When Good Sombreros Go Bad

Disclaimer: Everything you recognize belongs to J.K. Rowling. La Bomba belongs to herself, I hope.

Inspiration: IM with someone called BrdSlly89. Told you I was taking requests.

Summary: A new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor shows up . . . and wants her sombrero back.

Professor Dumbledore, in all his ultimate coolness, hopped up on the staff table and caused several students to fly out of the window and fall into the lake. Why? Because he an. "Okay!" he called to those still in the Great Hall. "I have found you a new professor for that class nobody wants to teach anymore. You know the one. It's cursed and I shall be surprised if another professor doesn't die!"

A young woman with olive skin and long, dark hair looked up in alarm. Many of the boys, the ones who didn't swoon for Professor Legolas anyway, cheered even though she hadn't been introduced yet. "Wait, die? That was NOT in the job description, dude!"

"Oh don't worry. The last one got dragged into a broom closet by a hormonal teenager."

She smiled happily at that and said "Kick ass" before returning to her peaches that she had made low-carb with the Atkinspellio charm

Dumbledore nodded wisely for some reason we shall never know. He's just too smart for us to know what he's thinking. He beamed at everyone and told them, "This is Professor La Bomba! Everybody cheer now."

Much cheering was done and the fic moved to the next scene.

Snape glared at the class because that is his favorite past time. Suddenly, the new professor swept into class with a nice mahogany broom with blue twigs. She strolled over to Draco Malfoy and leaned down until she was just inches away from his face. She thought, If he doesn't punch me for that, I'm taking points from Slytherin. In a voice of deadly clam she said, loud enough for the whole class to hear, "I know you've got it, boy. I can get very nasty if I don't get what I want, and I want what is mine. Do you understand?" Malfoy tried his best to look calm, but he is a wuss so it didn't work. La Bomba grabbed the front of his robes and shook him so his tiny brain rattled loudly. "I want my damn sombrero!" She clonked him on the head with her broom and strode to the door.

"Now wait just a minute!" said Snape with a menacing glare. "You can't manhandle students! Dumbledore will lay the smack down on you."

"Why not?" yelled Harry. "You totally beat me up in 5th year! And why am I not the center of this. I'm Harry Potter for crying out loud!"

La Bomba raised an eyebrow of doom. "Crying indeed. I'm cooler than you. Besides, the quest to get my sombrero back is more important than saving the world." Several students nodded. "I'd so love to penalize you for your stupidness, but Malfoy stole my beloved Crunk so five points from Slytherin." She clonked both of them on the head with her broom and, because she can, seized Snape and kissed him right on the lips. Several students gagged into their cauldrons. La Bomba let him go, hit him hard over the head with her broom, and flew down the hall on said scary broom of violence.

Later that day, Harry, Ron and Hermione were walking innocently down the corridors. Well, it would be innocent if it wasn't 1:00 a.m., if they weren't under the Invisibility Cloak, and if they weren't trying to find some odd thing or another that they shouldn't know about. Ron was whispering excitedly to the others. "And then Percy walked in all resplendent in a frilly dress like the one the Chiquita banana lady wears . . ."

A menacing voice came from the shadows. "Isn't 'resplendent' a weird word? I mean, it's like splendid . . . again! Crazy!"

The Golden Trio jumped in three different directions at once, causing the cloak to fall off. Hermione gasped. "Why are you in your underwear, Ron?"

Ron looked down and gasped. "Uh well, it gets hot under there and, er, we're supposed to be invisible!"

Harry gasped. "How did you know we were there?"

Professor La Bomba gasped. It seemed like the fashionable thing to do. "I'm just good like that. Listen guys, I need your help." She grinned in a maniacal way.

"Errrrrrr, k." said Harry because he can't keep from helping. It's just what he does.

"Good boy!" she patted him on the head and gave him a dog bone. "That conniving rhinestone cowboy, Malfoy, stole my best friend. I fear for Crunk's safety."

Hermione gaped (gasping is so three minutes ago) at her. "He stole your friend? That's just wrong! Tell us what he looks like and we'll help."

La Bomba sighed in relief and took a sip of diet Snapple to calm her nerves. "He's kind of round and is decorated with red and green paint. When he's happy, his lights twinkle and fill you with hope." She looked off into space with a dreamy expression. "Oh and he likes to ride on people's heads."

"Hold on!" said Ron. "We have to save a hat?"

"No!" yelled the new professor and clonked him on the head with her infamous broom. "You have to save a sombrero. Say it right!" They all eyed the broom cautiously and nodded. "That's the spirit."

Just then, McGonagall showed up. I guess she heard the broom go CLUNK. "What in the name of catnip is going on here? Do I have to hit something with my cane?"

"Cane?" scoffed La Bomba. "Hahaha, granny! Go get your meds!"

McGonagall stared, flabbergasted, at her. Taking the moment of silence to her advantage, La Bomba hopped on her broom, pulled the Trio up behind her, and zoomed off down to the dungeons. She pushed them off when they got to the entrance to the Slytherin Common Room. "Now go. Go and save my dear friend!" she said dramatically, and sped off to her office.

"Hold on." said Harry. "She's a crazed professor. Why can't she do it?"

Hermione looked thoughtful. "I don't know. I also don't know why we haven't had a DADA class yet."

"Let's get it over with." Said Ron as he hitched up his Wranglers.

As the bravest students in the history of time proceeded on the Quest to Save Crunk the Sombrero, a professor sat in her office sipping on diet Snapple. Half an hour later, they came back with all of Slytherin House on their trail. Professor La Bomba leapt out and screamed, "GO BACK TO YOUR ROOM BEFORE I KISS SNAPE AGAIN!" They all ran away screaming. Except for Malfoy, that is. He was stuck to a magnet by his giant belt buckle.

Harry smiled proudly. "We've got him, and Crunk!"

La Bomba looked at the blonde, who was wearing a giant hat with twinkle lights, and said "Well duh. I can see that even with my cataracts." She snatched the hat off his head and put it on herself. "Okay, now that my work is done I can blow this popsicle stand."

"What?" shouted all three members of the Trio. Harry said, "We risked our butts for you and you're just going to leave? We haven't even had class yet!"

"So?" asked La Bomba. "I'm not even a witch. I just wanted by sombrero. Jeeze, you guys."

Malfoy yelled, "No! I demand satisfaction!" Harry jumped away with a scared look on his face. "Not like that, Potter! Ew. I just want my friend back, my only real friend." He burst into tears.

"Well that's how the cookie crumbles, ferret boy. And just because I don't like you . . ." she took off Crunk and flung him at Malfoy like a Frisbee of death. He ducked just in time and it whizzed on down the corridor. By a happy twist of fate, Cho was at the end of it, crying her eyes out like usual. The sombrero caught up with her and, well "GROSS!" yeah, that.

La Bomba caught Crunk as he came back, jammed him on her head, and flew out of the great oak doors, into the night. As she left she screamed, "Attack my flying monkeys!"

And they never saw her again. Maybe.

(A/N: Um, yeah. I had a list of stuff and that's what happened. shrug)