TITLE: Nobody's Hero
RATING: PG
SUMMARY: Sawyer reflects on his inability to save Walt from the Others.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own the characters from Lost and am not making a profit.
Sawyer sat gritting his teeth as he watched the crashing waves angrily against the shore. If only they hadn't taken that raft, then Walt would still be with them. Instead, he was lost forever in the arms of crazy hillbillies. Sawyer knew he wasn't really angry at the ocean, or any other member of his crew, he was furious with himself. If only he hadn't forced Michael to use the flare to signal the boat. If only he had reacted faster with his gun. His mind was filled with if onlys.
All he had to show for his actions was a bullet hole through the shoulder, which caused agonizing pain if he even tried to move. More than anything, he had wanted to start a search for Walt as soon as Jack had treated him, but he hadn't made it far before the pain and exhaustion had stopped him. Jack had forced him back to the caves, but Sawyer had refused to stay. Instead, he searched for refuge at the beach, where there were fewer people staring at him with disappointment in their eyes.
He didn't know what they expected of him. He wasn't a hero. Did they really think he would be able to prevent the kidnapping? If anyone could it would be Sayid. He groaned. Where did that thought come from? He hated the idea that Sayid could do what he couldn't. Unfortunately, it seemed that Sawyer was the only one who cared that Walt had vanished. Sawyer had been back for almost a week, and still there were no search parties, no one willing to risk their life for Walt. Hell, they had done more when the damn dog was missing.
Speaking of the dog, Sawyer suddenly felt Vincent's slobber dripping down his arm as he was rewarded with dog kisses. Sawyer jerked violently away. The last thing he wanted was dog drool in his wound. However, the movement caused a flash of pain to course through his whole body. He gritted his teeth as he willed the pain away. There was someone standing over him, and he knew right away that it was Shannon. Those legs of hers were a dead give away. His eyes traveled up her body as he tried to pretend that he wasn't hurting. She looked down at him with that look of disgust she had when he had first called her sticks.
"Sorry," she said shrugging her shoulders, not sounding sorry at all. "He pulled too hard."
"Maybe you need to learn to keep a tighter grip."
"Should I get Jack?"
His eyes narrowed. "Why does everyone think Jack is the answer to everything?"
She sank down to the sand stretching out her legs. He watched the movement, mesmerized. He hadn't known legs could be that long. He wondered briefly what it would feel like having those legs wrapped around him.
"He's a doctor," she said slowly as if she thought he was an idiot.
"Didn't do your brother much good now did it?"
Sawyer normally didn't hold many regrets for what he said, but at the flash of agony in her eyes, he wondered if he had overstepped any boundaries.
"And the one person with a gun couldn't save Walt," she responded, her tone icy.
He looked away. He couldn't let this spoiled brat see that she had wounded him. He couldn't allow her to see that was his thought all along. He had failed, and Walt was suffering for it. Now he knew he wasn't the only one who held that belief.
"Sorry," she said again, softly.
"Sticks, that is the second time you've apologized." He winced as he turned to face her. Why did he give Kate his alcohol stash? He could use some right about now. "Is there something in the water around here I should know about?"
She didn't respond, but he noticed that she was looking off in the distance. He followed her gaze and noticed that she was watching Sayid talk with Jack. He wondered if that meant the romance between the Princess and the Iraqi was back on.
"They're arguing again," Shannon said.
"Again?" in spite of himself he was intrigued. He turned to look over, and saw the anger in their stances. He wished he were just a little closer so he could actually hear the words, instead of just loud voices. "You mean there's dissent in the ranks?"
"It's about Walt."
"What about him?"
She started chewing her lip as if she was trying to decide how much to tell him. He could feel his annoyance boiling over. Just because he had been shot, didn't mean that he couldn't know what was going on.
"Sayid wants to start a search party."
"About time," he muttered.
"What are you talking about?" she spat. "Sayid's been going out every day searching. He needs help, and Jack feels that we should wait until we know more. Whatever that means."
"Sayid's been searching alone?"
She nodded. "He started after you told us Walt had been taken. He didn't even say goodbye."
Her voice trembled as if she had been hurt by Sayid's actions, and Sawyer once again wondered what he had missed while out to sea.
Shannon continued, "He's been going out every day at sunrise, and returns at sunset, sometimes later."
"Why doesn't he just stay out there instead of coming back?"
"A compromise with Jack. He hates it though."
He reclined back, his arm wobbling under the pressure. He closed his eyes. When would this pain go away? He was surprised by Shannon's confession and the fact that she actually knew so much about what was happening. He wondered what had happened when he was gone. He was about to ask but she spoke first.
"He feels guilty."
"What for?"
Sawyer knew that Sayid had nothing to do with what had happened with Walt. If there was anyone to feel guilty it was him, he had been there. He was the one who pressured them to fire the flare, who had forced them to turn on the radar in the first place, the blame lay solely on his shoulders.
"Danielle." At his confusion, she clarified, "The French chick. She took Aaron and told Sayid the whispers said they wanted the boy. He's upset with himself for not realizing that it was Walt they wanted."
"And what would he have done, princess, swam to the raft?"
How crazy for Sayid to be feeling guilty. Then again, this was the man who left after torturing him. Maybe he had misjudged Sayid.
"What could you have done?" Shannon asked, breaking into his thoughts.
"What?"
"I know what guilt feels like. There was nothing you could to differently."
"Whatever," he said rolling his eyes.
But he realized the truth in her words. She had a point. He had been shot, what was he supposed to do, swim after the boat. He wouldn't have gotten far, and if he had sharks would have made sure he didn't find Walt.
Sawyer looked up as Sayid walked towards them. He noticed then that Sayid seemed exhausted, his shoulders slumped down as if the weight of the world rested there. Sawyer felt guilty for believing that Sayid wouldn't have done everything he could to find Walt. He shook his head. He had enough guilt on him to last a lifetime he wasn't going to add to it because of Sayid.
Sayid glared at Sawyer, causing him to move slightly away from Shannon.
"Any luck with Jack?" Shannon asked, as Sayid sank to the sand beside her.
"He feels that it is still too much of a risk." Sayid reached out and took her hand.
Sawyer watched the interactions between them. The way they kept caressing each other while talking. They way they watched each other closely as if they were afraid that it would all end. He really missed something going on that raft. When had she stopped her silent treatment? In all honestly Sawyer had always thought he would be the first one to have sex with Shannon.
"So when did Aladdin and Jasmine finally decide to find a whole new world for yourselves?"
He smirked as Shannon looked angrily at him and Sayid looked confused. Grateful for the distraction from Walt, he continued.
"I always thought I'd be the one to go rolling in the sand with Shannon first."
Sayid's face darkened the same way it had when he'd tortured Sawyer, and he regretted his worlds. Shannon reached out and hit his arm, causing him to lose his balance. He landed with a thud on his wounded shoulder.
"Son of a bitch. Why the hell did you do that?" he asked, turning his head so they wouldn't see the tears that filled his eyes.
"You're a pig."
She stood to leave, pulling on Sayid's hand so he would come with her. Sitting up as well, Sawyer called out to them.
"Are you giving up?"
Sayid shook his head. "I plan on leaving in the morning. I may stay longer. I need to cover more ground."
Sawyer saw the look of protest, mixed with concern, in Shannon's eyes. She gripped Sayid's hand tightly, and whimpered that she didn't want him to go. Maybe it really was love between them. Definitely wasn't something he had expected.
"Can I help?" Sawyer asked.
He knew Sayid would say no, siding with Jack. He figured he was a liability, and Sayid could move faster without him. But he couldn't sit here anymore doing nothing. He needed desperately to find Walt.
"I will leave at sunrise. Meet me in the caves," Sayid said as he walked away with Shannon.
Sawyer was surprised by his answer, but if Shannon had been right, he was filled with guilt as well. Maybe they'd both realize that they needed to let it go, but from experience, Sawyer knew it wasn't possible.
He stood wearily. He needed to get some rest if he was going to be ready to keep up with Sayid. He thought of Michael's words on the raft, did he have a death wish or did he want to be a hero.
As Sawyer walked to his tent, he was certain of one thing: he was no one's hero.
The End