Chris: Well, I noticed the lack of game show fics in the FE section (Actually, I read the newest chapter of OFURNK. If I screwed that up, forgive me.) Anyway, here it is.
Disclaimer: Don't own Fire Emblem.
Note: OCs from my stories as well as characters from my FP stories will be making appearances. As well as some other people who are not from Fire Emblem or my stories. And if you hate random line stealing from various places, you might not like this one.
Chapter 1: First Episode, Part 1
"Hello everyone! My name is Keiko Yatai and I'll be your host for today!" The white-haired man stepped up to a podium, carrying a small stack of cards. "Welcome to our game show, Guess That Guy or Gal!" He flashed a big smile to the cameras and continued on his introductions.
"For those of you that don't know how the show works, we yank random people off of the streets and ask them random questions about people they've probably never even met before! Exciting, huh!" Keiko smiled again. "But we can't have a game show without great prizes, can we? Too bad I'm independently wealthy, or else I might actually have to give away some of my own stuff!" Keiko slammed his open palm on the podium.
"Ow!" The man let out a yelp and shook his hand rapidly. "Anyway, Bob! Tell us what great prizes we can give to the winners! Ooooh…My poor hand…"
"All right, Keiko!" A loud, booming voice came out of nowhere. "For our first place winners, we have…A castle in Ostia!"
"HEY! THAT'S MY CASTLE!" Hector, the blue-haired marquess of Ostia, rushed up on stage and yelled at the ceiling. "NO ONE GIVES AWAY MY CASTLE!"
"Security! Remove this insane man!" Keiko pressed a small red button and soldiers dressed in blindingly bright colors materialized and led the struggling Hector off of the stage.
"I'LL SUE! I'LL GET LU BU AND HE'LL SHU YOU!" Hector shouted at the top of his lungs as he was led off the stage.
"Now that that distraction is over…Bob! Continue with the prizes!" Keiko muttered something about lunatics in armor who didn't know how to complain correctly.
"Ahem!" The LBV (Loud-Booming Voice) cleared its throat. "To the second place contestants….We have a fabulous trip for four people to the tropical paradise of Valor Island! You can spend seven days and six nights at Dragon's Gate, one of the best hotels on the whole island! Scavenge through ruins and live in the wilderness like a true maniac who wants only power!"
"Isn't that great, folks?" Keiko yelled to the audience.
"No, it isn't!" The audience yelled back.
"Hahahaha! Aren't they just great kidders?" Keiko laughed fakely and pressed another button on the podium and muttered, "I want everyone in the audience…removed. Got that?" Now that his business of….uh…cleaning up was finished, he turned his attention back to the game show. "How about those in third place?"
"Well," the LBV paused for dramatic effect, "They get an Iron Sword!"
"…An Iron Sword…"
"Yes, an iron sword."
"Hahaha! Well, makes me wish I could play so I could win the prizes, right?" Keiko clapped his hands. "Now, to explain the game! There are three groups of two people! On the board," He pointed to a huge TV screen on the opposite wall. "You'll see a couple of lines describing a person! It's up to the contestants to guess who the person is! And they'll gain points in terms of difficulty! As you can obviously tell, the group with the most points…LOSES!"
"WHAT?" There was a collective gasp in the crowd.
"Just kidding! Hah hah! I crack myself up!" Keiko burst into hysterical laughter. "I'm just kidding! The people with the most points win!" He shook his head and wiped a tear away. "Now! Who's our first group?"
The LBV started its routine again. "Our first group contains a lovely young girl and a nice, bright young boy! Say hello to Clarise Fizeth and Harvest from Illusions and Reality! Uh…We don't know his last name yet! But either way, say a warm welcome to them!"
The two of them appeared out of thin air, looking bewildered. Clarise, a young girl with bright-red hair spotted Keiko and clenched her fists, slowly shuddering. Harvest looked around, scratching his blond-haired head and appearing extremely confused. Clarise stomped up to Keiko and started poking him in the chest.
"Where the hell did you put me now?" Clarise glared at him. "Boy, if you put me in another situation where I'm going to die and you don't explain a word, then I'm going to punch your lights out!"
"You're on a game show."
"Whoa! Really?" Clarise gasped. "A real live game show? This is so cool!" She clasped her hands happily. "I can't believe it! You don't totally suck after all!"
"Thanks…I guess." Keiko scratched his head. "Just…Go back to your podium thing and wait for the game to start."
"Okay! But I'm not through with you yet!" Clarise glared at Keiko one last time before flouncing back to her section of the stage. Harvest looked at her quizzically and Clarise began explaining where the hell they were.
"Next up! Marinn Foreflight and Ethan…Yatai? Wha? I have a son?" Keiko looked at the card again. "That can't be right. There's gotta be some typo here. But it says Yatai…Oh crap…I'm a father and I don't even know it. Anyway, they're from Fate Is Not Always Sealed…Oh god…I have a son."
Ethan Yatai, a brown haired boy of around eighteen appeared with his partner, a seventeen-year old girl with light-blue hair. Ethan scratched his head.
"That was some graduation party…One moment we're on the dance floor, next we're here. It's kinda creepy." Ethan looked around. "Looks like some sort of hick game show or something."
"Ah! My son doesn't even have the same color hair as I do! And he says my game show is for hicks! I'm so deeply ashamed!" Keiko started bawling all over the podium. Ethan and Marinn cast confused glances at the host before going to their part of stage. Just as a sort of a prank on their creepy host, Marinn cast a small spell that levitated Keiko in the air and spun him in circles.
"ARGH! Now all my blood's rushing to my head!" Keiko wailed in the air, flailing his arms around rapidly. Marinn let out a small chuckle before releasing him from the spell. Which caused Keiko to crash into the ground.
Clarise raised an eyebrow at the fallen host. "Boy, I thought you were mysterious and creepy earlier…But now I just realize you're an idiot. Aaaand you're still creepy."
"You shut up! Don't make me break out my whole "I am the Everseer!" routine, okay? Sheesh, a guy needs to take a break from that stuff some day, okay?" Keiko hmped. "Now! For our last contestants! From the lovely country of Etruria, Erk! And his partner from Ostia, Serra! And they don't have last names before Fire Emblem never mentions them! Awesome, isn't it!"
"Oh Elimine! Why is Serra my partner?" Erk, the young, purple-haired mage from Etruria, gasped in a combination of revulsion and horror as Serra appeared next to him.
"I know why, Erk! It's because we're fated to be together!" Serra dragged the protesting Erk to their little spot on the stage. Everyone else, including the audience, gave Erk pitying looks as Serra continued to latch on to him.
"Now that all of our contestants are here, let's begin the game!" Keiko got over the appearance of his 'son' and pressed the button on a little hand-buzzer. A small silhouette of a person, along with a couple of lines of information appeared on the huge TV screen. "Here's our first person! This is worth one-hundred points!"
This person is hot-headed and gruff.
Strong, but caring, stupid and oafish
Almost the stereotype of all fighting people
"Grroooooaaaagghh!"
"…" Clarise gaped at the screen. "My little brother!"
"WRONG! And you must buzz in before you answer!" Keiko smirked at Clarise, who retaliated by flipping him off.
Erk buzzed in.
"Yes, Erk?" Keiko looked at the mage.
"Excuse me, but can someone get her away from me?" Erk pointed to Serra, who had a death grip on his chest.
Keiko nodded sorrowfully. "Nope. I'm truly sorry…Kind of. Do you have an answer?"
"Well, duh? It's Bartre." Erk sighed and tried pushing Serra off of him, to no avail.
"That's correct! One-hundred points for Erk's team!" Keiko pressed the hand-buzzer button again. Another image appeared…Well, you know what appeared. "One-hundred points!"
He's the III of a family.
Loves playing games
Is Briefs Boy.
"I was just showing Aeris my Boxxors-of-Roxxors…"
Clarise buzzed in. "I know who this is from reading webcomics on the internet! It's Leo from VG Cats!"
Keiko glared at her. "Hmph. One-hundred points for the bitch's team."
"WHAT WAS THAT?" Clarise got up and started stomping towards Keiko.
Keiko stuck his tongue out at Clarise and waved her away. "You bother me. Don't make me send you to the middle of a volcano next time." Clarise glared at him and walked back to her spot on the stage.
"You're lucky you didn't teach me more magic, or else I might just blow you up!"
"Right, right." Keiko pressed the button again. "Three-hundred points!"
Nicknamed Rookie.
"I really think you're being rash about this whole thing there's no reason to be rash, dear God, be less rash!"
"Another webcomic character?" Clarise buzzed in. "That's Roy G. Bivowitz from the Field of Battle miniseries on 8-Bit Theatre!"
"How many webcomics do you read?" Keiko grimaced and added three-hundred points to Clarise's total. Harvest cheered happily, even though the blond-haired archer had done absolutely nothing for their team yet.
"Next one! Two-hundred points!" Keiko…I'm getting tired of saying that. You know what he did.
Is scared of girls that have big breasts
Became the Overlord of the Netherworld after sleeping for two years
Is served my not-so-loyal vassals and a Love Freak
Falls in love with said Love Freak
"On a side note, flat-chested girls like you have absolutely no effect on me."
"Argh! I know that's a game! Man…If only my brother was here…" Clarise paused. "I'm actually wishing my brother was here! Argh! Hell must have frozen over!"
"Let me check my Hell Meter." Keiko looked at a small pendant hanging from his wrist. "Wow. Hell did freeze over. Good work, Clarise. Now people will just suffer from the cold in hell instead of suffer from heat. And…Apparently, that guy from the college that got an A on his science paper got laid. Good for him."
Ethan buzzed in. "Hate to interrupt…But the answer is Laharl from Disgaea."
Everyone stared at him.
Ethan shrugged. "What? Just because I haven't been able to answer anything before doesn't mean I couldn't."
"That's a good enough explanation for anything! Two-hundred points for Ethan's team! And here's the next one for one-hundred points!"
Is named Lyn
Keiko stared at it. "Okay, that's just bullshit! Who made that card? I want him executed!"
"You did, sir." The LBV replied.
"Oh….I want the maker of that card to get a raise! But let's go to another one!" Keiko shuffled the cards around. "Here it is, for two-hundred points!"
Redhead
Tries to juggle two girls at once and usually fails
His best friend eats a lot
Goes to Riverdale High School
"Wow! You must be what they call a 'girl'!"
There was silence for a looong time. Then more silence. And more silence. And then a goose honked.
"Oooh! Sorry, but that sound means that we've run out of time for this character! His name is Archie, from Archie's Digest Library!" Keiko sighed. "And now we come to our first intermission! Enjoy the commercials, folks!"
---
Have you ever wondered what it would take to get rid of those pesky bandits camped right outside of your city? Lacking in strong-willed people to come join your fight? Look no more! Call 1-800-IMA-HERO to get the best fighters in the entire world! Listen to the satisfied customers who have called 1-800-IMA-HERO and have gotten rid of their bandit problem!
"Well, one day, my rowdy daughter was out hunting when a bunch of bandits kidnap her and try to take over my village! I'm the mayor, you know." The mayor, a fat, chubby, balding man pointed to himself. "That over there's my daughter. She's a pretty little one." He pointed to his daughter, a girl with long green hair that was tied up in pigtails. "I just called 1-800-IMA-HERO and suddenly warriors from Pherae came and helped me out! They were courteous in their work and extremely speedy in dispatching all of the brigands! My village was saved and my daughter was carried away by a man with no eyes! I couldn't have been happier with the service! You should call 1-800-IMA-HERO too! I know I did, and it helped me out a lot!"
So, remember the number, 1-800-IMA-HERO and get rid of all your bandit problems! Remember! 1-800-IMA-HERO or 1-800-462-4376!
---
Are you a master villain? Do you need to get loyal minions to fight for you? Would you like to gain infinite power through sacrificing hundreds of innocent souls? Then look no further! The ByeMan Academy of Evil Arts is here to help! Within just a couple of months, you can become a master villain of any game or anime! Flexible hours and there are branches all over the world! Become a feared overlord or a maniacal villain all within the comfort of your own home with our online courses!
"I went to ByeMan Academy of Evil Arts, and I must say, it has completely changed my life!" A golden blond-haired man was speaking. "Within the safety of my own castle, I was able to learn all I needed to become a master villain! It was cheap, cost-effective, and completely 100 evil! If it wasn't for the ByeMan Academy of Evil Arts, I wouldn't have become the master villain of Fire Emblem 6 and I wouldn't have caused the death of Hector and Eliwood! Plus, I got to use an awesome looking spear/sword thing! That's what being a master villain is all about!"
Call The ByeMan Academy of Evil Arts now and become a villain right away! The number is 1-800-ByM-AoEA! Once again, 1-800-ByM-AoEA or 1-800-296-2632!
---
"Eliwood! You don't love me anymore!" A teal-haired girl pushed a red-haired man away and dashed off, crying. Eliwood grabbed the girl's hand and pulled her close to him.
"Ninian…I am always in love with you. You are the only one I need in my life. You are like the sun to my moon. You shine on my daily and keep me from growing dim."
"Oh…Eliwood…" Ninian wrapped her hands around Eliwood and started sobbing.
What you have just seen is a portion of the new sitcom of channel 33, A Lord's Wish! Join the tale of young Eliwood as he sets out from his home of Pherae and journey's the continent in search of his one true love! Drama!
"Hector…How could you?"
Angst!
"If I didn't make that mistake…She would still be with me…"
Action and Adventure!
"Die, you scum!"
Humor!
"Better dead than Red!"
Tragedy!
"No! Father! Please…Don't leave me!"
And even the Supernatural!
"I leave this gift for you…Use it wisely, Lord Eliwood, as my time on this land grows short…I must depart for the ghostly realm…"
A Lord's Wish! The new sitcom on channel 33! All Elibe, all the time!
Chris: I hope you enjoyed that. If not…Well, okay. Stuff that is welcome: Advice, criticism, complaints that I have too many stories and I don't update them fast enough, etc.