Chapter 23

Killing Me Softly

When I woke up and opened my eyes, the bright light from the sun streaming in from the windows and the whiteness of the sheet and curtain blinded me. The last thing I remember is lying on the gravel, seemingly miles from Hogwarts and watching snow begin to fall. Few select voices I barely remembered and not much else. Pain I remembered though. Whatever happened, whoever brought me here and whoever healed me, I was grateful.

I rolled over to my back and just realized I was naked. I wondered if my dress was salvaged. I pulled the utilitarian sheet and blanket up further in hopes to remain somewhat modest.

Madame Pomfrey bustled over, my movement must have alerted her, "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine I guess," I said in a hoarse voice.

"Are you thirsty?"

I wondered if this was a trick question. I wanted to answer, 'Yeah, mind opening a vein? It doesn't have to be a big one'. "Yes I am," I answered instead.

Madame Pomfrey nodded and walked away, returning with a bag of blood. Seeming unsure of what to do with it she finally asked, "Do you want a glass?"

"No, thank you. It's fine." I held my hand out and sat up using my other hand to hold the bedclothes in place. "Would you, I mean could you warm it? I would but I don't have my wand."

"Certainly," she waved her wand and I felt the cold liquid warm instantly. I brought it to my mouth, suddenly embarrassed with the mediwitch watching so intently. "Go on. I need to examine you once you're done."

I closed my eyes, feeling insecure and punctured the bag, drinking the small amount of blood it offered. I handed the bag back to her, not yet opening my eyes.

"Lean forward so I can take a look." I did as requested and felt her warm fingers as she pulled the tape and bandage away. "I'm afraid that they are still open, but they aren't bleeding any longer. I'm going to redress them and then you can go. You should come in here twice a day until they close up so I can put fresh dressing on them."

"Thank you, Madame Pomfrey."

"I had your clothes sent up for you to change into. Your gown was ruined. Even spells couldn't fix all the damage." She spread new gauze and secured it she spoke, "I need to inform you that a chastity spell was placed on you. A very strong one."

"Oh," was all I said, absorbing the full extent of her words.

"Lay on your chest so I can change the dressing on your lower half."

I complied in silence.

"All finished, you can go when you're ready."

I nodded and got up to get dressed carefully. The lashes still hurt and until I made my next kill or the Dark Lord deigned to feed me they would be open and painful. Either may be a long time coming. If I fed today the wounds would close leaving thin pink lines. The longer it took the scars would be thicker and more red as opposed to light pink. Over the years the scars would lighten, but they would eternally be reminders of last night.

That made me angry. One stupid choice and I would be scared for the rest of my life. The idea of a strong chastity spell bugged me. I wouldn't be allowed any form of release unless the Dark Lord approved and removed it. I knew enough that the impact of the spell would be a heavy cross to bear. I typically had to have one self induced orgasm per day. More made me happier, but having none for an indeterminate amount of time would make me very grumpy. I dreaded the consequences.

The clothes brought up for me were my boots, black jeans, Draco's confiscated green silk button down shirt, socks and panties. My wand was in the bundle as well. The jeans would probably chafe my bandages but it was better than nothing. I usually didn't wear panties, but with jeans I always did. I finished getting dressed and quickly left the Infirmary.

I didn't know where to go. I still had to avoid Hermione and Harry so that eliminated the Library and Quidditch Pitch. I wanted to avoid any Slytherins so that ruled out the common room and dungeons in general. As I walked down the corridors I realized that classes were in session and remembered it was a weekday. That meant I could go almost anywhere. All students would be attending lessons.

So I backtracked and went to the library. I hoped to sneak into the Restricted Section and learn what chastity charm was used and how to circumvent it. When I entered, Madame Pince was nowhere in sight. I quickly made a beeline to the gate of the Restricted Section. It was open as it normally is during the day so the librarian didn't have to stop what she was doing in order to open it for permitted students. The thought of loosing house points was usually enough of a deterrent for wandering students.

I pulled a few books that I guessed were relevant to my search and sat on the floor facing the entrance of the isle. I pulled books primarily on marriage and scanned each index. Two of the three books had sections devoted to ensure a faithful bride and subsections on what to do to the unfaithful. Noticing that there were no sections in any of the old volumes to keep husbands faithful, I selected a page.

I sat and read, hoping to come across the incantation Voldemort used. The most difficult was trying to remember what he said. I only really remembered a small bit of the phrase. I thought of using a pensive but I did not have access to one and I did not want to relive or witness the memory, ever.

There were quite a lot of variations of chastity spells and celibacy hexes and harsh consequences if breached or attempted to breach. The definite answer I came up with was since the spell was cast on me, I couldn't attempt the counter spell. I liked my bits to much to chance it.

I smelled a faint aroma of coconut and light musk and looked up. Hermione stood at the entrance of the isle and was trying to read the titles of the books I was searching through.

"Hi," I said.

"Hi," she returned. "How are you feeling?"

I didn't know if she was aware of what transpired or how she knew, but by her look of concern I guessed that she did. "Better, but not completely."

She nodded, "Getting married?" She was trying to lighten the mood as well as inadvertently asking what I was doing.

"How much do you know already?"

"Everything Harry knows, I suppose."

"Did he tell you that I can't talk about it?"

"Yes, he covered that this morning. We went to my room and he told me. We didn't have to go to class today since we helped in the Infirmary last night."

That confirmed how much she knew about the previous night and my injuries. "Is anyone out there?" I gestured to the main library.

"No, it's empty."

I extended the book in my lap to show her what exactly I was reading. The spell sounded about right. Voldemort had of course made it more complicated but the basics were the same. She walked over and sat beside me, leaning over to get a closer look at the book in my lap. She read the paragraphs quickly and looked up at me, her eyes astonished. She leaned back and pointed to me questioning without words that it was on me. I nodded solemnly.

We sat quietly but were disturbed in our silent contemplation by Harry storming in the isle. Upon our discovery he swiftly pulled out his wand and aimed it at me, "What did I tell you?" He glanced to Hermione, "Get away from her, Hermione. All I told you this morning and you still trust her enough to be back here and alone with her?"

Hermione stood, not in compliance with her friend's demand, but to stand at equal height. "What's wrong with you, Harry? After last night, doesn't that make a difference?"

"No," he hissed coldly. He still stared down at me hatefully with his wand trained and steady. Under previous circumstances I would have stood up to him and challenged him. But not now. I didn't have the energy or will to fight anymore.

"Harry, calm down."

"I told her to stay away from you, from the friends I have left. We had an understanding, didn't we, Mercy?"

I nodded and looked away defeated, tears brimming in my eyes.

"I came back here and found her. I sat with her. She didn't seek me out, Harry. It's not her fault."

"Maybe," he looked skeptical.

Hermione turned to look at me, to see if I would defend myself, but I didn't. It was no use and pointless. I did not want to come between their friendship. I would not be the cause of destroying something I wanted for myself. "Go ahead, Hermione. It's not worth it. I don't want to come between you and your friends."

"I thought we were all becoming friends," she said directed at Harry.

"That was before I knew what she was. Before I knew who she served so obediently that I have one less friend because of her."

"What's got Potter's knickers in such a twist," Draco entered the isle to instigate a fight with his archenemies. "Oh, a love spat with Granger." He hadn't noticed me yet because Harry's back was facing him and blocking me from Draco's sight. He could see Hermione because she stood off to the side of me and was standing.

Harry swiveled around with his wand still pointed at me, but he faced Draco. Harry didn't trust me enough to lower his wand but turning his attention away from a known vampire wasn't bright. This boy had so much yet to learn. He would never defeat the Dark Lord with his carelessness.

There are more and more opportunities that he presents me that I could easily snap his neck. No wand. No magic. Just speed, strength, snap, dead.

Draco's eyes traveled malevolently from Harry's face down his arm to his wand and what he aimed at. He nodded once in acknowledgement to me, "Xavier."

I felt my heart constrict, I was no longer deigned worthy of my given name. Once upon a time we only uttered the first syllables of each others name in our intimate moments. I was reduced to meaning nothing to him. It hurt so much because he meant the world to me.

"Draco," I wouldn't address him as informally as his address to me, reminding him that he still mattered to me.

"Carry on," Draco turned and walked away. He usually couldn't wait to come to blows with Harry or any Gryffindors for the simplest reasons, but now he wouldn't for me. Not this time, and most likely never in the future. I wasn't worth it to him.

"Come on, Harry," Hermione pulled him by the arm. "I'll see you later, Mercy." It was a promise. I could see sympathy in her eyes. I didn't want pity, but sympathy at this point was an emotion I could handle. I would rather that than hatred.

I carefully avoided all populated areas for the remainder of the day. This was a turning point for me. I wanted the destruction of Voldemort now. Not for the Order, not for Harry, not for the illusion of redemption, but for myself. I did not want a master. I did not want to serve or abase myself to anyone. I reevaluated one goal I had come here with. Freedom. Freedom for the only person I could depend on, for the only one that was guaranteed to have for an eternity, me.

I would devise a plan, it may take years, but I would do it. I am forced to serve and obey someone I had no choice in serving from the beginning. It was inevitable that I would become his servant; he would have hunted me down until I submitted whether I came here or not. In coming here, I just made myself an easier target and gave him access. The only alternative I had was to submit easily or draw it out in time and torture.

I wasn't sure if I should still keep my appointment of going to him at eleven tonight. I didn't know whether to wait until he summoned me. I did not know if he would want me in his presence. The question was answered when my brand burned hotly at a quarter till eleven.

I carried my tiny box with my Death Eater paraphernalia inside, grabbed my cloak and broom and headed outside. Once outside I hopped on my broom and flew to the gates. Unsure of what awaited me, my broom may be necessary upon my return. I leaned the broom against the gate and disapparated.

I fell to my knees swiftly and abased myself before him. I kept my forehead on the cold marble waiting to be addressed.

"I am surprised to see you, pet."

"You summoned, My Lord, and I obey." I said keeping my position. He would tell me when I was permitted to rise.

"You are not wearing your robes, pet." I never arrived wearing them anyway. I wasn't always sure of what errand I would be tending to once I apparated. But I would not say 'I never wear them when I arrive, My Lord.'

"I was unsure if I was worthy to wear them, My Lord," I said instead.

"Hmm," he seemed pleased by my response. "I thought you may have betrayed me further by not answering my summons or even worse, decided to side with your lover."

"Never, My Lord. Once does not a lover make. My loyalty remains with you, My Lord."

"Two 'My Lord's' with a bit of impertinence spiced in. Careful pet."

"Not impertinence, My Lord. Just the truth."

"I accept that as being true. Your punishment is not over from that transgression."

"I understand, My Lord."

"I rather like that position you are in. In all future associations you will assume that position, until I say otherwise."

"I do as you bid, My Lord."

"I will use you for whatever purposes I see fit."

"You have always had that, My Lord."

He moved a few paces away from me. It was obvious that he was finished speaking with me. Considering my fortune of pleasing him enough thereby avoiding a dreaded 'Crucio' I breathed a silent sigh of relief.

"Severus. Come forward," From the sounds of material and soft foot falls I knew Severus approached.

"Yes, My Lord?"

"I have discovered some information about you," the pause was given. I felt Severus tense minutely, waiting for his duplicity to be revealed and his execution. "You shall receive your due tonight." Severus didn't move even to breathe. His emotions were bottled so tightly that I couldn't feel the slightest tremor.

"I have witnessed some events in my errant pet's mind. You were once lovers?" It was not really a question.

"Yes, My Lord." Severus was staying calm and not offering more information.

"You obediently ceased all relations when ordered."

"Yes, My Lord."

"You even resisited after she begged."

"Yes, My Lord."

"You have not touched her since, except the time when she was reprimanded and needed help returning to Hogwarts."

"That is correct, My Lord."

"I offer my most faithful and obedient servant a boon. My unfaithful pet shall service you."

My stomach flipped. I could only guess what he meant by 'service'. I would have happily obliged in private, but I would…we would have an audience. If this was only and Inner Circle summons then the audience was eleven in number. Severus and I made the final members of the Inner Circle to the unholy number thirteen.

"As you wish, My Lord," he said.

"Pet. Crawl to Severus and kneel before him." I rose to crawl over to him with my head down. When I recognized his scent and his shoes I rose up further, waiting for instruction. "Severus is your better. He is your example to follow. He waits for his reward instead of taking it. Pleasure him as he deserves. Expect the only pleasure you receive in return is to please him and obey me."

I only looked forward. I did not dare look up into his eyes, afraid of what I would find in their depths. Without another word, I unfastened his pants, leaving them on his hips. He did not need to flash the room. He did not deserve it. I reached in and gently pulled his flaccid cock out. I readjusted my position so I was closer, my knees touching his black shiny shoes. I placed him in my mouth after I kissed the glands reverently. His hand touched the top of my head more for balance then appreciation of a lover's gift. I sucked gently, feeling him grow, feeling the blood engorge him. I licked and swirled and hummed as I would do to him in private. I closed my eyes, enjoying the feel and smell of him in my mouth once more. I wrapped my hand around the base of his shaft and inserted the other in his pants to fondle his testies. I used the tips of my fingers to massage just behind them, feeling hardness there that was the internal organ.

"Careful of her teeth, Severus," Voldemort shattered the fantasy that we were alone. The gathered crowd chuckled and quieted, resuming their rapt attention. I looked up then to see if Severus was enjoying himself. His eyes darker with arousal met mine. He swiped my cheek, bringing a bloody tear to his mouth as sucked it off his thumb.

I increased my pace with my mouth and hand. Our eyes still locked as he began thrusting his hips just a fraction. His eyes rolled up, breaking our contact and he soundlessly shuddered, filling my mouth with hot salty cream. I swallowed it down, sucked him a few more times to clean him off and released him. He was still partially erect when I gently tucked him away and refastened his pants.

I sat back on my heels and bowed my head waiting further orders.

"Thank you, My Lord," Severus said.

"You are dismissed, Severus." Snape bowed and turned to exit.

"Come back to me, pet." I crawled back over, careful not to look anywhere but the floor beneath me. Once I reached his shoes with matte snakes embossed in the toes, I assumed the new position required of me.

"The rest of you may go."

When we were alone he walked around me, like he was deciding what to do next. He dropped behind me, my every nerve tensed and waiting.

"Spread your knees, pet." I complied immediately. He stripped me with a spell, leaving my boots on.

"I want to see what I created." And he pulled the tape quickly ripping the bandage off. Where the bandage was glued to the wounds by dried blood was ripped and fresh blood quickly welled up.

"Very nice," he said. He cast a cushioning charm on the floor beneath his knees, leaving mine to suffer the marble. He murmured in a soft tone, almost to soft to hear the counter charm of the chastity spell. "I'm sure you realize by now the spell I've used prevents you from fucking anyone until I say otherwise. You've taken to many liberties in the past and this will prevent you from doing so in the future." He said this as he traced each healing lash across my back, bottom and thighs. "You know that that is only part of it, don't you?"

"Enlighten me, My Lord, if you wish."

"Hmm. You are unable to stick your own fingers in your cunt, and even if you could when the first part of the spell is released, you are unable to climax. Without the final incantation done by me, you will never be satisfied." He pushed in to my wet quim, seeking his own gratification. It felt good and I was wet with want and every time he hit just the right spot the pleasure would build and build until I was almost there, then the pressure would recede like the ocean's tide. The almost there, then the current would flow back and another wave would approach only to pull back again. This was torture in itself. It was almost as painful as last night, but more at the same time. He swelled and ejaculated grunting and thrust a few more times prolonging his release.

He stood, redressed me, reinstated the chastity spell and dismissed me. I returned to Hogwarts unsatisfied and very grumpy. I grabbed my broom and stomped up the gravel path toward Hogwarts. By the time I reached the doors my temper had abated a bit as well as my arousal. That didn't stop me from mumbling almost incoherently and stomping down the stairs.

Severus appeared out of the shadows like he just materialized there. If I wasn't in such a snit, I would have smelled him before I seen him. He opened his mouth and Deity only knew what was about to fly out. So I cut him off before he got a word in, "I don't want to talk about it."

"Cease your senseless mumbling and cursing as well as your stomping around and come with me." I was almost awestruck. It wasn't a demand. Well, the part about stopping my hissy fit was, but he part about coming with him was a request.

"I wish I could 'come' with you." I grumbled.

"Pardon?"

"Nothing."

We went through another corridor that led to his chamber door. This of course was the main entrance. He also had an entrance from his office. The only light in the living area was from the fireplace.

He pulled out a bottle of scotch and two tumblers. I sat on the sofa as he poured and handed me a glass. He sat next to me and leaned back. I took his cue and leaned back into the plush leather. Hissing in pain, I quickly sat forward. I took a small sip of the scotch, surprised that it went down easily. "So what's with the new attitude?" I asked.

"It's not new. I'm sorry about tonight. You know that we had no choice though."

"I think I know that better than you at this point."

"Yes, I suspect you do. So tell me, after the events from the past two nights, where do you stand?"

"I stand for myself. No one else will. I want the Dark Lord defeated, in order to free myself, not for a cause."

"Tonight I thought I was exposed. I thought he really got into your mind and I was dead."

"That's how it sounded to me too. Maybe he only looked so far. He only searched for specific occurrences."

"For that I am grateful."

We sat in uncomfortable silence for awhile. There were many things I wanted to say, but wasn't sure if I should. I wanted to know where we stood. Would he be a prick again after tonight? I wish he would choose either attitude and stick with it. If he was going to be a prick, fine. He just needed to remain consistent for my sanity. I don't want him to be caring and concerned for a few minutes out of that. A balance would be nice.

"I can't do this with you anymore, Severus."

"Do what?"

"You can't be my comfort or my safe haven one night and the next be cruel and harsh," I sighed. "I wish you would just choose."

"It's who I am."

"It's you feeling threatened that someone could be getting to close."

"Yes, you're right."

"But that doesn't change the fact that I can't keep going back and forth. For a brief moment I feel like you understand me better than anyone ever could. I feel connected with you. But then you sever the string, slam the door. Whatever you want to call it, that's what you do. I have only retaliated to your actions."

"What would that benefit? To treat you differently?"

"I'm not asking you to treat me differently," I held up a hand to forestall his interruption. "I'm asking that you only choose whether you care about me or abhor me and be consistent. Just be consistent."

"Why did you confess to Harry?" he asked softly.

"I wanted to prove you wrong. I wanted to be accepted and know what friendship felt like. You were right though. What you said before about them casting me out. You were right. But I was right too. I said that it wasn't just Gryffindors. Draco and you are guilty of it too."

"I remember that conversation," He stood and poured more scotch into our empty glasses. "Care to tell me what occurred with my godson?"

"I'm not sure exactly what happened. I only know that he considers me not worthy of my given name. He hasn't outwardly displayed hostility until today. But he has gradually worked up to that."

"I had once informed you that Lucius talks. It is entirely possible that his bragging had extended to his son."

"I had feared so. It certainly explains his behavior."

"You say that his hostility reached a high today?"

"Yes."

"Your explanation of why the Dark Lord punished you so severely may have triggered that." I was dumbfounded. The details of last night were eluding me.

"I don't remember anything after arriving at Hogwarts. I remember voices, I think. The I woke up this afternoon. He was there? He seen that…me?"

"Yes, Potter discovered you and alerted the Head Girl which sounded an alarm in the Head Boy's suite. That's the extent of the information I gathered to their presence. We helped restrain you for Pomfrey to do what she could for you."

"Oh god," I stood and paced in front of the hearth. Severus didn't watch me, only the fire.

"Why did you fuck Potter?" he asked quietly, almost too quiet.

"It just happened. Trust me, even before last night, I regretted it. I've avoided him like the plague ever since."

"That bad?" he seemed amused.

"Worse. It was so stupid. Never worth the risk."

"Am I?" he smirked.

"Not to stroke your ego, Severus, but you damn well are. And you know it. Vanity in that area, although well deserved, does not flatter you."

He grinned then, but dampened into his prerequisite smirk. "You have to admit, it is amusing."

"No it isn't," I glared and stopped pacing.

"Oh yes it is. You did it, knowing the possible penalties and it wasn't worth that penalty. The disappointment combined with actually having to pay for the crime, is amusing."

"Not from where I stand. Do you have any idea that last night wasn't my only payment? I have no idea how long the current torture will last. I'd almost rather be starved for two weeks like the last time than this."

"The enforced chastity spell? Poppy informed me of it."

"That's only half of it," I huffed and crossed my arms.

"Tell me, then."

"He will remove the chastity spell, use my body to seek gratification and gives me nothing in return."

"You mean his offering of blood?"

"No. Imagine you are allowed intercourse and are denied ejaculation, Severus. And you know that it will be denied to you for the indeterminate future."

"Ahh. That is understandably harsh. Creative, but harsh."

"Exactly."

"That's was the racket you made in the halls was about?"

"Yes."

"I see."

I finally sat next to him keeping a respectable distance from him.

"I will endeavor to be a consistent confidante to you, Mercy," he said finally.

"I appreciate that, Severus. I really do. I better go so we can get a few hours sleep before the sun rises."

"Yes, goodnight Mercedes."

I got up to leave by the main door but stopped with my hand on the knob. "Severus?"

"Hmm?"

"He plans attacking Hogwarts on Walpurgis Night through the various tunnels leading from Hogsmeade to the school."

"I will let the appropriate people aware of it."

I nodded and left, hoping 'the appropriate people' was not actually Voldemort. I hoped he wasn't a spy for him instead of Dumbledore. Did I just sign my death warrant? The information was plucked a few days ago from the Dark Lord's mind. It had taken me this long to find a subtle way in without detection. My only chances were a second here or there. I had never before learned enough for it to be substantial. I only just fit the pieces together. The only image sometimes two had to be gathered each time and the intervals did not always connect.

JKR has said that the original name for the Death Eaters was the Knights of Walpurgis. Walpurgis Night is April 30th. It is exactly the opposite day in the calendar year from Halloween. The next day is Beltane otherwise known as May Day or May 1st. Just a note so some people might be confused by the significance of such a name and date.

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