Chapter 24

Spiralling

I was no longer expected to apparate to Voldemort's side at eleven every night. Now I was summoned every night. I wasn't given the courtesy of coming like an invited guest; my presence was now demanded with pain of the brand.

I kept my routine subjugation and was now a reward for all accomplished Death Eaters. Voldemort was gracious enough to only offer me to the Inner Circle. How magnanimous of him. I had lost what little faith I had that the inexperienced naïve Harry Potter could ever defeat the Dark Lord Voldemort. I lost hope that I would ever break the chains that bound me to the megalomaniac. I lost hope that I would ever know happiness or freedom.

Severus remained consistent in his counsel at night when I needed to talk. He seemed to accept his role as my small bit of comfort. But it wasn't enough. He couldn't give me hope because his was either dying or had been long dead. He couldn't offer me kind words because he didn't know how or he felt like those words were useless and empty. He would listen to my recounts almost silently while we both stared into the fire and drank our scotch. Occasionally he would ask a question but usually I talked and left for bed. He would break from the shadows in the silent dungeon corridors and wordlessly beckon me to follow him to his chambers

Hermione offered small smiles of encouragement whenever we made eye contact. Sometimes she would say, 'Hello' but nothing more. Harry would nod in my direction, acknowledging my continued distance and his approval of it.

Draco's continued hostility irked the hell out of me. It was extremely difficult to have a potions partner who pretended as though I didn't exist. I was the only one who spoke in request of this item or that ingredient and he would push the object toward me without looking up. Without handing it to me as if I was diseased and he couldn't bear to sully himself by touching me.

After class on Friday the Gryffindors scurried out as fast as they could, as was their habit. The Slytherins packed and left at a leisurely pace. I grabbed Draco's arm to hold him back as the class emptied. He tried to pull away in vain. He may have been taller, he may have outweighed me by a few stone, but I was stronger.

I flicked my wrist toward the door, shutting and locking it. Draco turned to me, fury in his eyes and the muscle in his jaw twitched.

"What the hell is wrong with you lately?" I hissed,

"With me? Nothing. I am the same as I ever was. It's you. I don't wish to associate with a thing like you."

"What?"

"After everything we had talked about. You've become one of them, only I think you're worse. You are their whore, and on top of that, you just had to fuck Potter."

"Don't you think I've been punished enough for that?" A glimmer of an unknown emotion passed his features.

"No. I don't. You are and abomination. You are a half breed. I will not lower myself to be anything to you. I am a Malfoy and I have duties to uphold. You are nothing to me," he seethed. His eyes were so cold and I knew he meant every word.

"How can you say this to me? It wasn't very long ago that I believed you loved me."

"You were an adolescent fantasy. That was it."

"You're beginning to sound like your father."

"Wouldn't you know?"

I let go of him like I had been burned, "What are you talking about?" I hoped that Lucius had not told Draco everything. I did not want him to know about my fucking his father, ever.

"I know that you're partners in raids. I know you spend a lot of time together. I know that you are Voldemort's whore. I don't need to know anything else. That's enough." He may know more, but he didn't say it.

"You're not being fair, Draco."

"Fair has nothing to do with it. No one can satisfy you. No one ever will. It's the type of creature you are. You aren't human enough and you aren't pure enough. You'll drain the life of anyone so unfortunate to ever love you." With that said, he strode away, leaving me in dumbfounded silence.

With his words, he just confirmed everything I feared. I don't know how he was so accurate. His words haunted me, repeating the worse things. These hateful truths from someone I once loved and still cared for. Out of everything I had been through and the one that matters the most cut me down to nothing.

The rest of the day I spent in a daze. I was summoned as usual, Voldemort used me as usual. I brushed Severus off that night, saying that I needed to be alone. I went to my dormitory and looked around. Four beds held their occupants behind closed curtains. One was empty with my trunk at the foot of the bed.

I felt empty, desolate and despair. I gathered my things and packed them in the trunk. I sat down and wrote a letter to the only person I could think would care. I took my ring off and enclosed it with the letter. I sealed the parchment and charmed it so it would be received by the intended and couldn't be stolen or mishandled. I left it on my undisturbed bed and transfigured my trunk so I could carry it easily.

I walked out of Hogwarts for good. I didn't even turn around to have a last look at the imposing castle with its many twinkling lights in the windows and apparated home. I dropped my trunk in the Great Room and ascended the stairs to the tower. I sat and made myself comfortable on the stone floor and waited for the sun to rise.

The next morning the staff sat at the Head Table during breakfast. Although no classes were in session on Saturday's the staff had to keep watch to maintain order. Severus sat next to McGonagall and Sinistra. None of the staff of Hogwarts were early birds except Dumbledore and Flitwick. Even Hagrid needed to eat before he became his usual self.

Severus was sipping his coffee and scowling at the students drifting in. When Daphne Greengrass and Tracey Davis approached their Head of House or any other students in Slytherin this early, good news was never forthcoming.

"Professor Snape, this was addressed to you," Daphne handed the velum envelope to him.

"How did you acquire a letter addressed to me?"

"It was left for you on Mercedes' bed. Everything of hers was gone when we woke up." Tracey answered.

Severus nodded and dismissed the girls back to their table. The weight of his stomach doubled as he opened the letter and doubled again when a familiar ring fell with a clang on the wood table before him. Dumbledore noticed the ring and said, "Oh dear." He watched as Severus quickly read his mail becoming a degree more ashen with each pass of his eyes.

Dearest Severus,

I write dearest because I don't wish to be too formal. Our relationship so far has been unorthodox at times but never formal. By the time your receive this I have packed my belongings and left Hogwarts for good. I wish you luck in your war and hope that whoever wins, you will be well. I apologize, Severus. I just can't do it anymore. I can't continue to be Voldemort's whore. I wasn't that useful to either side anyway. If I ever was, I'm tired of being used. Recently I've discovered that were the Light to win the war, I would have nothing and no one. No freedom is worth living an undirected existence. If the Dark Lord should prevail, I would continue to be his pet, his whore.

Neither is worth the price I've paid. I've sold my soul so long ago for nothing in return but for the promise of love. Love is an illusion no matter how you look at it. I don't want to live without it though. Isn't that ironic?

I know you must think I'm very selfish for my escape. I have given all I am capable of giving and it's never enough. I don't want to be shunned or reviled by either side, but that's what has happened. I'll never be free of the monster inside of me. I'll never be human enough or pure enough. I would drain the life from any man so unfortunate to ever love me. I don't want that. How much any have abhorred me, I've hated myself more.

Please wear my ring and think of me sometimes. Maybe things will work out for us in the next lifetime. I know had we met under different circumstances we would have gotten along better. We'll see. They say time heals all wounds. All but mine.

Mercedes Bathory Xavier

Severus stood immediately after finishing the letter. Mercy didn't necessarily spell it out, but Severus could read between the lines clear enough. "Albus, how do I get to Mercy's home?"

"Use my office Floo and say 'Bathory Castle Great Room'."

Severus handed the letter to Albus and slipped the ring on his pinkie finger so it wouldn't be lost. He wasn't sure if he would make it in time. If Mercy was still alive, he was going to strangle her.

The sky lightened to a dull gray. There were rarely any days that were actually sunny in the Carpathian Mountains. I figured that it may take longer to kill me with the overcast sky but by the end of the day I would have accomplished my final mission. I lay in the path of light. I was so scared but I was also determined. I felt so warm. After all this time of always being cold the warmth was a nice change. I had been laying there peacefully for an indiscernible amount of time when I felt heavy, tired. I was so tired of everything and now my body agreed with my despair.

The warmth that had felt so nice was gradually beginning to get too hot. When I tried to move to unbutton my dress a bit, my arms wouldn't obey my command. My breathing increased as my terror did. I didn't want to back out. I just wanted it over with. My eyes were filling, blurring my vision in red, overflowing and streaking down my temples and into my hair. So much for leaving a good looking corpse. I sequestered a sob trying to break forth and breathed deeply.

I felt the air shift with it brought a familiar scent. He stood between me and the light.

"You stupid selfish brat," he raged.

"Go away, Severus," it only came out as a whisper. It was all I could manage. My eyes were to heavy to open.

"You can't do this."

"Why?" I whispered still. "This is my freedom, don't deny me. Don't chain me to this existence, Severus."

"I love you, you insolent fool."

It was an extreme effort to unclose my eyes, "What? You are just saying that to change my mind."

"If it weren't true I wouldn't have come in the first place."

I had to close my eyes, it was too bright to keep them open. The heat was almost unbearable now. I knew it would be soon. How come I never seen if before it what he said is true. The more I thought about it, it was there. I just never noticed. His anger and jealousy, his commitment to being my confidante and the effort to be less harsh with me, maybe it was true. I'd never know for sure, my time was coming closer. I felt him struggle to put something on my finger, but it wouldn't go on for some reason. My ring. He cursed expertly, knowing that I was dying before him, right now.

Another shift of the air and his heavy black cloak covered me and he lifted me gently. I felt his heart beating frantically and his murmuring chant of "Don't die, don't die, don't die."

If I had the energy I would have laughed. I was already dead, my heart just continued to beat. He walked swiftly toward the fireplace and I heard him call out, "Hogwarts Severus Snape's chambers."

He held me close while we spun. The vertigo ceased and I immediately felt the cool of the dungeons, but I still hurt.

He lay me gently down on his bed and uncovered me, "I'll be back, don't try to move."

As I lay there, my eyes unable to open and my skin felt raw. I was frustrated that I couldn't even die properly.

I must have fallen asleep then I heard voices. One was Severus, one was Dumbledore and the last was Madame Pomfrey.

"It needs to be treated like a burn. I'll go get the salve," Madame Pomfrey said.

"Anything else, Poppy?" Dumbledore asked.

"Find out why she would do such a thing so we don't go through the trouble of healing her and she tries again. I still think it's highly inappropriate for a professor to have his student in his bed no matter what the circumstances," she huffed.

"Poppy your objection is noted. Let's go find that salve, shall we?" Dumbledore deflected.

I heard the door close and a moment later I felt the bed dip with Severus' weight. He dabbed my face with a cool damp cloth and it felt good against my heated skin.

"Can you open your eyes?"

"No, not yet," I whispered.

"Poppy thinks that without the blood from the Dark Lord you would have been gone by the time I got there. Combined with the blood and the overcast sky you survived."

"Oh."

"Tell me what happened that tipped the scales for you to take such drastic action. I know you were headed that way regardless, but what hurried your decision?"

"I had a fight with Draco. He just confirmed all my worse fears. Hearing him say things that I have thought for so long just made me realize how alone I always will be."

"Is it because you still love him?" he asked guardedly.

"A part of me always will. Maybe it's more of what he represents I guess. Humanity and a certain innocence to the darker side of myself. I could pretend for that brief while that I wasn't what I am. I reveled in that illusion that I could chose to be more human, and deny my inhuman urges. I could suppress a part of me for only so long. I could pretend but it really didn't get me what I had truly desired. He only heard brief recounts of the things I've done, the sins committed, and he couldn't handle it and neither could I."

"I understand." He seemed to debate on whether to say something else. "Where do you stand with me?"

"I care about you. I know we understand and accept each other more than anyone else could. But accepting it doesn't mean that we like it. Our darkness has a tendency to clash. I feel open with you, especially recently. Maybe that is love and I've just never experienced this before to recognize it. I could envision a future of some sort with each other. It just hurt more to do so because I thought you didn't return my feelings. I thought your ulterior motives were to keep me as a spy, to keep me from turning completely. If that was your motive for your becoming my confidante, it worked. But that's all I thought you were doing. I had no idea that you had personal feelings for me other than abhorrence, distrust and obligation."

"Silly girl," he said quietly still soothing my face neck arms and chest with the cool cloth. I didn't realize I was so exposed until I finished talking.

We heard a knock and Severus covered me with a cool sheet to protect any modesty either of us had left. He got up to answer the door.

Madame Pomfrey clucked her tongue in anger, "Severus let me through."

"No, Madame. I am more than capable of treating her."

"Albus, I really must insist that she be moved from here. Either to the Infirmary or Slytherin guest quarters."

"That isn't necessary in this instance, Poppy. She is of age as well as only here for medical treatment and Severus is more than capable of seeing to her."

"Barely of age shouldn't make a difference. She is still a student," she persisted.

"Poppy she is a student of his in name only. She could have taken her potions NEWT at the beginning of the year and passed. Miss Xavier, what is your birth date?"

"January 28th 1960." I answered weakly.

Madame Pomfrey huffed and clucked a few more times before she turned and left.

"I guess you don't need me any further. Goodnight," and Dumbledore departed as well, humming a little ditty. He war a very strange old man.

Severus returned and placed a cool cloth over my eyes and gently stripped the clothing I had left, off. He used many more wet cloths and towels to cover me. He lifted the towel on one leg and I felt the soothing cream he applied gently. He continued the same process on my other leg. The cool cream eased the burn and mad it bearable. He rubbed up my stomach to my breasts soothingly. He lifted me up to sit and he inspected my back and then completed with the cream on my arms neck and face.

"Your back has healed and no burns are on that side."

"Thank you," I said softly. I really didn't know what else to say at the moment.

"It won't be long now and the war will be over."

"Yes, the war will come and go, but I have no faith in the Dark Lord's defeat. Then we will still be slaves. We may we slaves of the Inner Circle, but its still slavery."

"Why do you have such little faith in the Order?"

"Be realistic, Severus. They all have their hopes pinned on a reckless boy. Sorry, but Harry Potter and Albus Dumbledore are no match for the Dark Lord and his Death Eaters.

They are not ruthless enough or cruel enough. They try to retain a moral high ground while the Dark Lord only cares about victory. He will get it because he is focused on that one thing. Dumbledore cares about protecting all the little people too weak to fight for themselves. Instead of going in and using any and all means necessary to win."

"I have thought the same things many times through the years. Then Albus will do something that proves to me that he is every bit as ruthless and determined as his opposition."

"Harry and the Dark Lord are supposed to go one on one. There is no way in hell he is ready. He probably will never be. Do you realize how many opportunities I've had that he unknowingly presented me to kill him?"

"He trusted you then. But now he acts more cautious around you. And no matter what, you can't use that kind of magic at Hogwarts."

"I've used the Killing Curse three times, Severus. Only three. I haven't kept track of the kills I've made in my lifetime nevertheless since I became a Death Eater. Even when he's had his wand pointed at me, I could have killed him before he could finish the syllables in 'Stupefy'. Or for anyone else to defend him in the time it would take for them to aim and hex. The may be successful in hexing me, but their friend would be no less dead because of it." I snapped my fingers, "Like that, with a sharp crack of his neck, the hopes of the wizard world would be dead."

"Thought about this much, have you?"

"I've had a few different chances to do just that. I haven't because I've had my hopes pinned on him too. That was before I realized how careless he really is and what that meant for my hopes of freedom."

"I need to speak with Albus tonight and have Potter's training doubled."

"Speaking of tonight. How does it look? I'll be summoned again and unless I'm dead I have to go."

"It looks like you have severe sunburn which is what it is, foolish girl. The salve will have time to heal more by then. It won't be complete but the blistering will have disappeared. You'll need blood to heal your eyes."

I felt his pulse fluttering against my lips. Instinct made me lick it, conscience made me pull away. "I won't Severus."

"How long will you punish yourself? You need to be able to see."

"I won't drain you."

"Will you stop this nonsense?"

I will ask our Lord tonight to heal me. You will have to accompany me. That way neither of us is punished."

"We need to come up with something to explain this."

"We will."

"For now you should sleep." He dried the bedding and I lie back down and fell almost immediately to sleep.

Severus sat at his desk in his office grading papers. It was quiet in Slytherin at the moment and he wanted to get as much done as possible while Mercy was asleep. A knock at his door disturbed his marking. "Enter." He looked up when the door opened and Draco walked in. He wasn't wearing his usual countenance of arrogance, in fact he seemed nervous.

"What is it, Mr. Malfoy?"

"Can I speak to you a moment, sir?"

Snape gestured to the chair opposite him and Draco quickly sat.

"Daphne told me that Mercy's gone. I was wondering if you knew anything."

"Why the sudden concern? It was my belief that you two haven't gotten along in quite sometime."

"We haven't. We had a row yesterday and I said some things I shouldn't have."

Snape shuffled through some papers on his desk and found what he was searching for. He handed the velum envelope that was addressed to him over to Draco. Draco carefully opened it uncertainly. Severus sat back and watched his reaction. Draco's breathing increased and Severus noticed his godson's hands shake. When he looked up his blue eyes were brimming with unshed tears.

"Is she…?" he couldn't complete the sentence. Severus held his hand out for the letter and Draco immediately noticed the ring on his pinkie. "Oh fuck," he breathed. Only then did the tears descend.

"Are there a few familiar passages in that letter, Draco?"

"Yes," he choked out.

Severus stood quickly and hauled Draco into his chambers. He suspected that Draco had said some of the crueler things in her letter. "Do you want to see what your careless words created?" Draco tried to respond but couldn't. Severus continued to pull him to his bedroom door. "Quiet," he said before opening the door.

Mercy lie sleeping curled around a pillow. The sheet was pulled to her hip. By the candles in the room you couldn't see much and Severus pulled Draco out and silently shut the door. He led Draco to the couch when Draco finally found his voice, "What happened? She looked alive to me."

"She has sunburn, Draco." He let the words sink in a moment before continuing, "You are lucky that it didn't kill her. If I ever found out that her letter echoed your words after she died, I would have killed you." He said it seriously then turned and placed his hands on the mantle.

"You love her," he accused.

"That is not your concern. What should be your concern is the fact that she has been through hell to save you. She sold her soul so you could keep yours."

"I'll be expected to take the Mark after graduation. It doesn't change anything from where I stand."

"Not if we can help it."

"What do you mean, 'not if we can help it'?"

"The war is drawing closer, Draco. I don't want anyone to learn what I have. If I could save any of my students from that I would be grateful. If I can save my godson from the path your father has chosen, I will be more so. Neither one of us are loyal to the Dark Lord, Draco. I'll need your wizard's oath that nothing you learn now will be repeated. It would cost not only my life or Mercedes' life, but possibly yours."

"I swear by my wand that I won't reveal anything I learn from you, Uncle Severus," Draco dutifully vowed. "You are both spies for Dumbledore?"

"Yes. Although I made the mistake of joining shortly after my own graduation I had a change of heart. Mercy joined with the intention of spying."

"I had wondered. She was so adamant about protecting me. Then she broke up with me. I thought she changed her mind and traded me for power."

"That was your misconception. She broke up with you as a means of protecting you. She knew that you could be used against her as a means of punishment or if she were discovered. She also knew sex was a possible tool and didn't want to remain an illusion with you of being faithful."

"Why didn't she say anything all this time?"

"She couldn't. She physically can not discuss anything relating Death Eater activities or politics to those who are not Marked. The Dark Lord has almost complete control of her 'monster', she calls it."

"I've been such and ignorant prat."

"Among other things."

"Does she still care about me?"

"Do you think your hateful words would have affected her so much if she did not? She still loves you, but she may never forgive you." It pained Severus to talk about this. He loved her, he wanted her. Draco did not deserve her or care for her the way Severus did.

"And you love her."

"Yes," he sighed in defeat. "She does not return those feelings. It's you she loves. She merely cares for me."

"Severus?" they both turned toward the bedroom door. Mercy stood there completely nude and for the moment unaware of Draco's presence. "I'm being summoned."

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