(I should point out that these are random one-shots and are in no particular order.)

Terrible Crimes of Fan Fiction

Inspiration: Terrible serious fics and hilarious parody fics

Disclaimer: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Stop poking me dammit! mutters Frelling Becky. OK, so I own nothing; no Potter characters or that Farscape curse. On the other hand, I think I own myself.

Summary: Some of the horrid crimes committed by those who think putting themselves, friends, favorite actors, ect. into supposedly serious fictions. Here we go . . .

A tall figure swept into the room of waiting students. He had long blonde hair, sparkling blue eyes, and a heavenly choir, the latter of which he waved away impatiently.

"Alright everybody, I am Professor Greenleaf and I will be your Defense Against the Dark Arts professor this year." He smiled prettily at everyone causing nearly every girl and many a boy to swoon. "Do you mortals have any questions worthy of my gorgeous self?" (author cackles madly. "gorgeous? ha!)

"I do! I do!" A girl with hair as blonde as the elven teacher - though not as shiny of course because she didn't have room in her school trunk for all the hair care products - jumped up and down in her seat with her hand in the air. Needless to say, Hermione did not appreciate someone acting like this before her. She eagan crying hysterically because she had no other purpose than to be psychotically studious.

Legolas raised a carefully plucked eyebrow. "Yes?"

"He said yes! OMG he said yes!" Miss Becky fell out of her chair at this. She hopped up and vaulted over her desk, effectively tackling him. "You're coming with me, sexy!" She then proceeded to drag him into a broom closet.

The whole class watched in stunned silence because the author can't figure out anything else for them to do. The professor fought all the way across the room. "Aaahh, get your mortal hands off me! Oh Valar save me! . ." Miss Becky ignored all of this and stuffed him into said closet followed by herself. A piteous cry could be heard from the closet. "No! That's my shoe! Why would you take my shoe?"

At this point, a girl with dirty blonde hair, hazel eyes, and a shirt sporting a psychotic squirrel swept into the room, put her broom down, and said "Okay everybody out! The author doesn't want the rating to go up so stop crying and get out!" Most of the class was, in fact, crying jealously. "Dammit, wenches! Listen to me!" She ran forward. Straight into the corner of the desk. Most were too confused by these three people to even laugh.

The randomly-introduced girl suddenly realized something. She was the author and could do anything she damn well pleased. "Okay, you and you." She said while pointing to Ron and Hermione. "Kiss . . . Now." She added as they looked at her in bewilderment. Kaythara brandished a pencil and paper at them. "These are the mighty tools of the author. I am the mighty author, Kaythara, and you will obey! MWAHAHAHAHA!"

The two members of the Golden Trio kissed, fireworks appeared overhead, the class cheered, ect. Kaythara steepled her fingers and said, "Eeeeeecellent. Now, Malfoy go to the lake." He did so and was promptly eaten by a large fish.

Miss Becky's head peeked out of the closet. "Dude, your name is not Kaythara."

"I don't care! Now get away from pretty boy before he crushes your dreams and comes out of a different kind of closet."

"He is not gay! Wench! Now get on with the story. I want the rating to go up and take off more than his shoe. I mean shoe? What fun is that?"

"You dare tell me to compromise my integrity? (Because putting myself in a fic of crappiness doesn't do that.) That's it!" She made a swift mark on the paper and Legolas disappeared.

"NNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"Er." said Harry. "I don't want to get killed off or anything, but you haven't mentioned me in this whole thing. Could you maybe fix that?"

"Of course, dear." She said in a motherly voice before scribbling madly on her paper.

"Oh so you don't get mad at him?" said Miss Becky in a huffy tone. She was still holding the green shoe.

Ignoring this, the author waved the wand that she decided to suddenly give herself. A copy of the Daily Prophet appeared and she handed it to Harry. "Here you go. How is that, sweetest?" she asked, still using the same sickly sweet voice because she can't figure out how else to talk to him, and patted his head.

Lord Thingy Defeated!

The Ministry of Magic has just released a shocking statement. Apparently the Dark Lord (You-Know-Who, He-Who's-Name-We're-Too-Wimpy-to-say…) has been vanquished once and for all! Cool huh? In another attempt to kill Harry Potter, Lord Thingy and his Death Eaters showed up in the Forbidden Forest. They did this because Potter always manages to get himself in there at night. A fierce battle between Harry Potter and the forces of darkness ensued. He fought valiantly and incapacitated every Death Eater because he's good like that. For reasons unknown, Malfoy, Crabbe, and Goyle, showed up and gave Mr. Potter a novel idea.

"Hey Goyle! What did you say to McGonagall when she asked about theory of transfiguration?"

We are not exactly clear on what the response was, but the stupidity of it caused a weak blood vessel in the Dead Lord's brain to rupture. Harry knew about the weakness because he could get into Thingy's mind and, uh, saw it. Because that totally makes sense. Anyways, Potter's an even greater hero and he didn't even have to kill. It was technically Goyle, but he's dumb so he gets no fame.

Harry looked up happily and said "Rockin'" because that seems like something he'd say following such a thing. "In fact, you're coming with me." He grabbed Kaythara's arm and hauled her into the recently vacated closet.

". . . the Hell?" said Miss Becky confusedly.

Fin.