes averting those of his fathers.
Sandy poured himself a cup of coffee and sliced a bagel.
"She had a rough night, Seth." He didn't know how to explain it to his sons.
"But we had a good day. I thought she was happy."
"I know. But I guess these things happen."
As lame of an explanation as it was, the boys left it alone.
The three of them ate in silence. Usually the morning rush would be filled with pointless banter and teasing.
Always three against one. Boys against girl. But Kirsten had always been able to hold her own.
Her laugh often radiated throughout the meal.
The fourth gap at the breakfast table shouted a loud statement.
They weren't whole without her.
Sandy felt like they all had just taken a step back. He was afraid they would once again begin to fall apart.
It seemed inevitable.
Seth had excused himself from the table. The morning's seemingly disastrous meal had gotten to him. He sat alone in his room, allowing the sounds of EMO to fill the walls.
Seth had heard her cry for hours. Their house may have been big, but the walls were thin.
He had sat outside of the guestroom for awhile.
He heard his father trying to soothe her.
He had heard her voice whimper over and over again, "Please help me Sandy."
A few times she had lost her breath.
His father hadn't been very good at hiding his inability to find an easy fix-it. They were in this for the long-haul.
Seth felt helpless. As their only child, he felt a deep, hidden connection to his mother.
Her pain was ingrained inside of him.
Every tear she shed, felt like a prick in his chest.
Every time he heard her whimper or whisper a cry for help, he felt bile rise in him.
Seth began to realize the bond between mother and son. He had always been closer to his father. Their was an ease between them.
For 17 years he'd never known how much a part of him she was.
His mother. Kirsten Nichol Cohen.
Seth knew from then on he would give her every ounce of strength he had left.
He would fight for her when she couldn't do it on her own.
He just didn't know how.
As he and the boys went their separate ways after breakfast, Sandy walked back into the room.
Her back was towards him, but he knew she was awake.
"Hey Honey."
"Hi." Her voice gave away her exhaustion. She turned to her back and began to stare at the ceiling.
Sandy crouched next to the bed, his face at her level.
"Are you feeling better?" He didn't know what exactly to ask.
"No."
Damn. Now what?
She looked at him. There was a new sadness in her eyes.
"Last night was different, Sandy. I've had dreams before, but never that bad. Last night felt like it all over again."
"Honey, we can't expect this to just disappear. There are going to be rough nights. We'll get through them."
"Sandy…" She sat up and he followed. "We can't do this on our own."
Kirsten began to play with her wedding ring.
Twisting it back and forth.
He wondered what she was getting at. He thought the worse and hoped for the best.
Whatever that was.
"Maybe I should see someone."
While Kirsten was in the shower, Sandy called a few numbers the doctor had referred them to. He spoke to a few of them about Kirsten, each giving an informal interview.
Only the best for his wife.
The last card he called seemed to fit.
Dr. Leslie Kaufman
She focused on rape patients and the effects of post-traumatic stress.
Her voice over the phone sounded firm, yet gentle.
"I can help her Mr. Cohen, but I won't force her to do or say anything."
This has to be her idea.
Sandy spoke very little the whole time, only filling in minor details. Even over the phone, he felt at ease.
He knew she would too.
And she had an opening for later that day.
"Can I just talk to mom for a few moments?" Seth asked just before his parents left for therapy.
"We're running kind of late, Seth." But Sandy knew his son wouldn't give up. "But go on in, I think she's decent."
Seth knocked on the door. Not his parent's door. Just another door in the house.
"Give me a minute Sandy." Her voice seemed distant.
"Mom, it's uh, Seth."
He rolled his eyes, like she wouldn't know.
"Come on in Sweetheart."
Kirsten was pushing an earring into her lobe. Her hair had quickly been pulled into a ponytail. She was on the edge of her bed.
She looked ready to go, and yet she continued to sit still.
"I'm a little bit nervous." She confessed to her son.
Seth sat close to her and put his arm around her shoulders.
"It's going to be okay." He tried to reassure her.
"You're going to be okay."
Kirsten appreciated her son's assurance.
She smiled at him. "I'm supposed to be the one comforting you."
Seth could remember all of the times she had held him.
It had been awhile.
He had grown into a teenager and it wasn't cool to let your mother hug or kiss you.
It wasn't cool to spend a moment with her. It wasn't cool to allow her the freedom to give advice or speak in general.
"Remember when I was like eight or something and you'd always kiss me and hug me?"
Kirsten remembered those days fondly. She had spent years longing for her little boy back, but loving the man he was becoming.
She knew her time would eventually come around again.
"Yeah. I felt like you adored me then." She looked at him, "But kids grow up don't they?"
Seth immediately felt a sense of guilt. She noticed immediately.
"But its okay Seth. We all go through the 'I loath my parent's existence' stage."
"I don't hate you Mom." As he said it, he knew he had done little to prove that he didn't.
Call it the hormones.
"I know Seth."
"Well, maybe you could, I don't know, if you want to, be like that again."
"I think I can manage that." Kirsten almost chocked out. She instantly wrapped her arms around him and gave him the reassurance he needed. "Everything will be fine, honey."
Kirsten let a single tear fall from her eye. But for the first time, it wasn't because of her attack.
Her son was inviting her in his life again.
The two entered Dr. Kaufman's office promptly on time. It had been easy to find, Sandy made sure beforehand.
The office they had entered was small, yet comfortable. The decorations were minimal, a few photos of France here and there, two comfortable couches.
The receptionist greeted them as they arrived.
"Can I take your coats? Care for a cup of coffee, pop?"
Both had asked for water.
He could tell she was shaky, nervous. But after her conversation with Seth, she seemed a bit more confident.
He had asked her what they had talked about in the car, but Kirsten refused to tell him.
"Dr. Kaufman will be with you in a few minutes." The receptionist said as she handed them their waters and some extra paperwork.
Kirsten tried to fill them out, but her nerves got the best of her. She swiftly gave the clipboard over to Sandy.
The wooden door suddenly opened, causing them both to jump.
"Kirsten, why don't you come one back." The woman had light brown hair, almost the color of Marissa's. She was the same height as Kirsten and wore a slimming pants suit.
Kirsten guessed it was from Gucci.
Kirsten looked from the Doctor to her husband. Her legs felt like lead.
"Do you want your husband to come back with us?"
Kirsten silently nodded. She felt like her will to speak had instantly disappeared.
Sandy stood up, took his wife's hand in his and followed the Doctor to the back room.
"Hey Seth, why don't we go out or something." Ryan was trying to get his foster brother out of the house. Even for a moment.
He felt like the walls were closing in on them.
"Nah, Ryan, I'm good for today."
Ryan rolled his eyes. Seth had been laying on his bed ever since they had left. He kept watching the clock change minutes.
"Seth come on. We need to get out of this house."
"Ryan, what's the big deal? So I want to stay in here." Seth was getting annoyed, he just wanted to be left alone.
"This isn't helping her you know."
"What?" Seth accused him.
"You, moping around."
"Shut up Ryan. You don't know anything."
"I know you acting all down around her just makes her feel guilty. I know she can barely handle her own emotions, let alone all of ours. I know she fights night after night to not cry out and scare us all."
"What are you talking about Ryan? You've only been here for two years. You don't know me and you certainly don't know her." Instantly, Seth wanted to take it all back.
Words tended to get the best of him. They too often just slide out.
"You're right. I'm sorry." Ryan got quiet and turned to leave the room.
"Look, I'm sorry, this just…this whole thing just sucks." Seth tried to apologize. "I don't know how to handle this Ryan. I hate this!"
Ryan embraced Seth.
"We're gonna make it Seth. All of us."
Dr. Kaufman watched Kirsten from the moment she entered the room. She, like most of her patients first took a glance around the setting. Dr. Kaufman had spent quite awhile picking and choosing the decorations.
She did her best to make all of her patients feel comfortable.
"Your office is nice." Sandy chimed in. He and Kirsten were sitting close to each other, still holding hands.
That was a good sign.
Dr. Kaufman gave an introduction of herself, her background.
Originally from Boston, went to college in Rhode Island and got her masters at NYU. Came to California because she feel in love with a plastic surgeon.
She had a son, two daughters and one very old dog.
Kirsten began to feel at ease. As she did her guard began to fall down.
"Why don't you tell me a bit about yourself?" Dr. Kaufman asked.
"Okay…um…Born and raised right here, went to school at Berkeley, where Sandy and I met. We have one son, well we have two, but one is our foster son. But he's actually more like our real son now." Kirsten always hated explaining the situation to strangers, but she went on. "Anyways, we moved back here after my mother got sick and haven't left yet…oh and I work for the Newport Group."
That was about it. Her life in one very small nutshell.
"Sounds like you have a wonderful family." Dr. Kaufman was surprised at how much this woman was already beginning to open up.
She could tell right away, Kirsten had an inner-strength.
They three of them shared a few more moments of small talk, before Dr. Kaufman asked the pending question.
"So Kirsten, why don't you tell me why you are here today."
It loomed in the air for a few moments. Kirsten once again began to feel uncomfortable.
"You can take all the time you want."
Kirsten felt Sandy's reassuring hand on the small of her back. She looked to him, to the Doctor, to the window.
Taking a deep breath, Kirsten began to share her story.
Kirsten walked in from the front door. Sandy has just dropped her off from her first counseling session. He had stayed with her for the entire hour, holding her shaking hand and wiping her face from tears when she couldn't do it on her own.
They had both been uncomfortable, but each made it through. Kirsten like Dr. Kaufman.
She listened without judging and spoke only when necessary.
She had given them tips to help with the nightmares, to deal with the everyday setbacks that were bound to happen.
She suggested they meet at least twice a week. Both Kirsten and Sandy agreed.
"You did good today baby." He had smiled at her as she opened the car door.
Kirsten nodded her head. She had felt weird talking to a stranger about that night, but she knew none of them could handle dealing on their own.
And she did feel better.
She shut the car door and he had driven off to go pick up the takeout dinner.
The house was quiet, she assumed the boys were in the pool house. As Kirsten walked into the main room, she noticed the flashing red light on the answering machine.
She pressed it and the familiar robotic voice reported, "You have two new messages."
First new message, "Kirsten this is Hailey, I just heard…Dad, uh…I'm…uh…sorry…Should I come home? Call me okay?"
Beep.
Her sister's voice was not secure as usual. Kirsten didn't want this to effect Hailey's life as well. She would call her later that night.
Beep. Second new message. Kirsten turned to face the sliding glass door. She could see the boys sitting by the pool.
As she began to pull open the door, the voice on the machine hit her.
"Remember me Mrs. Cohen? I'll never forget you. And I'll never forget that night…"
Okay…that's all for now…once again…please Review! Give me tips, suggestions, praises, criticisms….anything…be a voice!
Oh yeah, I'm trying to catch up on my reviewing too…sorry if I've been a bit lazy.