A/N – Thanks to all the reviewers - we really do appreciate each and every one of your reviews. However, please don't say that you hate Sirius/Remus... or that it's wrong... because we put up a slash warning, and we like the couple. Sorry... but you don't have to read the fic. We'd rather someone likes reading it, as opposed to someone who hates it and still reads it. Thanks again.
"If You Like PiñaColadas..."
"Remind me again, why are we doing this at Sirius' house?" Ron asked his fiance, trying to balance a huge stack of stationary boxes.
"I told you before, it'll be easier. Your house has too many people squished into it, my parents are hosting a party for dentists, and our house isn't fit for living in yet." Hermione replied, pressing the doorbell. "Besides, if I know Sirius, which I do, he'll have a record collection too big to move."
"Right," Ron mumbled as the door was opened by Harry.
"Hi guys!" Harry yelled. He had to yell, because some tropical music was playing loudly on the stereo. "Sirius, turn that DOWN!"
The music level dropped almost instantly. Harry breathed a sigh of relief, looked up at the sky, and mouthed the words 'Thank you!' before leading his best friends inside.
"What in the world are you listening to, Sirius?" Hermione asked curiously as they entered the living room to find Harry's godfather wearing a straw beach hat and singing along to the song.
"The Piña Colada song," Sirius said. He saw the look on Harry and Ron's faces and sighed. "Okay, okay, I get the hint." He turned the music off, brightened, and hurried off into the kitchen just as Remus came in, his arms filled with fancy calligraphy quills, bottles of coloured inks, and rolls of parchment in several pastel shades.
"Here's my calligraphy supplies," he said, ignoring the stupid hat on his lover's head, and setting out his things on the coffee table. "If you don't like what I've got, we can go down to that Muggle stationary shop in the village and see what they have."
"I think you've got the Muggles beat, Remus, mate," Ron said, gawking at the selection before him.
Hermione gently fingered a roll of pale-pink parchment. "This is so pretty, Remus! When you said you could do a little bit of calligraphy, I didn't expect anything like this!"
Remus blushed a little and smiled. But Ron spoke before Remus could.
"I am NOT sending out pink invitations!" he said crossly.
"What do you have against pink?" Hermione demanded.
"Well, I probably would like it more if I hadn't ever seen Sirius in pink leather pants!"
"I SAID I was sorry!" Sirius yelled from the kitchen. This was followed by the loud whining of the blender.
"You don't have to have pink," Remus said to Ron. "Actually, white or cream is the best colour for wedding invitations. I suggest we stick to that for the invitations themselves, but the ink can be any colour you want."
"NO PINK!"
"We know, Ron!" Hermione snapped, picking up a bottle of glittery gold ink. "What do you think of this, then?"
He studied it skeptically. "I dunno... it's okay, but..." He picked up a bottle of silver ink. "I like this better."
"This blue's nice," Harry suggested, studying a bottle of peacock-blue ink.
Sirius entered the room with some kind of blender-mixed drink in his hand. "How about good old black?"
Remus held up a green bottle. "Jade! And WHAT are you drinking, love?" he asked, the last directed to Sirius.
"Piña colada," Sirius replied casually, taking a huge sip. Remus groaned.
"I like the gold," Hermione said stubbornly.
"But I like silver!" Ron whined.
"BLUE!" Harry yelled.
"BLACK!" Sirius yelled even louder.
"Stop shouting!" Remus ordered, and the others fell silent at once. "Arguing isn't going to get us anywhere." He paused. "And I still say you should have jade."
A furious fight ensued, in which everyone got their hair pulled by Hermione and were splashed by Sirius' piña colada. When they disentangled themselves and retreated to separate parts of the room, nursing their injuries, Remus spoke.
"I must say, the choice should be left up to Hermione and Ron - it is their wedding. But we're not going to get anywhere shouting at each other." He smoothed his bangs and continued, "I'll think of a number between one and ten. Ron and Hermione, you guess what number I'm thinking of. Whomever's closest gets to choose the ink colour."
The others agreed this sounded fair, and Sirius returned to the kitchen to make another piña colada while Remus closed his eyes and thought.
"Right then," he said after a moment, "Ready. Ron, choose a number."
"Er... five?"
"Hermione?"
"Um... one?"
"I was thinking of two," Remus said. "Hermione, your choice."
"Dammit!" Ron mumbled under his breath, but Hermione beamed.
"Gold, I want the gold!" she squealed, thrusting the bottle at Remus. "Let me see what you can do!"
Remus carefully selected a quill and tore off a scrap of cream parchment. He dipped his quill in the gold ink, paused, and slowly wrote, in an elaborate hand:
'Mr. And Mrs. Thurston Granger Request the Honour of Your Presence at the Marriage of their Daughter, Hermione Elisabeth, to Ronald James Weasley...'
"Oooooh, that's so pretty!" Hermione gasped as Remus paused in his writing. "You're so good at stuff like this, Remus!"
"I could make all sorts of remarks about that comment, Hermione," Sirius smirked from the doorway, where he was sipping a fresh piña colada.
"Don't," Harry warned his godfather. "And watch how much you drink."
"First Remmie, now you. What does everyone have against me drinking?" Sirius inquired, flopping down on the couch and watching as Remus began preparing himself to write up the invitations.
"You've been known to become very reckless when you drink," Remus said, giving his lover an angry glare.
"WHY d'you always bring up the time I stripped at Harry's birthday party!" Sirius shouted. "It was nineteen years ago, for cripes' sake!"
"You drank an entire bottle of champagne by yourself!"
"Well, how was I to know Jim's parents were saving it from their wedding!"
"Lily didn't speak for you for three weeks!"
Harry twitched. He couldn't remember his first birthday party. He must have blocked it from his memory out of trauma, he supposed. Ron and Hermione were warily watching the two wizards bickering; Ron looked highly amused while Hermione seemed torn between exasperation and impatience.
"Er - Sirius? I think you should get to choosing the music," she finally said loudly, trying to be heard over the argument.
Sirius paused in recounting all the times Remus had had him put in detention at school to turn and face Hermione. "Music? Oh, right! Looks like we'll have to renew this argument later, Remmie," he said happily, seizing his drink and jumping up. He crossed over to the record cabinet in the corner and opened its doors to reveal a voluminous collection of albums. More records, cassettes, and CDs were piled precariously on top of and all around the cabinet.
"When you said Sirius was a sucker for Muggle music, you sure weren't kidding," Ron muttered to Harry.
"At least it makes him easy to shop for," Harry mumbled back. "Honestly, when it comes to Muggle music he's almost as bad as your dad with his Muggle inventions..."
"Ah!" Sirius said loudly, pulling a record from the pile. Remus jumped at Sirius' cry, blotting gold ink all over the sample piece of parchment.
"Siri-love... would you MIND... doing that in the other room!" Remus growled through clenched teeth, tapping his wand to the parchment and coffee table to remove the ink splatters.
The raven-haired Animagus looked from his music collection to the furious look on his mate's face. "Yes, dear," he said meekly, before levitating all his albums into their bedroom. Just to be safe, he put a Silencing Charm on the door, so Remus wouldn't be mad when he started playing his records. Then, gleefully, he turned to the teetering stack of albums before him.
"Right. First up... the Village People..."
-
"All right. Just one question," Ron said to Remus. "How, exactly, are you going to make all the invitations identical? Muggles use printers and computers and things like that..."
"That's easy," Remus said calmly. "I'll use a Duplicating Charm."
"Of course!" Hermione said, hitting herself in the forehead.
"Duplicating Charm?" Ron and Harry asked blankly.
"I'd think you'd know what it was just by the name," Remus said with a sigh. "You can use a Duplicating Charm to duplicate any object - any inanimate object. For the number of invitations we need..." -he scanned the guest list Hermione had given him - "...I'd have to duplicate the first invitation about a hundred times. It'll help to have a few extras, of course, in case we forget someone or need a few last-minute invites."
"You're so ingenious," Hermione said to him admiringly.
Remus spread his hands. "Oh, it's nothing, really," he said modestly. "Now, you three, start putting the address labels and stamps on the envelopes, please. Once I finish writing and duplicating, I'll start addressing the envelopes for you."
And so they set to work. Harry did stamps, Ron did return labels, and Hermione kept careful track of the number of envelopes.
"The total guest list is one hundred and sixty-seven people," Hermione counted off on her list, "But we only need to send eighty-six invitations, since a lot of the people coming are families with a lot of children."
"Right," Remus agreed, neatly stacking the last invite on top of his pile. "So I did okay with a hundred. Okay, let's start with the envelopes... Harry, Ron, why don't you go help Sirius with his music-choosing?"
"Okay," the two wizards agreed, relieved at being free from tedious invitation duty. They hurried off to Sirius and Remus' bedroom as Hermione began dictating the first address to Remus.
-
"Yes! Perfect!" Sirius said happily, reaching for the long roll of parchment on which he was writing the titles of the approved songs. "Okay, the Hustle's in!"
The door swung open as he was scrawling 'The Hustle - Van McCoy' on his parchment, and Harry and Ron entered.
"Hey, Sirius. How's it coming?" Harry asked as he and Ron wound their way around stacks of records to join him on the floor beside the record player.
"Okay, I think," Sirius said, fumbling for his piña colada (fourth of the day), taking a sip, and hiccuping.
Harry and Ron exchanged Looks. "Er - Sirius, mate - how many of those have you had?" Ron asked timidly.
"Only abou' four," Sirius said, and Harry and Ron exchanged another Look when they heard the way Sirius' words were beginning to slur. Sirius didn't see; instead, he cackled to himself and added 'Escape - The Piña Colada Song' to his list.
"'Scuse me while I freshen this up," Sirius said, picking up his empty glass and staggering to his feet. "Be... (hic!) .. right back..."
Harry peered at the scroll of parchment as Ron followed Sirius to the door, watching the older man's unsteady progress down the hall.
" 'Can You Feel The Love Tonight'... 'Night Fever'... 'Your Song'... 'The Macarena'... 'YELLOW SUBMARINE'!" Harry cried, throwing down the list. "Ugh! I'd tell him they were bad choices, but arguing with Sirius over music is a good way to get my nose broken."
Ron rejoined him on the floor. "I'm more worried about the man than the music," he said heavily. "Harry, how well does Sirius hold his liquor?"
Surprised by this question, Harry gave it a quick think. "Er - well, I've only seen him drunk once, and that was the night he rescued me from the Dursleys. He has a few drinks if he goes out, and always has a glass of absinthe before bed. But all in all, I think he's okay."
"What about the piña coladas?" Ron asked skeptically.
"Well, he's entitled to a bit of fun," Harry said uncomfortably, as Sirius staggered back into the room with a fresh drink.
"D'you like piña coladas... annnnn' gettin' caught in the rainnnnn...?" he sang, saluting the pair of them so forcefully that alcohol slopped out of his glass and ran down his arm. "Ooopsie, don' wanna waste tha'," he sniggered, licking it up. Ron and Harry exchanged uneasy glances. Sirius plopped back down on the floor and slung his arms around their shoulders.
"Ahhhh, 'ere's the guy," he slurred, kissing Harry's ear. "Love ya, Jim, my best mate!"
"Uh... Sirius... I'm not my dad, I'm Harry," Harry protested, squirming from his godfather's grasp.
Sirius sat still for a moment, apparently confused; then he beamed and drained the last of his drink in one. "M'kay, Hairy," he chuckled, and turned to Ron instead. "Hey. You been hittin' on my Moony? Moony, get it? He's a werewolf. Get it?" He cackled and threw back his head, letting out a very convincing howl. "AAARRROOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
In the living room, Hermione jumped. "What was that?" she asked Remus fearfully.
Remus finished writing out his last address and laid down his quill. "Sirius," he replied, completely unperturbed. "He's always doing that. Especially in be- I mean, just to tease me."
Hermione twitched. "He sounds so realistic... I wonder what he's up to?" She jumped to her feet and hurried out of the room, while Remus scanned the guest list to be sure they hadn't forgotten anyone.
His brow creased. They had forgotten some people. Hermione had wanted to invite all of the professors from Hogwarts; but Snape wasn't on the list. Neither were Sirius' cousins, Bellatrix and Rodolphus Lestrange. Now, Remus knew that neither Hermione nor Ron liked Snape, but it seemed to be awfully rude not to invite him. And he also knew the Black family tradition - whenever anyone in the family (including the Malfoys, Weasleys, Tonkses, and Lestranges) was getting married, all the members of the family had to at least be invited.
Obviously, it wouldn't be bright to invite Death Eaters to the wedding; but they had already invited the Malfoys and the Tonkses, so it was only common courtesy to send an invite to the Lestranges as well. Besides, they were likely to refuse.
Making up his mind quickly, Remus took two of the extra invitations, addressed the two envelopes, and slipped them into the pile. Then he heaved himself wearily to his feet. He supposed he'd better go see what Sirius was up to.
When he entered the bedroom it was to find 'Stayin' Alive' playing on the record player and a very harassed-looking Hermione being dragged across the room by Sirius, who was evidently trying to get her to dance the tango with him. Sirius was giggling madly and had a paper umbrella clenched between his teeth in place of a rose.
"All righty, 'Mione, one, two, three -" Sirius slurred, trying to dance but losing his balance and falling over, dragging the bride-to-be with him. "Whoopsies."
"Sirius!" Remus cried exasperatedly, as he and Ron hauled Sirius and Hermione to their feet. "Honestly, you are forty years old! Old enough to know better!"
Sirius hiccuped loudly a few times and blinked blearily at Remus. "Moony! Get me another drink!"
"You've had quite enough for tonight, I think," Remus said firmly, and he and Harry steered Sirius to the bed and made him lie down.
"Gonna join me, gorgeous?" Sirius breathed with a licentious wink at Remus, who shook his head emphatically.
"No, Siri. We're planning a wedding here!" He bent and picked up the parchment bearing the song titles. "Good Lord, will we even have enough time to play all these songs?"
"I think the main problem will be figuring out which ones he's chosen," Harry said, peeking over Remus' shoulder. The list got progressively messier and messier, a testament to Sirius' increasing drunkenness. Remus sighed.
"I'll have to rewrite it myself," he said unhappily, "As I'm just about the only person alive who can translate what James so accurately called 'Siri's Drunken-Ass Runes'."
"I want a drink!" Sirius yelled from the bed.
"Okay, okay," Harry grumped, and left the room. They had barely had enough time to wonder where he had gone when he returned, carrying a glass of some purple liquid. Sirius seized it eagerly and drank the entire contents in one gulp; his head dropped back onto the pillows and he began to snore. Harry caught the glass as it tumbled out of Sirius' hand and smiled.
"Er- what did you give him?" Ron asked.
"Sleeping Potion," Harry said happily. "Now, are we planning a menu or not?"
-
They left Sirius sleeping in the bedroom and congregated back in the living room to plan a wedding meal.
"It's going to be a five-course meal," Hermione said. "More like six courses, actually... there's the wedding cake to eat as well..."
"Appetizers, Soups, Salads, Main Course, Dessert, Wedding Cake," Remus muttered, making a few columns on a fresh bit of parchment. That done, he set his quill just below the 'Appetizers' heading and looked expectantly at Hermione and Ron. "What d'you plan on serving?"
"My cake must be a croquembouche," Hermione said dreamily.
Harry and Ron exchanged glances. "Er - crocum-whatsis?"
"Croquembouche," Hermione said impatiently. "It's a French wedding cake. It's a giant pyramid of cream-filled pastries, with glaze and chocolate sauce drizzled all over it."
"It's so good," Remus added. "Siri and I tried a sample of it when we went on holiday to Paris."
Ron shrugged. "All right then," he said. "Knock yourselves out."
Hermione and Remus squealed, and Remus scribbled 'croquembouche' under the 'Wedding Cake' heading.
"All right," he said. "Back to appetizers. You know what's really good? Artichoke hearts!"
"Mmm," Hermione said. "I love artichoke hearts, write it down!"
"I have a soup suggestion!" Harry butted in. "Gazpacho!"
"Gazpacho?" Ron asked, becoming more and more confused.
"It's tomato soup, served ice-cold!"
(A/N: Try it sometime. It's delicious.)
"Uh... okay..." Ron said, and Remus wrote it down.
-
An hour later, they had finished putting together a reasonable list of choices. Remus' list looked something like this:
Appetizers
Potatoes á Gratin
Asparagus Tips
Artichoke Hearts
Soups
Gazpacho
Duck Soup
Clam Chowder
Salads
Caesar Salad
Garden Salad
Lobster Salad
Main Courses
Baked Sole
Duck L'orange
Chicken Flambeé
Swordfish
Lobster with Shrimp
Desserts
Cherries Jubilee
Baked Alaska
Wedding Cake
Croquembouche
"Man, I'm drooling just thinking about it," Harry said. "And now I'm hungry. What's for dinner?"
"Grilled cheese," Remus said sadly, opening the fridge to reveal nothing but a package of cheese. "It was Siri's turn to go shopping yesterday. I think he forgot."
Harry deflated. "That sucks."
Hermione and Ron began gathering together their things. "Ron, get the invites, please," Hermione requested, as she helped Remus put away his calligraphy supplies.
"Sure thing," Ron said, and hurried into the living room to get the teetering pile of invites. Remus hadn't stacked them very neatly, and as Ron tried to pick them up, he knocked half of them to the ground.
Muttering a few nasty curses under his breath, Ron began picking up the scattered envelopes. The last one had fluttered halfway under the couch, and when he pulled it out, the name caught his eye.
Mr.ViktorKrum
"Oh, old Vicky is coming," Ron scowled. Then an evil smile spread across his freckled face. Seizing a quill and some black ink from the coffee table, he bent over Viktor's invitation and scribbled out 'Viktor', replacing it with 'Vicky'.
"That's much better," he said happily. Okay, he felt a little bad at spoiling the lovely job Remus had done on the envelope, but it was worth it. "Don't want Vicky to feel too manly," he muttered, hiding Viktor's invitation deep in the pile. Grinning, he stuck the invites under his arm just as Hermione and Remus came back into the room.
"Thanks ever so much for your help, Remus, Harry," Hermione said. "We'd never have gotten it done so fast - or so beautifully - without you."
"Anytime, dear," Remus smiled. "It was a pleasure." He cast a dark look down the hallway. "I'm so sorry about Sirius' behaviour. He doesn't usually get like that."
"Just keep him under control at the wedding," Hermione said. "Please."
"I'll do my best."
After a few more kisses and goodbyes, Hermione and Ron Disapparated back to the Burrow. "We'd better send off those invites," Hermione said as they entered the kitchen.
"Okay," said Ron. "I- AAARGGHH!"
He had tripped over something and gone flying, invitations spilling out of his grasp and fluttering all over the kitchen floor.
"Oops, sorry, Ron!" Fred said hastily, running out of the living room with George on his tail. "Didn't realize you were home, I'd have warned you if I had known..."
"What did I trip over?" Ron groused, as he and Hermione began picking up the scattered invitations.
"Something we were working on - Invisible Trip Wire," George said apologetically. He and Fred knelt to help. "We were trying to get it to stay invisible once it's been tripped over, but apparently the shock lifts the Invisibility Charm..."
"Yeah," sighed Fred. "We've still got a bit of work..." He picked up an envelope and made to add it to the stack, but then his eyes widened and he began to laugh. He held the envelope out to George, who also started laughing.
"What is it?" Hermione asked worriedly, snatching the envelope from the twins.
There was a pause. Then Hermione lowered the envelope and glared at Ron with fire in her eyes.
"VICKY!"
-
Upcoming attractions….
Ch/4: Girls and Boys– Hermione and her bridesmaids go shopping for wedding clothes. Meanwhile on the home front, Sirius decides Ron needs a wedding makeover! With the help of blackmail, Harry, Remus, and - Draco- he is determined to turn Ron into the sexiest groom ever!