Probie's Coffin
Chappie 4: Not Really a Thingy
Disclaimer: Did you know that the first known form of the word "disclaim" was recorded in 1434 in relation to the Anglo and French words "disavowal" and "denial", but the word "disclaimer" itself was not recorded until 1790. Of course, there was no fanfiction then, that we know of, at least. Although-
Ducky! Stop it! I'll do my own disclaimer!
I disclaim. Thank you.
A/N: This won't come up till later, but because this is my fanfiction, and I was never very good in physical science, so we are going to temporarily suspend the laws of physics (pesky things), and make Nebraska (Ber-wyn, no Nebraska) fairly near Norfolk. Deal.
Another: A/N: I am totally lovin' these reviews! Thank you so much. I especially want to thank any GAbby 'shippers who are (miraculously) still reading, for your consideration. Thanks, guys! Jenn( ), I didn't totally understand what you meant about Tony, but I appreciated your review (us McAbby 'shippers gotta stick together!), but I would love to hear more about what you think Tony should do. Please review some more; that goes for all of you!
Spoilers: Witness, Doppelganger
Chapter 4: Not Really a Thingy
"You forgot the semicolon."
Eleanor glared. "If I ever see another semicolon for the rest of my life, I am going to break it, smash it into little pieces and kill it."
"Yeah, well, I'll let you know if I see any up and running around the office," Abby told her.
Gibbs strode in. "Abby, where's that file?"
"There's one now," Abby said.
Gibbs ignored the girls' laughter. "The file?"
"All done." Abby handed him the file Eleanor had taken from autopsy earlier. (In case anyone is trying to string a plot out of this file, you can stop wasting your time; it exists exclusively as an excuse to get people to move where I want them. ;P )
"Heard you were pretty sharp in autopsy, Eleanor."
"Um, thank you, sir."
Abby looked surprised. As soon as he left, she raised an eyebrow. "Wow. It's tough to squeeze a complement out of him. Good job."
"What? I didn't do anything!" This voice was coming from the vent, filtering in through the office upstairs. The two girls exchanged glances.
"You, know, Eleanor, I think it's about time for our lunch break."
"I do believe you're right. Shall we see if we can get our meal with a show- I mean, if your esteemed colleagues would like to join us?"
"Absolutely. Oh, but they don't know about the vent. Hushy!"
"My lips are sealed," Eleanor promised. "They're also dry. Do you have any gloss?"
"Only in black. You're welcome to it."
"Hmm. I would, but I don't like licorice. Only flavor the stupid stuff comes in. That's why I don't have any." They headed for the elevator.
When they got to the office, Abby and Eleanor were surprised to find a fight going on.
"It's because women are the gentler sex. They're more subtle." Tony was explaining, although they both got the impression this was much more an act of baiting than an expression of opinion.
"Ha, ha, that's a good one, Tony. How's that bruise on your solar plexus?"
"Help me out, Probie. If a woman asks a guy what he does for a living, she's checking him out, right? Testing the prospects?"
McGee looked distraught at having to answer this question.
"Or maybe she's just having a conversation?" Kate suggested. "That's something two people do when they're not having sex. But I guess you wouldn't know about that." They both looked to McGee to support them.
"Yeah, what do you think?" Abby asked. If McGee looked unsettled before, he looked downright petrified now. Abby smirked.
"I am not going to answer that, seeing as I'm not feeling particularly suicidal today."
"We're going to lunch. Anybody want to join us?" Tony was on his feet immediately.
"Definitely, ladies. So, Eleanor, do you like Italian food? You know, I can cook a manicotti-"
"I think I better come too," Kate announced. "You might need an extra stick to beat him off with."
"Don't pay any attention to her, Eleanor, she's just-"
"Jealous," All the women finished for him.
Halfway through their meal, Abby and Eleanor got up to go the restroom. This lunch was the first time the two had spent any time with Eleanor. They looked at each other in puzzlement.
"Okay, meeting another one of you was stomach turning. This is just scary." She paused. "Poor McGee's head must be reeling."
Tony laughed. "I don't think McGee's getting anywhere with her."
"What do you mean?"
Tony took the opportunity to poke around before actually telling Kate anything. He liked knowing things she didn't. "Well, you saw the way she acts around me."
"With complete loathing tempered only by compassion for dumb animals?" Kate tried.
"Ah, there's that wit!" His face snapped back to serious. "No. She acts so . . . neutral around me." He leaned in to explain it, gesturing. "See, I have an effect on women."
Kate nearly let loose with a howl of laughter.
"Pupils dilate, heart rate increases, blood rushes to the face and. . . well, you get the picture. You know, you're a detective, you should notice these things."
"Oh, please! What you're seeing, Tony, is called the gag reflex. It comes into play as soon as you open your mouth."
"Oh, thank you for reminding me. My mouth. Women can't stop looking at it."
Kate started laughing all over again. "You know, you should tell Ducky about these hallucinations, you might have some kind of head injury or something."
"Most women," he finished. "Eleanor, zip. She's not into guys."
Kate was taken aback. "What, any girl who isn't attracted to you is, what, gay! Tony, you're nuts!"
"See, even you're thinking about them." He grinned.
Kate scowled. "You're disgusting, you know that?" She took a sip of coffee, then brought up an argument. "What about me?"
"What about you?" he asked.
"I'm not attracted to you." She stared him down. "Do you think I'm gay?"
"No." He paused for effect. "I think you're defective. Ow! Kate! A French fry is not a weapon!"
"Abby, I have to rethink my original opinion," Eleanor was standing beside the table, back from the restroom, Abby beside her. "You are not the weirdest person who works here."
"Am, too," Abby pouted. They sat down.
"Okay, okay," Eleanor acted as if someone were twisting her arm. "You're the weirdest."
Abby perked up immediately and hugged her. Tony threw an "I told you so," glance at Kate, who threw back a "That doesn't mean anything," glance.
Oblivious to the conversation on the other side of the table, Eleanor pulled Abby's pigtail out of the way and looked at the spider web on her neck. "Nifty. I've thought about getting a rainbow triangle thingy, but I don't know where to put it."
Tony raised his eyebrows at Kate.
"Well, if you've never done it before, you want someplace soft, like here," Abby pointed to her forearm, so the needles won't be up against bone."
Eleanor paled. "I think I'll stick with jewelry to decorate myself."
Abby shrugged. As they all headed back to the office, Tony trailed behind the two to talk to Kate. "Told you."
"So what? You can't tell just because she didn't react to you."
"Whatever," Tony replied, obviously not believing her. He smiled wickedly. "Think Abby knows?"
"She's way ahead of you," Kate remarked.
Tony latched onto the gossip. "What? Did she say something to you?"
Kate feigned confusion. "Oh, you meant this? I just meant in general, and you know, on the evolutionary ladder."
The girls were having another conversation. "There's this place," said Eleanor, "That just opened up, kind of an arcade. I've been wanting to check it out, and tonight's all you can play for ten dollars. Wanna shoot some zombies or something?"
Abby smiled. "Sounds neat." She looked at the ground. "I should warn you, Gibbs has a million rules, that he'll, like, kill anyone who breaks them. And rule number twelve is that there can't be any interoffice . . . thingies."
"Oh."
Abby recovered quickly. "Well, it's all right. We're not, technically, coworkers, and it's not really a thingy. So we're good."
Eleanor smiled. "Okay."
This is a joke from Svengoolie. He's local to Chicago, so if you don't know about it, forget the Berwyn stuff!
Please review, I love you guys!
Next episode: Pretend It's a Semicolon!