Chapter 21
Leave Me to Bleed - Erasure
It wasn't me who saw you standing by the neon lit door
It wasn't me who saw you clinging to somebody I deplore
Baby, don't show your face
Don't move in my direction
Leave me to bleed
Your love, love can be fatal
Leave Me to Bleed
It wasn't me that heard you whisper a name I've never heard before
It wasn't me that heard you steal out by the secret door
I've been suspecting
I've done my own detecting
Leave me to bleed
Your love, love can be fatal
Leave me to bleed
It wasn't me that saw you pick up a letter fallen on the floor
It wasn't me that heard you say you couldn't love me anymore
There's no mistaking I guess I've just been waiting
Leave me to bleed
Your love, love can be fatal
Leave me to bleed
Since my confessional to Harry, I was indeed outside the glass looking in. The good news was that he hadn't told anyone. I avoided the library as much as possible, so I didn't have to confront Hermione about why I avoided her now as well.
I kept my nose in a book mostly. I was either reading the material for class or I was reading for pleasure. Pleasure reading was my only escape from reality now. Long days followed long nights following longer days. I was fairly content with how my nights were. I spent them on raids, revels and release. I was stronger now than I had ever been before. The combination of two kills a week at minimum and supplementing with the powerful blood of Voldemort's, I had become a force to be reconed with. It made my days almost worth it.
I still ached for Draco. I had only meant for us to break up for the short time that it would be until the war was over. I had originally planned on our reunion when the smoke cleared. I had promised him that in a few years I would happily sire him. I had no intention of giving him up during that time. I just wouldn't change him yet. That plan backfired, painfully.
Without his link to my human self and without the compassionate link I had with Harry and Hermione I was lost. After my initiation, Severus didn't and couldn't look at me the same.
I had seen a softer side of him before I was officially made a Death Eater. Granted he was constantly his snarky intimidating self, but our liaisons opened me up to his multiple dimensions. That side just wasn't as abrasive or jagged as his public self. I believe that after witnessing my initiation and subsequently my wanton behavior with Lucius, he couldn't handle it. To see that was I was as dark if not more so than himself. He seen in me all the things he abhorred in himself.
I did not desire love from Harry or Hermione. I desired friendship. Those who would or could be there for comfort when love turned you away. That's what friendship meant to me. It should be a safe haven from the cruelties of the world. When you needed defending or rescuing even from yourself. They would be there. Friends should be protectors of you and fighters for you.
I haven't had that kind of friendship in my entire existence. I've had echoes of parts of it, but never had I had the true and full extent of it. So, because of what I've done, because I confessed, because I desired that kind of acceptance so whole heartedly. I opened myself up and found myself cast out once more.
I received an owl, demanding a meeting after class with Severus. These meetings were never good. So after charms I headed for the dungeons with the rest of Slytherins. I knocked on Snape's closed office door.
"Enter," he commanded.
I opened the door in student mode, "You requested to speak with me, sir?"
"Sit," he demanded. And so I obeyed. He flicked his wand toward the door warding with the usual locking and soundproofing charms.
"What have you discovered?"
"Nothing yet."
"You mean to tell me that you have been a Death Eater since the beginning of December, and have no information? You have been with him every night for the last month and a half and you have nothing?"
"Yes, that's the gist of it," I said boredly.
"I do not believe you."
"Believe what you will, Severus."
"Are you a Death Eater or a spy?"
"I am both, Severus."
"Without brining information, you are no spy for our side."
"Our side, Severus? I am on my side, not yours, not Dumbledore's and not the Dark Lord's."
"I thought you came here with the intention of siding with the Light. I thought you wanted to atone."
"I did, but recently certain developments have occurred. Now the only one I look out for is me. My survival has become my number one priority. Not some trumped up cause. I have recently been enlightened."
Severus sat back in his chair, absorbing my words. I sat back as well, leaning the wooden chair back on it's rear legs and put my feet up on Severus' desk crossed my ankles and waited. He looked at my offending boots and looked at me, but didn't say anything. Odd.
"I can read between the lines, Mercedes. I know your underlying meaning. It is evident to me where and with whom you truly stand beside in the war to come. You are dismissed."
I dropped my feet and the chair with a loud bang and stood. "I guess we understand on another now."
"No, I do not understand you, Mercy. I pity you. Leave now."
I turned with a flourish of robes that would make the bat proud and left.
After the meeting with Mercy, Severus stood and headed toward Dumbledore's office at the brisk pace. Severus was more than concerned and more than worried. He was much closer to frantic as the ascended the staircase two steps at a time.
"What has happened, Severus?" Albus had rarely seen his pupil, his Potions Master in quite a state before.
"Albus, she's turned. I have no doubt that she is his in truth."
Albus' eyes lost their perpetual twinkle as the full weight of Severus' revelation assailed him.
"What do you suggest we do now?"
Severus sat in the plush armchair heavily, "Whatever it is, we must act quickly. She may have already revealed my duplicity or soon will. Then my life is forfeit."
"Do you truly believe that she is committed to Tom? Or has she been pushed to it? Has she received what she desired most from our side, or does she believe she is unable to receive it and has turned to Tom. Therefore settling for what he offers?"
"Damnit, old man. What are you talking about? Stop speaking in riddles. You seem to know much more than you tell me. My life is at stake right now. Tell me what I need to know. And furthermore, someone should not be bribed to repent for their sins. Atonement only works by sacrifice."
Albus nodded once and popped a lemon drop in his mouth. He was concerned but not concerned enough for Severus.
Severus shook his head and leaned forward elbows on knees cradling his head in his hands. In all the years Severus has dealt with the Headmaster, he should be used to his sense of whimsy by now. His life being in jeopardy did not diminish that.
"Alright, Severus. You are right. I apologize for that. I'll come clean with what I know so far. Our Miss Xavier is such a moody witch; you never can tell what she will do next. I have been working with Mr. Potter on his Occlumency and have been enlightened by a few things unknown by you, Tom and until recently, myself.
Did you know that not all creatures' motivation for their actions is for the gain of power or greed of material possessions, or for the driving force of vengeance? Or even for the sake of guilt?"
"Albus, please make your point before I either have a coronary or fall asleep."
"My point is, Severus, that during my last session with Mr. Potter I learned a great deal more about our enigma. We have only been privy to so little of this information until now."
"Albus…" Severus' tone was warning that he was close to exploding.
"Miss Xavier confessed her whole tale to Mr. Potter, excluding only few details of information, not much. Mr. Potter's reaction I believe was the final straw. And he knows it."
"So the Boy Who Lived to Do No Wrong has had a secret affair with our resident Death Eater?"
"No, not entirely at any rate. She told Harry simply because she doesn't love him. I believe that she does care and won't stop caring about who she chose as her friends."
"So that's it? That's your evidence that she is safe, because she told Potter?" Severus laughed manically.
"No, but I believe that she enjoys tormenting you."
"I don't believe you Albus. She is not doing it to just get a rise out of me."
"No, but she has had a few opportunities in the past to strike out and maim if not kill him. She did not take those chances."
"How long ago? Because I just saw her. This…she is completely different."
"Is she truly different or is your perception only altered?"
"No, she is different."
"That may be the case. As long as she doesn't harm anyone on school grounds I can not expel her. We will have to make do and have her watched closely. I'll have the ghosts and portraits alerted and they will monitor her activity within these walls."
Severus had no choice but to let the matter rest, for now. Severus still wasn't comfortable about it. He was almost positive that if the war broke out tomorrow that Mercedes Xavier would stand by the Dark Lord's side and slaughter a large quantity of her classmates.
It was the middle of March when my brand burned painfully. It was only nine thirty and I could guess that it must be urgent. I stripped off my uniform and dressed in my purple gown and grabbed my box with my Death Eater garb and rushed to the gates. I apparated immediately and knelt down and bowed as the usual protocol.
I hadn't been able to braid my hair and I didn't want to waste time since the trek from the dungeons to the gates took enough. I did not want to be late.
I waited patiently for Voldemort to address me and bid me to rise. Then I caught the scent rolling over me from the Dark Lord only a few paces away. It was rage. I hadn't done anything recently that would inspire such emotion.
So I waited and he circled me slowly. Waiting was excruciating because I wasn't sure, didn't know what I had done so terribly wrong.
Then he struck. He pulled my hair painfully back, forcing my eyes to meet his enflamed red ones It slipped out of my mouth before I could reign it in, "What have I done to displease you so, My Lord?"
"That's interesting. You don't know. Or are there so many acts of treason that you can not choose between to confess?"
"I…don't…understand." I stuttered. He shoved me away so I was sprawled on the floor.
"Crucio," he screamed and extended all his rage into the curse. The pain overwhelmed me and engulfed me that I felt my blood boil and my body convulsed until darkness swallowed me.
Awareness came slowly, like trying to grasp wisps of fog. When my feeling returned to my body I recognized from the strain in my arms and the cold iron around my wrists. I was shackled with my arms spread and raised and my feet touching the floor. I had spent a considerable amount of time in this same position or very nearly. I felt the shift of air caress my skin and I knew I was naked.
When my vision returned, I saw Lucius off to the side, watching. His eyes were predatory, but his face was blank. He nodded once behind me. Signaling to my punisher that I was once more aware and torment could commence.
I remained silent as the entered my line of vision. "You have been a very bad little vampire." Still I said nothing, waiting. "Do you know what this is, pet?" He gestured to the object curled in his hand.
"A bull whip, My Lord."
"Yes it is. You see, rifling through your mind I found bits of information I had not seen before."
I wondered when he had entered my mind and how much information he found.
"Your Maker used this same equipment, yes?"
"He did, My Lord."
"Now, we both know how that ended. This shall be a test for you, pet. You are to stay in these shackles until I release you. If you try to escape, you will make me angrier than I already am."
"I do not wish to anger you, My Lord."
"But you have, pet. You already have."
"Let me know what my transgression was and I will rectify it."
"During Potter's training sessions with Dumbledore, he has suppressed a memory so far in the recesses of his mind. Suppressing it in the manner in which he has tried, opened a backdoor he is unaware of."
I knew horror flickered behind my eyes. "Yes. That memory. Discovering a similar memory in your mind confirmed that is was in fact real and not merely a fantasy." He glided closer to me, reaching out his hand to trace the faint scar down my midsection, "This scar confirmed my suspicion. You memory was only extra proof." He grasped my chin firmly for my eyes to meet his, "What have you to say for yourself, my pet, my consort, my Death Eater!"
"I thought I could get closer to him for you, My Lord."
"I believe you got close enough, don't you? And had you done it for me, I would have been aware of it. If I wanted you to do it, I would have ordered it. Crucio!"
He didn't hold the curse as long as the first time, but it was long enough. My legs buckled beneath me, my wrists painfully held my weight and my shoulders strained with the stretch. I shakily stood once more, relieving my arms, but shudders of the after effects of the curse coursed through me.
"Now, what was your agenda, my pet?"
"None, My Lord. I had no ulterior motives. It just happened just that once. It was not worth your wrath."
"That I believe. Since it was just once, and you did regret it before I ever knew. Also since you have been so loyal since it occurred, I won't kill you, pet. But you may wish I did."
"I am fortunate, My Lord. I will accept what punishment you rightly give for which I deserve."
"So eloquent, my pet. Isn't she, Lucius?" I had forgotten that Lucius was still there.
"Yes, My Lord, she usually is."
"Your honeyed forked tongue always amuses me, pet. It is your way of placating me, and I must admit, it endears you to me."
"I am happy when you are, My Lord."
He backed away a few paces unraveling the leather whip. "Spread your legs, pet." I did as he commanded a bit further than shoulder width apart. It would help brace me for the upcoming impact. He lengthened the chains enough for the difference in height and I wrapped my hands on the chains above my wrists. I knew what was to come would hurt.
"Done this before, have you?" Lucius asked me. I did not answer him.
"Silence Lucius. You are here because I allow it."
"Of course, My Lord."
Voldemort looked into my eyes, his still burned with anger and he snapped his wrist. I felt rather than seen the tail slice across my chest. I could smell the blood and did not look away from his eyes as he brought it down once more, twice more. He seemed satisfied with the amount of blood dripping down my things. He moved behind me. Not knowing when a blow would come made my skin hypersensitive. I heard the crack and felt the sting as few seconds later. He continued to bring it down in quick succession, neither giving me time for breath nor for my muscles to relax from the constant arch my body formed. I hadn't screamed yet, the pain was beyond it at the moment or the pain hadn't completely registered yet. Gasps of breath were all I was capable of.
He paused and the silence filled the room, deafening. The cracks of the whip had filled the area just a moment ago made the silence more noticeable. There was a shift of movement and I felt his bare chest mould to my bloody back. I whimpered softly when he moved my hair over my shoulder, exposing my back further.
"Spread your legs further, pet."
I silently complied; he reached around and inserted two fingers into me. "Do you like this, pet?'
"Pleasing you pleases me, My Lord."
"It feels like it pleases you a bit more than I want you pleased." He scissored his fingers and from the sound it was evident that I was wet. I always did tread that fine line between pleasure and pain. It was as a result of my earliest lessons from Michael.
"Potter was here, inside. He was here that I have been countless times after. This," he shoved his fingers in brutally, "is not something I wished to have in common with Harry" he shoved in again, "Bloody," he repeated he action, "Potter." He shoved once more and withdrew.
"Did you enjoy it? Was it worth it?"
"No, My Lord," I breathed.
"I didn't think so," He moved back a fraction and swiped his hand down my bloody back. I didn't know what he was doing or what he planned until I felt his head, slick with my blood, prod my rear entrance. He pulled my hips back and forced himself inside. As he fucked I felt no pleasure, only pain as he carelessly ripped the sensitive tissue. He came quickly and released me. "Lucius, I want you to find something to keep her wounds open longer." I kept my head bowed.
"I have made you stronger than I realized, pet. Your wounds are healing already." Lucius disappeared and came back fifteen minutes later, carrying a large bucket of some sloshing liquid. He set if down some feet behind me. I couldn't tell what happened but I guessed that Voldemort dipped a large portion of the tail end of the whip into the unknown substance.
"This, pet, is a concoction of various extracts of plants with an added ingredient. I won't tell you what exactly it is, but I will tell you it is an alkaloid. It is highly potent and acidic." I visibly shuddered once as his revelation seeped into my foggy brain.
"It will work on you exactly as acid would. It will keep you wounds open, preventing healing and it will eat slowly away at the regenerating flesh."
I had no idea how long he planned this. It was possible that the original intention was when the Aurors were supposed to bring me to him, used to persuade me to join him. He really was demented. But Deity forbid I say anything of the sort now.
The next lash came like all the others but as the mysterious liquid seeped into my skin, it tingled and then I felt it burn. A few more lashed and the tingling became apparent that it was the bubbling I felt. I was feeling it eat away at the flesh trying in vain to heal. This time I cried, tears of blood streaking down my face falling from my cheeks to splatter on the floor.
He continued relentlessly as I sobbed and mumbled incoherently. The pain was so intense that I vomited the remaining of my last meal from the previous night. When he finally ceased, I knew my back, bottom and thighs were a bloody blistering bubbling mess.
He came back into my line of sight and stood in front of me, avoiding the small puddle of bloody vomit. He pulled his wand out and I flinched. He uttered, "Non Gradatio. Castitas pudicita." I had no idea what it was, but I could bet that it wasn't good. "Lucius see her to the gates of Hogwarts and don't forget to redress her." I looked up in time to see Lucius bow and Voldemort disapparate.
Lucius approached me and flicked his wand at the puddle at his feet in order to get closer. He reached his hand to fondle my breast, still covered in blood. "That is a nice look for you. Bound in chains, bloody and submissive."
"Fuck off, Lucius."
"Evidently not submissive enough." His hand reached down to my groin, but I felt nothing. His eyes widened in surprise and a wicked smile spread across his face. "Interesting," was all he said. He released the grip of the shackles letting me fall to my knees and redressed me. The fabric of my clothing, so soft before, was now abrasive and intensified the pain I was already in.
I don't ever recall being in this much pain before. I may have been, but right now my skin was my enemy and the pain was excruciating. Lucius picked me up by my upper arms and we disapparated. When I opened my eyes, I was looking at the enormous gates leading to Hogwarts. Lucius released me roughly, closer to shoving me away from him. With a pop he was gone.
The pain making me dizzy and I stumbled and fell. The wind was cold and the gravel path bruised my hands and knees. I crawled slowly, each movement using muscles in my back. Their bunching and flexing with the effort to move forward abraded on my clothing. Any movement brought forth a moan or whimper of pain for each inch gained.
The path was so long, I was positive that I would never make it. I collapsed to the rocky gravel and lay my cheek on the rough stones. Blackness enveloped me just after I witnessed the snow begin to fall.
Non Gradatio – no climax
Castitas pudicita – feminine chastity
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