Pussycat, Pussycat
by: Mizz Destiny
A/N: yea, yea as usual I don't own Kelly's Heroes. I do own Pvt. Elaina McCaully and most of Oddball's unit (who only appear in the movie, with no namessniff). Anyway for those of you who haven't seen the movie, Kelly's Heroes, go rent it. It has Clint Eastwood, Donald Sutherland, and many, many others. It's a great anti-war comedy. Came out the same year as MASH. Enjoy.
"Pussycat, pussycat where have you been?
I've been to London to look at the Queen."
-children's rhyme
"O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,
What a beautiful Pussy you are."
-The Owl and the Pussycat
Private Elaina McCaully tightened her grip on the jeep as she was nearly bounced from the vehicle. Squinting through the darkness of night and fog ahead she couldn't make out the convoy of jeeps in front of them, much less the road they were driving on. Turning towards the private driving she asked, "Are you sure you know where you're going?"
"Ise just follows the fellows in front," he said slowly and stupidly, not taking his squinted eyes from the front.
"That's not what I asked," Elaina muttered under her breath. Her remark was punctuated by a particularly large jolt that made the private grab for her helmet as it rose into the air. 'I think the real question is, are they sure they're still on the road?'
Another jolt and Elaina asked out loud, "Is there even a road?"
The driver looked at her. "What?" he asked blinking his heavy-lidded eyes at her. The jeep swerved, nearly flipped and Elaina suddenly found her stomach in her throat and her heart where her stomach had been.
"Never mind," she said swallowing. "Just please keep your eyes on the road!" With that Elaina curled up into a ball, facing out the passenger window, her knees hugged to her chest. She ignored the private and the occasional squawk of the radio, until she fell into a deep sleep.
She stayed in that state until the next morning when she was awoken by the private shaking her rudely. "Wha?" she asked sleepily.
"Wes here. Youse new outfit is somewheres round here. Get out 'fore Ise lose the convoy."
Elaina reached into the back and yanked out her rucksack. Scrambling out of her seat, she toppled over as the jeep sped away before her feet had hit the ground. Picking her self up she groaned trying to wipe most of the mud off her clothes. "Great, thanks buddy," she muttered. Sighing at the state of her ruined uniform – there was no chance looking presentable for her new CO now – she picked up her sack and looked around. It was a small, bombed-out town, somewhere near the front. It didn't look like a base for a trio of tanks. In fact except for two army green vehicles, it didn't look like anyone was in the town. Resettling her bag on her shoulder, she set off in search for the army.
The first clue to their location was the ugly smell of unwashed bodies, the smell of unappealing food, and the comforting smell of gasoline. The second was the loud male voice, yelling at someone. Following the voice, Elaina found herself at a large, intact barn. The loud voice reverberated through the open doors, punctuated by a slamming sound.
Elaina took a deep breath and straightened. She plunged forward, through the barn doors and into a brand new world.
The barn was, thankfully, brighter than the foggy outdoors because of the lamps scattered around. The unwashed smell however was even worse inside, where it seemed an entire squad had fit. Many of the men were doing nothing, kicking back and relaxing in the down time. Elaina searched out the sergeant, scanning the room. In one glance she found the sergeant and the voice that was making all the noise. He stood at the jeep, his back to her, yelling into the radio. Every few seconds he banged the hood of the jeep to emphasize a statement.
Elaina steeled herself, and moved toward the jeep. She began to get nervous as she noticed that every soldier she passed stopped what they were doing to watch her walk across the barn. By the she reached the jeep Elaina was shaking slightly and had every set of eyes on her, except the sergeant's. She came to a halt behind him and waited, nervously.
The man that was sitting in the jeep tapped his sergeant, "Hey Joe!" he said nervous as well.
The sergeant stopped yelling. "Hang on a second," he said curtly into the radio, "Little Joe what is it!" Little Joe swallowed and pointed over Big Joe's shoulder. Big Joe glanced over his shoulder and did a double take. Turning all the way around he looked the mud stained private up and down. "Who are you?" he barked.
Elaina snapped to attention. "Private Elaina McCaully," she saluted.
"Whadda ya want?" Joe asked.
Reaching into the pocket of her shirt, Elaina pulled out her orders. "Sergeant Helms?" she asked, moving to hand him the papers.
"Nobody here by that name," Joe said staring at her.
"Oh," Elaina murmured, confused. This wasn't the right place after all! The driver had gotten lost after all and dumped her here! And boy was she stuck here!
Elaina's thoughts were interrupted by a muffled voice. "Mumpfdung ugg duggle!"
Big Joe twisted around and snapped out, "Crapgame! For chr- crying out loud, don't talk with your mouth full!"
The man sitting at the table swallowed his bite of sandwich. Glaring at Big Joe he spoke clear this time, "Sgt. Helms? Helms is Oddball's last name."
Joe looked shocked, "Oddball? Oddball and his hooligans are here! Why wasn't I told!"
"But Joe," a sickly looking man whined, "you've been on the phone all morning!"
"Was I talkin' to you, Barbara?" Big Joe said darkly.
"Babra, Joe!"
"Shadda up," Joe growled, throwing Little Joe's coffee cup at him, causing a brief skirmish.
Crapgame snorted at the antics. Jerking his head, he told Elaina, "Go outside and around the corner, honey. You'll find him in the town hall."
"Thank you," Elaina said, grabbing her bag from the floor and fleeing. The whole squad watched her go.
When she was gone Big Joe asked for confirmation from no in particular: "That private was female, right?"
"Yea Joe," Little Joe said, sighing happily. Big Joe looked at him in disgust and smacked him.
Turning back to the jeep Big Joe picked up the radio. "Wonder what the hell she wants with Oddball?" he mussed. Shrugging it off he listened to the radio, "Yea I'm still here you asshole!..."
A/N2: Oddball will be in the next chapter. Kelly, I'm not so sure of when he'll appear, since this fic will mostly focus on Oddball & CO.