PROJECT FROM HELL
Author: Lomelindi
Disclaimer: Nothing belongs to me. When in doubt, blame my brother.
Pairings: Bakura/Malik, Seto/Yami
Rating: PG-13 for foul language and suggested sexual content
Note: This thing wrote itself. Really. At about one in the morning. I have no idea where most of the ideas came from, and the sheer absurdity of some of them kinda scares me. Oo;; I think maybe I was trying too hard to be funny, lol. Anyhoo, enjoy! (I apologize for any plot holes cuz I don't remember exactly what happened in the previous chapters...)
The hell with class. Bakura spent the next hour or so blinking and staring at himself in the mirror, confused beyond all reason. Sometime around noon, he finally left the bathroom and stalked to the cafeteria with a scowl that would have made Kaiba proud.
He was met by total and utter chaos. "Parents" were near tears and bickering amongst themselves, while their "children" had apparently lost all shreds of sanity. Many of the boys were running around like madmen, screaming bloody murder and brandishing their dolls like weapons. The girls were busy bawling and pulling at each other's hairs or, better yet, pulling at their fathers'. A few mini food fights broke out here and there, and Bakura raised an eyebrow as someone's shoe went sailing past his head.
He was not going to ask.
Yugi's friends were scattered amongst the other students, divided into their own separate family units. Honda and Anzu were currently scrubbing madly at Ryou's pale hair, being that the boy had gotten hit in the head with a plate of red jello (most likely Jou's fault, if the victorious grin on the blonde's face was any hint.) Sitting nearby with Yami and Kaiba, the blonde had apparently announced war on the rest of the cafeteria and was hunkered down against the back of his seat with a massive pot on his head, flinging jello at passer-byers with his spoon. Yami and Kaiba had apparently all but given up on him and were currently sucking each other's faces off, making out as if there was no tomorrow. Yami was astride in Kaiba's lap, his hands entangled in the brunet's hair, their torsos and arms attached by the skin. How on earth the two could carry on with banana peels flying over their heads was a mystery to Bakura, but then again, the thief could really care less.
"Yo, Pharaoh!" he called, stepping gingerly over a puddle of spilled milk. "Pharaoh!"
No response except for a muffled, appreciative moan.
"PHARAOH!"
Snarling, Kaiba pulled away for a second to send Bakura a glare, but Yami gave a mewl of protest and quickly pulled the CEO back in for another heated kiss.
"Pharaoh! Yo, Priest! PHARAOH!" Bakura scowled. He had a thing about being ignored; he didn't like it very much. He stalked up to the couple, took a second to consider how suicidal he felt, and then slapped Yami hard on the ass.
Yami yelped.
Almost instantly, Kaiba was up and had Bakura by the throat, his cold blue eyes boiling with rage. "What. The. FUCK!" he demanded in a frightfully calm tone.
Bakura shrugged him off and attempted to act casual. "You see Malik anywhere?"
"No," grumbled Yami, rubbing his rather sore behind. He glared at Bakura. "I thought he went to find you."
"He did find me," Bakura remarked with his own glare, "but I lost him after."
Kaiba growled at him and sat back down, pulling Yami back in his lap. "He probably went to go pull the fire alarm or something. Now shoo, we have more important matters to attend to."
Yami giggled and happily offered his mouth, but before Kaiba would ravish him again, he felt Bakura sink a hand in his spikes and pull. Hard. "OW! What the hell is your problem, Tomb Robber?"
"That's it," Kaiba hissed, placing Yami effortlessly on the edge of the table and advancing on Bakura. "Touch him one more time and I swear to Ra, I'll--"
Bakura calmly flicked the CEO on the nose. "Don't get your highly-placed panties in a bunch, Priest. You can go screw him later. Its not like I injured his equipment or anything... or yours, for that matter." Turning away from the baffled CEO, Bakura glared heatedly at Yami. "Where's your aibou then?"
"Hiding under the table, dad," came the muffled reply by Bakura's foot. "And I'm not coming out there until someone knocks out Jou and I can get all this crap out of my hair."
Bakura folded his arms and glanced under the table, faintly making out the shape of Yugi's wild hair in the darkness. "Where the hell is Malik, son?"
Yugi blinked and wiped a bit of corn off his cheek. "I think he ditched school. He's really pissed at you, but he wouldn't tell me why." He made a face. "He said he needed some porn 'cause Seto-kun and Yami weren't going at it fast enough."
Bakura's eyebrows shot up. So Malik wanted to get laid, was that it? The guy was going to resort to some half-rate PORN? Poor thing...
His train of thought was abruptly broken when Yugi suddenly shrieked like a banshee.
A split second later, Jou dove under the table, grinning madly and bradishing another bowl of jello. "Heeeeello there, poppet!"
"ACK! No, stop, Jou!" Yugi giggled, hitting the boy with his teddy as the blonde proceeded to smothering him with globes of jello and strong, tickling hands. "STOP IT! JJJOOOOOUUUU!"
"What the hell are you two doing!" came Kaiba's voice, his irritated blue eyes appearing under the edge of the table.
Jou paused in mid-tickle-fest and looked startled, as if that question had never occurred to him before. He took a second to consider his psuedo-father's words, then looked up and grinned brightly. With slow deliberation, he reached over, took a spoonful of jello and raised the weapon upward.
Kaiba's eyes widened.
SPLAT.
Bakura very quickly and very wisely decided that it was time to leave. He turned and scrambled away from the horrific scene, quickly perfecting what Otogi called "the art of hauling ass."
The last things Bakura heard before he fled out of the cafeteria were Kaiba's enraged war cry and the sound of a table flipping over.
"Godsforsaken, Ra-blasted, MORON of an albino THIEF!" Malik lightly bounced his forehead off the wet tiles of the tub. "DAMN HIM!"
He paused as a while, panting as he rested his tired head against the wall. The sound of the steaming shower and his harsh breathing filled the otherwise silent air.
Did he honestly like the blasted Tomb Robber? Need him even ask himself that?
The Egyptian heaved a sigh and pushed himself off the wall, tilting his head back as he let the warm spray of water trail over his slick skin and through his wet hair.
Did Bakura even like him back?
Well now, wasn't that the million dollar question?
Malik cursed under his breath, dipping his head forward to let the water sink into his hair and drip through his soaked bangs.
He was an idiot. A complete and hopeless loser. Bakura was insane and psychotic by nature. When and if he enlisted Malik's companionship in anything, it was only because Malik was the only one that didn't get queasy at the thought of spilling someone's guts. Otherwise, their flirting, their teasing, their fighting... That wasn't anything real, right?
Malik sighed and turned of the water, throwing the room into sudden and unnerving silence. Drip... Drop... He ran a hand through his thick blond locks, fighting the urge to just tear the golden strands out.
What would Ishizu think of all this? What would she think of her little brother falling for the one person that she didn't have a shred of respect for or didn't believe was even relatively sane?
Malik buried his face in his hands.
Ishizu would disown him, that's what. At the very least she¡¦d bitch-slap him to China.
With a heavy sigh, the young man opened the shower curtain and reached for a towel.
"Lalalala"
What the…
Malik froze. The sound was coming from downstairs.
"Crappy.. Crappy..." The sounds of something being tossed about. "Crappy... Even crappier... Lalala."
Malik's eyes widened. HUMMING! Who the hell was in his house! His sister sure didn't sing, and his sister sure didn't have a man's voice, either. Heart pounding and still dripping wet, the Egyptian quickly wrapped a towel around his slim waist and began searching desperately around the bathroom for some kind of weapon.
Toothbrushes... Hair brushes... Hair gel... Shampoo... Lipstick... Nair... Tweezers... Pads... Pantyliners... Tampons...
Malik sweatdropped. Oh, sure, he could so imagine throwing masses of pads at the enemy. "Sweet Anubis..." he grumbled, driving into the cabinet under the sink, "WOMEN these days..."
Minutes later, a very harassed-looking Malik appeared triumphantly with a bottle of shaving cream clutched in his hand. "YES!" Sure, it would have been better if he could find Ishizu's mace, but then again, desperate situations called for desperate measures.
Taking a deep breath, Malik pressed himself against the bathroom door and listened carefully for any sign of the burglar. The guy was still downstairs cursing and throwing stuff around. Pleased, the Egyptian quietly tip-toed out of the bathroom and down the stairs, holding his breath the entire way.
He peeked carefully around the bend of the stairs, eyes wide. The thief was hidden from sight between the sofa and the TV and was currently happily tossing about little black boxes.
Malik watched with mild alarm was one sailed across his line of sight. His PORN! NO!
With a war cry, the half-naked Egyptian launched himself off the stairs, over the sofa, and onto the thief. "GOTCHA!"
"OOF!"
The two went down hard. There was a brief struggle, some grunts, some curses, some knee-in-groins... before Malik suddenly found himself on top of the other, sitting triumphantly on the man¡¦s chest and spraying shaving cream everywhere.
There was a vivid curse. "RADAMN YOU, ISHTAR, YOU PSYCHO BASTARD!"
Malik stopped, horrified.
The man under him... with that striped shirt... and the white hair... and that blood-curdlingly evil voice...
Malik gulped, dropping the can of shaving cream. His blood ran cold. Oh dear Ra, he was dead. Dead dead dead. Dead as a doornail. Deader than that bloody Pharaoh ever will be.
Growling, Bakura shoved the stunned Egyptian off of him, dumping the blonde unceremoniously on the ground. He rubbed furiously at the burning shaving cream in his eyes. "What the fuck is your problem?" he demanded, shaking his head madly in desperation, "You are so... SO—" He blinked open bleary amber eyes. "--naked."
Silence.
A slow, feral grin crept onto Bakura's face, the discomfort in his eyes momentarily forgotten. "Well now..." he murmured gleefully.
Malik gulped, daring to look down at himself. In his struggle against the thief, his towel had suddenly and tragically disappeared. He gasped, curling his legs up and blushing furiously. "You sick pervert! How the HELL did you get in! And don't look at me like that!"
"I'll look at you as I damn well please."
Malik scowled, lunging for the nearest sofa cushion and throwing it at Bakura. It hit Bakura straight between the eyes, making a nice "phoof" sound as it did so.
Deciding to take his chances, the blonde Egyptian made a mad dash for the stairs, only to be tackled from behind and flattened to the ground. He hissed in pain and annoyance, struggling madly. "OOF! Dammit, Bakura! GET OFF!"
Bakura flipped him around and held him down by the wrists, the grin on his face nothing less than feral. His nose was frightfully close to Malik's. "You know, its not nice to not greet your guests."
"Go shag a sheep," Malik hissed, squirming and trying to knee Bakura in the groin.
"Sheep's smell."
Malik's eye twitched. "Now how would you know?"
"It says so on TV."
Malik raised an eyebrow and let that one slide. "Bakura, I'm serious," he said, using the grave tone his sister always used on him, "I want to get dressed. So get OFF."
Bakura shifted his weight, grinning from ear to ear. "But I kinda like you naked."
Malik snapped, struggling madly and managing to bonk Bakura on the nose. "GET THE HELL OFF ME, YOU PERVERTED WHITE-HAIRED FREAK!"
"You know, getting louder isn't really going to help you." Bakura's eyes twinkled. "I rather like screamers."
Malik muttered a curse that would have scandalized the dead.
The tomb robber rolled his eyes and suddenly swooped down to kiss the blonde. On the lips. Using tongue.
Malik stiffened in shock, his jaws falling unconsciously slack so Bakura could ravish his open mouth with a wet, hot tongue. "Mmmghh..." The blonde gave a strangled moan, his eyes fluttering shut despite himself. His arms came up to cling to Bakura's shirt, tugging at it desperately.
Bakura pulled away slightly, breathless and grinning. He brushed noses with the flushed boy below him, eyeing him critically. "So... would you rather have me or your crappy porn videos?"
BHAM!
The door to the Kaiba Manor snapped open with unnatural force. The sound echoed eerily through the elegant hallways before being drowned out by a high shriek.
"Ack, no, hey! LEGGO! Ow! CHILD ABUSE! SOMEONE CALL 9-11! AAAIIEEE!" Jou landed harshly on his rear, skidding across the marble tiles and leaving a nice streak of melted ice cream in the process. The boy grumbled something rude, picking himself up and scowling at the open door. "I have two feet. I can walk, you know."
The great Seto Kaiba, covered in pink ice cream and great globes of jello, stepped through said door with blood and murder in his eyes. He was all but steaming from the ears. "Go. To. Your. Room," he growled in an extremely forced tone, his breathing harsh.
Jou eep-ed. "Yessir, rightaway, sir," he whimpered before hauling ass upstairs. If he had a tail, it would be firmly tucked between his legs.
Kaiba watched him go before he sagged tiredly against the nearest wall, his left eye twitching.
"Love?" Slender arms wrapped around him from behind, a warm cheek resting against his back. "You alright?"
"I don't see why we can't just disown him," the CEO growled, rubbing his pounding temple.
Yami sighed and kissed the slick leather of his lover's trench coat lightly. "C'mon, lets get a drink..." he purred, taking Seto's hand and pulling him to the nearest kitchen.
That was how Seto found himself a while later, sitting on a stool against one of the Manor's many mini-bars, downing another shot of vodka as his lover did the same.
Yami crawled drowsily into Seto's lap. "You, Mr. Kaiba," he slurred as his lover refilled their shot glasses, "are trying to get me drunk."
"Oh, darn," Seto replied with a wide grin, "You caught onto my plan." He leaned down and licked a streak of half-hardened ice-cream on his lover's cheek. Yami looked so cute cuddled up to him like that, all flushed and covered with splatters of food.
The pharaoh looked up at him with bleary crimson eyes, letting out a drunk giggle. "Here, you've got some on your cheek, too..." He reached up and pulled Seto down, giving the man's cheek a few short laps of his pink tongue.
Seto chuckled and shifted his head, capturing said muscle as it disappeared back into his lover's mouth. Yami moaned and obediently opened his lips, letting Seth ravish his hot mouth with a slick tongue. Their kiss grew hotter and hotter, their bodies suddenly pressed together like second skin.
They pulled away briefly for air, then went right back to kissing, their passion getting the best of them. It wasn't soon after that Yami ended up sitting on the edge of the counter, his legs around Seto's waist, his arms around Seto's neck. Seto was currently ravishing the boy senseless with his mouth, one of his hands disappearing up Yami's tight shirt to roll a beaded nipple in his hand.
"Oh gods..." Yami whimpered, tossing his head back as Seto released his swollen lips to nibble at his neck. "Yesssss..." He sank his hands into Seto's hair and jerked his hips, letting Seto feel just how aroused he was.
The CEO merely smirked against Yami's skin and tweaked the captive nipple harder, ripping an appreciative groan from his petit lover.
"OOH!" squealed a new voice, startling the lovers out of their reverie, "GROUP HUG!"
Jou tackled the two, squeezing them in a giant bear hug. Seto grunted in surprise, his head knocking painfully against Yami's. "Awww, we all love each other!" The blonde released the startled lovers and began to prance around, grinning at the look of pure fury that was growing on Seto's face. "Its like what they say on Barney, Daddy!" He raised his voice to a feverish, sing-song tone, "I love youuuu, you love meeeee, we're one happy faaammiiiilllyyyy...!"
The whole Kaiba Manor rocked on its foundation with Kaiba's enraged roar. "THAT'S IT, MUTT! I'M GETTING YOU NEUTERED!"