The Adventures of Dancing Krum and Doctor Vandkempterberry
Being a deep and truthful recording of the events concerning Doctor Vandkempterberry and the Fantubulous Floating Frumbucket as told by the brilliant dancing legend Viktor Krum and a host of others, recounting their journey around the world.
Also starring the talents of:
Blaise Zabini
Susan Bones
Hannah Abbot
Pavati & Padma Patil
Terry Boot
and a host of fabulous hats.
Disclaimer: The character Doctor Vandkempterberry is the child of my severely traumatized brain that invented him after I was confined to the horrible and bleckmanistic class that many know as Social Studies. The damage was only amplified when I read the passage in the Order of the Phoenix in which my beloved Sirius was so foully murdered. He was refined with the help of my brain diseased friend at four A.M with the help of various carbonated soda beverages. (Such as Doctor Pepper! ) All other character featured in this chapter are the creation of that brilliant and mildly less traumatized mind J. K. Rowling. I would like to recite a poem in worship of this goddess, this catalyst of humanity.
Mmhmm…
Ode to J. K. Rowlings Sirius-Killing Sagging Bitch-Ass
Dear J. K. Rowling
These roses were red and now they're dead.
You killed my Sirius.
I wish you worms in your head.
(Please note this poem was written in the wee hours of the morning through the tears I'd shed at Sirius' most terrible demise.)
(Please also note that in order to fully enjoy the genius that is this story it must be read aloud in a funny voice. If you find that you do not enjoy the story I recommend you read it as such, putting into full effect the tools of funny accents and random fits of hysterical screaming (when required). I trust that this will immensely improve the Dancing Krum experience or your money back. (Good thing you paid so much money eh?) Thank you.
HP
It began as any other day had begun for one Viktor Krum since he had come to this school known as Hogwarts. He'd retired to the library soon after his breakfast of fresh puppy hearts… I mean wholesome, nutritious oatmeal with a glass of prune juice to keep his bowel movements regular and proceeded to hold a very heavy and boring book before him on the desk, upside down while staring, unblinking at the love of his life who was sitting at the next table over.
Hermione Granger was a phenomenal beauty. Her big buck teeth were enchanting. They were the teeth of a beaver set into a face that border lined on attractive. Krum had always liked beavers, such industrious animals and so cute. Of course no one knew about his secret love for beavers, except Karkaroff who'd walked in on him ah… expressing his love for beaver-kind on their field trip of the magical maple syrup factory in Canada. Of course, Krum still had the pictures of Karkaroff in his mothers wedding dress he'd taken by promising the man that there was no film in the camera so he'd managed to keep the whole ordeal between them.
But anyway, aside from Hermione's beaver-like charms there were other things about her that Krum had come to adore while stalking… I mean watching her affectionately… and sneaking into her dorm and stealing her socks to… play with. She was very smart he'd come to understand and her hair looked like an enormous brown bush, which would prove beneficial to have around when he was trying to avoid autograph hunters and insane fans. He's also heard it told that by pressing a certain area on her back her arm would spur her arm into totally rad karate-chop action and that seemed also benifical for fighting off the aforementioned fans.
Krum had thus far been to shy to ask this beaver girl with the bushy head to the Yule Ball. After all he was a mere world-renown quidditch star and triwizard contestant. What chance had he with the bushy beaver angel? He had thought he was content to watch her from afar and… play with her stolen socks but on this day, with the ball a mere three weeks away he sprung into action like a giant, hook-nosed rubber band.
Boldly leaping the language barrier and a first year he'd transfigured into a raspberry bush for blocking his view of Hermione he strode over to her, his robes flapping dramatically in the physically unexplainable dramatic wind and stood before her, a triumphant and angelic chorus playing in the background.
"Herm-ei-o-ninny, vill you go to ball vith Krum?" He asked, a quaint blush touching his sallow cheeks as she looked up, her tired, blood-shot eyes coming to rest on him. His heart sank as she clacked her beaver teeth together and seemed to take a moment to remember who he was. Realization dawned on her and she smirked a moment later, evil beaver revenge painted across her borderline attractive face.
"Why… OF COURSE I'll go with you Viktor." She said, a deep evil beaver chuckle working its way around her beaver teeth. He'd never heard an evil beaver chuckle before but he assumed that since all other aspects of her were evil and beaver-ish then her chuckle must also be beaver-like in nature. It was music to his ears. So musical in fact that he did not hear her muttered comment: "that'll teach that git Ron not to ask me." So very beautifully musical that he could not resist the urge he felt swell within him. To urge… TO DANCE.
His toe tapped against the floor of the library, his great furry uni-brow curled in concentration as he raised his hands to complete what was destined to become the ultimate move in the eon's old ritual of dance. His palms tilted towards the ceiling as his elbows thrust out, forming two perfect L's. He began to move them up and down, up and down, up and down, his furry brow furrowing so deep that his beady, hawk-like eyes seemed to be lost beneath it. Yes. Viktor Krum had completed and perfected the half-hearted 'raise the roof' move. It was so beautiful that Madame Pince had a sudden heart attack and the cartoon monster she had conjured to devour the book-dropping first year dissolved. The first year lurched to his feet and fled, the cartoon peril was no more.
"What are you doing Viktor?" Hermione asked, her beaver teeth clacking together as she failed to understand the complexities of his 'raise the roof' style of jammin' dance skill. Viktor looked at her, saddened that her beaver wits could not enlighten her to the simple beauty of his elegant and timeless dance.
"Krum dance." He intoned. He had no inkling that this moment, this glorious and beautiful moment in which he danced the dance of gods would change the flow of his entire month. For in this moment he was to be discovered by that wonderful, that indescribably fantubulous man who had invented the timeless dance 'the Timewarp' and single handedly pushed the disco movement into full throttle… The Amazing Doctor Vandkempterberry. That's right, you read that correctly. Doctor Frankenstien Whozzawuttsis Jennifer Vankempterberry.
"My dear boy, do you realize the wonder you haff wrrrrrrought theze day?" Krum turned, his dancing paused and came face to face with a man he had never seen before. He was a tall man, and skeletally thin. His long white hair blew around his strangely attractive face as he stood there in a coat of rainbow colors. Large leather shoes with gigantic silver buckles adorned his feet, knee high pinstriped white socks sprouting from their rim to connect with brilliantly purple riding trousers, the hips so terrifically puffed out that they made him nearly as wide as he was tall. In one hand he gripped a cane of pure citrus yellow. Upon the head was super-glued a small plastic Donatello. (The purple ninja-turtle to you less-learned readers.) He was, in one simple and all-inclusive world simply scrumdelectable. Yes. He was simply scrumdelectable.
"It ees clear to me, and only to me, zat you, Krum are a genius of… ZE DANCE." He said in a needlessly dramatic stage whisper, clutching one hand against his chest and turning his head to the side, an expression of ecstasy painted across his snow-pale skin. "You are, how you say, beautiful. You dance… like angel. I would beseech you… let me feel your head."
Krum said nothing as the man advanced and clamped his spindly fingers around his cranium, feeling his hair and the dent a stray bludger had left above his left temple, his strangely attractive face creased in utmost concentration. Hermione sat there, but since her dramatic significance in this story was at its end, said nothing as her date's noggin was felt up. Krum stood and his uni-brow gleamed in the dull library light as the convulsing librarian whom no one had bothered to help yet convulsed on the floor, foaming at the mouth and flopping around like a fish.
"Yes… yes… YES!" the strange purple-trousered man declared, hopping about and twirling his ninja-turtle cane above his head. "Your head, eet ees as perfeek as ze dance you do. I… am Doctor Vandkempterberry." He struck a pose and the unexplained and physically impossible dramatic wind fluttered his hair. "And I offer to you, Dancing Krum a place with my troupe of UBER talented thespians of Hogwarts."
Krum was now greeted by a gaggle of fourth year students who gathered around him, some looking confused, others down right lost but all those that no mediocre Harry Potter fan would recognize.
"Zees ees my troupe." Doctor Vandkempterberry breathed, clutching his cane to his chest with an expression of pure love on his face. "I haff gathered zem from across ze Hogwarts for ze spectacular talents zey possess and the perfeektion of the zere heads."
He moved to the first, a good-looking black boy who looked like Krum was something nasty he'd stepped in. The doctor clapped his shoulder and grinned at Krum.
"Zees ees Blaise Zabini. He is in zee troupe because… well look at heem. He ees beautiful like zee moon." He stroked the boys' head and Blaise gave Krum a self-satisfied smirk. Our hero's determined, or rather emotionless, face did not falter as the Doctor moved onto the other.
"Zees ees Hannah Abbot." He said, patting a moderately pretty blonde girl with chubby cheeks and blue eyes on the shoulder. The doctors' face was almost painfully overjoyed as he ran a strand of her blonde hair through his fingers. "And she ees here… because she ees most wonderfully blonde." He flicked the hair away and moved to his next introductions.
"'Ere we 'ave zee fantubular twins Parvati and Padma. Zey are conjoined at skull yes?" He said, as the two struggled with their heads pressed together.
"But doctor it's just that our barrettes are stuck toge..." Parvati started, wincing as her sister moved to try and pull their heads apart.
"Zat ees not all, I also used zee super-glue. Why? Because zee sky is green and zee grass is blue and not zee other way around. Also… because eet ees funny yes?" He said putting his hands on his purple hips and surveying his handy-work happily.
"What! Why would you DO that?" Padma asked angrily, Parvati pulling lightly on the clump of glue binding them together.
"Haha, stupid stuck-together girls do not understand. Haha, zey are so sillee." He said happily, moving onto the next person despite the girls cries of outrage. There were now only three people left.
"Zees 'ere is Susan Bones. She sing, like angel." He clenched his fist in passion, looking out into nothingness for a long moment. "But other zen zat… she is not special. Her head is zee least perfeek of all. Not like my next troupe member."
He left Susan looking disgruntled and angry, her arms crossed across her chest as he moved onto a boy with dark brown hair and freckles. Out of all of them he looked the most irritated with his situation but our intrepid hero had his number. This was one of the bratty types he often encountered in quidditch. The type that would be flying along obnoxiously trying to play his position without being verbally harassed and then got all froofy and started spitting hexes when you called his mother a Bavarian whore. Just an overall whiner. Krum did not care for him or his lip at all.
"Zees ees Terry Boot." The doctor said, with a high-pitched giggle. In the background a third year student was vigorously pumping Madame Pince's chest, surprisingly trying to bring her back to life rather then to kill her faster. The librarian shuddered and then rose, purple faced. Her mouth locked around the girls' throat and she pushed her over, ripping her open and beginning to feast on her beating heart. Krum turned back to the doctor.
"He ees here…" The doctor said, his face suddenly stern and dramatic as the lighting crew painted him with a dramatic red light as though he were about to expose some terrific prophecy that would spur them on into a series of adventures that would result in them discovering significant inner truths about themselves, their relationships and the world and then defeating the main antagonist armed with the eternal bonds of friendship and comradely forged by their new-found understanding of themselves and others. He took a deep steadying breath and grasped Terry's shoulders. "… Because his last name is Boot. And it makes me laugh." He giggled again and released Terry's shoulders and the boy sighed and rolled his eyes. Doctor Vandkempterberry moved on, to his final troupe member.
"And zees… wait a minute who zee hell ARE you?" He asked turning to a scruffy, be-spectacled boy with a lightning bolt shaped scar on his forehead. "You are scruffy and your head is ugly and tragically flawed. You are worthless to me, why you here?"
Harry Potter looked around and his green eyes sparkled with the wealth of secret power everyone knows he has but that will not be exposed until the climax of the seventh book. He flicked his adorably messy hair and readjusted his charmingly nerdy glasses with a heroic smile. Our hero vomited a little into his mouth.
"I am Harry Potter, quidditch star and protagonist of the books." He said with a grin. "I find a way to defeat evil in the end through my own hidden determination and the memory of my parents heroic sacrifice. I must join your troupe so I can moan and whine through this entire story and then save you all in the end, therefore proving that I do in fact rock out loud."
Doctor Vandkempterberry stared at him for a minute before tapping his fingers against his cane and giving him a smile that was condescendingly sweet. "Tell you what, leetle boy. I will let you join my club on one condition."
"What is that? I can pass any test through my hidden cleverness and quick wits combined with a butt-load of dumb luck." Harry said eagerly.
"Okay are you ready? I will only say zese once. Go… stand in zat closet over zere until you are so hungry… zat you die. Zen and only zen will I allow you to join. Except I discriminate against ghosts, shades and Inferni so you still can't join. But do eet anyway." He straightened and smirked proudly.
"What's that? I was too caught up in angsting for my dead parents and discovering inner secrets that those around me try to hide, I didn't hear you." Harry said, looking up from a bowl of random angry characters pensieve.
"I said I would only repeat it once. Go stand in zat closet until you die of hunger as punishment." Doctor Vankempterberry commanded. Instead Harry wandered off to defeat the ultimate evil another time. Hermione went with him because everyone knows Harry's fucked over without Hermione and I'm sick of her being there and not saying anything.
"Now we must go my children and share Dancing Krum's gift with ze world." The doctor declared, pointing in a random direction with his cane.
"Krum dance?" Krum asked mystified as to why he was following this crazy man and his band of forgotten fourth years towards a previously unnoticed brigade of large white and green lawn chairs tied to bright yellow weather balloons with smiley faces painted on them.
"All in good time Krum. All in good time, for now just know zat I will make you… A STAR." The doctor grinned and mounted the head lawn chair with a flourish. The rest of the students looked at each other and shrugged before they each found their own lawn chair and settled themselves comfortably.
"NOW BOOT! … hehehe Boot… WEIGH ANCHOR!" The doctor screamed, hopping up and down happily. Terry Boot sighed and looked around.
"First, we don't have an anchor. We have a length of black licorice you used to tie us to a bookcase. Secondly, we are in the middle of the library. How are we going to get out?" He asked, leaning against the arm of his lawn chair and regarding the doctor with utmost contempt. Our hero secretly fantasized about smothering him with a beaver, his homicidal impulse stemmed by a quick jab from his needle full of stolen prescription happy juices.
"We will FLY! Through zat conveniently large window zat ze author has placed against zat wall for our use. Thank you author, I am damn proud to serve your country!" He drew from nowhere a large neon orange top hat that was several times bigger then his head and jammed it down around his ears with a determined grin.
Terry just rolled his eyes and took a bite of licorice, chewing as the great weather balloon and lawn-chair contraption rose into the air pseudo magnificently. Krum looked around as they glided out the conveniently placed window.
"Now my Fantubulous Floating Frumbucket! Up up and AWAY!" The doctor cried, pointing his cane like a lance towards the moderately pretty sunset. The effect on the Frumbucket's passengers was only slightly hindered by the fact they knew many of the pretty colors were directly caused by muggle chemicals that were chewing a hole in the ozone layer causing leaps in global temperature and melting the icecaps, causing water levels to rise and eventually resulting the drowning of the continents and the death of all human life beyond those few people blessed with boats. This, claimed Blaise Zabini in a loud snobbish voice, was why he hated muggles. Krum did not see Hermione run towards them, clutching a bouquet of red roses, tears streaking down her face.
"Wait… I'm carrying your child Fantubulous Floating Frumbucket…" She whispered, stretching one hand out. The Frumbucket, aware of it's mistake uttered a filthy word and jetted higher into the sky, before disappearing from the eyes of Hogwarts but not from its heart…
End Chapter One
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