Title: Project from Hell: Ch. 9
Author: Bishonen no Miko
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Seto + Yami, Bakura + Malik, Jou + Yugi
Spoilers: none
Warnings: swearing
Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! is the creation of Kazuki Takahashi. Cheerios are a product of General Mills. This is a not-for-profit fanwork and I do not own any of these characters.
Summary: Jou is traumatized. Bakura gets a clue. And Seto and Yami get to explain the birds and the bees to more kids. Yes… K's class project from hell continues on.
Status: 9 ?

The Project from Hell

Ch. 9: Pot Roasts and Cheerios

Yami decided that he never wanted to see another amusement park again as long as he lived. After he had thrown up twice on a single rollercoaster, Mokuba finally relented and agreed to go home.

The first thing the pair noticed when they arrived back at the mansion late that evening was Jou sitting on the first landing of the staircase. He had his arms curled around his knees and was rocking back and forth, muttering something about pushing a pot roast through a Cheerio. Both Yami and Mokuba looked at him quizzically. "Jou, are you all right?"

Jou looked up at Yami with wide brown eyes. "I don't want to have a baby with Yugi!" he wailed.

"Uh, 'Son,' you know that's physically impossible since neither you nor Yugi are girls," said Yami with a frown. Mokuba sniggered.

"I'll be good. I'll be good. I don't want to have a baby. Mommy, you shouldn't have sex with Daddy so much because you might have a baby."

Yami scratched his head. He didn't think "The Miracle of Life" would be so… traumatizing. "Jou. I'm a guy. Seto's a guy. We're not going to have a baby."

"Promise?"

"Yes, I promise."

The tall blonde blinked at his "mommy," then whispered, "You might if you don't use protection."

Mokuba laughed and headed up the stairs just as Seto was coming down.

"Protection. Um… right."

"Well, I see you just got back. Enjoy your little trip to the amusement park?" the brunette snidely asked his boyfriend. Jou looked up at Seto and cringed, much to the young billionaire's amusement.

Yami smirked. "Sure. I love puking. I puked so many times that I'm banned from most of the rides. Now gimme a kiss, Big Daddy."

Seto made a face. "No thanks," he said, holding his lover away from him as Yami leaned towards him, lips puckered.

"Mommy, no babies! You promised! Use protection!" Jou screamed, and he covered his eyes and tried to run up the stairs so fast that he tripped on a step and knocked himself out on the banister.

Seto and Yami just stared as their son's limp body slid slowly down the stairs, and then both burst into laughter. All was right in the Kaiba mansion once again.

He didn't want to do it. After all, he was the awesome and mighty Thief King, the bane of all who would stand in his way, the…

Oh hell. Fine, I'll do it. Glancing around one last time, he surreptitiously swiped a bouquet of mixed flowers and ran out of the convenience store. Stupid flowers. Stupid Malik. Why am I doing this again? Oh yes, because it's the duty of the loving husband to occasionally bring his "wife" some flowers, especially if that wife is currently POed. Stupid wife!

Bakura continued to mentally argue with himself all the way back to his house, then decided that the scowl he had pasted on his face would probably not go over so well with Malik. Composing himself before opening the door, he stepped into the house and then frowned. Malik really wasn't joking when he said he was going to bed; all the lights in the house were off, and the white-haired thief could hear nothing but the sound of his own breathing.

Fighting the urge to simply yell Malik's name until the platinum blonde stalked down the stairs, Bakura crept up to the guestroom his darling wife was staying in and pushed open the door as quietly as possible.

Malik was awake and sitting in the dark at the edge of the bed, his hair and eyes luminous in the moonlight. As Bakura slipped in, he let out an involuntary gasp; the other teen was simply gorgeous in the soft light. The tomb keeper's head whipped around at the sound and the thief stopped a few steps away from the bed. "Uhm. Here." Bakura whipped out the bouquet from behind his back and thrust them at Malik. "For you."

The tanned teen hesitantly accepted them. "You… bought me flowers?"

"I got you flowers, yes."

"Stole them, huh?"

Of course. He shrugged. "Yeah, but I stole them for you."

Malik sighed and began plucking absently at the leaves. Why is he doing this? "They're… pretty."

"Not nearly as pretty as you," Bakura blurted out, wincing at the absolute cheesiness of the statement.

Malik's lavender eyes widened momentarily, then narrowed. "You don't get it, do you?"

"Get it? Get what? If you have something to say, just spit it out! You've barely said two words to me since… since…"

The tomb keeper jumped to his feet, throwing the bouquet onto the floor. "You think you can toss some flowers at me and make everything okay? It's NOT okay! Maybe you think it's all right to just go around and fuck whomever whenever you want. But I REFUSE to be just another conquest for you... or anyone else!"

"What? Why would you…" Bakura ran his fingers through his wild hair, then clenched them in agitation. "Look. I know I have a 'reputation' and yeah, I admit, I wanted to bang you cause you're hot..."

"And it won't happen again!" Malik hissed.

"It could and would happen again… and again and again if you'd let it! I didn't know you only wanted a one-night stand, you dumb slut!"

"I DIDN'T… I mean, I…" Even in the dim light, a vivid blush could be seen on Malik's cheeks.

Bakura's brown eyes widened. "That's it, isn't it? That's why you've been a bitch to me. You thought I was just after a fling?" The thief sighed. He was no good at kissy kissy crap… "But… you're wrong. It wasn't… I didn't intend… err… I didn't want just a quick fuck, you know."

Malik grimaced. "Liar."

"Actually, I'm a thief, not a liar. There is a slight difference. But… I can't make you believe me." Frustrated, the white-haired teen picked up the bouquet and tossed it back onto the bed. "I meant what I said. And the flowers are still yours. Good night… get some sleep, okay?" He turned and left the room, heading for the sanctuary of his own bedroom. Ra... I hope I didn't just fuck this up worse...

Malik took one last look at the flowers and followed Bakura out of the room. "Wait."

"Hmm?" Bakura turned around and studied the blonde who stood uncertainly in the hallway.

The tanned teen lowered his eyes and studied the carpet. "Yugi's sleeping in your room. His bed got broken when his destructive little boyfriend came over."

"Oh." I am going to KILL that stupid Mutt! "Well isn't this just fuckin' dandy."

"You… you can sleep with… uh, in bed. With me."

Bakura smiled thinly. "As tempting as the offer is… nah, I'll just sleep on the sofa. It's only one day; I'll live."

Lavender eyes flickered up for a moment in surprise. "Oh. But… well, I insist."

"Are you sure?"

Malik gulped and nodded. "Yes. But… just tonight. And don't try anything funny!"

A smile tugged at Bakura's lips, and he strode forward until he was standing right in front of his wife. "I won't. Thanks," he said simply, reaching up a hand to stroke silvery blonde locks. "Let's go to bed. I'm beat."

The next day, the students all turned in brief "progress reports" for K's perusal. The crazy substitute teacher began reading them in earnest, ignoring the students in favor of their papers. By the last dozen minutes or so of class, the restless students were chitchatting, running around, and just plain goofing off to pass the time. Some of the more well established family groups were eerily starting to resemble real families; Honda and Anzu were playing board games with Ryou and all three were laughing and enjoying themselves.

Other family groups… well… at least none of the parents were currently killing one another or their offspring. As usual, Yami and Seto were busy making out in the corner of the classroom while Jou nervously sat nearby, ignoring Yugi despite the shorter teen's attempts to get his attention. Bakura and Malik sat close to their son but even closer to each other, and from the looks they were shooting at each other, neither one was quite aware of where they were or what Yugi was doing.

"Psst!" Yugi whispered. "Pssssssst! Jou!"

La la la… I hear nothing. Mommy and Daddy are making babies. Isn't that right, Muddy? He tossed the plush dog in the air.

Yugi briefly considered throwing his teddy at his sort-of boyfriend, but didn't want to risk hurting poor Ludwig. "PSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTT!"

Jou finally glanced over at Yugi, who immediately pointed at his own forehead. The blonde stupidly aped the motion, accidentally poking the bandage over the bump on his head. "Ouch."

"Whaaaat haaaapppeened?" Yugi mouthed.

With a quick glance at his lip-locked parents, Jou pointed at Seto, then at Yami, made a kissy face, and then smacked his forehead with the palm of his hand, eliciting another pained groan.

Yugi quirked a brow. They tried to get him in a three-way and… hit him over the head? "Jouuuu… I don't geett iiit…"

K finally finished sorting through the papers and without preamble stood up and addressed the students loudly. "Oh! Forbidden love… how tragic! How sweet!" The students shut up in surprise and stared at their teacher as he waited for their attention. "Are there any parents other than Mr. Kaiba and Mr. Mutou who are dealing with a situation where their child is attempting to make out with another child? Hmm? Speak up!"

Seto broke away from Yami at the sound of his name and shot Jou, Yugi, Bakura and Malik a death glare… someone had revealed what had happened during the impromptu play date in his report. Once he figured out who it was, their ass was grass.

Yugi shifted nervously under the brunette's gaze and hoped that he wouldn't get bonked over the head and dragged off for an up-close and personal appointment with Seto and Yami's bed. Seto's glare intensified and seemed to say, You're a dead man, Yugi. A dead, dead, dead...

K finished looking around the room and grinned before continuing his speech. "Good… that's good! Because although it may sound romantic, the truth is five-year-olds aren't supposed to be interested in molesting their playmates. Obviously, as parents Mr. Kaiba and Mr. Mutou are failing in their duties to teach their little son about the birds and the bees! So guess what? You two get to come in front of the class and teach ALL the little kiddies about the birds and the bees!"

All eyes in the class were now riveted on Seto and Yami. Yami's mouth dropped open. Seto's mouth dropped open. Jou whimpered and slid down in his seat. The other kids in class began laughing.

Seto began to snarl, "I am NOT going to go humiliate myself in front of…"

"Awww, that's okay, I will take great joy in failing not only you, but your wife and son as well," K cooed.

Seto shot to his feet with the look of death on his face, but Yami grabbed his lover's hand just as quickly and gave him a pleading look. "Seto, we can't afford to fail." he whispered frantically.

"This is so fucking stupid!" the taller teen hissed back.

"I know, I know… Wait a minute. You still have that 'Miracle of Life' tape, right?"

"Yeah, of course… but it's at home."

"Have someone bring it while we stall for time!"

K tapped his foot impatiently. "Mr. Mutou. Mr. Kaiba… we're waiting…"

"Right. Birds and bees." Yami stood up nervously and headed for the front of the class while Seto hit the speed dial on his cellphone. He began shooting instructions to the hapless servant who took the call, then paused incredulously for a moment before roaring," WHAT!"

Every head in class swiveled in his direction. The brunette snapped the phone shut, glared at his classmates, then gave Jou the dirtiest look of all.

Jou widened his big, brown eyes. "Uh, Daddy?"

"You… fucking... jammed…. a peanut butter sandwich into the VCR!"

The blonde winced. "The Miracle of Life!" he whined. "Pot roasts! Cheerios!" If nothing else, the tape succeeded in making Jou truly act like a five-year-old.

K shrugged at the little scene, then grinned evilly at Yami and clapped his hands. "Okay, kids! Gather around! This is Mr. Mutou and he has something very important to share with you today!" Jou crawled under his desk, but Ryou and Yugi joined the other "kids" on the floor in the front of the classroom. "They're all yours, Mr. Mutou. And if you don't want to fail, Mr. Kaiba, I suggest you get your ass up front on the double."

"Bite me!" Seto yelled, crossing his arms… crossly.

Yami quirked a brow at his lover, then looked at the assembled children, many of whom were clinging to their stuffed toys and staring absentmindedly at him. All except Yugi, who was giving him the oddest look... something akin to nauseous horror. Great, I get to explain the wonders of sex to my aibou. "Uh… yeah. Hi."

"Hi Mr. Mutou!" the kids chorused back loudly.

Seto's nuts if he thinks I'm going to do this alone. "Um, that's Mr. Kaiba over there. Mr. Kaiba, why don't you come up here with me NOW?"

"Hn. I'd rather not. In fact, you can bite me too."

"I would really appreciate it if you'd come up here."

"I don't think so."

"Seto Kaiba, get your ass up here or else I'm cutting you off!" K and the rest of the students tittered as Seto's face reddened dramatically. With a huff, he stomped his way to the front of the class.

"I'm going to get you for this," he angrily mumbled into Yami's ear as he walked by.

"Send me to the amusement park again and I swear I will save all my vomiting for you," Yami muttered back. "Okay, kids, say hi to Mr. Kaiba."

"Hi Mr. Kaiba!" they all yelled.

"Uh, hi retards," said Seto lamely. "So this is what you little snot-nosed punks need to know about birds and bees. They both can fly. They both have wings..."

K rolled his eyes. "Are you two just going to keep wasting time? Class doesn't last forever you know. I think the best way to teach young children is by demonstration. Considering the two of you are playing tonsil hockey most of the time, you should just give the kids a few examples of what little five-year-olds are NOT supposed to be doing to their playmates."

"I am going to KILL you, you perverse asshole!" snarled Seto.

"And I am going to FAIL you, you… not nice person. So get going!"

"He does have a point. We do spend most of class making out," Yami said softly.

"What are you saying?"

Yami leaned in and ran his fingers up Seto's arm. "Class doesn't end for another… ten minutes? Might as well spend the time wisely… Big Daddy." He waggled his brows.

Oh, why the hell not? Seto grabbed Yami's wrist and pulled the shorter teen into his embrace. "Okay, brats. This is what you DON'T do with your dorky little friends," he instructed, then mashed his lips against Yami's for a sloppy kiss with lots of tongue. The ex-spirit moaned and grabbed at Seto's ass.

The class hooted and hollered and K grinned, pulling a tin of popcorn out from under his desk and sitting back in his seat. Ah, free entertainment. It's times like this when I actually enjoy my job, he thought, popping in a mouthful of caramel corn. Mmm, tasty.

TBC

Author's Notes:
- The "pushing a pot roast through a Cheerio" joke was from… somewhere? Someone? I can't remember. It's just my favorite horrifying abstract mental image to describe the joy of childbirth.
- Yes yes, everyone's horribly OOC. Well, heck, why not? I'm just following the trend that was set up in previous chapters :)

Bishonen no Miko – July 6, 2005