Chapter 20

Confessional

After tonight's raid, I came back, showered and changed into my red pajamas. I threw my Slytherin school robe over it and decided to stroll the corridors of Hogwarts. After tonight's kill and another donation from Voldemort I was wide awake and energized.

I wasn't worried about getting caught because my sense of smell and hearing were hypersensitive. I was sure that Severus and the Headmaster were well aware of my nocturnal wanderings. I wasn't interfering or hurting anyone on school grounds, but I needed to burn some of the overload energy off.

I walked past Draco's portrait, not of him but the one leading to his suite. I stopped and turned. By some morbid curiosity I approached the portrait and sniffed the edges. Only Draco's scent lingered. It was evidence that he was alone. Satisfied with my conclusion, I moved on.

I had visited the Trophy Room a few nights ago and decided to head another way. Any new discovery entertained me for a bit. I would have preferred to share this with someone, but everyone in the castle should be asleep. Tomorrow is another school day and I knew I would pay the price for staying up. I would be tired and lethargic, but I couldn't sleep now.

I could sleep after class until time when I would have to wake up and get ready to arrive at the Dark Lord's feet by eleven. He was being more demanding of my attention lately and it made me wonder why. I couldn't blatantly ask, but it seemed like he hasn't been having all his needs met for the last few years. As far as I had known, before I found out the truth, he was incapable of carnal acts. He had few women at his disposal. Bellatrix Lestrange was the only female Death Eater that I was aware of, besides myself.

From what I could tell, Bellatrix was once quite beautiful and completely deadly. Now she remained on the outskirts of the inner circle. She was strictly looked upon as a liability, not an asset. Her personal prerogative was evidently more important to her than Voldemort's wishes and orders. I was baffled as to why she wasn't eliminated yet. I could guess that her relation to a large number of inner circle members was her only saving grace.

Before I knew what was happening, I was shoved forcefully into an empty classroom. My attacker flung what I recognized as an invisibility cloak off and warded the door against entry and sound. He tucked an old rolled parchment into the waistband of his pants. He kept his want out.

"What is going on, Mercy?"

"I couldn't sleep and decided to take a walk. What is wrong with you?"

"I've noticed certain things, Mercy. I want to know what is it you are doing?"

"I don't know what you are talking about, Harry."

"Bollocks. I know for a fact that you leave Hogwarts every night at eleven. You never come into the Great Hall for meals. I know that you come back to Hogwarts an hour or more after you leave. Sometimes you don't come back until almost dawn. I thought we were friends, Mercy. Maybe more. So I want the truth now or I'll go to Dumbledore," he said firmly.

"Go right ahead, Harry, he already knows."

"So then tell me what is going on."

I turned and sat on one of the desks and crossed my legs lotus style. "Have a seat Harry. This is a long tale and for you to understand completely, I need to start from the beginning."

He said nothing but sat on a desk facing me in the same fashion, his wand resting in his lap. He did not realize that I could jump off the desk and snap his neck before he could reach for his wand, aim at me and hex me. I didn't tell him that though, he would have assumed that the honesty of it was a threat.

"I'm waiting," he said. He was no longer the softly smiling Harry of a month prior. This was the wizard that Voldemort had an obsession to kill and has failed repeatedly.

"Right before my seventeenth birthday, I met a man. He was older and charming and charismatic. His name was Michael. I didn't understand why such a man would take such and interest in a shy reclusive girl. But I was flattered and overwhelmed. We met in secret, because he was adamant that my parents wouldn't approve of our relationship because of our age difference. I believed him and went along with it.

It wasn't long after that in which I fell in love with him and I believed he did likewise. So I gave him my virginity after he promised that we would always be together. That after my eighteenth birthday we could go public and get married.

I defied my parents and would sneak to meet him every night I could. The nights I couldn't get away, he would rant and rage when next we met. He told me that he was afraid he would lose me. He was jealous and possessive and it flattered me more that he viewed me like I was a valuable treasure, coveted by all.

Our lovemaking was always rough and he would often bite me. I had nothing in which to compare it to and no one to ask. One time he cut himself at the base of his throat and insisted I drink his blood. I was hesitant and repulsed. He told me that by drinking his blood it would bond us closer. I would have done anything to make him happy, even sacrificing myself, and so I did it.

I drank his blood often from then on. It was only a bit of blood, not much at all. So I figured, what harm is done? I'm making him happy and we did seem bonded tighter. He could read my emotions. I knew he was biting me but I had no idea he was drinking more from me. He was building a tolerance to my magical blood.

One night on the eve of my eighteenth birthday he drained me almost completely. I was lethargic and barely conscious when he offered me his bloody wrist. This time drinking blood did not repulse me. It felt so much different. It was like drinking liquid life. It awakened my body like nothing I ever felt before.

I didn't understand what changed were made, only that I felt many things at once.

We went through the same process two more times that night. When I was full we would make love and he would drain me again. Then as I replaced the blood lost, he would retake it. It was like his body was filtering my blood and adding something new, something else before I got to drink it back.

The very end, he lay next to me lethargic and immensely happy. Like the sexual afterglow. The rest of the changes started and it hurt so much and I was so scared. He held me and soothed me until it was over."

Throughout this tale, Harry's eyes got larger and his mouth hung open by degrees. He stayed silent until now.

"He was a vampire. He made you one. That means you still are…"

"I'm getting to that, Harry. Yes he was and yes he did and yes I am. I was so angry with him when my sense returned, after he escorted me to my first feeding. I was hurt that he would do this to me. That he never told me and gave me the chance to make the choice. I would have done it regardless to make him happy. To be with him forever. But I was angry that I didn't know and didn't have the choice.

He once again soothed me; he convinced me that what he gave was a great gift and a great honor. And we would be together always.

We ran away that night, with only a small note left for my parents that I had fallen in love and ran off to elope. And for them not to worry about me.

We traveled far and wide, feeding and stealing. We would find rest underground for the day. The sunlight would burn us and if exposed for any length of time, would kill us.

Now as far as my magic. My parents fearing for my safety during the first Voldemort rising kept me from attending school. My education was thorough and specialized in potions. My parents were influential and did not deed gainful employment. But both enjoyed potion making and ran the Carpathian Apothecary. My father was a potions professor at Durmstrang and he loved it, but would not let me attend because as I've said, Voldemort was rising.

So when I left with Michael, I had to leave my wand and couldn't do magic so I wouldn't be tracked. Over the years, Michael introduced me to many of the world's treasures. He had a love of art and would tell the most fantastic stories of history. He was very old actually. He was alive when Rome conquered Britain. Things changed slowly that I hadn't noticed a significant change until years later.

I have already said that he was possessive and jealous, but it got more extreme over time and he became more domineering. He controlled everything I did all the time. He told me it was because he wanted to take care of me. He wanted to keep me safe. I believed that for a long time.

By our thirteenth year together I was almost completely disillusioned by him. He could tell which only angered him more. I had received owls from my parents asking how I was and if I could make time to visit them.

I would send letters back with the family owl. I would tell them all we had seen the muggle history I learned from Michael. He thought in the beginning that our communication would assure them that I was well and they wouldn't try to hard to find me. But he changed his mind. With my accounts of the wonders of the world he was afraid they could track us. So he forbid any further communications with them. I agreed with him but continued to do so behind his back. It was difficult but I managed.

We were still hunting and feeding together and I became enamored by a young man. I thought I was careful to not show Michael that I held any fascinations but he would watch me and because of the bond between us, from sire to child, he could tell of my affection.

All the wile I was forbidden to feed from men and my only sexual release was with Michael. Now vampires feed off blood. But it isn't as simple as that. We are sensual creatures and our appetite for blood rivals our appetite for sex. So naturally feeding and fucking go hand in hand. Sex without feeding or feeding without sex is only partially fulfilling. During sex your body releases endorphins into your blood and at your climax the endorphin levels multiply, so a vampire feeding will be satisfied longer ad strengthened more with those types of feeding."

"You didn't… I mean, as far as I know you didn't bite me when we… on New Years."

"No, I didn't."

"Oh, okay." If I didn't know better I'd say that he sounded disappointed. But if I had fed from him I'm sure he would be furious. All in all he was taking the story better than I thought. But nothing of what I've said so far has been personal to him. Not yet. "Go on," he said.

"Okay, now that I explained how a vampire prefers to feed and the fact that without this method entirely will make or keep a vampire weak.

At the time I wasn't fully aware of that but I always felt like something was missing. Michael never allowed me to have intercourse with anyone other than himself. I was able to feed from him during our intimacies and he would feed from me. It was satisfying but it isn't enough. Not between two like creatures.

By only allowing me that and feeding on females without being brought to orgasm, he kept me bound and submissive and dependant on him alone.

When finally I pleaded and argued and demanded that I feed as he was always allowed to do. He denied me, telling me that I was to have none but him. I rebelled one night. He was off fucking and feeding so I left. This was the only time I was allowed to be left alone. I went to the boy who I was infatuated with and I seduced him that night. I fed like I hadn't ever before. By the time I left him, he was dead. I hadn't meant for him to die. I mourned for the loss and then returned to the cavern Michael and I shared.

He immediately knew what I had done. By my act of rebellion, our bond all but broke. I was able to see him in a different light and decided I wanted freedom.

He knew this and shackled me with chains inside our cavern. He was trying to regain my bonds and my obedience. I was beaten, stabbed, raped and broken. He would give me enough blood to heal and he would start again. It became a game to him. The more blood he gave the more warning the he would inflict more damage that time. He gave me enough to sustain me and repair me. He didn't want to kill me. The first fifty to a hundred years a vampire is New Blood and is fragile physically and mentally compared to those who are much older."

"What do you mean by 'broken'?" It was as if he were afraid of the answer. He probably should be.

"I wanted and begged for death. Often. He broke all my ribs, my jaw, my eye socket, most of my fingers and my wrist. He shattered my pelvis during one brutal rape. I was chained and weak and helpless. I would antagonize him further, trying to force him to accidentally kill me and put me out of my misery. He stabbed me and cut the dagger up from my pelvis to my sternum. I watched as my internal organs splattered to the floor, still barely pulsing with my heartbeat. It was the most horrifying experience. I had thought, 'Finally, I can die.' I was relieved when I thought that and blacked out. I woke up later, I don't know how much later, but I woke up thirsty for blood with everything back inside and I was carefully sewn up."

"That's were that scar came from on your stomach."

"Yes, I'm surprised you noticed it. It's so faint now."

"So you survived that, what happened next?"

Retelling the tale brought so many memories flooding back. I could remember phantom feelings of pain, but mostly they didn't seem real any longer. They were just a distant memory. I guess it was how I was able to cope. My brain refused to associate the memory with reality. It was like I relived it or remembered in third person. I was just a voyeur of my own experiences. Disassociation I think it is called.

"Mercy?"

"Sorry, Harry, I was just remembering." I visibly shook myself and continued my tale. I guessed that it was almost four in the morning by now.

"I stopped speaking all together after that. Michael would laugh and taunt me. But I refused to speak. I would feed when he offered and the violence almost ceased. He took my silence as a sign that he succeeded and was finally able to reform the bond. I just did not want another gutting like the last, or worst. And I certainly did not want to survive it.

In my silence I thought and planned. When he left to glutton himself I would experiment with wandless magic. Small things I would try in the beginning. I was unsuccessful and discouraged but I could see no other way out. I had to keep trying.

I was eventually able to perform 'incendio' and get a small flame and extinguish it. The more I tried, the more I focused the bigger the fire. I was so afraid of being discovered I was only able to try a few times a night. When my wandless 'incendio' was large enough and I was able to control it. I worked on alohamora. I had already learned how to focus for the fire so alohamora was easier.

It had been such a long time since I used these spells I could only remember a few. Some of the more complex ones I could remember but I did not want to try any of them without a wand. I felt confident enough in my plan that the next time he fed me I would implement my plan.

Four nights later he fed me. Feeding me weakened him but he was not weak. It only affected him a little bit. So I focused and concentrated as well as I could. He was standing a few feet from me taunting about the great blood he enjoyed that night. I pointed at him aiming all my focus and said, 'Incendio'. I watched as he screamed and cursed and burned. The smell of his burning flesh in the cavern was nauseating, but I forced myself to remain calm and not vomit.

After he fell to the stone floor I hurried and unlocked my chains and fled. I did not want to go near him just in case he wasn't truly dead. This was my only chance and I ran. I ran to the closest village and fed on the sleeping family. I showered and changed into the woman's clothes, stole a few hundred dollars and their car. I had roamed enough with Michael before I was imprisoned and knew the location of the airport.

I did not go home just in case he wasn't truly dead. That would be the first place he went to hunt me down, if he survived. We were in France at the time. I booked an immediate flight in another name to the United States. With the time difference and heading west I could beat the sun, barely. But I had to take the chance. So I arrived in Philadelphia. It was hard being by all by myself but I managed. I moved around a lot, just in case I was being hunted by anyone who knew Michael. He had quite a lot of followers that I had met through the years but none were close, none were sired by him. And none tried to help me for all that time I was his captive.

I fed and stole and used my only two spells I was sure of to get around, cover the evidence and go unnoticed.

After a time I received an owl from my parents. I hadn't received anything nor returned any correspondence for the time I was a prisoner. Their letter was frantic with worry, afraid for the worst and hopeful that I was alright. I decided that night to return home. I was lonely and I was so tired of running. I retuned home with a lot of stops in-between to be careful of the sun and to feed.

I was shocked to see that they looked so much older and I knew it was just because I hadn't aged physically. My parents heard my confession and loved me anyway. My father found an old archaic potion recipe and he made it, teaching me to make it too.

Drinking the potion I was able to eat food again and it suppressed the craving for blood and sex. If I was desperate a pig or cow would be slaughtered.

My mother came up with a charm on a specific stone to enable me movement during the day. I could be in the sun again. The trial for that was scary, but it worked. She waved another complex spell on the stone to suppress my magical leakage. Other witches or wizards could feel the overflow and know something was different about me.

This is the one she made. I had intensely studied everything I could to relearn spells and defense and potions. I was to enter Durmstrang since my father was a professor there. I entered as a sixth year, blending in nicely

I made a friend that year named Rachel. She and I were inseparable. After seventh year started I told her the truth about me. I trusted her. Very shortly after, she decided that she wanted to be young and beautiful forever. She said we could be each others companion. I refused. I told her no I couldn't do it. She grew angry and jealous. She told everyone she could and soon the upperclassmen came after me. I was expelled because parents didn't want my kind around their children. My father was dismissed from his position.

We went home and we though that it was over. Until visitors came to call the next night all wanting me to turn this relative or that lover. I refused all. And that angered them. We received a great number of Howlers after that. Muggles who turn to vampires cannot drink magical blood, it is toxic to them. Michael being strong enough and smart enough to build a resistance or a tolerance for my blood in order to sire me was very rare. Being magical by birth and turning, I am the only one who can drink Magical blood and be empowered by it, not poisoned.

Not long after that time, five Austrian Aurors burst into our home and demanded that my parents turn me over to them. They talked about public safety, but they weren't there for that reason. They had no Ministry paperwork to prove their claim.

My mother and I went into another room because my father told us to go and wait. He did it to protect us from what he knew would be a nasty duel. Once we went upstairs, the noise started of hexes fired and rebounding curses. I feared for my father's safely and told my mother that they should just let me go. She refused, she handed me Floo powder and told me to Floo to the Headmaster of Durmstrang. He was close to my father and would see me protected. She kissed me goodbye and headed back to my father's side.

I did as she told me. The Headmaster told me that if the Aurors did not have the appropriate forms that they worked for another. He told me that an evil wizard was regaining power in the U.K. and that he was most likely behind the crooked Aurors. It was Voldemort again.

He held a conference with Dumbledore and after assuring him that I was smart reliable and harmless, I was sent there. Dumbledore thought I was an asset to the cause. That if I wanted to atone for my prior sins that I was useful. If I failed, he didn't consider me to be a great loss.

I had to complete my seventh year. Learn the material and take my N.E.W.T.S. I was legal to use my wand outside of school grounds because of my actual age, but everyone felt that I needed the lessons in order to function in our world. I was determined to come and fight for the Light. I wanted to avenge my parents' death. I was devastated by their deaths and still am in many ways. I thought I could come here, get close and kill him. Needless to say it hasn't worked out quite that way.

Since the Austrian Ministry wasn't after me and the Aurors were either dead and one is still not coherent, one is. The two left alive were dishonorably discharged from the Aurors and charged with crimes committed in the Ministry's name without cause. I wasn't hunted further on that side.

My arrival was noted by Voldemort and I was watched. He thought he could cultivate me into fighting for his side. That is why he sent the Aurors after me, but this way it would take a bit more time. If the Aurors had taken me to him, I would have either died or been forced to serve him. I thought I could come in, kill him like I killed Michael and it would be over.

I wanted to repent for my sins while with Michael. I wanted to eradicate the world of him. I thought it would balance the scales from the deaths I caused to the lives saved.

Dumbledore watched carefully. I was supposed to be undercover and not announce what I was. I wouldn't be able to help the Light if I was expelled from Hogwarts. If it did come out, Dumbledore wouldn't be able to prevent my expulsion."

By now it was close to six and Harry looked tired and so was I. "Maybe we should continue this another time."

"No, I want to hear the rest."

"Well, I got involved with Draco. Then I was introduced to Lucius. Shortly after my faux pas at Malfoy Manor I was invited by the Dark Lord to join his ranks as his second. I refused at first and I realized that he was much more powerful than I ever thought. I bargained with him and accepted. This was still under the guidance of Dumbledore and Snape. I could only play the part and return information.

"What faux pas?"

"Oh, I had a severe run in with Lucius and he won. I would rather not talk about that. It is much more fresh in my memory than what I lived through with Michael." He nodded his assent that I would not have to go into detail about that night.

"I knew I was trapped. He would have no qualms about killing me and I can not harm him directly. I became a Death Eater and have passed information along to Dumbledore."

"You're a Death Eater! I had sex with a vampire. Not only that but a Death Eater?" The information was just sinking in and he had the normal reaction now. He had a harder time with the fact that I was a Death Eater than with my revelation of being a bloodsucker. "I've been your friend. Seamus, what happened? Was that you?" He asked accusatory, but I really couldn't blame him.

I paused for a moment. Telling him would push him away. I was taking a chance again. But Harry was supposed to be on the side of Light. Were second chances were possible.

"Mercy, was that you?" he voice was hushed, like he was determined to know but didn't really want the answer either.

"That was my initiation. I really didn't want to. He, Voldemort, said that he would die no matter what. His parents were already dead. If I didn't, they would torture him and he would die slow. And I would die too for disobedience. I wouldn't be able to avenge my parents. So I did it. I killed him quickly and painlessly and I was marked through a blood ritual.

I found out after who it was. I learned that from the ritual I can only communicate to Dumbledore through…." I realized that I was able to tell Harry without choking on my own blood. Why?

"I wasn't supposed to be able to talk about this to anyone."

"So you could only talk about it with Snape and now obviously me?"

"Severus doesn't know my whole story. Anything related to Death Eaters I was bound during the blood ritual to not be able to reveal anything of them with anyone other than Death Eaters or Voldemort. I don't understand."

Harry moved his fringe back, exposing his lightning shaped scar on his forehead. "I think it's this. I share a link with Voldemort. That is probably why."

"So now that you know everything, what now?"

"I don't know. I can't trust you anymore. The vampire thing I can handle, since you had enough control not to bite me. You killed Seamus!" he shouted. Tears lined his face and he angrily brushed them away. He obviously wanted to move on. It was possible that he would eventually see that I had no choice and that his friend would have died no matter what my choice was. "It's good that you are spying and all. But you are still a Death Eater. The blood ritual, you drank from Voldemort, right?"

I nodded, not really able to look at him. "You are bound to him like you were bound to Michael?"

"No, that was different. But yes I am bound to him by this," I turned and showed him the brand. He didn't ask anything about it being different. I guess he was sort of shell shocked right now. I ached that he said he couldn't trust me. But I really couldn't blame him either. It felt like another nail in my coffin. "Will you expose me?" That is what I asked but the real question I wanted to ask was will he push me away? Would he, along with what Severus has already made clear, and what Draco said with his actions instead of words. That I was unwanted here? That I was unloved, uncared for? Unprotected? Would I have to join Voldemort in truth to find a place I belonged? A place where I was wanted and valued? No, not loved, but if I couldn't have love I would regretfully trade that unpredictable emotion for belonging.

"No, I won't tell. But I don't think we can be friends anymore. I want you to stay away from Hermione too. Speaking of Hermione, was that you too? Did you murder her parents?"

"No, it wasn't me. I was as shocked as everyone else after you told me." I was lying. I knew that if that bit of truth came out, he would tell. I would be exposed. I would be hunted.

"Since you confessed to Seamus I guess I'll believe you. But I swear if I find out later that you did it and then lied about it, I'll kill you myself. And you'll get your wish for death."

"I understand."

He got up and stretched his stiff muscles. He turned and unwarded the door. He turned to face me again, "I'm not bluffing, Mercedes. Stay away from the friends I have left or I'll kill you." I knew he was completely serious the first time he said it. And he was scary in his own right at this moment. Hardly anyone called me by my first name. If they did I was always in trouble.

"I understand, Harry. I understand."

"Good." Then he was gone.

I went to bed as everyone stirred. They had a full day of lessons. I decided to make the best of it and showered again to wake myself up and headed for class.

It felt good to tell my story somehow. But telling it just got me pushed further out of friendship. It was as if I was outside looking in. Severus was damn accurate on that point. My last remaining friends here and I wasn't allowed near them anymore. That was one thing Harry and Voldemort agreed upon. Sure there were other people in Hogwarts. There were other girls in Slytherin that I could befriend. But it wasn't worth it only to be pushed away again. I am actually shocked that I have any pieces of my heart left because every time I turn around lately, it's being broken.

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