Warning: This Fanfic contains copious amounts of insanity. Don't read if you value your mental health.
A/N: Written to meet the third Alnel challenge set by Sorceress Myst on her profile. Ms Myst, I hope you are satisfied with the results! Also, there is a deliberate reference to a certain anime in there, so spot it if you can.
Peppita swung her legs happily as she waited patiently for her 'guest' to arrive. She was sitting on the back of one of the pews in Aquios' famous chapel, situated within the royal castle. Struggling on the floor behind her was the local priest, gagged by a colourful handkerchief and wrists and ankles bound by sturdy rope, knotted with expert skill. As the priest began his muffled cries for help after a few minutes rest from his relentless noise, Peppita turned to him and shushed him while grinning broadly. If they were discovered, her plan would go to waste and that would spoil her day of fun; and no one wanted to upset Peppita when she had something big planned, just like Fayt had found out earlier during the trip. His hair still wasn't quite as long as it was before…Peppita giggled as she leapt from her seat and began to pace around, hands clasped firmly behind her back as she went over the events of the preceding morning in her head, making sure nothing went awry.
Peppita had been bored stiff as she finished her breakfast. Another day in paradise, another day wasted she had always thought. She went over her options as she always did; she could annoy Fayt and Sophia, watch Cliff fail miserably at making a decent gold ring for 'never you mind', chat to Mirage until she had to find Cliff about something then lose her for the rest of the day or bash Rodger until he gave her enough fol to buy something containing sugar. Peppita decided that Rodger's head was looking a bit flat and boring, which had to be dealt with immediately, and so rushed out of the room to find him until she heard raised voices coming from Nel's room. Suppressing a chuckle, Peppita quietly snuck forwards and began to listen. "…Please Albel, do me this one favour and I'll…let you beat up Sophia all you like!""Not even worth considering, maggot." "Albel, that man has important information and his daughter-" "I don't care if this man knows the recipe for the Elixir of Life, I shall not marry any woman just for some information, especially not for an Aquarian maggot like yourself! I'd rather marry one of the muscle headed fool's 'machines' than some ugly maggot of your choosing!" Peppita managed to dart around the corner as the door was ripped open and Albel stormed out into the corridor. As he passed Peppita he glared darkly at her before descending down the stairs. Peppita grinned to herself and proceeded to launch herself after Albel and passed him on the way to find Cliff.
Two hours, one gagged priest and a melted ring later and Peppita had everything ready. "Any moment now." Peppita practically sang to herself, and almost on queue Albel burst through the chapel doors. He looked around suspiciously. "Where is the 'key item', tiny maggot?" He spat at Peppita. Peppita pointed to the spot behind her and Albel strolled forwards. As he reached the point where Peppita had pointed and looked around. "What are you-" Albel was silenced by shock as a thick, orange ribbon snared his left hand, pulled it behind his back and in a split second pulled his right hand into the same position. He glared as Peppita sprung into view. "I have everything ready for the perfect wedding!" She beamed. "What are you on about, maggot?" Albel hissed, yanking his arms every few seconds in a vain attempt to free himself. "We have the priest," Peppita pointed behind her and the Priest of Aquios let out a muffled hoot of discomfort, "the groom," she pointed at Albel, "and let's not forget, the bride!" Peppita lent over one of the pews and picked up a small, metallic object. Albel stared at it for a beat. "What is that?" Peppita grinned and held the object closer to Albel. "It's a toaster. You know, one of the 'muscle headed fool's machines', remember?" Albel let out an inaudible groan. He was right; the midget had been listening to the argument. "I wouldn't really marry a machine, fool." Peppita looked distraught and covered the toaster's top with her body. "Don't say such things, you'll upset Margery's feelings!" Albel had, at this point, slowly started to shuffle backwards. He could deal with the shame of everyone seeing him tied up like this if it meant he was away from this nutcase. "You really mean it don't you? About marrying…uh, 'Margery'?" Peppita nodded as she stroked the machine, cooing soothing words to it. "What if I can marry someone else? Margery could do far better than me!" Albel uttered nervously. After this, his only option was to run like the wind but Peppita would eventually catch up to him and do something truly evil such as shave his head, like she had done to Fayt after a memorable day a few months back. Peppita thought on this for a moment. "Hmm, okay! Come back here in one hour with your bride or else Margery will take the vows with you!" She sprung around to his back and untied her ribbon easily. "One hour." Albel uttered before striding off, rubbing his wrists as he went. Peppita cocked her head to one side. "Well Margery, how about a triple wedding? What, you'd like that? Great, we'll find you a husband and then go and collect our two little friends…" Peppita cackled insanely as she left the chapel, Margery firmly under arm.
Albel strolled around the Inn, trying to think of some way out of Peppita's insane plan. Sadly, the only options left were either ridiculous or degrading, so Albel had to try and find a bride. He would never think of marrying Sophia, Mirage wouldn't allow it as 'I've got other plans when it comes to marriage' and Maria was off doing work for that muscle head's little group. This left him with one option; Nel. Cursing darkly as he made his way to the Library within the Castle, Albel tried to put the familiar dream of Nel and weddings at the furthest corner of his mind.
As he had suspected, Albel found Nel reading in the Library. Quietly he paced forwards as Nel had her back to him and lunged at her, wrapping his arms around her waist and her mouth. Nel's eyes flashed viciously as he began to drag her towards the exit and she quickly kicked her right foot backwards, hitting his thigh with great force. Albel swore as he let her go, rubbing the newly forming bruise tenderly. "What do you want, Nox?" She said idly. "I need you to attend a wedding-" "Oh, so you've agreed to marry Riana?" Albel was about to object but he saw how it could work to his advantage. "Yes I have. I felt so bad about the argument that I arranged the marriage myself." Nel stared at Albel suspiciously. He was being nice, at least by his standards, and he had agreed to the marriage that he had sworn would never take place earlier that day; something had to be going on. "What are you planning?" Albel forced a smile, clenching his fists behind his back. "Nothing, fool. If you want the marriage to take place you have to attend the wedding, that's all." Nel sighed and rolled her eyes. "Okay, I'll go with you to the chapel." As Nel went to the door, Albel stuck out his foot and Nel crashed to the floor. "Watch where you're going, maggot." Albel sneered. As Nel glared at his back, Albel smiled quietly to himself. He wasn't going to marry a toaster, and he had found out the colour of Nel's underwear; his day was starting to look up.
Albel held the chapel doors open for Nel before entering himself. He could see, at the far end of the chapel, Peppita hopping excitedly from one foot to another. The Priest was standing nervously with a large book under his arm and two blonde heads had swivelled around to see who had entered. Mirage waved a quick hello to Nel, who was shaking her head and turning towards the door. Albel slammed them shut behind him and glared at Nel. "Keep going towards the front, maggot." Nel returned the glare and swivelled on her heel, storming towards Peppita. The girl in question bounded over to Nel. "Welcome, Nel! I'm glad to see you've agreed to marry Albel! Although, Margery was most disappointed that Albel wasn't going to marry her." Nel turned to Albel, livid with fury. "Nox!" Albel shrugged off Nel's murderous glare. "So I lied, maggot. Did you really expect me to marry that ugly fool? And anyway, this'll be repayment for even suggesting the idea of marrying that 'woman', if you can call her that." Nel seemed ready to explode until suddenly she settled back and started to smirk. "Okay, I'll marry you, because once we're married I'll have to follow you everywhere in order to make sure you're not cheating on me. And I mean everywhere." Albel seemed slightly distressed by the idea of her following him around, so Nel dropped it and turned to the front. "Okay, Peppita, I'm ready to be wed." Peppita clapped her hands and did a little dance of joy before looking at the brides and grooms to be. "This will not do," Peppita sighed and shook her head, "you have to be looking all fancy if you're getting married! Not to worry, I have brought stuff to wear!" Peppita scooped up some clothing from behind the priest, who was still shaking from his ordeal, and started at Cliff. She handed him a tuxedo jacket and a red tie, which he put on without fuss. Mirage got a little black dress, which Peppita allowed her to go to the back of the chapel to change into. Peppita bounded over to Margery and her mate, a vacuum cleaner, giving the toaster a miniature veil and a miniature hat to the vacuum. Finally she turned to Albel and Nel. Albel got a black bowler hat and cuff links, which he pocketed with the intention of selling later as part of the revenge. However, Nel didn't get off so lightly. "I have to wear this?" She exclaimed as Peppita presented her with one of her show costumes. "Pretty please, you'll look very nice in it! And you want to look very nice for your wedding, don't you?" Nel sighed and snatched the costume from Peppita's hands before storming off to the back of the chapel to change. When she got back, Cliff burst out laughing and Albel lowered his head to hide both the heavy blush and the wide grin that had crossed his face. The costume was several sizes too small, which made Nel very uncomfortable. "I feel like some kid who goes out and collects stupid little cards with a stupid little fairy." Nel growled, plucking the costume out of her backside as Cliff began to weep with laughter. Eventually it took a heavysmack to the ribs from Mirage to stop him laughing enough for the ceremony to continue. Peppita nodded at the priest. "Well, long ago, when the great god-" Peppita growled at the priest and he jumped an inch into the air. "Yes, well, we don't need to go through with that bit." He flipped through several pages in the book before turning to Cliff and Mirage. "Do you, Cliff Fittir, take this woman, Mirage Koas to be your lawfully wedded wife; to have and to hold, for richer for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do you part?" Cliff beamed proudly and Mirage blushed when he loudly proclaimed 'I do'. "And do you Mirage Koas…" The priest continued for Mirage and it came for the time to exchange rings. Peppita then stood forward and presented six pieces of gold jewellery: four rings, a necklace and an earring. She presented Cliff and Mirage with a ring each and gave them a playful wink as they slipped them onto each other's hands. The priest continued for Margery and Nathaniel, as the vacuum cleaner was called, complete with Peppita doing a high voice for Margery and giving Nathaniel a deep voice before she slipped the necklace on the toaster and a ring onto the hose of the vacuum. As the priest turned to Albel and Nel, Albel was still covering his blush by looking at the floor while Nel stood looking vaguely bored. "You need to look at one another for the vow." The priest announced and Albel regretfully looked at Nel. She turned her head to one side as she tried to figure out why he was blushing but dismissed it, thinking it was the heat getting to him. The vows went without a hitch, Albel and Nel not wanting to spoil the sacred text by making a snide remark about the other. However, the problem came when it was time for the exchanging of the rings. "There's only one ring, pixie." Albel spat when Peppita presented the ring and gold earring. "So?" She replied honestly. Albel groaned and snatched the ring from Peppita's hand before gently putting it on Nel's finger with a blush. Nel took up the earring and fitted it to Albel's finger; giving up after five attempts to push it to the knuckle as it would only go half way up. "With the power invested in me by the Church of Aquios, I pronounce you men and wives! You may kiss your bride." Albel and Nel turned scarlet. To their sides, Cliff and Mirage had kissed each other happily but was abruptly stopped as Mirage slapped Cliff for squeezing her backside while Peppita had shoved the vacuum's nozzle into the toaster's grill for a makeshift kiss. Nel looked anxiously at Peppita, but she just imitated two people kissing with her fingers. Albel, whose cheeks were now scarlet, grabbed Nel's head roughly while she was distracted and pulled her into a kiss. Nel was about to deliver a kick to Albel's groin when she reconsidered things. For all it was worth, Albel wasn't a bad kisser and this one moment could be the best blackmail material she'd ever get on him. So, resigning herself to the fact that she was enjoying this more than she ought to, Nel returned Albel's kiss. During Nel's internal debate, Peppita was staring at the pair with a loved up look. "If only we had bouquets to toss." She sighed and nodded to Mirage and Cliff, allowing the couple to go. With glances at Albel and Nel, Cliff and Mirage left the church arm in arm. As Nel and Albel's kiss slowly broke off, Peppita picked up her metallic friends under each arm and skipped her way towards the exit. Albel looked as if in heaven until Nel's indifferent look brought him back to earth sharply. "I'm going to need therapy now because of you, Nox." Nel uttered. Albel glared at nothing in particular. "It's not as if it was an official marriage anyway." "Oh but it was! Now you are Mr and Mrs Nox!" Peppita called cheerfully from the Chapel's doorway. She left them staring after her with open mouths as she drank in the sunlight. "So what do you two want to do for a honeymoon? What, you want to shave both Fayt and Sophia's hair off? Okay!"
That night, Fayt and Sophia's head would reflect the light of the full moon, Cliff and Mirage would spend their first night together happily as Mr and Mrs Fittir and Albel and Nel would sleep in very different beds, both denying both the marriage and the kiss ever took place, at least publicly. However, Albel knew that this wouldn't last for long; either Peppita would catch up to them or his emotions would. He shrugged it off and fell into a deep sleep as Fayt's voice screamed through the tavern as he attempted to slay the ever-devious Peppita. "Better not kill her, maggot," Albel muttered to his pillow, "that's my job."
Fini