D/C: I don't own Rurouni Kenshin.

Hello! I'm back! Thank you all for the reviews; you won't believe how happy they made me! Sorry for the long wait but I was grounded; I wasn't even allowed to use the computer! So, anyway, I was finally able to write this chappie and here it is now…so, enjoy!

CHAPTER 4:

Spring of 1879

I haven't written in this journal since ages, and not because I didn't have time…no, I had plenty of time. I just didn't write because I didn't want to write. I didn't want to write in a diary which was a present of pity and contempt. I think now more than ever that Kaoru's actions had all been a result of the pity she felt towards me, and not because she cared for me as I stupidly thought…why else didn't she come to visit me again?

I just thought of writing today because I've been bored to hell and I wanted to do something other than several hours of labor. Nothing seemed more appealing that writing an entry, and so here I am, writing one just in a desperate attempt to kill time.

My wounds have finally healed; that Takani woman seriously did a good job treating them, I have to give her that much. I wonder how she willed herself to help me, but I think that's what doctors do, isn't it? They help people regardless of who they are. Pity Kaoru isn't a doctor…if she was; I'd have gone and gotten myself some serious wounds just so I could set eyes on her pretty face. Yes, I know I said I was upset with her because she looked at me with pity, but I still do care about her.

Some people might consider that just an act of hypocrisy, but frankly, I do not. I truly care for Kaoru…she's the only person other than Tomoe who had managed to touch my soul. No one ever gave a damn thought to what I felt or what thoughts filled my mind…all the people I've ever crossed paths with just cared about my assassinating skills. They would just tell me the name of the person they'd want me to kill, hand me a heavy pouch of money, and leave me to my job. They would say that they are leaving me so I would be able to concentrate on my mission, but I know that's not the truth. Those people are just intimidated by me, they just don't like hanging around me long enough in fear of me getting any ideas of killing them…the thought of that makes me laugh like crazy…

No, seriously, I wonder what people see when they look at me. Do they just see an assassin…a white-haired assassin? Don't they ever look at me as a person? A person who has thoughts and feelings? Am I just a body occupied by an assassin's soul in their eyes? Does Kaoru see me like that as well?

No, even I have emotions…even I have feelings; I get hurt and angry and sad and happy and excited…I even feel content when the beautiful smell of the cherry trees finds its way to my nose. When I'm doing my hours of labor outside in the sun, I keep inhaling the sweet smell; it really takes my mind of things. I know there's a whole bunch of cherry trees outside the prison walls, and I wish to see them one day…although I know I never will.

A single cherry blossom blew towards me while I was working today. It was seriously beautiful, and it somehow reminded me of Kaoru. When I looked at the soft, delicate petals, all I could think off was Kaoru's sweet and gentle personality. I'm holding it in my hands now, and it still looks as pretty as ever. I just wish I could hold Kaoru in my arms the same way I'm holding the blossom…but that's just a fantasy, it can never come true.

I don't have a purpose in this life. I really don't intend to spend the rest of my life in this cell, doing hours of labor everyday and taking insults and whips from that bastard of a warden…even fantasies about Kaoru aren't worth it. But at the same time, I don't wish to leave. I don't want to have to face the world…this prison offers me some kind of protection that I never thought it would have.

I need to go somewhere else…

I need to go somewhere where I wouldn't be feeling at loss…because, yes, I'm feeling at loss. I'm feeling at loss at what to think and what to feel and what to say and what to believe. And I really hate that. I like to be focused and not like this…feeling lost makes me also feel weak…and I'm not weak…at least, I don't like to think I am…

I would really like to be with my sister right now. She'd tell me what to do, she'd clear all this loss from my head…but, unfortunately, I can't…or can I?

I look at the blossom again and think of Kaoru. But then I go back in my memory and I think of Tomoe…my sister had always been there for me…and Kaoru…she'd helped me, but not as much as Tomoe did…

I'm sorry, Kaoru…

A/N: Okay, so that was it…my forth chapter. Let's see…one more chapter left, yes, that's right. Anyway, how did you like this chapter? Was it nice? What do you suppose is going to happen? You can guess but you'll never be sure…until then, plz review!

-ZEN.