Challenge #: 29
Author: Christine (FlyingKit)
Title: Lets Be Frank
Rating: (pg)
Spoilers/Warnings: through 'Hard Eight' and 'Visions of Sugar Plums.'
I heard the scrape of shoe behind me and knew she was there.
Damn.
Beady eyes bore into at me like industrial strength lasers. What the hell was she blaming on me now? Since I had a good guess, I discretely slipped the TV remote in the recliner with me out of plain sight. I couldn't withstand another four hour block of 'The Weather Channel' network. Another minute listening to yammering about storm fronts and warming trends… and I might just take the ol' gal on that tour to the 'Godfather' tollbooth after all. Lord, shoot me if I do half the things Edna does when I get that long in the tooth.
I pulled the newspaper up closer to my nose so the ol' bat wouldn't catch me looking at her. The last time she did, she insisted I was giving her the hairy eyeball and zapped me with that damn stun gun. At least she didn't mention any other kind of balls that time. I shuddered.
"Something wrong, Sonny?" Edna, the mother-in-law from hell, cackled at me. I chose to ignore her with a grunt. Safer for all involved.
"Sounds like you have constipation to me from all the grunts and the squirming. That's what happens when you sit around on your keister all day long with a crabby attitude. Why, my friend, Agnes Hennery, remember her? She was the one at your wedding who said you two wouldn't last but a year. Anyway, where was I? Oh, that's right: Agnes. She got herself all stopped up from those burritos she was so fond of and keeled over during communion, nosedived right into the sacramental wine. I told her to take the Metamucil, but she wouldn't listen; kept insisting the Ex-lax made her pipes cleaner." I heard Edna snort loudly.
"Like that stuff really works! Do you know the rumor going around the viewing at Stiva'swas that they had to pump her out so they could fit her in the casket? Now why someone would give a corpse an enema is beyond me."
"MOTHER!"Ah, my beloved wife to the rescue, but a little too late for my mind to be saved from total contamination. I sighed at the thought.
"You shouldn't say such things! What would the neighbors say if they heard you talking like some common… common… riffraff?" Ellen's voice quavered up into the dog whistle range with that last word. I knew without looking at her that's she would be trembling and wringing her hands. Poor thing. I'd help but… who was I kidding? It was every man for himself in this house, it had been for years.
"Well it's the truth, Ellen. I know. I looked in the casket 'cause I wanted to see if she looked bloated or not…" Edna's voice trailed out of the living room after Ellen who was desperately trying to run away. Ha, fat chance of that.
Someone rapped at the front door and before Ellen could answer it properly, I was under siege. The hell spawn had invaded the living room. The distinct reverberation of hoof beats on the hardwood floor, running in circles was what gave it away. I smiled behind the paper. Mary-Alice, reminded me of Pumpkin. Now that was a good kid.
My smile faded abruptly when a rude little hand crashed through my paper shield, pulling it down. Rats. Is it a mortal sin to have a favorite grandkid?
"Do you know it's a statically proven fact that most taxi drivers in urban areas develop a form of cancer within the first five years of service? I believe it has to do with the high exposure rate to pollution. So you, grandpa, only have one good year left. Do you have a last will and testament?" Angie finished and peered at me with her mother's eyes. I swear that kid never blinked; Pod person, definitely pod person. She just wasn't the right flavor of crazy to be full fledged Plum.
Val stomped in and dropped some luggage beside my chair, three bags to be precise. Shit, not again. She and that circus freak were always fighting. You'd think the new rug rat would have put a stop to the 'Frankie and Johnny' routine.
"Dad, can you take these up to our room? We are staying the night. Mom said it was okay." I'll just bet she did. Ellen hated Klougn more than I did. Only recently the baby was his new trump card, which had made her go easier on the milquetoast. I snorted and pulled the paper back up. Typical.
"Come on, girls, let's go help grandma with dinner." Val snapped her fingers at them from the doorway as she exited. I heard the stampede move out followed by a chorus of groans. I barely stifled the chuckle. Ellen hated when I laughed at the grandkids and she had the ears of a bat. Some things didn't change, not even after almost forty years of marriage. 'Until death do you part' was turning out to be a longer journey than I expected. Maybe the pod had a point. I made a mental note to drive the cab more often to speed things up.
Beside my chair the window rattled.. from someone bumping into it. How did I guess that? The cursing gave it away. I peeked over the paper and saw a familiar shadow creeping up the front stoop. I grinned. My pumpkin had arrived. I wonder who she blew up this time. She only snuck in when things were really bad.
A soft pair of lips brushed my cheek with a kiss.
"Hey, Dad. How're things?"
God love her, she was the only one who asked anymore.
I shrugged with a small smile. She smiled back. Life was good.
"Same old, same old," I grumbled gruffly so she wouldn't think I'd gone soft. She chuckled softly.
"I'll just bet. I see Val is back," she whispered.
I rolled my eyes in response and she smothered more laughter with a hand.
"Love you," she mumbled against my cheek before slipping away.
As I watched her sneak back out, I whispered it back to her. I felt some moisture on my cheek. Shit, I must have something in my eye.