Chapter 18

World In My Eyes

The next week, when we had a break, Harry approached me. He didn't realize the error in it, but with as many people watching it was most likely noticed. I didn't want to hurt his feelings. So I told him that I had an appointment with Professor Snape that I forgot about. He seemed to believe my story. I really didn't want to be punished again. So I avoided Harry for awhile. I still talked to Hermione when I found her in the library. But I avoided Harry to the best of my ability without actually seeming like I was avoiding him. Hermione suspected something was wrong, but she didn't ask beyond the first time. I had told her that it was nothing.

I watched Draco with an avid eye. I kept my distance from him as well. But the truth was that I missed him terribly. I hoped that he did not suffer at the hands of his father during his holiday. I wondered if he knew what was going on in the ballroom a few stories below his bedroom that night that we were punished. I hoped not. I hadn't really thought about it until after everyone came back.

Severus was back to his normal self. His display of amusement and understanding after the Pansy incident melted.

I did my work, kept my head high and talked to almost no one.

On an upside, Pansy seemed to spend more of her time in the dormitory. Not that spending time with her was a good thing, but she wasn't with Draco. I hoped that they broke up. She didn't act like it and he was never an affectionate type. On the surface everything was back to normal. Like I had never been here at all.

I watched Draco strive for his grades and doing his Head Boy duties. I spent a lot of time watching him. I was sure that it didn't go unnoticed by him either. I had nothing else to do. I did school work and would sneak out of the castle when I was summoned. Murder and mayhem would ensue but after that it was back to the same humdrum existence.

I knew I was in trouble if I was looking forward to instigating a fight with either Severus or Lucius. That was definitely a sign that things were about to get bad.

Mid January in the dark of night, we apparated to a quaint neighborhood in front of our target's home. Our orders were to kill the inhabitants in this home only. Then we were to leave the Dark Mark above the residence. I didn't ask their identities. I never did. I didn't want to know. It only made it harder to place a name to their face.

It was only Lucius and I who were called for this mission. I had been summoned once last week and asked Voldemort if he had forgiven me. He seemed satisfied that I had asked instead of cowering or ignoring it like his other minions seemed fond of doing. He said that he felt that I had been punished to his pleasure. He was generous enough to bid his permission for Lucius and me to seek our gratification with each other. He said it was our reward for not begging under Cruciatus.

Lucius and I stood side by side dressed in duplicate robes and gloves. Our masks were the only subtle difference. His mask obviously crafted as male and mine was a bit delicate to indicate female. Our wands unsheathed and prepared, we silently entered, closing and locking the door behind us.

I followed Lucius up the stairs stealthily. There were three doors in all. Once was closed and the other two were open. One open room was an unoccupied bedroom. The other was obviously a bathroom since I could see the shower curtain.

We entered the only closed room. We both took our previously agreed upon positions. The couple lay blissfully unaware of our presence. Lucius walked around the bed to the woman's side, his back to a curtained window. I approached the nearer of the two, the man. He had brown hair, graying at the temples and the woman had short curly blond hair.

Lucius drew his dagger and slit the woman's throat before she ever woke or made a sound. Her eyes flew open, but she was unable to make a sound other than the sound of blood bubbling from her neck and the occasional spray of droplets falling on the sheets covering her.

Lucius wiped the bloody dagger on a clean part of the sheet before sheathing it. He stalked around the bed behind me. He cupped my breasts and ground his hardening cock against my backside. I pulled off my mask and lowered the hood of my cloak. I rested my head back onto his shoulder. He pulled his mask off as well and pulled my hair firmly to angle my head, capturing my mouth with his.

His hands released my hair and breast only to gather my robes up to delve a gloved finger in my wetness. I moaned into his mouth and pushed my ass against him harder. He released my mouth and pushed my shoulders down. I rested my hands on the mattress and drew one knee up to the bed next to my imminent victim.

I sunk my teeth into his exposed neck. He startled awake, but I held his head still with one hand. He thrashed groggily and I held his shoulder with my other hand. He must have thought it was merely a dream for I was sure he would have struggled more if he knew it wasn't.

Lucius chose this as the moment to expose my backside completely, laying the extra cloth on the small of my back. He knew the man was growing weaker and penetrated me. The man's warm blood flowing down my throat as Lucius plunged into me hard. His gloved fingers manipulating my clit mercilessly as the man's heart slowed.

I released my mouth from the man who still barely breathed. My hands dug into his shoulder and hair as Lucius' pounding shook the bed. Lucius weaved his hand through my hair at the crown of my head and pulled. At the same time he pinched my swollen clit. I shouted his name as I came. His hips thrust twice more before he spilled his seed inside of my constricting cunt. He grunted, "Fuck," as he finished.

He withdrew his semi-softening cock from me and pulled my dress and robes back down. He tucked himself back inside his pants and robe.

I slashed the man's throat to eliminate any evidence of my teeth marks and to finish him off.

We exited the domicile. Lucius carelessly pointed his wand over his shoulder incanting, "Morsmordre." The Dark Mark glittered in the sky overhead, and in our afterglow of the kill and sex neither of us paid attention to it.

We apparated to the Dark Lord's feet. Lucius kissed the hem of his robes and stood, and then I did likewise.

"The mission was a success?" his eyes assessing both of us. I was thankful that his eyes were back to their previous shade of dark brown as opposed to red.

"It was, My Lord," we both answered.

"Good, you are both dismissed."

We bowed and disapparated to our respective destinations.

The next day went as usual. The only odd occurrence was the absence of Hermione. After dinner I reluctantly approached Harry to ask about her. I walked to the Gryffindor table. Voices hushed as I passed. Harry turned as I walked up beside him. He smiled at me.

"Hey, Harry."

"Hi, Mercy," he said his voice slightly subdued.

"I was wondering if Hermione is alright. I haven't seen her all day."

His features looked stricken as he stood and walked from the Great Hall. I followed him out. He turned to me and said in a hushed voice, "Her parents were murdered last night. The Dark Mark was over their house."

I gasped thinking it couldn't be. Oh, god, please don't let this be happening. The guilt caused the bile to rise in my throat.

"Have you talked to her?"

"I stopped by her room after class. She just sits on her bed, staring out her window."

"Do they know who did it?" I hoped the finger wouldn't point at me, ever.

"No. We only know it was a Death Eater attack."

"Well, I gotta go Harry. Thanks." I was glad we didn't talk about New Years. This was not the time for it.

I turned and walked as fast as I could without drawing attention to myself to my dormitory. I sat on my bed, looking around numb with guilt. I thought of all the lives I've taken and it was for nothing. We were no closer to defeating Voldemort. And my body count was steadily rising. Hermione was my friend, or as much of a friend as circumstances allowed. I caused her this immeasurable pain. I felt filthy. I felt worst about the act enacted over their bodies with Lucius. I had to do something. I was too restless to stay here.

I approached the portrait of a unicorn drinking from a sparkling pond and knocked. The portrait slowly crept open. I stepped back and stepped inside.

She turned and walked back to the window seat. Her eyes looked sunken. Her face tear streaked and the weight of grief was oppressive.

"I just found out, Hermione. I wanted to see if you needed anything."

"My parents back." She turned and looked straight at me. "Sorry, Mercy." She looked away and sighed.

I crept toward her carefully and sat. I pulled her into a comforting embrace. She relaxed into me and sobbed. I rocked her and caressed her hair. I spoke softly after she quieted to slight hiccups.

"Hermione, I feel your pain. I am not just saying that."

"I know, you're Empathic."

"No, it's more than that. My parents were murdered just before I came to Hogwarts."

She pulled away to search my face to confirm the truth of what I said.

"What happened?"

"Five wizards came and m mother handed me Floo powder and sent me to see the Headmaster at Durmstrang. She saved me before going to fight with my father."

"Why?"

"They wanted a power they couldn't have. They were after me, Voldemort sent them."

"Another tragedy caused by the one source," she said softly.

"Hermione, let me ask you something. What would you do to conquer Voldemort?"

"Anything," she answered without thinking twice.

"Would you sell your soul?"

"I don't know, probably."

"Would you sacrifice yourself to save the ones you cared for?"

"I hope I wouldn't have to make that decision. But if it were for the greater good, maybe."

I nodded and she looked at me inquisitively, but said nothing. I stood getting ready to leave.

"Mercy?" I turned and looked at her.

"I know it's probably a lot to ask. But would you come with me to their funeral?" Hope radiated from her and no matter what, I couldn't say no.

"Sure." I answered. She smiled as I quickly left her room.

I would pay my respects and face my crimes and also apologize to the deceased.

"Professor, can I talk to you?" I used his title in case any stray students were about.

"Yes," he leaned his hip on his desk, folding his arms across his chest, and waiting.

"Privately?"

He nodded once and led me to his private chambers, warding the door.

He leaned against the mantle, obviously trying to keep his distance from me. I couldn't read his emotions. Not like I ever really could. Anger and jealousy, any very strong emotion he had a tendency to leak. But right now, nothing.

"What is it?" he asked.

"I need permission to go with Hermione to her parents' funeral."

Shock was evident across his face for a brief moment turning to amusement until he couldn't suppress a short laugh. "Haven't you done enough?"

"What are you talking about?" I was getting angry.

He stared at me, his face now devoid of emotions. "Don't act as if you don't know, Mercedes. Lucius talks."

I paled, which just confirmed Lucius' bragging and Severus' suspicions.

"How ironic, the murderess comforting the orphaned."

"I had no idea," I said through clenched teeth.

"It doesn't matter!" he shouted. "You were the one responsible and the act that followed…No that was during wasn't it? That was repulsive."

I charged toward him, furious. But before I could touch him, his wand was pressed to my throat.

"How dare you. You can not judge me on repulsive acts. You forget, I know about your public rapes, Severus. At least I don't have to force men to fuck me."

He pulled back and slapped me across the face hard, which I knew I deserved. After that comment, yeah, I deserved a slap.

"Your bed had been empty too, I've noticed."

I stepped away, not knowing what else to say. We've pushed each other far enough. After a few minutes of silence I turned to go. He spoke softly, "You put more lives in danger if you go. The Granger's fate was a message to you. You defied a direct order to stay away from them."

I kept my back to him, "No one chooses who my friends are."

"Damnit, Mercy. Don't you see?"

I turned to face him, "What?"

"They are not your friends, Mercy. They never will be. Gryffindors will turn their back on you at the first hint of betrayal. You are not one of them and you will be reminded of that constantly. You will always be on the outside looking in." I had a feeling that his comments meant something more. Something in his past, although what that was, or specifically who, I wasn't going to ask.

"It's not just Gryffindors, Severus. It's everywhere I turn. I only just realized recently that I have no one but myself. I know I don't have them. You needn't remind me. I know that I have nothing. I know I have no one. You know that the only time I feel like I belong anywhere anymore is with Him? I know it is just an illusion too. Isn't that pathetic? I feel even emptier every time I have to leave."

He nodded in understanding

"I give up. I can't do this anymore!"

"This isn't just some job that you can just resign when it's gotten to be too hard. No one ever said atonement would be easy."

I took his words into consideration, although I wouldn't put it past him to try to manipulate me into staying. That way he wouldn't be the only one playing double agent to save our souls. Slytherin is as Slytherin does. Or so I've learned since I arrived.

If our roles were reversed I would have said the same thing to get him to stay. I don't believe that once this is over, given that either of us survives, that there would be hope for us together. We both have said and done so many hurtful things. Mainly out of spite or retaliation of our jealousies. We have crossed that line to many times for any relationship to be salvageable.

Yes, I truly cut my nose of to spite my face where Severus is concerned. It doesn't make it hurt less to realize that. In fact, I believe, it hurts more.

I was so naïve to think that I could just waltz in here, find Voldemort and kill him. Then my vengeance would be complete. I figured that I was immortal and if I died, as long as I took him with me, it was fine by me. I thought by doing that, that was my atonement. I thought of all the lives saved once he was eliminated. That maybe that would balance out what I have done. I actually believed I could do it. I couldn't have been more wrong.

Not only had I been weaker than I thought, he was much much stronger. I didn't preconceive that I would have to join him in order to get close enough to kill him. I didn't contemplate that my personal body count would rise. I had no plans to fall in love with an almost-man. I had made my decision and ended things with Draco. It wasn't his fault for moving on. I really wanted to beat myself over the head for that one.

I would have liked to encounter someone whom I could identify with, but I didn't want it to be now. Severus I think we over identify with each other.

I was always fighting an internal battle between my monster and my humanity. With Draco, my monster was all but eliminated. I was most human with him. Although not nearly as human as I wanted to be. And I wasn't, ironically, strong enough to fight for him either.

With Severus, he is the only one who knows what it is like to essentially be on both sides of the fence. But he has his own demons to face, his own internal struggle. There is no way I could ever expect him to be able to help me fight my demons when he had so many of his own. I don't mean that I wanted to be rescued, but I wanted and needed someone to ground me in my humanity. To give me a reason and to make me want to suppress the monster. Severus tended to make me want to unleash it.

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