Elegy
She shouldn't have felt this way. It was wrong, the way she clung onto a few words, some dead flowers, and the song that they shared. A lowly singer that was famous among the thousands that roamed the castle due to some lucky fate. If he had never found her, she would still be in South Window, separated from her group and penniless. If he had never found her, she would have never met his sister. Yes…the cheerful sister of the army's leader. The beautiful girl who was not physically pretty, but brilliant in all other aspects…Nanami…
She should stop these thoughts. A proper mourning for a dear friend was appropriate but not this obsession. Why was her heart so stubborn? Of course she loved Nanami. Everyone loved her. They were annoyed with her late-night training, but they loved her smile. They loved her voice, the way it was so honest, so pure, so optimistic. One could look forward to the future with her propitious forecasts. But even Nanami kept her secrets. Some secrets that she had shared under one full moon like the one that shone so brightly today…
She didn't know when these feelings began. One day after a concert, Nanami had approached her and given her a flower. "This isn't much, but thank you for the free concerts. You keep everyone in the castle happy." She had been shocked by this comment; surely she was not so effective. However Nanami had given her a dashing smile, a smile worth more than any amount of gold. She sang with more intensity, even when her voice was a quiet as a mouse's, and even her ignorant band mates noticed a difference. In her heart she sang in hopes of luring Nanami to another concert, to show her how much she had appreciated the flower and the compliment. Was she in love then?
How could she know of love? Her parents had died so early, so young…leaving her with no knowledge of love. She didn't know if she was attracted to her either; she definitely felt no physical attraction. She loved her eyes, though, but not for their color. She never cared too much for colors; her color-sense was probably lacking because of her heightened hearing. Few may have noticed, but she had improved greatly on pitch with the other two now present. Now if she ever was separated again from them, she would be able to hit her notes with the right frequency. Her faith in Riou and the Dunan Army did not let her consider that a possibility. Everything would be peaceful…
Peace. That could be found before a little past midnight, out on the balcony. Feeling the cold wind caress her face, she had been surprised at first when she heard footsteps behind her one night. Turning around, she found herself face to face with a serious-looking Nanami. It was a strange moment; she felt a mixture of surprise and excitement. Her heart was beating so fast that she felt her whole body pulsating. Only a few moments later, Nanami was right in front of her.
No one spoke. Nanami collapsed into her arms. The feel of another's arms around her was foreign but pleasing. Nanami didn't cry but just sank inside her embrace. She slowly wrapped her own around the inwardly crumbling figure, not thinking for a moment. For a moment their heartbeats matched. She felt an understanding between them.
"Annallee…" Nanami whispered, so unlike the bold, defiant tomboy that she had seen. "Do you ever sing about love?"
She didn't remember what she said in response. The question haunted her, however, and she dreamed about it in her sleep. She found herself unintentionally twisting her lyrics around. Destiny…so cruel, so mercurial…and yet it brings lovers together. A paradox, she thought to herself. How can something be so cruel and yet so kind?
Yes, she hated destiny. She hated destiny for killing her parents, for making her suffer, for taking Nanami away. Maybe Nanami's innocent question about love made her start thinking unorthodox thoughts. One should not think of a friend in that way, like a lover. But that was destiny's cruelest stroke. This forbidden love…hidden in shadows for no one to know. Maybe she conveyed it through the song she wrote. A song that only Nanami knew.
"Destiny's strings brought us together, but the same puppeteer broke us apart. The matchmaker made us fall in love, but then it purposefully broke our hearts..."
Nanami had called it an elegy. A fitting title, she thought to herself now. Nanami always had the right words. She...she wished Nanami had left parting words for her like she had for her brother. She was still searching for comfort, some last words, something to calm herself. She felt a sense of disquietude.
It was too quiet now. This time that used to be her favorite now was too lonely. With no one awake, not even an owl, she knew it was time to retire. Her band mates would appreciate it. Maybe she would actually see a sunrise one day and think about how Nanami's smile was just like it, brightening everyone's day. Maybe it was time to close a chapter in her life.
She didn't want to let go. The words of the song she composed rolled off her lips, with its mournful melody somehow sweet. She thought about the ancient times, where the castle fools had to sing new songs everyday, telling of triumphs, adventures, and glory. But then she thought of those lone harpists, singing ballads of love lost, of death, of loss. Those were always the most beautiful.
She would force herself to sleep. In the morning, she would wake up and add the next refrain for her song, her elegy… She pulled herself away from the balcony and tiptoed to her cold bed, slipping past a hundred sleeping bodies before finding the familiar sounds of Albert and Pico. She paused before slowly pulling away the sheets, pulling them like flower petals, and slipping between them.
The morning's rays would wake her from her slumber for the first time in a month.